Won't/Can't quit drugs.

[magicgirl79]

Sorry to still be going in but from others threads you will see my H is quite a heavy cannabis smoker. It all has come to a head with the moods and sulking behaviour, we had a huge talk, I told him how he makes me feel, anxious and nervous, I asked him to stop smoking cannabis, he says we can't and won't as he needs it? What now? Sorry just I don't really have r/l people who I can talk with, sorry still whittling on about this.

You don't need an excuse to leave him (not that this isn't enough of a reason). If you don't want to be with him don't. Stop using your daughter's upset as an excuse to stay. Make her one of the reasons why you have to leave. Or do you want her to be a drug addict too?

How do I get over the fear of finishing it all, how do I get the strength. He has possibly been in control for so long im finding it very difficult to make the changes I know I HAVE to and NEED to do.

Staying with him is harder than leaving.

Do you have anywhere you can go? Even short term?

Just leave.
Do it.
Do it ASAP.
Don't over think it - you are currently just looking for and finding reasons why you cannot leave.

Just do it. Have some distance. You'll find your life will be easier and you'll find your way forward.

Gather information and support.
It will give you the strength you need, because it may seem like a huge step now, but if you break it down it will become manageable.
Can you get him out of the house?
Can you move in with family for a bit?
What accommodation can you afford?
How much can you get on benefits?
What will maintenance be?
How much (if anything) will you get from splitting assets?

Love, talk to your parents.

They will want to help you.

Lweji has posted excellent advice.

I wish you strength.

It is just pot. I can't believe the total overreaction on this thread. Poor man! You know cannabis can be good for you, a medicine. Its not like he is smoking meth or something worse.

Its not just pot when they can't even go for a day out what a ridiculous statement and very ignorant of you maple

Just leave him your lives will be so much better OP

What is ridiculous is saying someone should be left because they smoke a bit of pot! If he is useless in other ways, sure, but it really is being blown out of proportion. I actually feel a bit sorry for him. He is NOT a drug addict. Cannabis is not addictive.

Maple: actually words fail me.
I was married for 30 years to an addict, who could not go for a day without smoking dope.

Wherever we went on holiday he had to either put some in his suitcase and then buy more when we were there.

Maple - saying someone should be left for a behaviour that is having a negative impact on their life and the life of their wife and child is actually extremely reasonable. Being so dependent on an illegal drug that you can't go on holiday or for days out is not in any way reasonable.

If he is otherwise a decent husband and father, and loved, this thread seems to be working up into a rather extreme reaction to an adult person smoking a bit of pot. There is no way on earth that someone cannot function without cannabis, they are choosing to smoke it, it is not physically addictive, and the psychological element is minor.

Calling this man an addict, suggesting he is a danger to his kids is a bit over the top.

OP, if you want out of the relationship, then get out, but hear him out. You can tell him from me, its pot, not smack and he is more than capable of cutting it down to a level which will not impact on his family life. Some people, the more you react to something, the more they will hold onto it.

I think he's an addict. He is unable to be nice unless he is high. He compulsive continues with the behaviour despite the negative consequences.

Just because cannabis use affects someone in one way it does not mean it affects everyone the same way. I know regular heavy users who can function fine but also those that are constantly exhausted, late for everything, unable to hold down jobs and frankly really boring.

Maple, would you tell someone whose DP was an alcoholic that it was just alcohol, plenty of people drink and have no problems, that he can just cut down? Magicgirl's DH is an addict, it doesn't matter what the substance is, the problem is he can't function without it, and that he puts his addiction above her and his child.

My neice has a school friend whose parents both smoke pot in the house, my sister has told my DN that she can have her friend over, but she can't go to her house because of this. DN's friend could be your DD in a few years, the girl who friends aren't allowed to visit because of her father's drug intake.

A few years after that she could be smoking herself, because her father smoked and her mother, by not stopping him or leaving normalised it. You've said yourself that his older children both have smoked with him.

And later on she could be living with a man who is an addict, because that's what she saw growing up, that's what family life is to her.

I understand why you are struggling to go, but by staying you're depriving your DD, and yourself, of so much.

I wont intrude on your thread further, but smoking pot is nothing like being an alcoholic. Alcoholics NEED booze to function, they black out, it affects their personalities, makes them violent in some cases. Pot just doesnt have that potential to harm that alcohol does, not to mention it is nowhere close to as devestating on the body. Even comparing a dope smoker to an alcoholic is a bit clueless to say the least.
OP, if you love him, ask him to cut down a bit, but he is not an addict, not even close, there isnt even rehab for dope smokers. He is being self indulgent and should put you and the kids first, but it shouldnt be a deal breaker if he is otherwise lovely.

