HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 4

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

My name is WellWhoKnew (known here as everyone's bloody mother!). I was suddenly abandoned nearly eleven months ago. I've just had the final hearing (finished five days ago) and I am now officially an ex-wife. I now have to start making plans for a very different future than I ever imagined, which includes moving home, getting a job, and leaving the deadwood behind.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on, keeping on.

Part three

Part two

Part one

Thanks Izzie I'm just taking it one day at a time. If I think too far ahead then I get panicky so no different from being in divorce hell. The difference is I'm in the 'It is what it is stage' and with friends like mine, I'll pull through, or be pulled through! I don't think there's a friend in my phone book who hasn't seen me cry...so no tough cookie approach here!

I like to lead from the front, so I had dithered about saying that the bit post-divorce is all parties and frivolity, it's not but it IS better than litigation hell because not going to court is one less thing to worry about.

Some funny posts on here tonight - the mystery of the deadwood pic etc! maybe it's just rotted away

Sorry some are struggling - Paddling Hobbit Tabbie etc. I think *Izzie is keeping everyone afloat at the moment.

Even WWK - yes I believe the aftermath can be tough. At least you are now in control of your own future. How about being a professional (?) McKenzie Friend at some point (when you've practised on all the MNetters on here!). It's great that you're getting on with the book.

I have virtually no embarrassment about crying any more and don't even apologize. I just say "I cry a lot" and shrug! Don't like doing it in front of the DDs though

Noted re the mortgage capacity. He is nearly 59 but I know he could still get one whereas I couldn't. I am putting it all into short sentences in easy to understand language for him. He will still ask the mediator to explain!!!

Thanks Hobbit I don't mind being your guinea pig yes you are a selfish cow and just remember to quote this phrase at your meeting:

"The Court still retains jurisdiction to determine claims for the benefit of the children" this means any children of any age depending on their needs!

It's great that you have a sol that can put things in perspective - unpalatable as it may sound. It will also give you more time to get things together before your meeting

Izzie it's good that he's asking your opinion on finance stuff. however if he is financially savvy you will have to be one step ahead - which it sounds like you are I wonder if he's waiting till things have calmed sufficiently to broach the separation stuff? A good thing from your point of view.

My problem is that although I am capable of researching stuff to death, and know a fair bit about finance stuff, I am really slow on the uptake sometimes, and take a while for the implication of something to sink in, or don't realise something that is glaringly obvious. So I'm hoping that in my journey if I run anything past you, please point out the obvious just in case I missed it (eg I forgot about the mortgage bit)

Morning all

THE PHOtO IS BACK. And WWK IS NOT HERE.......told ya!

I started doing reply to bobs and WWK but I have a pain in my side apart from the obvious one so I can't concentrate. But I will reply later.

Feeling horrible this morning like I'm waiting for a storm because now that I've fallen out with him by not falling at his feet with gratitude over his 50/50 offer I know he will start messing with DSs head. He's already trying to get in touch with him and DS seems to be choosing to ignore him at the moment but I know he will contact him eventually and probably tell him that evil mum is refusing to be reasonable and ruining his life. DS always believes him. I could prevent that by being friendly with STBXH but I'm in no mood to speak to him in a hurry after all the name calling. I don't want to speak to him but I feel I will have to for DSs sake. I don't know what to do really.

Hi everyone, thanks WWK you have calmed me down as per usual, you hit the nail on the head re the 'bottling' at mediation. I just feel like I want to run away and not have to deal with this shit anymore, but know that I can't do that and have to see it through to the end but I'm scared and worried.

Not scared of him physically, he would never touch me, but threatened by his attitude and behaviour. I just keep telling myself it will be ok, like a kind of mantra, and hope that it will be.

I do feel better today, love to everyone for their advice. Tabby my love, I feel your anxiety, can you not explain to your DS that it's just a manipulative tactic on his dad's part, it's not true, or is he too young to be told such things? I know you don't want to make him take sides, but your ex isn't playing fair is he? He is condemning you to his son and making this all your fault, when in fact the opposite is true. I know you don't want to damage the relationship he has with his dad, he is still his dad, but you need to protect yourself as well, x

Haha yes the pic was back when I posted last night!

