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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Won't/Can't quit drugs.

152 replies

magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 18:14

Sorry to still be going in but from others threads you will see my H is quite a heavy cannabis smoker. It all has come to a head with the moods and sulking behaviour, we had a huge talk, I told him how he makes me feel, anxious and nervous, I asked him to stop smoking cannabis, he says we can't and won't as he needs it? What now? Sorry just I don't really have r/l people who I can talk with, sorry still whittling on about this.

OP posts:
Thesuperswimmingdolphin · 20/03/2015 18:16

You've told him he's making you miserable, he could make a change that would alleviate your misery but he won't?

Yup only one thing to do - separate. Might give him the nudge he needs to see he needs to quit or simply give you a life of your own where you're not miserable. There's nothing else to do.

paxtecum · 20/03/2015 18:43

Magic girl: my XH is 65 and still smoking cannabis.
His brain is addled, his memory has gone.

Don't waste your life waiting for him to give up.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 18:52

Did you leave your XH due to this? I have explained how it makes me feel, how it effects D etc but he says our life's would be worse if he stops, I don't see him ever stopping if I'm honest.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 18:56

Make your mind up time

he has told you where he stands

now you decide whether that is how you and your kids will live your life

I suggest you hurry up about it...time is a wasting and he ain't for changing

gettingabitworriednow · 20/03/2015 18:59

I am in the middle of a separation due to this. Don't bother waiting for him to stop. Go now! I'll write more later, just off out! FlowersWine

tribpot · 20/03/2015 19:01

He's made his decision. So now you need to make yours. Clearly it's not worth hanging on to see if he will quit.

paxtecum · 20/03/2015 19:10

No, I didn't leave him because of it. But I was a complete mug.

He is now married to a needy alcoholic.

My DD ended up with a DP just like her Dad. It was awful watching him being so horrible to her and moody with the DCs.
She is stronger than me and after some ultimatums she left him.
But knowing her Dad smoked dope normalised it for her, so I do feel bad about that.

Your life will be so much easier without him weighing you down.
Make an exit plan and look forward to a new, happy life.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 20:07

It really is make my mind up time.

My head says go, me and D can have a normal life, no moods, sulks, smells, we can have hols, cant just now as you cant take drugs on the plane! Plan whole days away, cant just now as someone requires top ups of drugs.

My heart says, there is some good things about him but I cant get my head around the fact he would let us walk away over cannabis.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 20/03/2015 20:23

My XH bought cannabis of a bloke on the beach in Morocco. I really couldn't believe it. The people who sell it to tourists often inform the police and it is an imprisonable offence there.

As you already know, life will be better living away from him.

I wish you strength.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 20:32

I know at the very back of my head that I believe my life could be amazing.

I am quite a weak person and with my best will I try to teach D to be the opposite of me as I don't want her to feel how I have felt at points in my life.

Im unhappy and ashamed, and drowning, I need to grow a back bone and walk away.

OP posts:
banner123 · 20/03/2015 20:33

i was with a heavy skunk user for 5 years , his temper and moods were awful, i put up with him smoking it as if he didnt have it he was a million times worse, he nearly destroyed me and my children and drove me crazy , get away the sooner the better unless he gives up x

Hidingmyidentity · 20/03/2015 20:35

He prefers the cannabis to you & your DD, not sure how many times you want to start threads about your drug addled DH. He won't change he has already told you that.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 20:36

You can do it love

if you struggle for yourself, do it for your daughter

her father chooses drugs over her...He doesn't deserve either of you

seaoflove · 20/03/2015 20:39

Just think about how his addiction rules your life. You can't even go on holiday because he needs to take drugs with him!

CunningCat · 20/03/2015 20:44

Living with an addict is no life for a child. Do it for her.

CillaSlack · 20/03/2015 20:45

His priority is smoking weed-not supporting you or your daughter. If you're not sure whether to leave or kick him out have a trial break. I bet your life will be so much better that you won't want him back. Think of the freedom to do what you want and to go where you want without having to arrange things around the weed.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 20:54

Thanks, I know people get sick of me starting threads about him but no one else knows about it barr a friend at work and now my mum but I find it hard to explain it face to face as im so nervous.

I know my life would improve, my Daughters life would also improve but she would miss her dad so much.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 20:57

She can still see her father if you separate

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 21:04

Anyfucker ~ your right, my worry is he has 2 kids, now adults from a previous marriage, it was a terrible relationship with them, and now doesn't have any contact.

Not surprisingly they are both heavily into drugs, infact he has smoked with them both.

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/03/2015 21:05

You can only teach your DD by example.

Anything else is just talk.

PacificDogwood · 20/03/2015 21:11

I think you know what you have to do to improve your and your DD's lives Thanks

You cannot stop him from smoking cannabis; nobody can, but him. And he has been very clear that he has no intention to.
It is now over to you what to do.
Thanks

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 21:11

Lweji ~ You are completely right, im 37, sometimes I feel like a child! I have probably been walked over most of my adult life and controlled to an extent!

I couldn't bear to realise my D felt like this at any point in her life.

OP posts:
banner123 · 20/03/2015 21:15

start as many threads as you want :-) , these situations can take a long to heal and it can be a long time before someone starts thinking they can change their situation x

CunningCat · 20/03/2015 21:15

He has taken drugs with his kidsConfused
dont let that be your dd in the future.

Lweji · 20/03/2015 21:20

If he stops being in your DD's life, for one it can only possibly be a good thing, even if she misses him, but it will be his doing.
What do you think can do the most damage? His staying or you leaving?

You can do it. You can gather as much help as you need, here, from your family, friends, support groups, etc. Choose who you can rely on and draw your strength from there if you have to.

Or feel the fear and do it anyway. :) You can take control of your own life. If you let yourself do it.