Won't/Can't quit drugs.

[magicgirl79]

Sorry to still be going in but from others threads you will see my H is quite a heavy cannabis smoker. It all has come to a head with the moods and sulking behaviour, we had a huge talk, I told him how he makes me feel, anxious and nervous, I asked him to stop smoking cannabis, he says we can't and won't as he needs it? What now? Sorry just I don't really have r/l people who I can talk with, sorry still whittling on about this.

He tells me he is happy and loves us both. I used to think after we had our baby, why does he still need drugs, to me everything was perfect.

We went through so much to have a baby (IVF) miscarriages etc, all through this he would not give up drugs, I just don't know what to think anymore.

I'd struggle to be happy if my partner, the other parent of my much wanted and hard won child, told me they were unhappy. I'd consider what I could do to improve things.

'Love' is just a word unless it's followed up by actions and deeds.

I was just on another thread about fear of flying. I do my absolute best not to show my fear in front of ds, because fear is catching.

You can tell your child how to act like a strong person and how to stand up for yourself, or you can show them. And oh God, it's so hard sometimes - you don't actually feel any different while you're pretending to be strong . But nothing will stick with your dd longer than seeing you be strong, for you and for her. (And actually, for your partner too. I strongly believe that weed is actively harmful for most people, like most drugs legal and illegal, even if it can have a short-term benefit for some.)

If you're not ready to leave, how about starting by having a day out, just you and your child? What about booking a holiday? There's nothing stopping you - lots of people in relationships have holidays and time apart - more to talk about when you come back.

Thank you, my daughter and I always do things in our own now, I prefer it that way as I don't have to think about him perhaps getting edgy and spoiling it for us all. We also try to go away for a fun hol once a year again ourselves as I know there would be days it would perhaps be spoilt. I find when his mood swings it takes it's toll on me then in turn effects D. I was thinking of a trial seperation but cutting the ties is maybe the best now.

I've just spotted your last reply. It speaks volumes - you have a great time when you go away with your daughter and it's just the two of you.

Think about how that felt, when you were happy and away from him. Relaxed. Not worried about what he might say or how he might spoil the mood. Hold onto that feeling and make your plans as you can. That could be your new life!

My holidays with my ex were often spoilt by bad moods too. I was "lazy and selfish" for wanting to relax and rest - he wanted to go out for 12 hours everyday exploring. My wish to do a bit of sunbathing, swimming or relaxing was tolerated for an hour, no more. Bad moods would result in me crying in our hotel room, feeling sad and homesick. Then he'd change over and we'd have a lovely romantic meal with wine and it would be ok again. For a bit.

Definitely sounds like you could use some counselling first just to get you going. Your GP cannot break confidentiality! You can get anywhere from 6-12 sessions with your local CMHT for counselling, and if they think you still need help you could be referred back in for CBT (to work on patterns of thought and behaviour, something VERY useful when dealing with EA - working on what your triggers are that make you feel you have to fix something, or crumble at what is really constructive criticism, for example - because you've been broken down by unfair, unkind critique.)

PS - or other services - not just CBT obviously! I'm just talking from my experience of having therapy, and also working in mental health too.

Op this is insane. His drug addiction means you can't do ANYTHING and he DOSENT care.

He cares more about cannabis then you and your daughter.

Sorry for the shouty caps but I really feel for you. Your worth SOOO much more then this

Thanks again for all the input.

It is pure fear stopping me from making changes but I think in my own mind I know what I want to do.

"My o/h is so moody and passive aggressive, just mentally never physical, but it is driving insane and draining me so much.
I often wonder when im coming in the door what kind of mood he will be in, do i speak not speak etc?? So fed up of it really He smokes Cannabis which is probably the problem but god im fed up"

The above is what I wrote 5 yrs ago on another forum!, shocking!

Fear of what is stopping you, magicgirl?
What is it you are afraid of?

Im afraid that I will regret it. I keep thinking of all the good times and happy times we have had and that saddens me to what it has become.

Yes, there are no guarantees.

When was the last time you felt happy and secure in his presence?

I left my daughter's father because of the same thing, although I must admit it was the icing on the cake of crappy things he did. If you're not a part of the drug taking you will never be comfortable with it and you will always argue.

I found that it was a deal breaker for me and have since lived apart from him for a few months. In my opinion, alcohol and drugs are a way to escape, so you need to find out if he is escaping from YOU. Follow your heart, make the break if you need to, it does nobody any good.

magic what if you end up regretting staying?

I've never seen anyone on here regret leaving. The only regret I see, is that they didn't do it sooner.

And I include myself in that regret.

what sassandfaff says.

Also even if he gave up overnight right now - there is no guarantee that your relationship would be fixed....in my case he gave up drink after many painful years for me - but he was not transformed into Mr Lovely - he was now edgy, moody and unpleasant - he was probably "nicer" - when pissed.

Why don't you do a trial separation for 6 months - he has that time to sort himself out - if he is unable to do it over night - you have that time to grow your confidence of a new life with your daughter.

Your new life will be lovely - there is nothing more lonely and despairing than a marriage with an addict - he is not connected emotionally to you at any time - he is connected emotionally up or down to cannabis - you do not figure in any of this.

