Won't/Can't quit drugs.

[magicgirl79]

Sorry to still be going in but from others threads you will see my H is quite a heavy cannabis smoker. It all has come to a head with the moods and sulking behaviour, we had a huge talk, I told him how he makes me feel, anxious and nervous, I asked him to stop smoking cannabis, he says we can't and won't as he needs it? What now? Sorry just I don't really have r/l people who I can talk with, sorry still whittling on about this.

Not specifically macicgirl79, but it was linked. After we had my LO he did rein in the smoking somewhat. What happened was that the EA got worse due to the pressures of having a newborn, and I became very poorly with PND which he refused to believe. So towards the end, it was much more about escaping a miserable, unpredictable, unhappy home where I was treated very badly.

Do not accept bad behaviour. You don't deserve it. No one does. But I know it can feel so hard to break away from it when you have links (house, child etc)

It can be done. It wasn't easy but I got tons of advice from Gingerbread and started getting tax credit help. For example, did you know that if you split up, you can claim your own single person tax credits from the date of the split (if you qualify of course) while you are still in the same home, as long as you are taking steps to separate properly?

Me exdp smoked pot on a daily basis years ago. He ended up with a full mental health team and a diagnosis of delusions of persecution.

Harmless my ass.

I accept this doesn't happen to everyone, just the same as the majority of alcohol drinkers do not turn into alcoholicsalcoholics, but it really is a game of Russian roulette. You can't be sure who will be affected.

Your dp will probably not be affected by a meh illness now, as it has been years, but he certainly has a personality problem on it.

I think you are waiting for some divine intervention, some shutter coming down on the side of feeling 100% ready to leave etc, but that will probably never happen.

You may always feel you are not strong enough, unhappy enough, etc.

The only time you may feel these things I suspect will be when it has a very negative direct impact on your dd. I just hope that, that will not be too late.

It is scary to leave, it is heartbreaking, you think what if - if only I tried this, if only he did that, what If the next time, I would have got through to him. Etc.

But if you stay, you have to keep posting on MN because nothing changes, you actually feel worse, you realise 4/5 years have passed and you are still in the same or even worse position.

You've tried this road. It didn't get any better. It's not going to.

Try the other road. Follow it through for the adventure of something different, if nothing else.

ohsotired ~ thank you, for some reason after talking with H I some how feel the bad one for asking him to change out of the blue, but I never had the courage to do it before.

Also im worried I have been dramatic as he is being very nice now. Confused.

Sooooo many mistakes.

Sorry. V tired.

Also im worried I have been dramatic as he is being very nice now. Confused.

That sounds like the cycle of abuse. The good parts make you doubt the bad and hope that the good last. They won't.

IMO it is almost irrelevant what is making your miserable and walking on egg shells and doubting yourself - the fact is that you ARE.

You can carry on like this or YOU can make changes when he is choosing not to.

Of course he'll be 'nice' from time to time.

As stated on another thread by a wise poster 'the absence of abuse is not kindness' - not accept these bread crumbs as all you deserve.

You either stay and accept the status quo.
Or you change.

It IS a simple as that.

The practicalities you can work out step by step, but the decision in your head is much simpler. Not easy, but simple.

Perhaps the mood swings are why he is smoking pot, it could be possible he is trying to self medicate, and he has a mental health problem. If he is being nice, and you love him, its worth talking it through, with him surely.

...and no I am not a drug user.

Sod that. He's unwilling to change or try to, the OP has made that pretty clear. She said she's been asking for advice on his moodswings since 2010.

I suspect maplebaconchips is some form of a troll, IGNORE. After everything you have written on this thread, to say things like "it's just a bit of pot" is ridiculous. Wow, great help there.

He's being nice because he senses change, and that you're standing up to him. He's trying to distract you.

I do not advocate leaving someone on a whim. You have provided a lot of detail that shows the cycle. It is pointless to stay in the cycle for years and years if they are unwilling to get help. They have to want help. It's 2015. Does it feel like that's going to happen?

My ex was nice sometimes, too. He could be the nicest person in the world, when he chose to be. Don't fall for it. They will also pull out Mr Nice when they see you are dangerously close to having enough. I've been there. Breadcrumbs - another excellent way to put it. That's all they are.

But the yo-yo of my life nearly did me in.

I once said to him that I would happily go without his amazing presents or surprises if he would be consistently a nice person, and nice to me.

Living with the unknown is exhausting. Having someone be nice, and then treat you like you are worthless and stupid makes you feel crazy. Watching a dark cloud slowly descending and knowing that you're about to go through it all again, feeling sick and upset- and having it turn a good day into a terrible one. Getting in trouble at work because you're made so anxious by a bad scene at home and worrying that you are distracted, and no one really gets it.

The bad moods, the temper, not hitting you - but maybe lots of shouting, or hitting walls or punching tables and making you jump, not being able to say anything right as everything you say is wrong in his eyes, when he's in his dark place. The feeling that you shouldn't be in your own home, the feeling that you have to stay out of his way, or go away until it passes or something makes him happy (usually a delivery of a 1/4 of really smelly skunk.)

It's no way to live. It's certainly not a good place for children to live. I'm glad I at least got out while my LO was too young to know what was going on.

Yes, and she hasn't left him, despite being thoroughly encouraged to, almost goaded to. Perhaps finding out why he feels he needs the pot, and what he feels it does positively for him will help him modify his behaviour, rather than just dump the whole relationship. He can certainly break the habitual behaviour of smoking dope, it is absolute rubbish that it is physically addictive in any way. I was shocked at the push this woman has been getting to break up her family, over her husband smoking a bit of pot. The mood swings may well be the reason why he smokes, and if he got some psych attention, he may well find he wants and is able to stop smoking. But easier to call me a troll, eh...

