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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just what do you have against marriage?

232 replies

DumbledoresGirl · 28/10/2006 20:05

All you girls who are thinking of getting married after YorkieGirl's advice but just can't bring yourself to do it, or are only doing it because of the legal implications, please explain to me, what have you got against marriage? I won't agree with you, but I would love to understand more about your reasoning.

OP posts:
Pixiefish · 29/10/2006 07:39

And also the legal part of the marriage costs are as follows:

You will each be charged a fee of £30.00 when you give notice.

Plus

A marriage at the Register Office will be £40.00 payable on the day.

So £100

meowmix · 29/10/2006 07:42

I like being married because I like being a family - as a kid from a very divorcy clan I like the semblance of structure. The reality is very different from my childlike image of a marriage, my marriage isn't at all stepford and if dh ever tried to think of me as less than equal I'd squash him - and vice versa. We're equals because thats the way we made our marriage together.

Divorce is a scary thing to me. But then so is a mortgage, redundancy, bereavement. Kind of feel that if you want to spend a significant portion of your life with someone then you also have to be prepared to take the risk that you might hurt each other at some point too.

moaningpaper · 29/10/2006 07:42

Tatties: well said

Sorrell: Just telling family members to "deal with it" is not realistic - we have a lot of elderly relatives (incl. parents) who would be upset - as they have already been by other family members who have "got married in secret". So it is a difficult issue.

UCM: I don't think I will ever be ready to marry! But again, that makes it sound as though marriage is something that one should aim for as the height of committment and validation of a relationship, and that further maturation of myself and my relationship will some day make me "ready". Concepts which I disagree with.

I'd be very happy to have a civil partnership of course. But even with wills etc. it doesn't cover you for all eventualities unfortunately. So I think I am going to have to swallow my feelings about the issue and do it.

Blandmum · 29/10/2006 07:43

I had a chat with dh about this is bed last night. When I told him how people disliked the word 'wife' and that how they felt it was the word itself they wanted to avoid he said, (about me)

'As if you could ever be defined by a single word!'

and he is spot on . I love being married, but I am Martianbiship, not 'wife'.

Being married to a man who simply saw me as 'wife' would be awful, but my marriage isn';t like that.

Pixiefish · 29/10/2006 07:44

Curlew- I don't know the ins and outs of the paperwork that YG had to fill in when she lost her husband but I do know that had they not been married and even with the wills and correct paperwork in place then she would not have been entitled to some of the things that she is entitled to, one being the wodowed parent benefit which she has said starts at £400 per month. There was soemthing else but you'll have to ask her. Alos the actual paperwork that she had to fill in was made easier by the fact that they were married.

I'll email her a link to this thread and she willI'm sure list the legal/financial/benefit implications

meowmix · 29/10/2006 07:47

DH has taken to introducing me as his wife since he stopped working to look after ds. When I asked him about it (expecting opportunity to launch into feminist rant #43) he said it was because he was proud that I'd chosen to be with him, and that he was proud of who I was.

Being an evil besom I still tease him for such unsanctioned sentimentality... but secretly loved it.

Pruni · 29/10/2006 07:54

Message withdrawn

Yorkiegirl · 29/10/2006 08:00

Message withdrawn

jellybrainsalloverthewall · 29/10/2006 08:09

Despite many years of disliking marriage as an institution - and thinking it unnecessary - after having ds and leaving work to be the main carer I felt very vulnerable and for that reason I decided to ask dp to marry me _ i spent months convincing him that i wasn't taking the piss thn we had a v quiet reg office ceremony - with only parents and my younger siblings - and our ds in attendance - easy. Nothing much has changed though morning after i found out i was expecting no.2

It was easier to get married than negotiate all the paperwork to provide legal protection for my family and remain unmarried. But big white church weddings leave me cold can't imagine a bigger waste of money really. I have taken my commitment to dh very seriously since we had children a piece of paper doesn't change that but i think it would be naive of me to leave myself open to dh leaving me without some legal protection of my rights - my father was married twice and had 3 kids with each marriage - the only reason mum and he married was to protect me and my siblings and mum herself.

