HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

As for needing a plumber - perhaps you could give us all Sid's number and we''ll phone him up to tell him to arrange one

Perhaps iwas could just put a note under his door

Oh I'm cheering up now!

Izzie Hobbit's dancing round the kitchen too. We're playing hooky while Mother's out gallivanting

I drink sherry (Aldi) because it's cheap and does the trick! When I go out I drink lager mostly as I find wine too acid (if you drink too much)

Once I have a great song for you but perhaps not in your current condition (I have posted it before) I think one of Izzie's might be better. Yes if I'm being honest - I thought it a bit shady the name changing (how did you know?) but it's all good and all welcome on here

Which takes me on to something else you said - being too open. I tend to be too - always over-sharing....don't care, that's me! However where someone I no longer trust is concerned - ie Twunt - it's very different, and I stick to need to know basis.

Bobs any excuse to get Sid's number... you will make Izzie jealous

Izzie putting a note under his door would be playing games and of course Sid doesn't ever do things like that bollocks

Sorry about your son's thumb, hope it's not too sore. Even though it got a bit heated good that everything was resolved when it wouldn't have been if your ex was still there, so progress in more ways than one. Looking back re car and holidays is hard most of the time sometimes. You know you've just created another memory tonight with WWIII - The Thumb. Just you and your sons and a positive but sore outcome. You're doing just fine. x

Ooh a song....

.....and a dance! I love this dance.

Ok ladies, off we go....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JUKyHafeW8

Tabby sorry you are still struggling but good that your ex hasn't managed to alienate your DS.

We're getting tabby kittens so I might be joining you in thinking that cats are the joint with dogs nicest animals on the planet.

FuckIt sorry you're having a hard day. I'm really sorry about your written warning. The note book sounds like a good idea. Good that you have emailed your solicitor for advice. Take care x

WhyMe I hope you are okay and Drifting too.

I think we all have Sid's number....to coin a phrase

iWas Izzie thanks! I hope you don't cry as much as I do! I would have don't everything for him! I hate myself. I could have done much better with my life. WWK - please come back.

bobs I knew because I got a few 'dodgy' messages. So I knew I had to make it clear. Please share your song! Please just help.

*I would have done

He has no idea of all the lies I know about THAT HE TOLD!!

He promised to love me for life!

I am so broken

Sorry, will leave. I didn't want to disrupt things. Ds went to bed and I lost myself.

I have just PMd Once. And in addition to what I said, there is also a rule on here that whatever else is going on in the thread at the time, you post if you need support. There is no such thing as disruption here.

You're not disrupting things once we all come on here to vent - some of us have put some real humdingers on here (no names!)

How old is your DS? Do you have friends/family in RL you can talk to, or have you considered counselling?

As WWK said it's learning how to take control back. One of the ways to do this is not to be dependant on him for your happiness. I'm sure you are stronger than you think you are - you are looking after a DS for a start. You will get through this...we all will. And in the meantime we post on here when we feel the need. sometimes we are happy, sometimes just purely pissed off - but we will get there

Once don't apologise. Please don't feel you need to leave, you are not disrupting anything.

And I firmly believe that all the grief needs to come out to enable healing to happen. I believe in the expression "all cried out". With DS to look after, you are probably too wrapped up in his care to deal with your own emotional needs. Hence it all comes out at the first opportunity. I can relate to that in different circumstances.

The worst thing you can do is to try to hold back the grief. That will screw you up. So try to think of your tears as part of the healing process. It sure as hell doesn't feel like it at the time, but it is what you need to do

Paddling really good to hear that you are feeling a bit better and also eating a bit. The weight fell off me during the divorce diet, and my working wardrobe shrunk because certain clothes looked two sizes too big for me. Oh I hated it. My complaint about my weight when young was that I wanted to gain weight. So I was back to that again. Well, my appetite returned and I'm eating normally now....normal for me being I'm a bit erratic about food. I went on a feed me diet to gain weight quickly. Chocolate and non diet coke. Very healthy! But it did the trick, and now my weight is not quite as much as it was, but not too far off. Which is probably about where I should be.

I think people who have never been through all this don't realise the sheer impact, and therefore think we should get over it in a short timescale. What they don't appreciate is that it's not just a relationship breakdown, but all that goes with it. I'm fortunate in that I have divorced friends who therefore understand. A couple of them have been through very traumatic marriage breakdowns and divorces too.

Tabby it's good to hear that DS doesn't seem to have taken any notice of his father. And you will have read what bobs said about her DD in that respect.

Once, the others have said it, but it's worth repeating time and time again: It is NEVER rude to interrupt in this bar when one is having a meltdown and needs some support.

