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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:
FoxInTheDesert · 19/03/2015 14:43

Salam aleykum Miriam, I am so sorry you are going through this hell, and I wish I was able to help. I am in the UAE however I know a sister who is in Birmingham and got in touch with her. Maybe she knows of a way to help you, and possibly negotiate with the family if needed. I don't know if she will respond or of she is able to assist. But at least it might be helpful just for you to have someone to speak to so you know you're not on your own.

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 19/03/2015 15:11

I absolutely understand that not every situation is the same. I was lucky enough to have people there for support and poor Mariam has nobody. This is why I have suggested that she makes an excuse to leave with the child/children in her care, collect the others from school and either have the police go to the school or take them to a police station. It'd probably be safer for them to be called to the school, that way nobody would see them walking down roads, it'd be less scary and she wouldn't have to look over her shoulder.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 15:13

I will u have all given me the confidence to go thru wiv this hopefully tomorrow. I am scared shitless at the moment and have no idea what's going to happen all I know is as soon as I out that door there is no turning bk and I think the longer I leave it the mre likely I wudnt go thru wiv it so yea I think I will do it tomorrow now as early as possible i.e. 8.45/9am I don't how I gna cope tonight I have a tightness in my chest just thinking about it.

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/03/2015 15:25

Every Flowers

Mariam remember that it is going to be difficult, but the end results are going to be worth it a million times over. You're going to achieve this break for the betterment of the rest of your life and your DCs' lives too.
As soon as you've got free then you've done the worst bit and will be working on building your future, which is absolutely worth it. You won't want to turn back, you know that and that's why you've come here for support.

Get as many of your DCs as you can to safety and then get the professional help you need to reunite you all together ok.

You only have to keep calm for less than 20 hours now. Stay cool and think to yourself that you are still the strong and independent woman you used to be and that you're not taking any more of his shit starting in the morning.

CunningCat · 19/03/2015 15:34

Dear mariam you have all of us sending you support and strenghth, you are not alone and friendless. Please be very careful tonight to hide your phone and not to arouse his suspicions Flowers

petalsandstars · 19/03/2015 15:49

Please when you go speak to the domestic violence team from the police. Don't be scared to tell them everything

Vivacia · 19/03/2015 15:51

I'm really sorry I made you feel judged, but it was a genuine question not a judgement. I meant "why would it be in their best interests to spend time with a man who threatens to hurt them and their mother?".

loveareadingthanks · 19/03/2015 16:05

Mariam, this thread is putting tears in my eyes and I don't cry at stuff. 23 and you are living with 4 young children and this monster man and family of monsters. Oh my dear, you have no idea how strong you must be to have survived all this so far. That strength will come bursting out when you really need it tomorrow.

You have a plan. Don't take anything extra with you when you leave in the morning, no clothes, toys, anything. Just your secret phone and bank details hidden on you. Gather your children, call the police to come to you - or ask your children's school to call them for you. Tell the police all about the abuse and the keeping you and your children prisoner. Tell them about the threats that have been made against you if you left. You will be helped. You really will.

You are right, you have all your life ahead of you. So do your children. This is going to be scary and hard and confusing to do. Pluck up that bit of extra courage just for tomorrow morning, and things will be ok. You and your children will be helped away from this horrendous situation. You will all get the happy life you deserve, in time, and you'll be so relieved you did it.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 16:25

Vivacia its ok I know u weren't judging.
Loveareadingthanks ur words are so comforting u have no idea how grateful I am. When I posted this post at the beginning I didn't think many ppl wud reply but I am so grateful that I did because I think that if I hadn't me leaving would have just became another fantasy.
I need a few things like nappy wipes bottles n milk powder I getting little bit things ready now while he out n hiding in a little cupboard that no one uses I not even going to give kids a bath or change them I taking them straight after breakfast, making sure my phone is fully charged.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 19/03/2015 16:27

Good luck.

sakura · 19/03/2015 16:30

I'm welling up too at what I've read here about your situation, Mariam.
You have so much courage.
Wishing you strength for tomorrow. Just do it.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 16:35

Thanks I just hope tonight goes ok so tomorrow will be ok. I'm a nervous wreck.

OP posts:
MissMuesli · 19/03/2015 16:53

I hope tomorrow goes smoothly for you. You have already had the strength to leave once before, you are doing brilliantly. Make sure you tell the police everything, tell them about the financial abuse, the with holding of documents, keeping the children away from you etc. Also tell them that this is a problem from the wider family aswell.

I will be thinking of you tonight and tomorrow. If something goes wrong and you are not able to leave then please come back to us, we will support you even if you end up staying ok?

Have a Brew and keep calm tonight. You have so much to look forward to xx

Phoenixashes · 19/03/2015 16:53

I hope it goes well too.

We are all rooting for you

Flowers
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 19/03/2015 16:59

Some lovely words on this thread.

You've got a good plan Mariam don't forget your charger and any medication and don't be shy of telling absolutely everything. None of any of this is your fault and making sure you tell the full story will ensure you get all the help and support you need.

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 19/03/2015 17:11

Wishing you every bit of luck for tomorrow. Try not to think of it as a scary thing, think of it as the first day of the rest of your life. We're all here for you and to support you. Just be sure to let us know once you're all safe.

HouseAtreides · 19/03/2015 17:11

Wishing you all the positive thoughts in the world. If you start to falter think of all of us behind you. You can do it, you will be free! Just you and your little ones in a happy safe place somewhere. It will be happy even if it's one room because he won't be there.

loveareadingthanks · 19/03/2015 17:13

No one will judge you Mariam. Tell them everything.

Good luck for the morning. Please come back and let us know how it goes, when you can.

If things don't quite go according to plan, or if you don't manage to make a move tomorrow, come back. It's ok. Rome wasn't built in a day. (But DO it!).

DakotaFanny · 19/03/2015 17:26

Good luck mariam. We are all behind you. X

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 17:56

Thankyou everyone I will be sure to let everyone know how I got on.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/03/2015 18:18

If the words won't come out, you could always show them this thread.

Original poster
mariam101 · 19/03/2015 18:31

Yea that's a good idea I guess I will find out if I able to tell anyone. What if I say too much????

OP posts:
springydaffs · 19/03/2015 18:50

Girl, I am so praying for you Smile

You will be Ok, it will work out. Ppl who work in domestic abuse know that victims usually go back. You won't be judged.

You could email this thread to Women's Aid. I am on my phone at mo so can't link, could sm1 else? Add your phone number and a good time to call.

Women's Aid helpline best after 7pm-7am. Don't know if you can call then.

Go girl xxx

whitsernam · 19/03/2015 18:53

If you have trouble telling what has really been happening, you could try writing it out in advance and then you just have to hand it to the person who needs to know. You could even use some of what you've already written here.

I haven't commented before, but I am definitely behind you and cheering you on; you deserve waaay better than this!

tipsytrifle · 19/03/2015 19:05

My thoughts and prayers are with you for safety and courage. By goddess you've shown a huge amount of gutsy intent already! Will you say too much? How could you? You're a hostage breaking out with her children and asking for the help you have a right to in a largely (not totally there yet) civilised society.

What a day to escape though - solar eclipse and you're gone! Wow!