UCM · 29/10/2006 08:09

YG, I totally agree with you, every point you have made, and since I believe that marraige is a nice thing, well in my case anyway, I think everyone should do it apart from MP.

MP I probably worded that wrongly, but to me it sounds like you are almost phobic about it, which is why you shouldn't do it. It might worry the head off you.

moaningpaper · 29/10/2006 08:29

What I need is for my current partner to have a sex-change, and then we could have a nice civil ceremony.

Or I could have a civil partnership with Frannyandzooey

Yorkiegirl · 29/10/2006 08:36

Message withdrawn

gothicmama · 29/10/2006 08:38

a civil partnership is really no different to a registry office wedding -

Charleesunnysunsun · 29/10/2006 08:39

I am not yet married becuase i am lazy

If i were to get married i would deffo want just close family and friends and a little reception. I haven't yet been bothered to get off my arse and arrange it, it seems like hard expensive work to get dress, venue, guest list, food, drink ect which i know you dont have to have but i would like since im only hopefully going to do it once!

saintAugustine · 29/10/2006 08:42

this is why you should get married

foxtrot · 29/10/2006 08:43

{grin} .."and she'll ruin it for you" LOL

moondog · 29/10/2006 08:45

Hmm,women these days are very self indulgent,moaning about housework and cooking. I personally don't know many women who bother with either.Their energy seems to be taken up with shopping,whingeing and overeating.

Things are tough for men too you know.
It is disingenuous to suggest that marriage has no effect on them.

My dh has it far harder than me at present,in most ways but doesn't complian.

We diod the £70 wedding,don't wear rings,don't use MRs and are both fine with that.

Actually I would have married just to avoid longterm use of the word 'partner'which ranks as one of the naffest in the English language.

Pruni · 29/10/2006 08:47

Message withdrawn

WelshBoris · 29/10/2006 08:47

Until I met my boyfriend, marriage never entered my head

I was engaged for 4 years, and my fiancee kept nagging me to set a date, but I didnt see the point as I knew I wouldnt be with him forever
My DDs father, we lived together, bought a house together, and tried for DD. Even then I wouldnt have married him

Now, Id marry my boyfriend tomorrow. I know Id never want anyone else

Marriage is something to be celebrated, its a partnership and something to be proud of

Blandmum · 29/10/2006 08:56

MP, honest question, what is it about the word 'wife' that you dislike/worries you so much?

Is it that you think that you will have to be come

this?

Pruni · 29/10/2006 08:57

Message withdrawn

Blandmum · 29/10/2006 09:04

I would agree with you, Pruni, that having kids made more of a difference to my way of life than getting married.

I find it interesting that people want to avoid marriage because of 'family' baggage, but are OK with parenthood, which presumably must come with similar bagage.

Why is it that we feel more confident that we will not make the paenting mistakes of our parents while dreading making the same mariatal mistakes? Honest question this.

Pruni · 29/10/2006 09:12

Message withdrawn

Blandmum · 29/10/2006 09:18

I'm notsure. My parent stayed married, and clocked over 40 years. Their marriage wouldn't have suited me though, very traditional roles, but it did suit them. Dh's parents split when he was 13. This made him very cautious about picking the right person, I think,

Marriage isn't how it is put forward though. As we type this, dh is tidying the house!

I find it strange that women who are obviously very strong , 'together' personalities, capable, confident aticulate women think theu will be instantly turned into Stepford Wives by the use of a word.

For sure there are men who would try to do this to you......but they are arseholes and you wouldn't want to marry 'em anyway!

moondog · 29/10/2006 09:41

Priest interviewed in Telegraph last wek spoke of meeting with a couple to baptise their second child.When he tentatively asked them about marrying,they asserted that they weren't 'ready for that commitment'

And with that,am off to chapel,having tidied my house and got the Sunday roast together.

Ooooh,I was just born to wear a pinny and endure chilblains me.