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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plz someone help

326 replies

mariam101 · 17/03/2015 11:26

I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 7/8 years now and have 4 kids. Before I fell pregnant with my first child I noticed he had a temper but it was always with the neighbours, never with me. After I fell pregnant with my first child he changed and was very abusive both physically and emotionally. About 3 years into the relationship things had gotten really bad I was pregnant with 3rd child and had decided to leave the relationship and take my children with me I went through all the right ways to go about these issues and got all the help I needed and didn't see or speak to him for about 7 months after that we decided to start talking for the sake of the kids and after a couple of weeks we he had convinced me had changed and he was saying how sorry he was n that he was really ashamed of himself so we dicided to give it another go. He was good for about 3 months then he went back to being his normal self really abusive not physical but emotionally verbally and financially but it had got really bad (worse than before) now I have 4 children and things have reached breaking point I have tried to leave on a number of occasions with the kids but he would threaten me about having kid took off me he has put me down in myself and about being a mom makes me think I can't do things on my own n that if I not with him I won't succeed in anything in life. I have even tried to leave on my own by leaving the kids in his care ( I know that I shouldn't but he threatens to come after me and hurt me if I take children again) so for the kids sake I was going to leave them but he wouldn't let me go he was making false promises and saying it wasn't his fault he doesn't mean it and then he put it all on me saying it was my fault. I'm very stuck as to what I should do I want to leave but I am too scared to go the right way about it incase of being rejected because I did it last time n then went bk. I just don't know what to do I now I need to get myself and the kids away but I not sure how plz has anyone got any advice for me and what I should do.

OP posts:
helpmekeepstrong · 21/03/2015 09:47

tipsytrifle In the rightness of things, women are usually placed in a refuge out of area so they can't be found and the address is not to be disclosed. The refuge should have a support worker to help place the children in a new school. Only found this thread this morning and am so pleased she's out. Her amazing courage and the power of MN! marium - if you're reading, I legged it too, back in August, it's terrifying isn't it? Well done!!!!! You have the rest of your life ahead of you - it's a rollercoaster but you'll be great! Star

cozietoesie · 21/03/2015 09:52

Hope you grabbed a nice shower/bath and some sleep last night.

I wouldn't worry too much about DD at this point. She's had one heck of an upheaval in her life and, also, crying can be a release valve for tension as much as anything else so it may not necessarily be a bad thing for her. I think she might well adjust pretty quickly - and I'm sure you'll all have appropriate support to help you deal with issues.

Well done.

Chesntoots · 21/03/2015 09:53

I've been lurking on this thread but had to post. Well done!! You are so very, very brave!!

Please take advice from the shelter - they are very experienced people. There may be times when you have a wobble, but remember that not only have you now got real life support, but also the lovely and wise ladies on here. Hopefully down the line somewhere you may be able to reconnect with your family.

Don't rush things, take them at your own pace.
You will have good days and you will have bad days. Take time to breathe. I know its not the done thing here - but sod it. Have one of these X

knotswapper · 21/03/2015 10:23

I can't even begin to tell you how amazed I am at your strength. To do what you have done at 23, with 4 young children is quite incredible. I'm so pleased you are out and can start to live your life freely and bring up the children in an happy environment.

tipsytrifle · 21/03/2015 12:47

strong - it's good to hear that, had a sudden worry is all and no personal experience of refuge help and how it works.

RattieofCatan · 21/03/2015 13:31

Fantastic op! So glad to hear that you are safe!

LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 21/03/2015 21:39

Again, another who is fortunate to have never experienced what Mariam and Strong have had to, but is our OP Ok? I know it's a critical time, but I'm still worried.

loveareadingthanks · 22/03/2015 10:28

Thank you for updating us, Mariam. All the best to you and your children, and here's to a happy future for all of you. x

DakotaFanny · 22/03/2015 10:45

How's your weekend been OP?

rubyshoes3 · 23/03/2015 10:46

Has anyone heard from Mariam? Hope she doing ok and her and the children are safe.

MarthasHarbour · 23/03/2015 11:03

I think Mariam is probably taking a step back now and not posting online.

I hope that is the case, I hope that she is in a place where she and her DC's are safe and cosy. I have thought of her a lot this weekend, I sincerely hope she will be one of the posters that comes onto a thread like this in say a year's time to say that she did it and she was fine.

Good luck mariam you have shown your daughters that they do not need to live in a situation like this and you have shown your sons that this behaviour is unacceptable.

Flowers
springydaffs · 23/03/2015 11:30

I doubt she's taken a step back on anything! Save she's full to the brim with negotiating her new life - with its potential dangers from ex - meeting new people, sorting her kids out.. Probably doesn't have a second free head space!

Yo Marian, we are thinking of you and sending you much love xxx

CitySnicker · 23/03/2015 12:08

Think she's been posting on other threads.

MarthasHarbour · 23/03/2015 13:02

Good god springydaffs was that necessary! That is exactly what I meant, in that she is taking a step back from posting on this thread, I didn't suppose she would be sipping a costa coffe with her feet up. Hmm of course I realise what new challenges she is facing.
My post was kindly meant. I am Sad you have misinterpreted my sentiment.

springydaffs · 23/03/2015 13:29

Oh dear, I think you have misunderstood my sentiment, Martha. It was meant in the same spirit as yours, as reassurance.

So Mariam is posting on other threads?? Hmm hope everything is OK

MarthasHarbour · 23/03/2015 14:51

Fair enough springydaffs it was your first line that made me think you were dismissing my post but Blush and Flowers and Cake from me Smile

I too hope mariam is ok, if anyone wants to PM me which thread she is posting on i would like to bob over and see if she is ok. You can check my posting history, i am a regular/long time MNer and so am genuine.

CitySnicker · 23/03/2015 14:58

I lied! Not her posting on other threads. Must have been someone with similar user name. Apologies. Thinking of u OP.

sadwidow28 · 23/03/2015 15:02

Cityslicker I can't see Mariam101 on other threads.

Springydaffs I also hope she is okay trying to figure out what her new life looks like and making positive steps to 'manage it'. I also truly hope that she and the DCs are actually loving their new freedom and new home.

Mariam moved so fast from her OP to getting herself and DCs into a safe space, I am in awe of her strength.

sadwidow28 · 23/03/2015 15:03

Whoops Citysnicker - you posted as I was posting to say Mariam101 is not on other threads.

That was just a cross-post not a dig at you!

ihatelego · 23/03/2015 15:44

checked back on this as I've been following and thinking of you and so happy to see you and your DC are now safe! Well done for being so brave I hope you and your DC can build from here and be a happy family xx

springydaffs · 23/03/2015 17:15

Cakes and wine and tea and flowers and blush too Martha

(Sorry not real emoticons, it would take me half an hour to do them on this silly tablet!)

Glad we're sorted and sorry my initial sentence sounded wrong xx

I think we're all a bit jittery with the wondering, hoping she's OK...

Ledkr · 23/03/2015 17:40

On my way back from brum now and heard nothing from Mariam.
I hope she's getting all the support she needs

sadwidow28 · 23/03/2015 17:43

We can always drop in for an update - and to see if she needs any extra advice/support.

MarthasHarbour · 23/03/2015 18:08

I agree springy. We are all just concerned and I always end up snapping at DH when worried.

I wonder if it is just the case that she cant use her phone/internet access. Although I would feel happier if she made contact with ledkr

Izzy24 · 23/03/2015 23:28

Wishing you well Mariam.