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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 17/03/2015 22:31

You're doing well. Let us know how WA goes tomorrow.

MissMuesli · 17/03/2015 23:01

Ok well I know that you are still looking at options at the moment but is there any chance you could get all 4 children at the same time? A dentist appointment for example? Is the housing tenancy in your partners name?

MissMuesli · 17/03/2015 23:02

And no problem about the support, mumnet can be a gem when you need it!

Original poster
mariam101 · 17/03/2015 23:13

It was in mine about a couple months ago but he has recently changed it into his.iv been thinking today of ways of mayb making a doctor appointment for myself Cuz I jormally leave them at my mother in laws while I go doctor n instead go straight school pik over kids up n go from there I just not sure. I hate that iv let this happen to me n my kids I'm only 23 I still have my whole life ahead of me

OP posts:
MissMuesli · 17/03/2015 23:28

Cling onto that thought, you DO have your whole life ahead of you... keep going x

tipsytrifle · 18/03/2015 13:43

This sounds utterly horrific. I'm wondering if this might be a case of phoning the police to basically come get you and the baby, and to round up the other kids from his family too. Then accompany you elsewhere.

I say this because what you describe sounds very much like you are being held prisoner. He has your kids, your bank cards and control of your every movement.

This situation is dangerous in the extreme. In my opinion you need to be out of there this minute. I hope you are safe, mariam.

Lemonylemon · 18/03/2015 13:56

Womens Aid and fast.

Original poster
mariam101 · 18/03/2015 13:58

Thanks tipsytrifle at this minute I'm realy upset iv been trying to call woman's aid all mornin and I can't get thru I cnt leave a number incase they call while he hea he kept shouting at me all mornin and calling me names again. Last time I called the police they didn't help very much they made me wait n wait n in the end I had no choice but just run Cuz everyone found out what was happening n cudnt risk him finding out so I too scared to go dwn that route again. I just wana talk to woman's aid and see what they have to offer in advice and help I just too scared at the moment

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 18/03/2015 14:03

Your terror is totally understandable. I'm scared for you too. What do you mean everyone found out what was happening? You've tried to escape before but the police didn't help? But how could anyone beyond you and the police know what was going on? How long ago was this? In any case keep trying with WA.

Original poster
mariam101 · 18/03/2015 14:07

This was about 3 years ago and I called the police secretly and had asked them for help getting me n kids out and said its not my house fne so plz dnt call bk n they did n asked for n said it was police so family got suspicious and listened on the call which I didn't know at the time and they found out so I just ran.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 18/03/2015 14:30

Oh bless you my lovely.

Nobody should have to live their life in terror. Keep posting on here for support. Wipe your browsing history or use Chrome Incognito - shift ctrl n ,so he doesn't get wind of your plans.

And please do give Womens' Aid a ring. 0121 685 8687

Remember, you left before, you can do it again.

cozietoesie · 18/03/2015 14:43

Oh mariam. Keep on trying WA - but at the end of the day, this may be a situation where you just need to get out yourself and hope to Goodness that you can work out the situation with the kids later on. Your own safety feels a little dodgy right now.

Have you easy access to your own documents etc so that (if necessary) you can just pick them up, walk out of the door and go to the nearest police station?

Original poster
mariam101 · 18/03/2015 14:58

No all I have is a change of name deed I have no passport but even that is at his dad's house n if I ask for it they will become suspicious as to y I want it.
I have just been on the phone to WA and they have given me a number to gateway where I can call and see if they have any accommodation for me but am too scared to call it.
Iv thought about going on own n getting children at a later date but iv been told it would be difficult to get children bk they said it comes under abandoned and would question as to y I would leave them with someone who is abusive.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 18/03/2015 14:58

Yes ring womens aid. They will get you in a refuge and then you will get a council house. They will talk you through making a safe exit.

I do not know how you will do it with all children but I'm certain WA can help you with that.

Good luck. Never give up hope of getting out

Quitelikely · 18/03/2015 14:59

bswaid.org/how-we-can-help/refuge/

Quitelikely · 18/03/2015 15:00

This refuge is in Birmingham. They have a refuge and safe houses across the city.

Original poster
mariam101 · 18/03/2015 15:13

I know but i can't leave them I have to take them they are all iv got and I don't wanna leave them with him eitha he is a nasty biter monster and o know the quicker we get away the better

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 18/03/2015 15:14

Call Gateway now, please, mariam.

currentnameinuse · 18/03/2015 15:19

Can you call Gateway and then call the police to assist you getting your children? Surely someone can help you with this?

Original poster
mariam101 · 18/03/2015 16:32

Well at the moment I have no money so I have opened up a 'secret' bank account online to save a little bit of money for a couple of weeks I wanna leave right now like just walk right out but if I do that what wud I do then I have no monetarist now so wouldnt be able to catch a bus or taxi and wud mean me having to walk which gives him mre chance of finding me and I dont wana risk it. So I need to plan plan n plan to such an extent that every single detail is thought of I don't wanna stay long but need to make sure I am able to do safely and properly I have thought of a few 'escape plans' but I not sure yet it depends on when I leave I just need to keep my confidence and determination.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 18/03/2015 16:50

Miriam,

Don't worry about your lack of money and your children.

Call the refuge on the link above and they will tell you how to get your children to safety. They will help you with transport. They have funds for this sort of thing.

Quitelikely · 18/03/2015 16:51

Call the Birmingham Gateway on 0121 675 4249, and they will find you a suitable safe place to stay, which may be one of the BSWA refuges. If you live in Solihull, you are also welcome to call our Solihull refuge directly on 0121 742 4515.

CunningCat · 18/03/2015 16:57

Miriam, what a desperate situation you are in Flowers. I really hope you and your kids escape this abusive shit. Stay strong and focused. You are very brave, all the best.

Original poster
mariam101 · 18/03/2015 17:31

So do I it's all I want is for me n my kids to b free from this hell we r living. I owe it to myself n my kids. Iv been living this life since I was 16 and I'm 23 now it feels asif my life has even started I'm hoping I can soon be free from this hell and start my life over.

OP posts:
Phoenixashes · 18/03/2015 18:22

Please call those numbers and talk to them about the fear of leaving and not being able to get your children. Also, please do try and call the police....they are should be taking reports of DV etc seriously, there have been lots of advertisements on the television.

Stay strong OP. Stay strong.