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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Won't/Can't quit drugs.

152 replies

magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 18:14

Sorry to still be going in but from others threads you will see my H is quite a heavy cannabis smoker. It all has come to a head with the moods and sulking behaviour, we had a huge talk, I told him how he makes me feel, anxious and nervous, I asked him to stop smoking cannabis, he says we can't and won't as he needs it? What now? Sorry just I don't really have r/l people who I can talk with, sorry still whittling on about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
magicgirl79 · 30/03/2015 21:26

I know, I don't know why im finding it so hard, I really don't, im not a strong person in any situation, and although im close to 40 I have no confidence or strength in me too do this.

His drugs are cannabis but its the amount, the first thing he does in the morning is make a joint whilst D an I have breakfast, this then continues through out the day, till bedtime.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 30/03/2015 21:47

What if you spoke to someone in real life, a friend or a relative? They might be able to help you with the act of actually splitting and making a go of things on your own.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 30/03/2015 22:22

Yes, I plan to speak to a close friend, I think she has a feeling that something is not right with me.

I have changed immensely, physically I have lost weight and probably look like im carrying the world on my shoulders.

I desperately want to feel happy, loved, passionate about someone and somethings, I guess I want to feel alive again, and I want my daughter to feel like this too.

OP posts:
thisisnow · 30/03/2015 22:28

You can feel all of those things of course you can. Speak to her sooner rather than later. Keep positive Smile and remember you're working towards a better future. Of course it's scary and absolutely terrifying but think about taking charge of your life again and how good it will feel not to have to walk on egg shells.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 31/03/2015 22:13

Spoke with her today and she was shocked by my story of life. She does not understand how I can possibly be putting up with this. In a way it was good as she was a r/l person and genuinely was shocked about how I feel and how I have been managing to hide it all so well!!

Just getting it out in actual words was like a weight lifted. Next step is approaching H again, but right now he is stuck in the lobby smoking yet another joint!!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 31/03/2015 23:49

Why do you need to speak to him? By the sounds of it, you have spoken to him many times and he has already told you he will choose the drugs over you and your daughter.

Are you wanting his permission to leave? Is it one last attempt? Or is it to tell him it's over and you are leaving
I am very sorry about what is happening to you op. But the longer you stay with someone who doesn't love you, the longer you are keeping yourself from someone who does.

avocadosarentmiddleclassed · 01/04/2015 05:33

I ended a rl because of this too, it was painful very painful because I did love him but it wasn't where I wanted to be in 5 years time so I ended it.. Im now married to a wonderful non drinking/smoking man and am happier and more successful than Ive ever been.
Take a leap of faith and you will be caught I promise...

BastardGoDarkly · 01/04/2015 05:41

I'm glad you've got some rl support. Agree though, what is there to talk about? He's said how he feels, believe him.

You're stronger than you think you know, be brave Flowers

blessedenough · 01/04/2015 06:46

He will just talk you around, feed you the LIES about how he will change or get help or its not that bad. How you are destroying your family (you def arent btw) and how you will be so unhappy without him etc etc.

Its clear you want things to be different but you cant yet see that they will be without him and you will be grand. You are living a half life and the worst bit is you are making your DD live a half life - sorry to be harsh the last thing you need is someone getting at you but i could shake you - in a helpful and supportive way!

No one could tell me either and i really couldnt see it - he left me and i was devastated but i took my opportunity to run. Move house, town and cut everyone out of my life that knew him, changed my phone number.

For ages i felt i had no closure and needed him to know what an arse he was and how he ruined everything and now it doesnt matter one jot. In fact if i saw him i would prob thank him and shake his bloody hand as its the best thing he ever did for me.

Sometimes you cant look at the big picture, you cant look 6 months down the line, you just need to take one step at a time. I am not sure of your housing situation but move out, or get him to, get your friends more involved again, hobbies, cut your hair whatever. He isnt going to do this for you only you can.

I hate to say it but the longer you leave this the more likely your DD will go through exactly the same as patterns are repeated - speaks the voice of experience.

I know you want him to have some sort of road to Damascus moment but he wont, why should he you have been putting up for this for the last 5 yrs despite all the threads and talks. The very best of luck. You have no confidence or strength because of him - once you start its like a muscle and you will look back in years to come and see that you did all along you just needed to exercise it!

It sounds cheesy but i choose to be the master of my own destiny and stop life happening to me, best bloody thing i ever did!!!

The one thing that comes across so strongly from this thread - loads of women all in the same or similar situations and we all wish we had done it years ago and when we finally did we all wonder what took us so long. Not one of us has said we regretted it!!

Whocansay · 01/04/2015 07:21

He's said he will leave? Show him the door! He takes drugs round your child and you are enabling him.

Look at the 'stately homes' threads. See how children of enablers feel about their parents once they grow up.

You are the adult. You are the parent. You make the choice to make her live with this or not. You've had lots of advice, it's down to you.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 01/04/2015 07:41

You imply you'll be lonely if you leave and just want to be happy and loved.

Well you're lonely now, you're not happy now and if he does love you, it's not enough - he loves something else more.

