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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Won't/Can't quit drugs.

152 replies

magicgirl79 · 20/03/2015 18:14

Sorry to still be going in but from others threads you will see my H is quite a heavy cannabis smoker. It all has come to a head with the moods and sulking behaviour, we had a huge talk, I told him how he makes me feel, anxious and nervous, I asked him to stop smoking cannabis, he says we can't and won't as he needs it? What now? Sorry just I don't really have r/l people who I can talk with, sorry still whittling on about this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2015 21:33

He has smoked drugs with his other kids ?

This is on the cards for your dd if you don't remove her

is that ok with you ?

Missymoomoo1979 · 20/03/2015 22:59

I was 16 when I met DS1'S Dad. He smoked cannabis and injected speed. I had ds1 when I was 17. By the time ds was 4 months old I knew I had to leave and my god was that the best choice I've made. Turns out he then went on to heroin. Is on methadone and been to prison.

Is that the life you want? You might think you love him but he loves the drugs more than you I'm afraid.

paxtecum · 21/03/2015 03:20

Magic: you can leave him.

I didn't leave. He left me. I put him first. I thought if I left he wouldn't cope.

We lived separate lives in the same house. It was horrible. I should have left him years ago.

How old is your daughter?

Do you get on well with your mum.
Could you move in with her temporarily?

loveareadingthanks · 21/03/2015 06:28

Hi OP, what's stopping you leaving is that you are thinking 'but it's only cannabis'.

Probably 9 times out of 10 I'd agree with that. But 9 out of 10 smokers are NOT like your DP. I've been around smokers for over 40 years and there have been stages in my life when I've been a regular smoker myself. Most people who smoke do so in the same way that most of us have the odd glass of wine or a couple of pints of beer. It doesn't have a negative impact on our lives. Even those I would say are heavy smokers (smoking most days, part of routine) live normal lives, do things, go out, go on holidays, go to work every day (I bet he doesn't) and have careers, raise happy healthy children, aren't miserable fuckers.

What you have there is the 1 out of 10 smokers, who is the smoker equivalent of an alcoholic. No control, no desire to stop, no ability to stop, a true addiction, and one that destroys their life. He literally cannot even go on a day out because of his habit? The thought of a week's holiday with his family without smoking is impossible to him? He is a loser. Men like this (and for some reason I've only seen men like this, and yes, I have seen them and their poor wives/families) do not ever change. One woman I know put up with this for over 20 years. She finally cracked and left him a couple of years ago, and she is free of being the only responsible one, the one who worked and supported them all, the one who bought their house, the one who lived essentially as a single parent with a loser in the house, the one who made all the effort, the one who had a career, while he sat indoors every day smoking his life away. She's so much happier now. In fact she's just become engaged and bought a nice little house with a nice man who adores her (not cannabis) and they have a great social life. Her kids have all done well, but it's thanks to her not her dad. She still smokes cannabis herself on occasion because she's one of the 9 out of 10 who isn't a jerk about it. She wishes she'd left her useless pothead ex years ago.

You can have a good normal life as a smoker. You can't as a pothead. Potheads never change. Never. This will be your life and your daughters life forever until you do something about it.

chosenone · 21/03/2015 07:25

If he wanted to give it up he could. If he loved you and your DD he could. It would be hard, but he could do it. Be careful though addicts are the most selfish , manipulative people to be involved with. He will beg and plead for you and say all sorts of shit whilst planning his next joint. I have lot of bitter experience (unfortunately) when I met my current dp he was a habitual cannabis user , days planned around weed , living for the next joint so I made it clear we would never live together and never have a true commitment. He then gave it up ! And then gave up smoking too.
So I committed to him.
You are young enough to have a whole new bright future. I understand your worries re your daughter, but thats his responsibility, it really is. He has no reason to fight his addiction atthe moment. He might Iif you leave !
It can be done. Good luck

InThisTogether · 21/03/2015 10:42

awww lovely,
I'm sorry for you but it's as simple as this:

he doesn't want to quit.

therefore until he does, he won't. sorry for you but I think it's time... good luck x

straighttothepoint · 21/03/2015 13:47

Leave him ffs

lemonstartree · 21/03/2015 14:20

I left my ex H over cannabis. Well over the paranoia, aggression, abuse and normalising of an addiction.

best thing I ever did.

Just do it.