Please give your daughter a better life - it will make you happy.

The only thing that you can be proud of and in control of in life is knowing that you have done the best for your child. You - as you know - are not making the best choices for your daughter right now. This is eat you up.

He can wait - he can sort himself out in his own time -- your DD only has one childhood - it's innocence and opportunity to be the best experience ebbs away and is polluted each minute she experiences this dysfunction dynamic - with her Dad and experiencing her Mum being sad and distracted. She is more that half way thru - there will be so much damage already - take her away from this and repair it.

You will be so motivated and inspired and happy knowing that you are being the best Mum you can for your precious DD - that feeling will over ride a thousand times any feeling of loss for a relationship that isn't real - it is all "wishful thinking"

If it helps, I think it's normal to feel or focus on loss. When I talked to Women's Aid, I mentioned the pain I felt sometimes when I saw happy couples pushing a baby around together and looking in love, or when I sometimes felt that single parent stigma at my daughter's nursery, at collection time. Hearing people chatter about their husbands and their "normal" couple lives.

The thing is, I wasn't mourning my ex - I didn't want to be with him. He let me down very badly. I was mourning what could have been, what I had hoped for. And disappointment for my DD, as I didn't wish this situation on her. But as the WA worker pointed out, it was much better for her not to grow up witnessing his behaviour towards me.

You will have had some "good" times, of course you have! So did I. It's the only reason I didn't leave sooner, because it's part of the cycle of EA. Easier said than done, but try not to let them cloud the present and the overall reality of your situation.

Think about the last time that you really had a properly brilliant time with him, and as a family. The thing is, it shouldn't be hard. There should be happy times all the time. I feel very lucky to be in my new family set up where my partner can't wait to get home from work and play with my DD, and sets aside every weekend that we have her so we can do things together.

I should have left years earlier, just like sassandfaff.

Been there done that! It took me 10yrs and now, by god i wish i had done it yrs before.

You are probably holding on to the fairytale of what could have been or seeing the good bits as how it could be if he would just change... but he wont. Thats what i was doing - i thought the REAL him was the good bits but the REAL him was the bad bits.

You need to see that how he is now, is how it is, he is choosing to do this and whilst you cant change the situation, you can choose how you react to it.

I thought (was told) that no one would ever love me like he did, no one would want me, etc etc classic EA script, if only i had Mumsnet then!
I am now married to an amazing man with 2 kids and so happy, i cant believe i put up his shit for so long. If i could go back to my younger self i would shake myself until i realised this.

I now understand he is exactly the same and his new wife is going through all i did.

Good luck

I think you will make changes whenever the awfulness of the status quo gets worse than your fearfulness of the future.

The question is how much more of your life time and your time with your DD growing up you want to spend as you are now?
Only you can answer that.

You are definitely right, In my head the decision is there, it is now the timing.

For my age I still feel like a daft girl who can not make a decision, as someone else said, its time to get my big girl knickers on!!

Its very hard to make the decision and i wish you the best.

My life before was like black and white telly now its 3d surround sound big screen cinema quality! Its the only way i can think of describing it and i only had myself to think about as no kids then.

Do it for your daughter if you are struggling to do it for you.

Good luck

Thanks all again, just a small update.

We have had another "chat" him asking if we are ok again, I have said I cant really answer this, I don't know.

He needs to know can I live like this for our life together, I don't know, it keeps going through my mind, lack of life I feel. We do very little together as I know what the day/night becomes without hash.

Flip side, I split up a family, he could be a lot worse, my head is so messed up and somehow I am the one that feels guilty!

You've been given so much good advice here and lots of people have shared their stories in the hope it might help you.
Please re-read all of the posts from everyone.
You shouldn't be feeling guilty and this should now be a complete 'no brainer' (yes I know easier said than done)
YOU are not splitting up a family HE is!
Blimey you can't even go for a weekend away - EVER EVER EVER in your life if you stay with this arse!
I just feel very sorry for your DD if you stay. The message she gets about relationships and what women should put up with is so far out it is really scary!

Talking to him is a waste of time. He's only done that to see if you have reverted back to your usual default position of doing and saying nothing more to him.

If anyone should feel guilty here it is him; what have you got to feel guilty about?. The fact that you perhaps one day may separate from this person?.

The person who will ultimately split this family is him primarily because of his actions. He has and continues to put weed before everyone and everything else. You are mired in your own co-dependency issues, this is why you are stuck. Your own mother set you well up to accept this, on some level your needs here are still being met.

Thank you all, I really am trying, I go from being so strong and confident to completely flaking.

He himself said he will go as he cant change but he wants me to tell him to go and end it, so again the ball is in my court.

This is where I fall apart, his ability to turn this too me leaves me feeling guilty and even though the words are there it doesn't come out :(

He takes drugs and you feel guilty??

Do you realise how wrong that is. He chose this lifestyle. Why do you have to go along with it. Just tell him to leave - it shouldn't be this difficult.

magicgirl, I've not read any of your other threads about this. Dating back to 2010, right??

You need to move beyond words and 'chats' - he clearly is the better manipulator compared to you.
You need to act. Or carry on as you are.

Repeating things over and over while not changing anything will result in nothing changing.

Wishing you strength - you're going to need it, whether you make a change or not