Tabbie I think your DS is 14/15 and quite a sensitive age - plus he's a boy!
I think given stbx's past behaviour he will just dig his own grave and the more he slags you off, the more your DS will want to distance himself from you. You, on the other hand, need to keep on making it clear that you are only going for what is fair, and as you are going to court then the court will decide. (And what Hobbit said) DC tend to distance themselves from arguments and strife and don't want to take sides, so you need to be the calm (!) reasonable one who will give him a safe happy home.

Your stbx, unfortunately, will only get worse as it gets closer to June and he feels the control slipping away. I guess you just need to hold your nerve and be in full knowledge of your rights

Tabby someone once said on here about somebody else's situation re the ex and DS or DD that DS/DD tend to "side" with the ex, by which I mean not calling them out about their behaviour etc because they are confident in their relationship with their mother, the parent who is always with them. Whereas they don't confront the ex because they are concerned that anything like that will drive them away. If your DS says anything to you, you can only very calmly explain your situation. He's a teenager, isn't he? He won't be easily manipulated, he will reach his own conclusions. Remember, too, that he was there during the marriage. He may not want to admit things, but deep down he would have been aware of the dynamics. If the ex gives specifics about money grabbing stuff, point DS onto some of the divorce pages and he can see for himself how achieving equality in a split does not equate to 50/50.

Hobbit well done my love. And remember, if he won't see reason, then there are still his solicitors to talk some sense of reality into him.

Will post later. Just done part of kitchen ceiling. I am absolutely knackered and will feel all that stretching tomorrow. Later I will be feeling all Dave about doing it

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ643U7ccpM

Meantime I've had a text from STBXH. Says he needs Mot and whatever for my old car for tomorrow and will be over to collect this evening. No please, no hope that's ok. As it is, I've given him all that stuff already, handed it all over when we collected my car. And I'll be buggered if I'm going to waste my time checking. I was hoping he wouldn't get the car before Easter, as I am worried that he would take her to the holiday home. I don't think he will, as we know people up there. But it will be in my mind. It's bad enough as it is. Easter Sunday 5 April. The first Easter I will be spending at home. 5 April, the date we completed on the purchase. And he let all that go for what? I bloody hate him. Sorry, all, I know there's an awful lot going on at the moment. In mitigation, I don't know whether I will be able to stay in the marital home. But my dream, my lovely little place, that's rock bottom for me. Nothing else matters. I don't think I could even go there to clear it out.

DS1 just said he absolutely wouldn't take her. He is right, I'm sure. He may trample over me but not the kids. I am going to be going round in circles over this. I think I will have to text him over the weekend to test. There is no signal on our mobile network indoor there.

Bastard. I had got myself into a decent frame of mind re Easter, and now this.

And the picture. It's gone again. But then Hobbit did mention she had been in contact with her. Spooky.......

Yes, Izzie, these things keep coming back to trip us up don't they?
With you it's the holiday home, and the specific date and all the memories involved in that, with me it's my birthday, the first one without him in 29 years. You think you're doing ok, and then an event or date occurs and you feel rock bottom again.

I plan to do lots of things with friends and family to fill my time, it dosent help to dwell on the past and feel maudlin about things, I can't change what's happened, and although I didn't choose it, I can choose how to react to my new 'normal' .

Bollocks really, I can talk the talk, but can I walk the walk, only time will tell, I'm still not the person I was, but my self esteem has taken a battering, and I need to recognise that and not give myself a hard time.

You know what Hobbit, we both keep talking the talk, and gradually we walk the walk.

I can choose how to react to my new normal

That is a bloody fantastic mantra.

Absolutely don't give yourself a hard time. Treat yourself as you would your best friend if she were going through this.

My self esteem wasn't too battered when he left. It was battered over the nightmare years, and so I had already drawn on my deepest reserves to get myself through. But yes, I know what you mean.

And you say you're still not the person you were. Well, not having known that person, I have to say that the person who comes across in this thread is pretty perfect to me.

One day we will be doing the Dave strut. Cos we are bloody fantastic to be getting through this need to practise in those heels We can all descend en masse to each of our respective areas and do a group strut led by WWK

Not a great day, written warning from work, need car insurance and no pennies. Have asked stbx for help again. He has refused again. Feeling very resentful that he can dictate that I have to move into rented. The dog is where most savings could be made but I obviusly can't have him put down just to save money.

