Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/03/2015 11:36

I would love to give men like this a piece of my mind.

OP why don't you just take your children now? Collect the others from school and ask to speak to the child protection officer. Ask for their help in getting you to the police station.

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 11:38

Now's your time then. Get your handbag and phone, the two youngest and head to the school to pick up the other two.

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 19/03/2015 11:40

Ok, this is going to sound weird but while he is out or asleep, check your bedroom ceiling. I've known of people with partners sleeping in the attack that have found holes in their ceiling made by their partners because their partner is spying on them.

I understand that you hide the phone but with a man as volatile as he is, it doesn't mean that in one of his ways to control he won't go looking for something else he can have a go at you for. You really need to get out of there

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 19/03/2015 11:41

Attic* bloody phone!

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 11:41

Oh - and put something like a radio or telly on so that the place doesn't sound quiet when you go.

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 11:46

Remember .....he or someone from him is gna hurt me they gna do me over....

He has threatened you directly now. Just tell the authorities that you're in fear for your life and there's no way they won't sit up straight and do something.

rachelgreene24 · 19/03/2015 11:55

You need to get out of this situation as soon as possible. Don't bear his violent behavior, contact to women help line or some other social group. You are not alone, talk to your family and friends, don't talk to him much, gather proofs against him, which shows that he is so violent so that you can get the custody of your children. Don't waste time in fear of him just take strong actions.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 12:12

Last couple of days iv been taking notes of all the things he does n says but he does it on such a way that he is too careful of how he does it.
That is a good idea wen he leaves in a while I will check.
I'm not able to leave now as he is up early today I thinking of mayb next week. He is always finding little things to shout about even if it's not worth shouting about.
I wish I could just take them when he is out only he keeps 3 of my 4 kids away from me so I can't just run he keeps them at his moms house and one permanently stays there so they are never always by me.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 12:23

Get them when they're at school.

kittenwrestler · 19/03/2015 12:27

if you call 999 and tell them your kids are being held hostage the police will come now. I am worried about you. Please don't wait until next week.

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 12:30

Mariam

Please realize that this is a very serious situation for you. I don't want to be reading the news next week and see a 'Disappearance of Midlands mother' headline across the screen.

Just get out of there.

tipsytrifle · 19/03/2015 12:55

Another weekend is approaching Mariam and I'm thinking how amazing it would be if you could be out today or tomorrow? You absolutely need hands-on help to do this but school is the best place to start maybe? Tell them what's going on, claim sanctuary sort of thing? Or, as suggested earlier, the police station.

This man is going to hurt you whether you stay or go. Not to mention the psychological damage already done.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/03/2015 13:25

Mariam reading this I'm so concerned about you and your children.

I can completely understand how powerless you feel, how overwhelmed and also how difficult it is because you and your DCs are never all together with the opportunity to just walk out. Your desperation comes through in your posts.

Make sure you keep your internet history clean, don't have saved password or log in for this site and do whatever you can to keep all the information here away from prying eyes.

Keep whatever paperwork you have and any medications on you at all times.

Other than that don't worry too much about possessions and money. Your safety and wellbeing is paramount.

Please please get through to WA and enlist the help of the authorities to get you out of this situation and to a safe place. It absolutely can be done and you will get lots of support on here from people who know far more than I do.

You have the chance to start afresh at a very young age and I wish you well Flowers

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 13:31

I but I thinking let him have one mre weekend with the kids and the kids with their dad n be gne on Monday or Tuesday

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 19/03/2015 13:34

I don't see what another weekend will do, apart from increasing the risk of something awful happening to you or your children.

I realise that this is a massive and scary step, but if you can't leave to preserve your own wellbeing, then please think of your children and leave for their sake.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/03/2015 13:34

He's not behaved in a way where you should be worrying or considering anything in his interests.

Do what you need to do for the safety and wellbeing of your children and yourself. You have been threatened with violence, please don't let that actually happen.

Vivacia · 19/03/2015 13:34

Why?

I wouldn't want his influence near my children for a minute.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 13:51

Thanks I think we cross posted on hea. I am grateful j have found this post and u speak a lot of sense I'm just grateful for all ur support

OP posts:
Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 13:54

Vivacia it's easy for someone looking ino n the outside to say such things I used to. When it's actually happening to u they do it in such a way I don't realise that it's actually happening until it's too late. I used to b a strong confident girl and then I met him thought he was th best thing that has ever happened to me he took an interest in wot I wore the way I looked n I liked it then it got too much n then too late plz don't nobody judge.

OP posts:
EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 19/03/2015 13:56

But the children aren't with his parents while they're at school... That is why we're all suggesting you take the children out and go to school for the others and explain everything to the secretary or headteacher. They will not judge you and they'll support you. Maybe even call the police to the school to collect you all.