Sure there's some delinquency going on but the whole point of this thread is that at any given moment someone, somewhere is having a horrible time right now. If we can't help, then we're not helping ourselves because at any given moment, that pendulum can swing the other way. It's that unpredictable this period of our lives.

I'm going to ask you to consider doing something a bit differently. Look at your words, and look what I'm reading underneath.

I hope you don't cry as much as I do!

Today, I'm crying because I'm finding this hard - it's a symptom of my frustration, fear and hurt - I would be a psychopath if I felt nothing

I would have done [?] everything for him!

I am a kind, generous, considerate, caring, loyal human being by nature. I married a cunt, albeit one who disguised his true self until it was too late. I didn't 'teach' him how to deceive us, he chose to do that all by himself

I hate myself. I could have done much better with my life.

I hate his values. Now he's gone, I want to start figuring out how to get me back - because there was nothing wrong with me before I met him, and whilst there's plenty wrong here now, it's not me who chose to deceive me. If I could have done better then, then I can do better in the future. The future will come one day at a time.

It's not so bad now when you turn your real self-hating thoughts (we all have them - it's part of how we end up in the depressions) onto the flipside, of actually accepting that what you're going through, as horrific it is, is not because you chose this. It is because he did.

And finally, it's perfectly okay to be sad and cry! See point 1.

Yep, second, third, fourth, and fifth what WWK has reiterated here, Once my love, why do you think I am here at this ungodly hour?

I'm panicking again aren't I? Even with the fucking beta blockers my mind is in overdrive, so never feel you're having a pity party all by yourself, this is a life changing, devestating event, it's going to take time to recover from it.

I have never felt such hate and rage as I have during the last six months, I am normally a calm and placid person, I have had to be to care for an autistic child, so don't feel alone in feeling this way. But we will get through it, it's just all consuming for you at present, try to lean on your friends and family, they will want to help I'm sure. And come and talk to us, we're a good bunch, x

Tabbie I think teenagers all (mostly) go through a 'this or that' phase where they have a strong sense of right/wrong with no middle ground or sense of ambiguity at all. I think it's part of growing up, so at the moment, his dad says 'it's this, therefore it is this'. But it's not unlike the 'he says' phenomena that we all go through in divorce, where we believe what they say too! We believe them, until we start to see actions, get experiences that show us it isn't quite as we believed it at first (e.g. these men insisting 50/50 is fair). That's why it's all the circumstances of the case, innit! We're adults so we can tactfully suggest things...but telling teenagers anything: well go find a wall, hit your head against it! They know it all, innit!

Izzie I wish I had a tenth of your energy! And you cooked? Are you sickening for something? Worried about you! But seriously, I'm glad you had a good chat with the DCs, it sounds really heartening what they said to you. Hope the thumb heals quickly.

Good luck tomorrow Bob - hope the head's not too woolly! MrsC and I went to court last week with a stunning pair of hangovers, which makes the outcome even more shocking! Imagine what we'd have done if we were on top form (something rude with the pineapple probably!).

Love and thoughts to Green.

Paddling glad to read things have lifted a little. The first time you feel that things can be okay might only last five minutes, but then the next time, will be ten minutes but those little moments of respite do keep coming back. Just not necessarily in a hurry! KOKO.

Iwas The book is most definitely not featuring him - I'm not giving him a second chance to raid my savings and income (should it generate any!). I must stress this, the book is a work of total fiction. In fact, the book doesn't even feature me. It is just written by moi when I'm in a bad mood. Or a silly one. Or bored. Or 'meh'. And I only came up with the full and final idea of the book the day after the divorce was announced. Funnily enough.

All the best people in the world have two cats. Indisputable Fact. Funnily enough I happen to have two as well. Good luck with the kittens! They'll be more than enough fun for quite some time (mine still haven't calmed down and they are mid-life...)

Hobbit, when I go out, the picture comes back, and that is our hidden code that you are in charge. Tonight, you let me down, your let the bar down, and most of all you let yourself down. Keep up the good work . Hope the head's okay in the 'morrow.

Izzie Bobs Hobbit Iwas WWK thank you for your insightful and helpful words. Lots of people say he will be delightful come age 20 or so. When you're stuck in the middle and dealing with divorce which seems to make anxiety go off the scale its hard to have hope for the future or to see anything different to the way it looks now. Anxiety seems to be huge right now worrying about teenage issues and divorce.

Horray for our lovely cats and gorgeous new kittens. They help keep us sane. Iwas may your home be filled with all sorts of mischief and fun when your two little kitties arrive.

Morning all

Good luck for today bobs and hope you can make some progress

Hobbit thinking of you my love. That will be me when my financial stuff starts. I'm probably talking out of my arse here what's new I hear you say but it's helped me to imagine the worst case scenario and to plan what I would do in those circumstances. And remember that living in a shoe box in the middle of the road is most definitely NOT a realistic worst case scenario. Have faith in the system. And remember that he is in a weak position re the settlement, ie higher earner, minimal living costs etc.