Maple: ok, you know best.
I was married for 30 years to a someone who could not go one single day without smoking pot. He is 64 and still smoking it.
His brain is adled.

My DD was with someone for 16 years who was the same.

They were both very moody and smoking pot was so important to them.

My XH couldn't have sex without having a spliff or several.

It was not my DD that broke up the family when she left her husband. He broke up the family by continueing to smoke pot.
He started when he was 11. He is now 42.
And you tell me he wasn't addicted.
FFS.

I'm not going to respond to that much, because it's pretty clear you haven't read, or have chosen not to take on board all the very long history she's provided about his behaviour, and the honest stories other posters have typed out here.

The addiction may be part psychological and part physical, but it's causing enormous problems either way. What difference does that make? He won't get help, so far.

If this was a new problem, then you might have a shred of a point, but it's not. Should she stick around for another five years to try and find out why he needs it and persuade him to get help? Brilliant life for her and the kids.

maple please correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying, he isn't addicted. It isn't addictive, he could stop if he wanted, he just needs to explore the reasons why he feels he needs it. Or more specifically the op needs to counsel him to get to the bottom of his needing it and then everything will work out great.

Is that about it?

I was under the impression this is a man in his 50's. Not some immature 20 year old.

What if he says he doesn't need it. He just chooses to smoke it because he wants to?

You say you are not a drug user maple do you live with a drug user?

I was going to ask that too. If you aren't a drug user, and you don't live with someone who needs cannabis in their life to this extent, then you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

There have already been statements made about how it can be a recreational drug for some - I'm certainly not making any sweeping comments. But some people do develop major problems with it. And there is most certainly rehab for it. Google "cannabis private rehab" and you will get loads of results. Type in cannabis on NHS Choices and all kinds of links, articles and information on help and rehab come up.

maple on the last page you said you would leave this thread and you were sorry for intruding.

Please don't let the door hit you in the arse on your way out.

OP, you are not "the bad one" for telling your H that you are unhappy and his behaviour is not acceptable.

You have just realised that you've spent the last 5 years trying to cope with his moodswings, taking all the responsibility for them on yourself and thinking you can "manage" him. You cannot manage his addiction, of which the moodswings are part.

I feel you might benefit from getting some info and support from Nar Anon which is a support organisation for families and loved ones of addicts (works the same way as Al-Anon.) Have a look at their 20 Questions section and see how many you say yes to.

Please contact Womens Aid.
Please enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Attend the course and complete it.

Then get the hell away from this horrible addict.
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
You just can't. Please leave and find yourself a happy life.

Do you give him the money for these drugs?

Her you go, Maple,

en·abler

noun
:one that enables another to achieve an end; especially :one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior

No idea how those emoticons got in there!

It is him who has said himself that he can not quit as he couldn't deal with his anger etc without Cannabis.

If im honest I stay as this may be as good as it gets for me, which is extremely sad to admit that.

My confidence and self esteem are very low. I want to be strong so bad!

Nobody can tell you how to live your life.

If he wanted to address his anger issues he could - many people self-medicate with alcohol or weed or other drugs; they still get addicted though and they never address the underlying issue.

This thread is not about whether or not he is addicted or whether or not he could stop or whether or not he has MH issues.
It is about how his behaviour is affecting you and his DD - you are unhappy, your confidence and self-esteem are low.

At the very least, I'd suggest you take some time away from him. Get some therapy to help you clarify in your own head in RL what it is you want out of life and how to achieve that.

If you have been posting since 2010 about this situation and you don't make a change you will still be posting in 2020 about the same stuff. It really is up to you.

And here is a quote from the renowned relationship expert Albert Einstein

Make a change. One little change towards feeling happier. Don't wait for him to change - he will or he won't in his own time. YOU can make a change now.

I really like that quote, actually made me smile.

Sometimes in my own time, travelling to work etc I let my head get away with itself and think of the other life I could have and its great.

Worries me I may think the grass is greener though, that's what knocks me back down.

I think I also see him as a friend now, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore, I keep thinking im too young yet to keep this life but im such an anxious person it is going through with all the changes that makes it so hard.

Your anxiety is caused by living with a moody, unpredictable, sulking pothead.

Maybe you need some counselling first, to talk this all through in depth with someone who can help you address your self esteem issues. Believe me, you can work towards, and deserve a life you are happy with, without this hanging over your head.

I didn't believe I could leave, but CBT helped me work out how to do it eventually.

Grass is greener though? What is he giving you right now?

I think the Counselling would be a brilliant idea. I have so much I want to talk about and ask but don't know who to trust and who I can confide in.

I guess in some ways he is a good dad, our D has no idea about drugs at all as she is too young.

I think my anxiety has grown more and more from being with him as I felt I had to walk on eggshells, I have kind of switched off to that feeling now as it will pass over and a huge part of me doesn't even care anymore. At the same times im sad at what it has become.

I think I have grown up really, from being in my 20s without a child it didn't really matter, to being in my 30s with different priorities it does, and I kind of feel ashamed and almost guilty that I am asking for these changes.

Well, there's you 'change': go for counselling.
Make that your active step to looking after yourself and trying to figure out how you can improve your life.

Why would you feel 'ashamed and almost guilty' for asking for changes when the status quo is making everybody involved unhappy? I might be leaping to conclusions here, but you cannot tell me that your DP is happy , is he?

your change