If he actually quits at any point you can see if there is anything left between you - for now hes a waste of space, a poor example and prioritising drugs over you and your child.

magicgirl79 · 21/03/2015 15:32

Yes that's exactley it, the moods etc and not being able to go a day without the cannabis. Not sure how to explain to D, when he's nice, he's very nice but that's stimulated with drugs I guess!

OP posts:
thisisnow · 21/03/2015 15:39

Have you spoken with a counsellor yet? I think it's a good start you having a chat with him, maybe part of you was hoping that he'd offer to give it up or at least try; but he hasn't so you know what you have to do. It's going to be hard but so worth it when you can do whatever you and DD want xx

MelonBallersAreStrange · 21/03/2015 16:39

Do you know what it would take for you to leave?

magicgirl79 · 21/03/2015 16:50

Its very difficult, in my head I believe I want to go and start again. Also I see that things could be a lot worse, which makes no sense at all.

He has said no to stopping or cutting back as he just cant. He has said its due to his age, how long he has been doing it etc and that he could be doing a lot worse than hash.

I almost feel he turned it back around to me that has the problem and that im making something out of nothing. He also half heartingly offered for him to leave but then came all the dramatics.

Yes he smoked with both his kids when thy were about 16/17, they are now adults who still use.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 21/03/2015 17:01

He has said no to stopping or cutting back as he just cant. He has said its due to his age, how long he has been doing it etc and that he could be doing a lot worse than hash.

Yes, he can.
It's nothing to do with age.
He has no desire to change - I am so sorry.

You. Cannot. Change. Him.

He is telling you what he is telling himself to justify what he is doing Sad.

You have the freedom whether to chose to stay with the status quo. Or leave.
The fact that things 'could be a lot worse' is good enough for you to stay?!

PacificDogwood · 21/03/2015 17:02

And yes, what would it take for you to leave?

RandomNPC · 21/03/2015 17:05

Yes he smoked with both his kids when thy were about 16/17, they are now adults who still use.

Fucking hell, what a scumbag

magicgirl79 · 21/03/2015 21:19

I have no idea what is stopping, why I feel so scared to do anything.

I have had 2 relationships before this one and the other 2 were horrible men, so in a way H was an improvement!! What a sad situation really. Its almost like I have no self respect.

OP posts:
gettingabitworriednow · 21/03/2015 21:29

I posted very briefly earlier. I am a similar age to you and have recently separated from a heavy cannabis user. I also procrastinated for ages, mostly due to worrying about the effects on my DCs and thinking I was making too big a deal over his addiction (like your DP, mine had manipulated me into normalizing it to a certain extent). I can honestly tell you that the only regret I have was waiting so long to do it!! My kids are going really well, there's such a different, light atmosphere in our house these days. I didn't realize how much DPs addiction was affecting ALL of us. You will definitely find the same. Please leave. For your sake and your daughter's.

PacificDogwood · 21/03/2015 21:32

IMO you should actively seek some time on your own (with your DD of course) and use that time to have therapy to understand how you chose the relationships that you do.

Lweji · 22/03/2015 14:10

Ask yourself what you want for your DD.
For her to start a habit at 16?

pocketsaviour · 22/03/2015 14:12

OP sorry if you have answered this before, but can I ask what your parent's relationship is like? (with each other and with you)

magicgirl79 · 22/03/2015 16:27

Definatley don't want that for D nor even get into a relationship like this one.
It's not always difficult but when it is, it really is.

OP posts:
magicgirl79 · 22/03/2015 16:40

My parents have a "normal" relationship. My mum can be quite controlling. Neither of them take drugs etc and don't really agree with it. My dad is very laid back and supportive to me my mum, he is a wonderful man.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/03/2015 16:40

He's told you in clear and unambiguous language that his smoking of weed is more important to him than you and your daughter. Have a think about that for a bit.

Nothing is going to change until and unless you are the one who does it. This useless excuse for a man has nothing to offer you but more of the same old crap.

You will be better off out of there and on your own. He's a loser who needs to be sloughed off and disposed of. And soon

Lweji · 22/03/2015 17:26

Definitely don't want that for D nor even get into a relationship like this one.

You have your answer there.

What are you going to do about it?

  • you don't have to answer here, btw, but to yourself and to your DD
PacificDogwood · 22/03/2015 17:34

Nothing is going to change until and unless you are the one who does it

This.

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