So I have started a new notebook, with a new list of things I need to do. I should not have spent the money on a new notebook but I did. (Sticks tongue out).

Paddling, it does all seem to go wrong again and again. I have banned people from saying it can only improve because another thing goes wrong so I won't say that to you. Just know you are not alone.

Izzie you do so well. Bobs, I am thinking about mortgage capacity now too. O wish I could afford mediation or Court. I really need some clarity. How do people manage to get a resolution when they have no money under stbx 'fair' allowance. It just does not work.

I am afraid I have emailed him exactly why I feel that life is not fair. He will hate that as he believes he is honourable. I will have annoyed him immensely and that will not help. Mind you, he does not seem to mind annoying me. Very tearful with new drugs sitting on side looking at me. I don't want to take them though. I want my brain and life back. Will keep going for now. Nearly at 80% clear of old anti d, can you tell I have calculated on the half life! I know exact when I will reach 90% gone which will be the bench mark for withdrawal! Thursday lunchtime will be the low. Only a few more days to get through.

I have also emailed solicitor and mediator for advice. Where can I go now, what can I do? Right. Enough with the pity party I have car insurance to find!

Fuckit I smoke. Heavily. So I take my hat off to you for being able to stick with the withdrawal of the old medication. I couldn't quit smoking if I won mega millions on the lottery and the man of my dreams erm don't think I have one whisked me off to Paradise. So, absolutely, many congratulations.

I ought to look back on the thread for the answer to this, but have you applied for interim relief?

The notebook, yes if always find writing things down allows me to think more clearly, whatever the reason or content.

The mediator, this is the one who is conveniently placed for exH? If not, sorry I'm muddling you with Paddling. Well is it not possible to find a local one who does legal aid?

The new medication, I would say do whatever you need to do to get you through this. If being on meds helps, then go for it. You can come off those when the time is better. I had to have a phone interview with occ health for my absence at work, ie 8 days. He told me to not even bother cutting down the smoking at this stage. A sentiment I would entirely agree with anyway, in these circumstances.

I see you have emailed solicitor and mediator, so some of my questions are irrelevant, sorry!

Oh, and I'm doing well AT THE MOMENT because I don't have to deal with all the financial stuff. My thing at the moment is emotional recovery and dealing with the practicalities that have fallen to me since he left.I was going to say "my things are only......"Then I thought, actually, each one of these things is a big issue, for all of us. So I won't insult us and say "only." I will say that I'm in a better position than a number of others on this thread,who are having to deal with even more than me. We all deserve credit for still being here, and dealing with all of this horrendous stuff

I'm keeping better notes about my finances, have done my research for the umpteenth time and will do countless times again but I still don't have to face the reality yet.

I hope the work thing gets sorted. I know some employers use the word "disciplinary" for an interview after even one day off sick. And "formal warning" for two separate periods of absence

Hi all,

Permission to pull up a chair?

My marriage didn't extend into the decades like some of yours' have but it has left me feeling broken. I don't even recognise myself anymore and I am filled with such hatred that it sometimes feels like a physical pain - if that makes sense?

He was so incredibly EA and walked out on me after promising to fix things. No doubt playing happy families with OW now. I've done so much reading about abusive relationships that I'm quite the pseudo expert. I don't think I've slept since without some wine or eventually exhausting myself with crying. I just want to feel normal again. I don't think I'll ever be the same again and feel large parts of me have pretty much died a rotten death. Sorry if I sound OTT, I just want a time machine and go back to that faithful day we met and avoid him like the plague. He's of course re-writing history and appears to be so relaxed about things that it makes me feel even more on edge.

Hello GoYourOwnWay I think many of us will identify with much of what you have said and how you are feeling. You don't sound OTT at all. How long is it since he left?

Hi Tabby It's been just over one year and everytime we have to sort something out it sends me back to square one. Yes it is finished but I hate the fact that I'd be quite happy to go back and re-do the past 7 years without having ever met him - it means that perhaps other things would also have to be erased as a consequence but maybe I'd be fine with that as it means that I'd never have come across him. He has caused me no end of damage and seems to be off being the happy one while I (unsuccessfully) try to pick myself up. I can't deal with anything practical at the moment. You all seem so far ahead and as if you've got the upper hand. I don't think I'll get there.

