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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:
Staceymarie1988 · 17/03/2015 11:31

Hey out asap! Your children shouldn't have to witness this behaviour and you certainly do not deserve this you only get one life and you choose how to live it do you really want to carry on with this abusive bully! Don't let him manipulate you do you have any family close by you can stay with?

Staceymarie1988 · 17/03/2015 11:31

Get out asap*

turbonerd · 17/03/2015 11:37

Please call Womens Aid or Google if you have a local domestic violence unit that can help you. You and your children can go to a refuge together so that you do not need to leave them behind.
I left my abusive ex and came back AND had one more child too. You are not alone in needing help with one more attempt of breaking free. This time you are leaving for you and the kids, as opposed to going back for the kids. (That is why I came back too. And he had been a nasty piece of shit, but Said he had changed...)

cozietoesie · 17/03/2015 11:42

People realize that women who are subject to abuse often go back to their abuser so don't worry about that or about not being believed. These people are very good at what they do - they can be charming as charming, sensitive, supportive, caring..........until they get you back under their control. Then it changes again.

I take it he hadn't changed, turbonerd ?

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:49

I have no family as he has got us to stop talking and now my family don't talk to me so all I have is him n his family I have no friends either I just really scared of what he might do

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cozietoesie · 17/03/2015 11:54

That's why you need to talk to Women's Aid or your local Domestic Violence unit - they're used to this sort of situation and can advise you on action and will also have the contacts you'll need.

These people do isolate their victims, the better to control them and have them really dependent. Don't worry about your family and friends right now - you'll get them back once he's out of the way.

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 12:08

Iv tried leaving before and it just didn't work n he convinces me that he will change but u know wen enuf is enuf it feels as if he thinks I am his property and if he can't have me then no one can and its this attitude I get scared of before wen I left the 1st time I had only 2 children it was easy to get away quickly but now I have 4 and its very hard to just get them ready to go shops or school

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currentnameinuse · 17/03/2015 12:11

Women's Aid today. And they all threaten to take children from you. Just more of the abuse. Have you ever spoken to the police, your HV or GP about the way he behaves?

Joysmum · 17/03/2015 12:32

How did you manage to leave last time?

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 13:07

Iv not spoke to anyone since I last cum bk to him iv tried talking to his family but they just shrug it off n say he mad n take no notice. Last time I escaped he was in town so I knew he wudnt b bk for couple hours. Bk then we lived at his parents. I kept my kids next to me wiv a bag hidden n coats n as soon as I knew they were all out bk I grabbed them j ran to police station because it was just over the road but jow I in my own house one of my sons stay there because they don't let him come hme and after school he keeps my other son n oldest daughter there till night time so I only have bby wiv me at all times which makes it harder for me too leave

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cozietoesie · 17/03/2015 13:10

Get in touch with Women's Aid or the local Domestic Violence Unit. They'll help you get out.

Do it this afternoon, mariam.

currentnameinuse · 17/03/2015 13:29

If he is keeping the children from you then you need the police. You don't have to live like this. Could you contact your family too?

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 14:06

They dnt wana know plus he has also threatened me to hurt them if I talk to them n he tells what they r wearing in that day what time they leave their house so for that reason I cnt talk to them. The thing with me is I'm very good at giving advice if needed but wen I can see myself going thru the sme thing I tend to ignore all my advice and act dumb as if it's not really as bad as it is but then reality sinks in he has separated me from friends and family so I have no one in the world

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pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 14:25

Mariam, please call Womens Aid. The fact he is making threatening remarks about your family is VERY concerning. It sounds like you are in or near a city or large town (as you said he went into town) - there will be a refuge place available for you and your children if you're in the part of the country I think you are (I'm guessing by your "accent" you're in an area I used to live.)

None of the police or women's aid will care that you went back. I think I read that it takes many women an average of 3 times before she finally leaves an abuser for good. They will know how he has messed with your head.

If your family don't understand this, I am sorry they are unsupportive, but other people will help you and not judge you.

Please get help as soon as you can.

currentnameinuse · 17/03/2015 14:35

You know what he and his family are doing is wrong. Have you made that call yet?

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 16:36

Yea I live in Birmingham. There are a few refuges but depending that he holds all my bank cards it's hard to get out Cuz I have no money. They are my bank cards but he refuses to give them to me.i haven't made any call yet as I trying to do a bit of research into what I should do and what steps I should take before I make any calls because I have nothing, He never allows all the kids to b hea at once Cuz deep dwn he knows that I don't wana b with him but I won't give up my kids not for anyone they r my world and he knows I will take them with me

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pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 18:17

Call women's aid and explain the situation - they will help you on what to do next. You can get your bank cards replaced once you know where to have them sent. WA will help you with this. Please call them and let them know exactly what the situation is and let them guide you. I know you feel ashamed that you went back - the shame isn't yours to bear, it's his. Because he's a horrible person. You are a good person and so you believed him when he said he would change things. That's not your fault.

Please make that call.

cozietoesie · 17/03/2015 19:05

Please call, mariam. You all need to be away from there.

heyday · 17/03/2015 21:36

He has gained total control over you and your life. This situation is NOT going to get better and will only get worse. You must get advice as soon as possible. Once you have proper advice you can start putting some plan of action into place. So many women get totally conned into believing that an abuser has changed. It's quite understandable that you wanted to believe his lies. Please get some professional advice as soon as possible.

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 21:46

Thanks for ur advice iv started to take sum action I have opened a bank account online doin can secretly put a bit of money aside each week until I am able to leave and I will be calling woman's aid tomorrow for some advice. I'm also going to contact my old solicitor as they will still hold all my records from 3 years before. I know I need to get out and I need to stay strong if not myself then for my kids it's going to b hard but I will have to. I just shit scared and iv not even started making any plans I have that nasty sickly lumpy feeling in my chest every time I think about leaving.

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MissMuesli · 17/03/2015 21:49

I understand there are lots of reasons why you don't feel as though you can leave right now, keep posting here, we will support you.

Do you have access to any money at all? Do you get time where you are alone? Call women's aid and ask for their help. You don't have to make any decisions now but they will be able to help you understand your options.

Also, don't forget to cover any activity online, delete and cover your history.

You've left once already Marium, no one judges you for going back (the very clever way in which you are abused and controlled sees to that, but you can get out again! How old are your children by the way?

MissMuesli · 17/03/2015 21:51

We've just cross posted. I'm pleased to see you are feeling stronger at the moment Flowers

Double check that no letters from your bank account will be sent to your home. I hope getting in touch with your solicitor goes well.

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 22:16

I secretly ordered myself a contract fne a couple weeks b4 which he dnt know about I having to hide it under the mattress and luckily he doesn't sleep in the same room as me he sleeps in stick n me wiv the kids. All my bank statements r online n he dnt know the passwords to them. He in bed most of the day and gets up at 1/2 in afternoon has a bath n leaves to get kids from school taking my son with him n leaves bby home with me so 3 out of my 4 kids r at his moms. At the moment I don't think he is aware of anything the phone bank accounts or anything I just worry incase he does and thanks for the support its been so long since I had some support I forgot what it was like

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Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 22:17

Attick* not stick

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Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 22:19

They are 5 4 2 and 16 months so all very young which would make it harder to escape and my 2 year old and right sides hemipllegia which is like a mild form of cerebral palsy

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