It's pretty extreme if you can't even go on a bloody plane for a nice holiday cos HE can't do without, how sad is that, and why should everyone else suffer, it's selfishness, most drug addiction is psychological.

Also OP, perhaps if you leave him he will start to take you seriously, the reason you keep posting about him is because you're not getting anywhere!

'there isn't even rehab for dope smokers' - yes there really is.

And it has physical withdrawal as well as psychological.

Read the OP's other threads. He is not 'otherwise lovely'.

Leave.

If somebody can't go on holiday, because they 'can't do without' their drug of choice, be it allegedly non addictive or not, etc, then you do not have a normal life. You have a life that is being lived around somebody else, their needs, their wants.

Just go, take your daughter, and build a beautiful new life together.
And don't look back, you're not going that way, you've moving forward.

Maple, when my son in law tried to give up pot, he was in a terrible state with night sweats, nightmares etc.
His mood swings were always bad and had an effect on the whole family.
We were all walking round on egg shells.

there isnt even rehab for dope smokers.

That is such a lie. All commercial rehabs that deal with drug addictions will treat cannabis addiction as will NHS community drug and alcohol teams. Narcotics Anonymous would also welcome you with open arms.

While cannabis doesn't have the same chemical addictive qualities of, say, alcohol it can very much be psychologically addictive. Anyone like the OP's partner who smokes multiple joints a day, gets anxious and angry when deprived and cannot even contemplate going away on holiday because it means he won't be able to get his drug of choice absolutely qualifies as an addict.

Got a little drug habit of your own you're trying to justify, maplebaconchips?

Ok, leaving aside the obvious lie that maple is trying to perpetuate...

Imagine that tomorrow cheese became criminalised and you had to go to dealers for your feta fix and suddenly fondue and pizza and other fantastic foods were forbidden.

If, in this circumstance, my DP said to me "I don't like you eating cheese, you need to choose between cheese and me and the kids" I would, without a moment's hesitation, choose them because they are my first priority in life. And I really love cheese and I'd think that banning cheese would be the stupidest idea in the world and I would campaign against it BUT I would still choose them.

But OP's "D"H hasn't done that - and his behaviour over time and his behaviour now is showing that OP and DD come far down the list of priorities where weed is number 1.

Thank you for the different views on this.

If he were smoking a lot less this perhaps would not be a big deal. I know people who can maybe smoke and enjoy once a week and it doesn't effect any other part of their life.

H is different, he needs it, in his mind he needs it to cope as he said. He is grouchy, mood, sulky and silent without it.

We don't go on holidays abroad as we cant, he says its because he has never been abroad but really its because of Cannabis.

He would leave over this. Im scared I am being dramatic and maybe making a mistake, maybe this has made me fed up enough to lose respect for him.

I looked up another similar website and I found I was asking advice on his moodswings back in 2010.

Just chiming in as my ex was a heavy cannabis user. His relationship with it went up and down over the years, and he really battled with it. I knew quite a few other men who were exactly the same as him.

You will get people saying it's harmless. Just like any drug, for some it is. For some it's helpful for their medical conditions. I am not in the camp to say no one should have it, but if you are living with a constant smoker who has a problem with it, it really isn't helpful for recreational users to shut down someone's concerns.

I dealt with terrible moodswings, serious panic as he was running out, making me pester friends if he was having trouble finding more and awful moods if he ran out or tried to give up. He tried to get me to smoke with him, I guess to make him feel better about it. I did for a little while and stopped. Now I can't bear the smell, especially kids smoking skunk when I'm in town. It's horrible.

I once worked up the courage to tell him very honestly how it was affecting me, and him, and asked him to stop. He didn't. He said it helped him sleep and it "stopped" his brain (he had anger management issues and mood problems.) After all that time, it was hard to know which were linked to cannabis and which were part of him, from before the time he started smoking.

He said the same as your partner - it helped him cope.

It was linked to 10 years of EA and as things got worse, I wouldn't stand in his way to get some to stop the bad moods and have a "happy" OH again.

You aren't being dramatic, at all. Not going on holiday because he can't access it is a problem. We went on holiday to Amsterdam several times, and he went with his friends too. Guess why?

ohsotired45 ~ Was that the reason you have spilt up?

Thanks for your input too x