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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

999 replies

WellWhoKnew · 23/03/2015 00:51

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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bobs123 · 31/03/2015 19:02

Just to add - it's quite good to be told what stage you're at on here and it's normal - ie still taking what he says as gospel, or when you get angry (good sign!), or even better - meh!

I just burnt my baked potato - wasn't a big deal tonight but might have been a few weeks ago...and might be next week1

"drifting lost his aerial" - I didn't HAVE a working aerial - or a working phone so no broadband when I first moved into rental a year ago - felt really depressed about it for a couple of weeks till I sorted it!

Just done notes for meeting tomorrow. Will read through paperwork tomorrow as now had a couple of glasses of sherry Not expecting much, but wishing I was a bit more clued up to sussing out the situation and his f-ing about Angry

Hobbitwife001 · 31/03/2015 19:16

Welcome Once, I'm still saying 'this shit is hard' and probably will carry on saying it for the foreseeable future, so what? Like WWK has said, it's not a 'who has the worst divorce competition' , all our circumstances are different in one way or another apart from the main one;

We didn't deserve to be treated this way.

Not by the person who was supposed to love and respect us.

And now, they do neither, and act like we are a massive drain on their financial future and a hindrance to their 'new' life.

So, if you're feeling overwhelmed, that's totally understandable, we've all been there, we know the pain you feel, we will help each other, until we no longer feel so bereft.

And then when we are feeling stronger we will help those who are not.
We will pay it forward, share our experience and advice with those who will come after us, because unfortunately there will always be others.

Lots of love to everyone, Green honey, just let us know you're ok.

onceinagoldenmoon · 31/03/2015 19:29

Thanks all. I just such an emotional wreck. Especially when Ds goes to sleep. It's like I'm saving it all up. I know I will have to face the practicalities soon but what happened to 'for better or for worse', 'till death do us part'. I'm so weak. Sorry. I hate him, I have never despised someone so much. He is the devil in human form.

Paddlingduck · 31/03/2015 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellWhoKnew · 31/03/2015 19:58

Once - you can't be weak if you're getting up and doing parenting on a daily basis, it's just not possible. You're still doing things, and doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. Well done.

What happened to... and all that?

We realised we married cunts to paraphrase Hobbit.

It's learning to hate them and move on that is what we need to do. You're on your way...

OP posts:
Hobbitwife001 · 31/03/2015 20:32

Hurray! The c word is back on the threadGrin
I thought it had gone forever, why do you think I said remember number 6? YEY! WWK it's resurrected,

Why have they done this to us ladies? Remember the list?

6.Because they are complete cunts.

Hobbitwife001 · 31/03/2015 20:34

I've had wine, can you tell?
Time for an Izzietini I think! And on a school night as well Shock

Hobbitwife001 · 31/03/2015 20:35

I really luffs you WWK Hic!

iwashappy · 31/03/2015 20:40

Welcome Go/Once you don't sound OTT at all. Feeling normal takes a long time, even adjusting to the end of a long relationship is hard and it's even harder with an OW and EA involved. I'm in a lot better place than I was, but I don't remotely feel normal.

Please don't feel bad by comparison and think that we are all doing well and feel that you are not. Some of us are doing okay at the moment, some of us are not. The key words are "at the moment" because it changes continuously. You will get there, in your own time, in your own way even though it might not feel like it at the time.

I still can't manage a lot of the practical stuff. I can go into a shop and buy paint but I can't ring a plumber. I need a plumber but getting the tap fixed involves speaking to ex-DH or a plumber and I don't want to do either.

I am sorry that you feel abandoned by him, that must be very difficult and it takes a long time to get over a shock like that with all the feelings of why and trying to understand.

I'm probably still in the "he said, he did" phrase. I hadn't really thought of it like that until you wrote that it certainly rings a bell with me. Yes I can't understand and will never understand how someone who claims to love you can behave the way that these men have. You don't sound like a "twat" at all. The only ones of those on here have "ex" in their name.

If something feels like too much to deal with it right now then don't feel you have to deal with it because you think other people think you should have done that by now. There is no timescale on it, all that matters is you and how you feel. You will get a lot of support on here xx

Hobbitwife001 · 31/03/2015 20:40

Hey, Izzmeister, thanks for your lovely supportive comments before, I really luffs you too, KOKO Paddling my love, time for a dance round the kitchen!

WellWhoKnew · 31/03/2015 20:40

Oh, Hobbit what on earth are we going to do with you?

Right I'm off out gallivanting. Being all teetotal and what not....

OP posts:
Fontella · 31/03/2015 20:47

Izzmeister

Grin
bobs123 · 31/03/2015 20:51

I'm with you Hobbit (just rescued my washed-up up glass from the draining board and poured another). Let's not listen to Mother - she must have gone out now as her bit of dead wood is back Grin

DD made a couple of CDs for me to dance round the kitchen to - such uplifting songs as "Do you believe in life after love" and a load of Bon Jovi and Meatloaf (my favs!)

