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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:
Fingeronthebutton · 19/03/2015 19:09

Dear Mariam. I'm an old lady now (69) I was brought up, if you can call it that, in a household with horrendous abuse.
It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I forgave my Mother for not leaving my Father. Then I understood 'battered woman syndrome'
But there again, she had nowhere to go. This was in the 50s. I know you are a very young woman, but a lot of women fought long and hard to get the rights that you have today, please use that right.
I was a child that had to flee their home. But believe me, it was more terrifying having to go back.
Thinking of you and your children.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/03/2015 19:14

Before you speak take a deep breath and try to get your words out clearly. You don't have to give a speech, you can say a bit and then rest, take your time and listen to what they have to say to you. Don't over think it, just let them know the facts and what you need to get you a safe place to stay with the DCs.

Remember you are in a situation which has scared and isolated you, but the people you talk to are trained and will have heard similar stories before and they will know how to help.

Tipsy is right, what a day to start your new life, the day of the Eclipse.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 20:36

Thank u all iv explained to my daughter hu is 5 that mommy and her are going to be going away to a place that we can be happy and safe and she said does that mean daddy not coming I answered yes sweetie daddy not coming because when daddy is around we cannot be happy and she said ok so this also gives me the boost of encouragement that I need I am bricking it got a bag packed and hidden ready for morning time. Tell me if this sounds stupid but Cuz I have to get the 2 little ones in a double pushchair I have tried to think of a way where I could do this and not have him hear us so I thought if I put the vacuum on while I sit them in there put them out the door, turn machine off and quietly close front door so he can't hea us leave and all that so the vacuum drains the sound out, does this sound good or not would it seem to suspicious. It's just I thought it would seem that I doing my normal daily routine by cleaning he wouldn't suspect anything. Is good or not?

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 20:49

Don't say anything more to any of the children. At all. You can tell them what you need to once you're safely away.

Will you have any cash money with you in the morning?

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 20:51

No nothing he has all the cards and keep them with him all the time

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 20:58

Pity - but not to be helped. You won't need it once you get to a safe place anyway. (And they can arrange to get you new bank cards.)

Just get out - if needs be, say you're taking the kids to a good place to see the Eclipse. (The timing is right.)

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 21:04

Yea I just hoping I get the help I need quickly because as soon as iv left I can't turn back I will have to wait at school somewhere hidden until I able to leave Cuz I have no money so can't go anywhere. I hope school will be understanding too.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 21:06

People will be fine, don't worry about that.

Vivacia · 19/03/2015 21:14

Is your husband around your daughter tonight?

MissMuesli · 19/03/2015 21:16

Don't say anything else to your little one. She might accidently say something, you can explain later!

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 21:20

No she is sleeping in my room with me and he is upstairs in the attick she won't see him at all now Cuz I hopefully going tomorrow morning but she good like that if I tell her not to say something she won't.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/03/2015 21:21

But she is a child and shouldn't be expected to deal with adult issues.

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 21:26

Just don't say anything more about changes to any of the kids. Anything at all.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 21:29

I won't I just need to get out now.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 21:30

Good. There will be time for other things once you're all safe.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 21:42

I just hope we get somewhere safe quick enough the school is only a 5/10 minute walk but for someone who is running away that's a long time to be walking in the street

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 21:45

You'll manage it - but there will also be loads of places open at that time of day. If in doubt - dive into one of them and ask them to call the police immediately. You shouldn't need to do that but it's good to have a plan to fall back on.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 21:48

Oh yea I didn't think of that that's a good idea there are some local shops right next to school I gna be paranoid all the way there n out of the school

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 21:52

Some posters have suggested that once at the school, you ask them to phone the police for you - that's a pretty good idea. (And get them to make you a hot drink while you're waiting to be picked up.)

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 21:53

Oh ok I hope so I don't want to go there expecting there help and I get told I have to leave I will b heartbroken

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 21:59

If they're at all 'off', just tell them to phone the police directly. Insist. They might have hundreds of kids running around shouting 'Eclipse' but they should be fine. Whatever happens, you should be safe.

MissMuesli · 19/03/2015 22:01

If you feel threatened at all you can call the police, you will have your mobile remember. You can call the police at any point and it is not a waste of their time or anything like that.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 22:02

Ok thanks I really don't know what I wouldve done if I didn't have u all helping me

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 22:03

Oh - and remember that a poster above said that she might be able to put you in touch with a sister in your town. It's only a 'might' but still worth checking your messages in case the person is both available and able to help.

MissMuesli · 19/03/2015 22:05

I can't imagine them asking you to leave, you are 100% doing the right thing and keeping and your children safe. If they do ask you to leave do not worry. Stay on the grounds and call the police from there.

Ah just seen your last message, we are all here silently cheering you on but it's YOU who is making this brave move. I can feel that you are worried but I can also feel that you have alot of fight in you. Remember what you said- only 23, you have the rest of your life. This period might feel abit crazy and restless but you will be ok xx