Hobbit I have tried explaining the truth to DS in the past and it always backfires on me he never believes me so now I just say 'I'm sorry but that's not true but I won't say anything more or you'll be stuck in the middle' and I leave it at that. I keep looking forward to the day when he has the maturity to identify truth from lies.

Bobs it seems that if I criticise him in any way it makes DS angry with me but if he slags me off every word is believed no matter how improbable. You're right he hates being stuck in the middle so I always try to not involve him. I think STBXH had an affair at the very worst age all his beliefs about family were shattered I think if he had been older he would have turned against his dad but at that age he was desperate to keep his dad up on his pedestal.

Izzie it was probably me that said that haha it's not easy to take your own advice when you're in the middle of a wobble. When we were together DS used to ask me to divorce his dad they didn't get along at all but I don't think he remembers that now apart from the odd flashback then he immediately justifies why he now thinks his dad was right.

Turns out DS has spoken to his dad today and he's still fine with me so if he tried to alienate him it hasn't worked yet.

yep GoYourOwnWay I would also like to go back and change the past but more than that, if I could go back and meet him for the first time as the person I am now I would not put up with him for very long at all, and that's a positive thing I think. You see all this crap and hurt makes us stronger in the end. What are the practical things that you need to deal with? Perhaps you could make a list and work through them one small step at a time.

TabbyTortie as a side note your name is very similar to my RL name! Made me cry a little coz it's like I'd be speaking to myself and telling me to get a grip!

Practicalities include ending marriage, going through various owned items & sorting out work as we had a joint venture. Most things can be done without us seeing each other for the most part but whenever something related to him comes along I'm worse than a toddler throwing a tantrum in a toyshop. Just so overwhelmed with it all. Wondering when it will get better.

In WWKs OP there's a line about "sudden abandonment" that is exactly how I feel. Just abandoned. Those are the exact words I used when (crying) speaking to a good friend about it recently.

Go you're welcome with chair, beanbag or throne. Toilets are round the back. We don't care how long the marriage lasted, just that you've come here to say 'hello'. Do join in at any time.

I see it's been a year but this is not a race - you take your time. I still feel like that some days (but not all day, everyday) so your feelings are perfectly normal. I am going to demand to be first in line to that time machine should you ever invent it!

What I will point out to you (fully without criticism) is that you're in the "He says, he does, he is" stage where your entire perspective of yourself is shaped by his words and actions. You're feeling the effects of your marriage, not the person you were born to be: just one who got smothered by marriage.

What are some of the 'things' that you have to sort out that set you back to stage 1? There's a lot of experience here of having to confront situations that we think we can't cope with initially from...doing links!, building furniture [houses in Izzie's case!] to courts, to telling neighbours/friends/family we've been dumped right through to surviving our meltdowns/trying to get work... All of these things seemed insurmountable at first (and no one's quite through it all yet either!) but as each 'milestone' or achievement is gained, our self-esteem starts to develop. So is there anything particularly pressing you'd like some advice on?

Or just have a simple rant! Does wonders for the soul.

I don't think any of us have found a way to make the pain go away - but we have found bits and bobs to while away the time until it passes on its own accord.

Also have you contacted WA at all? Just because you're out of the marriage, doesn't mean it's effects don't linger like a bad fart. I know I did and it helped me a lot. I think Green is also working through their material now too.

NC to my usual so you can check out my previous posting history incase in doubt.

Tabby when DD1 was younger (16-ish) she used to tell me off for criticising her dad. Then when she got to about 19 she made no bones about the fact she though I would be better off without him. One of the reasons I didn't do it earlier was the effect I though it might have on the DDs and didn't want them pushed and pulled. (plus it was tricky picking a time when they weren't doing important exams) Stbx used to always put me in the middle in trying to improve his (non) relationship with them - thank God I don't have to do that any more

Your DS will come round...in time! Consistency and support are the most important things for them at this time I feel.