This is my story (it might out me but I don't give a shit). I met my husband many years ago whilst working together at a holiday park. We never actually got together then but were friends. He was wonderful and everybody loved him. After the holiday season ended he moved away to start a winter season elsewhere. My ExH was/is an alcoholic. He'd steal money from my bank account, he stole money from ds's savings jar to pay for his addiction and the lies he told were unbelievable. Years ago he changed his name legally which enabled him to take out loans , phone contracts, everything possible, in both names. When he got a new phone he'd sell it in order to buy alcohol. Up until this point the abuse was psychological and emotional. I had enough and delivered an ultimatum, he either stops drinking and attends AA meetings or he leaves. He stopped drinking. I then found out I was pregnant and this seemed to give him focus. I helped him to overcome the addiction, supported him at doctors appointments etc. Then I had a late miscarriage. My body had rejected the baby and he was born with many defects, which if is his sperm hadn't been damaged by his drinking, wouldn't have happened. This then led him to start drinking again, which he'd hidden for several months. One day he came home from town absolutely slaughtered and then it all started. A slap here and there because and I quote "you're fucking stupid. You can't even carry a baby". This went on for more months (occasionally witnessed by ds) and made my emotional state even worse. Again I'd had enough but this time I wasn't going to issue an ultimatum. That very night I decided I was leaving. While he was comatosed on the kitchen floor I quickly packed clothes for ds and myself, hid our case ready for us to leave the following day (valentines day no less). The following morning he was asleep in bed, I woke him up and told him that I was going to town to get him a card and I was taking ds with me. And I left. Went to my brothers house where I knew he wouldn't dare show up. Told my other siblings what had been going on and they gave me an hour to be completely out of the way, went to my house and told ExH that he had exactly half an hour to pack his clothes and belongings and leave. Which he did. Although he went down the road and stayed in his friends caravan. That was up until everyone found out what had been going on and everybody turned against him (I live in a small village and news travels fast).

My point is, you don't need a plan. You just need to think of your children and their future and just get the hell out.

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 19/03/2015 14:01

I forgot to add that through a mutual friend our paths crossed again a few years later. He never showed any signs of being an alcoholic whilst we were dating and in a relationship. I guess that's because I didn't see him all of the time so had no clue. Then once we got married that's when it all became clear!

cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 14:03

Awful, Every. Thanks for sharing that - it can't have been easy to do.

People aren't judging you, mariam. We're deeply concerned about your safety and that of your children.

And it's not too late. You're still a strong and confident woman although that strength and confidence may be a bit hiding down inside you after all of his abuse. You just need to let it out.

Leave that house directly.

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 19/03/2015 14:13

It wasn't, I'd probably still be with him today if it hadn't been for ds and realising that this was not an environment that he should be raised in.

Mariam, I was the same. Confident, independent etc. That disappeared. BUT it came back eventually. Now I'm exactly as I was at 16. It'll happen for you too. You can get that strength and confidence back. However right now you need to gather a bit of strength for the sake of your children and get out of there. I know it's difficult and I know you're terrified but this is no way for you or your children to live. Don't allow him to have one more weekend with his kids, he doesn't deserve it

MissMuesli · 19/03/2015 14:36

Please don't worry about how he will feel not seeing his children. He is not a good man, a good man would treat you with kindness and respect and wouldn't be abusive.

I guess that is too late as he will be awake now? Can you go tomorrow? Take the baby , then pick the kids up from school. Go to a police station if you can, if not then as a PP said any office or police station etc.

You'll be ok OP, there are people who will help you once you are out Flowers

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/03/2015 14:43

Every that sounds a nightmare and I don't think words on a page can ever really express the difficulties and horrors some people have to deal with Flowers
It's slightly different for Mariam though, in that she's deeply entrenched with her P's wider family and that she has noone she knows who she can trust to be on side with her.
She's going to have to take a brave step confiding in strangers and asking for their help.

Mariam as isolated as you feel now, please remember that the organisations and authorities who can help you directly will not judge regardless. As unlikely as it seems to you they're experienced and set up to deal with your situation and they will be on your side and thinking only of you and your DCs' welfare.
I'm sure that once you make the break you'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
Please don't think that people here are judging you, it's rather that everyone wants you to be thinking of yourself and your DCs over everything else. Think of the comments as encouraging you to see things through fresh eyes rather than personal. You're obviously very involved with what you've become accustomed to, posters here are trying to help you accept that it really doesn't have to be that way.

How would it be if you do as suggested tomorrow. Collect the DCs from school, go to a police station with them and ask for help. Tell them about the physical threats towards you, the emotional and financial abuse and that you need their help in getting your baby back from your P's family because P is separating you as a means of controlling you.

Let the law fight that battle for you.
Could you do that?