WWK always the voice of calm and reason. You are brilliant. In awe of you despite the insults

Green thinking of you, and hopefully one of us will hear from you.

iwas you are on a roll now. And yes it's great to see you on this thread. You always seem more chipper on here. That is because we are all going through it at the same time. And we say exactly what we think. In RL we behave with dignity, but on here we vent and do anything we want to get through this. Because we can and becuase we are worth it

Thinking of all others. Will post later. I'm painting today surprise! And just to make it clear, no I don't actually enjoy DIY. In fact I may happily ram all those paintbrushes up his arse one day, sideways. Although I'm wondering whether I'm getting DIY Stockholm Syndrome.

I've deleted what I've just typed about him. Can't quite find the words to express it clearly, so......MEH MEH MEH etc

Catch you all later. One last cigarette, again, for the condemned woman, then off to completely do in my neck re ceiling painting.

The thumb......still hurting! But he always has some injury or the other. He plays hockey. That's just another name for an organised fight, as far as I can see. And he also did a 40 mile sponsored bike ride on Sunday. It's just a shame that his thumb is on his writing hand.....

Tabby absolutely guarantee you DS will return to his default setting post teens. Well, people do change with age, experience etc. thinking my sweet DS1 baby is now still kind, but he's tough, nobody's fool. In fact, think WWK lining all of us up to behave. Well, he would have her lining up too. But yes, have faith! And he was absolutely dreadful as a teenager. I lost count of the times I said that one of us would have to leave home

In fact I may happily ram all those paintbrushes up his arse one day, sideways

If you're selling tickets, put me down for one. Front row.

The thumb......still hurting! But he always has some injury or the other. He plays hockey. That's just another name for an organised fight, as far as I can see. And he also did a 40 mile sponsored bike ride on Sunday....

My son is exactly the same Iz. He's 22, plays football, rugby, cycles, runs and goes to the gym and is into the fitness with the protein bars and drinks and whatnot and watching what he eats all the time.

Despite which he's always got some bloody thing wrong with him, at the moment it's a sore neck, but it's always some ache, pain or injury.

morning ladies - apologies for being Awol the last few days and thank you all for your concern - izzie hobbit i have your PMs .

Treatment is going ok but I am knackered - probably a combination of hormone treatment & radiotherapy and more fuckwittery from the ex. I have lost 1/2 a stone in the past week. As I predicted a holiday was next on the agenda - off to Spain today but its ok because its "free" or so the kids have been told! - so predictable told my counsellor this would be next weeks ago - but again its all the manipulation, deceit, mind games - can't come out with it straight - has to be drip fed, or part of information given and you know what is really funny he even sent through the dividend stuff yesterday - I think this must be to rub it in how much he has taken.

I have to get stuff sorted around the house to get it valued I have asked for his help with some of the practical things - as usual "no reply" - this has become the catchphrase with my counsellor - we both said it at the same time yesterday & laughed!

I also need to get my DD a new blazer for school - I have been asking him to confirm what is happening with the schooling - he wont confirm how the school fees are going to be paid - all up in air as usual.

but I have reached that "meh"

Ladies all I will say to you is keep thinking positive - know in your heart and your heads that you have done everything the right way despite the despicable behaviour we are being subject too. keep believing that things will come good and they will - I have proof of this - karma will do its stuff!

will catch up with reading threads later

Hi all, love the reframing of thoughts WWK, my psych would approve.

Yesterday was bad and I was so tempted to start back on the drugs. But you know, you lot are helping me understand it was bad because this is shit. It does not necessarily mean something is wrong in me and needs to be fixed. Brave words, not sure I totally believe them but worth a bash!

Bobs, you are lovely, your stbx is a prick. I so hope today is not too bad for you and that it marks a baby step towards completion.

I have emailed stbx, asking him to reconsider last offer and do mediation. He threw all his toys out of the pram again yesterday and would only say well we have to go to Court then. It is a threat as he knows I can't afford it, he has made sure of that by cutting maintenance.

Now I am making a ACAS appt to try and work out what to do with work.

Then car insurance.

Using this space as a list to pin myself down, but every one writes so much I spend hours just catching up! I am not complaining though. You are all so worth listening to.

Can't remember who said something about children taking out their frustration with the parent they feel safe with and being as good as gold for the other. My lads went through that stage, I was unreasonable their dad was perfect. They don't think that now. I have followed a strict no lies policy with them so they might all know more than is comfortable for them. I am not sure that is a bad thing though. I so hope they will never do this to a partner.