She also got me a "grow a boyfriend" he's blue, plastic and about 4" long. However in water he can grow to 600% his size over 2 days...will report back Grin

Izzie595 · 31/03/2015 20:52

Wow it's been a busy day on here. And just to add to it, I've not had a great time since I last posted. DS2 accidentally, when joking about, shut DD1's thumb in the front door. He reckons the nail will fall off. Anyway, cue WW3 here as DS1 was swearing at DS2, and was in a lot of pain and bleeding profusely. DS2 then got the hump because his half hearted apology wasn't accepted......so hours later, I was still in tears, the STBXH situation had been raised etc........wonderful!

The good thing to come out of it was that the kids told me how well I was doing, they recognised that I had to take on a lot, especially some of the worst of the decorating that I've never done before, and DS1 virtually used the phrase the parent who stayed. Mostly, though, in contrast to the twunt, there was no stonewalling, no being told I was being ridiculous [except when I did actually say something ridiculous! fair cop] and it got SORTED. Yes, as used to happen a long time ago until the fuckwit dived straight back into the gene pool and found his virtual carpet to bury everything under.

It prompted a lot of looking back afterwards, and thinking about allsorts. My old car will be traded in tomorrow. I originally got that one Easter, and I regarded it as my first grown up car. We took it on holiday to Devon. Various memories. Who would have thought that during that holiday when we were doing "river watch" to ensure the river didn't overflow too much and swamp my new car on the bank, who would have thought that many years later it would have ended up "living" where it did.

I absolutely hate that bitch. Does she think that the means justified the end?One thing I will claim here is the most vile OW. Urgh say no more. MrsC's OW, as it were, well, that level of vile, except is sneaky and a victim player.

On a positive note, I went into the loft to put some stuff up there, and began a good tidy up. Yes, another job left to me. How fortunate that I don't enjoy resting, going out, relaxing, watching TV etc etc. So, good progress on the decorating front, more sorting out done, but not yet in the mood for my Dave strut. I will feel better tomorrow. The kitchen is a bit of a mess. No point putting things back, only to have to move them all again tomorrow.

Bobs good luck for tomorrow. Your point about you may forget obvious things......noted. And I'm glad you said that, because if you had omitted anything, I thought it would be that you just hadn't posted about it.

I'm now going to have a look again at the other posts and do some replies, in between making a bacon roll.

Izzie595 · 31/03/2015 20:53

Hey, Izzmeister, thanks for your lovely supportive comments before, I really luffs you too

Genuine, Hobbit. Xx

Izzie595 · 31/03/2015 20:57

Time for an Izzietini I think! And on a school night as well

They've all broken up round here. You know, I actually prefer an izzietini to wine and lemonade.

I may re turn into a lager lout. Thought I would try that again. That used to be my drink of choice years ago. Still haven't touched that gin and grapefruit....

iwashappy · 31/03/2015 21:01

Hello Hobbit, pleased you are feeling a little better today and enjoying the wine too!

Green hope you are okay after your treatment x

Bobs "grow a boyfriend" - do report back!!! Hope your meeting goes well tomorrow x

WWK pleased you are okay, I guess it feels a bit strange now that the litigation is over. I am sure that your book will be good enough to publish judging from what you have written on here. I hope you got a clause in the divorce that he can't claim any assets off you in the future when you become a best selling author! Hope you enjoy your gallivanting tonight.

bobs123 · 31/03/2015 21:02

Izzie that's brilliant that you got to talk things out with the DSs (sorry about the thumb though!)

Izzie595 · 31/03/2015 21:02

Hi Font you old shrew Grin

Well, not old......

onceinagoldenmoon · 31/03/2015 21:02

I've spent the past few hours reading the posts from all previous threads. I could kick myself! Thanks Hobbit iWas Duck Bobs , Tabby & WWK I just don't know how anyone copes with it. I often feel like I'd happily go to jail if the crime was having killed him but then one of my good friends told me that would mean a major change in my life what with me going to prison but then again I've never felt such hatred. I'm odd I guess but I want to stay here with you all. Sorry to those who thought the sudden NC came out of the blue. I wasn't trying to be 'shady' I just wanted to be open with you all. Maybe I've been open too much in my life hence why I ended up in this situation...

Izzie595 · 31/03/2015 21:05

Bob I just read your post about dancing round the kitchen. Thought it was Hobbit. That sherry sounds really good......that's another drink I don't like. Shall I put it on the old shopping list?

bobs123 · 31/03/2015 21:06

iwas perhaps WWK's book might get turned into a film and he can play himself Grin

As for needing a plumber - perhaps you could give us all Sid's number and we''ll phone him up to tell him to arrange one! Smile I hope eventually you find a good plumber, electrician etc who are reliable as they can be like gold-dust.

iwashappy · 31/03/2015 21:08

Once I must be odd as well because I like it on here too! No-one thinks anyone is being shady. Post whatever you feel comfortable posting. x

Izzie595 · 31/03/2015 21:13

once I get you re jail. Except I would go for OW. You stay here. You can say anything you want, however deep, repetitive or downright nutty think Hobbit

iwashappy · 31/03/2015 21:16

Bobs I would pay to watch that...

We have a good plumber and a good electrician but they're all friends with Sid and they would come round and go and see him at the office assuming he would be the one to speak to and I just can't be bothered with the hassle of saying that the plumber needs to deal with me and not Sid and then making sure he doesn't see the bill when it comes etc. Just need a replacement tap as the turny bit (does it have a name??) has come off so have to turn it on using a cloth on the spindle thing so it's not a huge issue, just a bit irritating.