Personally I think being lonely in a relationship is worse than being lonely and single.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 01/04/2015 08:36

Also, you say you've previously had two bad relationships and this one seemed an improvement - dont underestimate an addict's ability to zone in on this. An addict wants a partner who will enable them.

Coyoacan · 01/04/2015 12:56

I remember that fear of leaving a bad relationship, magic, but when I finally did I was on cloud 9 and I've never looked back.

And no, I'm not one of the lucky ones who found a great new relationship. I've stayed alone with my dd, but it is still soooo much better than being in a bad relationship.

I think the Counselling advice is great

lemonstartree · 01/04/2015 15:12

maplebaconchips I suggest you refrain from posting about things you clearly know NOTHING about. Skunk is both physically and psychologically habit forming. Just as many people can drink alcohol without any problems , many people van smoke skunk occasionally in moderation. Other people, however cannot and the damage that they can do to the people around them is immense. For those people it is NOT and never ever can be 'just a bit of pot' .

FFS the man is an addict. My ExH was/is a cannabis addict and the damage he has done to his whole family, most specifically OUR children is every bit as damaging as that caused by alcoholics of gamblers.

'Just a bit of pot', really?

magic it is NOT normal. Most people do NOT take drugs. just get out and live a NORMAL life. By exposing your daughter to this you are teaching her that drug taking is NORMAL, and it is therefore entirely possible /probably she will take it up herself

serene12 · 01/04/2015 16:14

Addiction is very much a family illness, as it affects the whole family. I used to have a family member, who was a drug addict living in my family home, until we made him leave and had to involve the Police. I was very lucky as I found Families Anonymous (FA) website, who are for families/friends of addicts, I now go to their meetings. FA has changed my life for the better, I realised I was enabling the addict, that I couldn't control, cure and I didn't cause the addiction. Addicts are very manipulative, they have to feel the consequences of their poor choices, they have no motivation to change, if we keep rescuing them, why should they change, when we continue to house, feed them etc. Social Services will be concerned if their is a child living in the same home as a drug user. Good luck.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 01/04/2015 17:22

Ok, I bit the bullet and have spoken to my mum, we don't get on all that great and have major different views on things, but with this she was so angry!!

She can not believe I allow H to smoke cannabis and is horrified he smokes and at times is in sole charge of D! That shook me as this has been so normalised our whole time together.

She also questions will D grow up to think Dad smokes cannabis so its ok, how can I advice not to when I have allowed it in our lives!!

I do to an extent love him, perhaps not so much as I once did, the love has changed. Next step for me is to find the strength to ask him to now leave.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 01/04/2015 19:42

Well done seeking RL conversations about this appalling situation - I am really glad that your friend AND your mother have hopefully shown you by their reactions that your situation is NOT normal or acceptable.

You are on the road to a life where you have the freedom to live your life as you want to lead it and be a good example to your DD. Onwards and upwards SmileThanks

paxtecum · 01/04/2015 20:11

Magic girl: you are doing really well.

Wishing you strength.

trappedinsuburbia · 01/04/2015 20:37

Mums can speak an enormous amount of sense, well done for speaking out.
You will fjnd the strength to tell him to leave you've already set the wheels in motion.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2015 08:44

Another wake up call for you from your mum.
You'll get there.
One baby step at a time.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 03/04/2015 15:12

Thanks all, this week as been very odd, we have been like ships passing in the night, just plodding along really, this is so very hard, I cant help but feel there is still love there or maybe I am confusing everything as it could be very close to the end?? Is it normal?

OP posts:
thisisnow · 03/04/2015 15:32

Yes it's normal to still have love there, of course, you have a child together. But doesn't mean it's worth staying and putting up with years more of this misery! x

Cherryapple1 · 03/04/2015 15:40

Loving someone doesn't mean you are in the right relationship. He really is nothing but bad news, no matter what your heart says. Listen to your Mum.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 03/04/2015 21:23

You are both right, he has been so nice this last couple of weeks and it has messed with my head but I think emotionally im out.

We no longer do anything as a family and that's partly my choice to, we don't share a bed either and haven't for many years, again a lot of my choice, but I think I could be affectionate with the right person if that makes sense, as I was questioning if it was something that is wrong with me?

Also im terrified my D would want to go with her dad? Would that be possible with him as a drug user?

OP posts:
CadMaryzCremeEggzAreASwizz · 03/04/2015 21:30

magicgirl, I'll just give you my perspective, because you have children.

You have to remember that you are choosing to bring your children up in a house with someone who loves drugs more than he loves them.

I have brought my younger children up in a house with an addict. They have seen him stoned and psychotic. They have watched him put his addiction ahead of his own education, health, future. They have seen the police come to the door, they have had to take care leaving our house for fear his "mates" confront them.

They have watched me pay off his dealer, attend a court case; they have seen me crying many times, they have watched as I have gone through 5 years of depression, been unable to work, they have seen more than a lifetimes worth of rows.

I had no choice, because the addict in my house was my son - who started down this route at the age of 12. I couldn't chuck him out.

You have a choice. Your husband is an adult. Don't let your daughter grow up the way mine did.

I wish you strength Flowers