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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

annoyed with stingy boyfriend

242 replies

blizzardcat · 21/03/2015 12:22

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. I always have paid half of all meals out, I expected to, he expected me to, but I am getting fed up of never being treated. Not even for my birthday.

When he stays at mine I usually cook for him. He eats a lot! I pay for the meals at my house...but when I stay at his we eat out mostly and I pay half.

Same with driving. He likes to go places in my car rather than his. A few months ago we went for a night away, he wanted to go in my car, I said fine but you can pay half the petrol. He told me 'that is not how it works'. So refused to pay towards petrol. I hoped he would then pay for dinner (accommodation free, i arranged it) but no. He made it very clear that I was expected to pay half as usual.

I actually dumped him over this as the night away cost me £60 in petrol, i arranged free accommodation, he did nowt and it rankled. After a week he apologised, took me out for dinner, PAID.
We talked about it, he agreed he had been unfair, agreed to make sure things are fair in the future.

They aren't. I think he is probably just very mean with money.

If I bring it up he tells me I am being petty and mean, but I feel it is ok him saying that when actually he is the one who is holding onto his money.

He earns over twice as much as me btw, certainly isn't rich so does need to be careful with money, but spends plenty on himself, his children and pays his ex about double the csa maintenance amount . I am a single mum, money is tight, but i do have enough to get by, i don't need his, i just want it to be fair.

The birthday present he got me is lovely, but i know it cost half the price of what I got him last year!

Writing this makes me feel petty. He would say i am being petty. It is not about the money though, it is about how unfair it feels. He makes me feel cheap and a bit used. There is an implication that if i was 'a better gf' i would be treated better! Am i being petty or is he just mean?

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/03/2015 18:46

It does sound like you did the right thing to confront him and then dump him based on his reaction. Well done Thanks

TendonQueen · 23/03/2015 20:26

He said what? I know you must be bruised from that conversation, but seriously, you've had a lucky escape. So many issues! So much he is still hung up on from his marriage that you would have had to bear the brunt of for however long to come. It's not princessy to not want to be sponged off!

hollyisalovelyname · 23/03/2015 20:42

Well done OP.
Now if only Savoy's Mum's friend would get professional help to escape her awful life with that awful man.
Years of verbal and emotional abuse must have beaten her down.
FIGHT !

hollyisalovelyname · 23/03/2015 20:44

Helena did 'byob' - bring your own bog (roll) Wink

Corygal · 23/03/2015 20:55

Brilliant result. You'll be bound to meet someone nice soon.

"It seems there was a list in his head" - too right there was, love.

blizzardcat · 23/03/2015 21:23

He has sent me an email to selectively apologise. He now says I am not evil, nasty and horrible. I guess the rest still stands though!

I would love to meet someone nice. There is something about me which doesn't attract nice, I mostly seem to attract controlling and/or manipulative men. I thought he was different.

OP posts:
CunningCat · 23/03/2015 21:26

This ' he now says I am not next/ evil/horrible' the classic backtrack!
Well he did call you all those things!
Stay away from him, the parsimonious twat!

CunningCat · 23/03/2015 21:27

Nasty not next!

blizzardcat · 23/03/2015 21:31

CunningCat am definitely keeping away! It is taking all my strength not to email him back though. I'm not going to. He is not worth the argument.

OP posts:
pictish · 23/03/2015 21:41

Don't. You'll just end up in a dialogue with him. You need rid of him.

HelenaDove · 23/03/2015 21:43

holly as a matter of fact yes i did. And i realised that the very fact that i had to do it told me that it was the beginning of the end.

blizzardcat · 23/03/2015 21:45

Thanks. Hurts though

OP posts:
CunningCat · 23/03/2015 21:48

Bless youFlowers the hurt will heal. Find someone who respects you and treats you as an equal.

blizzardcat · 23/03/2015 21:48

HelenaDove. The things we do for love (whoever thought b.y.o.bogroll would be one of the things)

OP posts:
fluffapuss · 23/03/2015 21:55

Blizzardcat

He didnt appreciate you for you !

Spoil yourself for a change

I hope you bump into someone lovely in the future

Take comfort from your friends & family

Like I said, it is not always about the money, but how someone makes you FEEL !

Good luck

Canyouforgiveher · 23/03/2015 22:04

My mother's advice was never marry a mean man or a jealous man. I think it is pretty good advice.

You did well to get out from that one OP. You'll definitely find someone lovely in the future.

blizzardcat · 23/03/2015 22:08

Canyou: My mother's advice was don't make a fuss. And always wear clean pants. I think your mum's advice wins...

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 23/03/2015 22:10

blizzard it hurts now but you are worth so much more Thanks

TendonQueen · 23/03/2015 22:23

I see, now he's worried by the fact you didn't crumple and beg forgiveness for being such a mean and evil gold-digger, and is thinking that if he gives some ground, you can be persuaded to cook his dinners and drive him around again. You're right not to reply. A decent man would have been deeply embarrassed at his own unfairness and meanness and would have immediately said he would change his ways. Sounds like you've had an unlucky run in relationships but there are good blokes around. Don't feel you have to settle for this kind of shabbiness.

expatinscotland · 23/03/2015 22:27

Delete him from your email addresses or direct his messages to spam.

Do not engage. He's a dickhead.

zipzap · 23/03/2015 22:44

If I were you I'd keep a record of how much you typically used to spend in a week when you were together - so how much you spent on food for both of you, how much on eating out, bills, petrol, car usage etc etc and then work out how much you reckon your partner spent in a typical week. I bet he would say that he was spending at least the same as you - and I bet that you would discover that you were actually subsidising his lifestyle quite a bit.

Beyond that - I'd also be looking at how my expenditure changes over the next month or two. I reckon that you'll probably discover that your bills go down and you'll see that he was using you too - for example, he'd have had extra long enjoyable showers at your house, quick and cheap showers at his house, turn the heating up at your house, keep it low at his house and so on.

Both figures are useful reminders that he was a stingy mean person who was using you. not only did he want you to think that he was paying his half but not, he also wanted you to think that he was a generous person because of what he spent on his dc - not that that in itself is a bad thing, but it is when he is using it to prove he is generous and he has set the default to ensure that you get to pay much more than he does and sulks when the truth is pointed out!

BathtimeFunkster · 24/03/2015 07:23

Stay strong, blizzard Flowers

echt · 24/03/2015 07:46

Glad to see you've kicked him to the kerb, blizzard.

Just one question. You said he paid over the odds on CSA to his children. Did he tell you that?

FuckingLiability · 24/03/2015 08:00

Well done, blizzard. I read your OP and just thought 'what a knob'. His behaviour when you raised the subject with him just proves you were right!

It's reminded me of an unpleasantly stingy ex too. I booked us a weekend away which coincidently happened to be near where his friend lived. He refused to pay half the cost of the B&B on the basis that he could stay with his mate and if I was going to 'charge him' for our weekend away he'd just sleep at his mate's and pop over to see me during the day. Speechless doesn't cover it. The whole weekend cost me about £400 including train fares and the only thing he offered to buy was one drink and a bag of chips. Even then, he made a point of telling me it was my turn to buy food the next day. He became an ex very quickly.

CaptainDingbat · 24/03/2015 08:01

Sounds like you are well rid. My ex became the ex when I found him checking the electric and gas meter to see how much I was using in a day and then stating I couldn't buy more than £1 worth of cheese a week....