Go welcome I don't think any of us would say we have the upper hand at all. Most, if not all of us have stbxs with better paid jobs, pensions etc and are choosing not to agree with the "fairness" of the court system in division of assets, maintenance etc. We have an expression "fake it till you make it" which stands us in good stead. We are also buoyed up by triumphs from other MNetters such as WWK and MrsC

Fuckit what Izzie said...interim relief. Did your sol not bring it up? Mine didn't as we though it wouldn't take that long to sort things out (!!!) and at least I have capital I can use. However considering the way things are going this might be a good idea. Also re the mediation, either get a mediator that does legal aid or stbx should pay your costs - give him the choice! i would have thought with a baby on the way he would want to get things sorted (whatever he says!)

Wow! That's a big list! End marriage - tick, End business - tick and End assets/chattel sharing - tick. All done and dusted in a day? A week? A month?

All "that" took me ten and a half months, and that was me heavily depending on two legal professionals who do this as a day job, a judge, and a helluva lot of friends/acquaintances. And I'm still not coping every moment of the day - and it seems we had the same things to contend with (e.g. assets, chattels and winding up a business).

No wonder you feel so overwhelmed by it - you feel like you've been left to deal with it all - and you have! I don't think any of us know where to start!

I'd start by packing up his stuff and getting that moved out of the house. It doesn't matter if you're pissed off and angry doing this task because you're just shoving it into bin bags, so the more manic this is done, the quicker you exhaust yourself. The better you sleep that night. And one night's good sleep is, right now, most likely the best night's sleep you've had in a year.

Then focus on reclaiming your home. Re-arrange some furniture. You may be able to paint/decorate - which really does help if you can.

The divorce can wait as can the business (it's interlinked with divorce anyway) for another day.

From now on, "Mother" here is going to force you to make very small, baby steps, but only AND only when you feel up to it. No more are you 'dealing' with it all in one big terrifying go!

Just to add if your name is similar to mine then congratulations on being named after the most fabulous of all animals on the planet

Thanks WWK your words of "sudden abandonment" really struck me, that's why I chose to ask to join the thread although I've always lurked. I feel like I've been 'faking' till now, all of a sudden I just cry because it's Tuesday and the toaster made toast. I've always felt abandoned by him but thought it sounded all very 'woe is me.' I am fully aware about the stats on divorce but didn't think it'd be me and really thought we could seek counselling and fix things until recently. I moved out of his house as it was his, under his name (made a rod for my own back there). You're right about me still being in the 'he said, he did' phase. Because I can't get my head around why someone who devoted their life to me would do this to me. Sorry if I sound like a twat. It's too much to deal with and he won't give me a so much as a penny apparently.

Tabby any reason for choosing that as your NN? Does it bear any relation to you? fwiw I didn't always like the association! Made me feel like I'd rather be a Catherine or a Hannah or a Sarah, something normal iyswim...

Once - in this bar - you demand to join. No one asks nicely (clearly you're a lovely person in real life!). But here, you come and say 'shit this is hard' - that's the code word for the door. All that is needed.

Yep, I cry because the toaster made toast. Or the weather's too nice or people are too kind. If I want to cry about my sudden and catastrophic changes in circumstances, I will fucking well cry about it.

And anyone who has ever said 'get over it' or 'don't cry' or 'forget about him' has been told to take their opinions elsewhere. If they can't help, they can't help - I'm not pretending they can to make THEM feel better. This didn't happen to THEM so they have no idea what it's like to live with on a daily basis.

But it took a lot of counselling for me to assert myself in that way.

As in an earlier post, when I think drifting lost his aerial and it caused a complete meltdown. You have to be in this situation to understand why that is equivalent to a disaster. In normal life, it isn't - it's an inconvenience. In our lives, it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Then the next day, we get to get up again and deal with this shit all over again, just praying nothing else will go wrong because we can't deal with it any more.

I think it helps to say 'this shit is hard' and know you're in good company, and any success is all of our success. It might be that YOUR problems are easy for me to solve (and vice versa) but they are yours, not mine, you feel them in a way I don't (and vice versa) so all we can do is say 'hey, try' and 'so what if you don't get it right first time'. That's it. You just want to turn to people who don't make you feel worse than you already do, because quite frankly, you don't think you can feel any worse and then some misplaced idiot (in my case my mother!) manages to do so...

So you come here and say 'this shit is hard' and we'll say 'yep'. No one will tell you what to do, but if they've found something that's working for them, they'll share it.

And it's those tiny, tiny little steps that mean you start to move on.