Help need advice about sulky unforgiving DH

[Demonchops]

Please wise MNers- I'm at my wits end. DH has been sulking with me all week since an argument we had last Sunday. I'd been cooking for a long time- Sunday dinner nothing fancy but also doing some biscuits and flapjacks at same time for the weeks packed lunches for the 3 dc - also a pudding made as well so quite busy in the kitchen- meal time was fine until, after one of the kids said 'mummy this is a yummy' I said 'on a scale of 1 - 10 how yummy is it ? Or something- so they all rated it - DH chips in he'd give it 8/10. He didn't say it jokey or with a wink...it was serious
I tell you I wanted to poke his eyes out that second- I felt hurt truly esp since I'd made him a lovely meal! With hindsight how I reacted was not perfect but I was hurt- and realise I was pre-menstrual. I truly feel that he was tactless and unkind and should have said 10/10 just to be a nice hubby and a role
Model for the kids not the honest arsehole he was - so we had an argument about it.

Next few days he sulks and sulks ignoring me and generally withdrawing. I continue to try and talk to him as normal- I asked him to help me mid week by helping to wash up if he sees some accumulated in sink on a week night and he didn't like being asked - and I quote " it's not his mess" so we had another bicker /
Argument about that- I have continued to try and make amends and smooth things over but he doesn't want to nor cannot forgive and forget and move on - it's nearly been 7 days! I think he is being totally petty and childish and unforgiving! He texted me today to say he can carry on sulking for ages if he wants and thinks that he's only good for beig weekend dad anyway??? What shall I do? Ignore and keep on as normal? Some previous history of this sorta behaviour but we have always got through it- 3 dcs 10, 8 and 4

I thought Melon's post was unhelpful to the OP but hopefully she found it funny rather than cruel.

Good for you, Dontforget - that's the way to do it

Complete disengagement from them.

I did find melons post amusing and it made me smile however I don't feel it's like that- he's depressed and needs help that's for sure but I don't think he's ea to the degree posters think- I do think that I should not be a mug and he needs to understand the way he
Comes across -and that it's unacceptable in our relationship- I have to help him as I think he is having a breakdown -

But his breakdown, if that is what it is, would not be your problem to resolve. Do you understand? Make appointments for him at will, but that is all you can do.
I still think he is blinded by jealousy that you have other [{men }] in your life. He doesn't know what to do about it so has chosen the "bat shit crazy" card. That will get your attention. It is called manipulation. He is trying to resolve his problem with you at the same time you are trying to resolve your problem with him. Kind of ironic.

OP, he is pulling the wool over your eyes. I'm sorry but he is.

This has been going on nearly 2 weeks now. Think back to what started it all. It was that you dared to speak up about something cruel he said to you. You said you felt unappreciated. Well! He's certainly snapped you out of that, hasn't he!

Now suddenly, it's all about HIM. he's wailing about wanting to diiiiie. Can you really not see it?

Will you say something next time he's cruel to you? Probably not, because you know you'll get all this crap from him.

Just want to clarify that his problem with you-that you dare think of another male on the planet, even if it is you father and brother, is not credible. His problem with you, demon , is that he is having no luck in controlling you. That's depressing the poor lamb. You can march to his order in every respect and you'll see an instantaneous and miraculous recovery, imho. But that would be at the expense of your mental health; you would soon be the one struggling with depression.
All you dh needs to do is grow the duck up. Buy him a duckling for Easter so he can grow the duck up. (Sorry in advance for my sarcasm...the 'duck' was an autocorrect.)

Look, regardless of what he is going through, it's his responsibility to minimise the effects on you by seeking help.

His emotional blackmail is not depression or a breakdown.

I think it would become clear if he did seek help and you went along with him and told the doctor everything that he's saying.

OP, have a search for a thread called something like "Turning into an angry banshee after living with Mr Nice and passive".

He may not intend to be abusive of you, but I'm pretty sure from what you've described that he's being deliberately manipulative.

He doesnt want help because there is nothing wrong with him.

He is not having a breakdown or suffering with depression. He is reacting to the fact that the previous tactics he used on you are no longer working.

You posted on here and changed the way you reacted to it, he didnt like that so ramped it up and up. And its working isnt it? You are saying you must help him, that he must be ill.

HE ISNT ILL. HE IS A MANIPULATIVE BASTARD WHO WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO KEEP YOU DANCING TO HIS TUNE.

You however DO need help. You need help to see that yes, this is emotional abuse and that yes, it is as bad as many people have pointed out. You dont have to put up with this, I suggest you ask him to go to his dads now, as you are no longer prepared to live with him as he is.

Your husband is an emotional abuser.

On the other hand he seems to want you to take his threats seriously. So you should. Call an ambulance immediately if there are further conversations about wanting to be dead. It's the responsible thing to do.

My ex husband apparently suffered from depression for years and would make threats about harming himself. One visit from the police and he was magically cured. Funny that.

I suspect you could benefit from The Freedom Programme

Ah, I see where this is going OP. You are going to settle back into your old patterns and routines. That's ok. Sometimes it takes a little more before you finally have enough.

Hopefully mn will still be here in 2, 5, 10 years time. You need to go at your own pace. This isn't over, not by a long chalk. It will continue to bother you, in small ways, you will continue to question yourself, adapt your behaviour and your children will learn to adapt theirs. Anything to keep the peace, keep him happy.

It is sad but it is something that you have to go through, in your own time, before you come to the realisation that it's not you - it's him. You might look back on all the wasted time, you might regret your childrens' upbringing but at least you will know that you tried your best to please him. That's the most important thing, right?

OP only you know the reality of your relationship, and how and if you have both supported each other through fair weather and foul, in your time together, and whether you have both given, and taken over the years.
No one here can judge this, and , yes, your husband could be ea, but he could also be depressed. You may both find this resource helpful,www.thecalmzone.net

OP if it's genuine depression he still needs to take responsibility for his mental health. (Refusing to go to the doctor and taking medical advice would be a deal breaker for me). Secondly, there's no excuse for being unkind. "I want to die just to make you feel bad" is not the language of someone feeling suicidal.

Well, Vivacia, I'm so glad it wasn't a dealbreaker for my DH when I went through it ....
And all I could think about was running away, never to return

When I feel like this, I see the pain on my DP's face and take responsibility.

Do you tell your husband that you want to die just to teach him a lesson? Or because he loves his sibling?

For him..you are not enough
He thinks you have a finite amount of love..if you are loving your brother..you can't be loving him properly
You arnt loving him enough...if he died you would see how wonderful he was being to you. And you would feel bad for not loving him more because he deserves all your love, but I expect you have told him you do love him,
So really you know he dosnt believe you
And now you have to prove it
So first you will have to stop loving your brother

And he has actually said all of this...!!!!!!

If you follow the next steps soon you will have to give up your friends
And the rest of your family
And your children
And that still won't be enough because he still wont feel loved
Maybe by then you really won't love him

You can sacrifice everything...but you cant fix him
When he tells you who he is listen
You are enough.....just not for an emotional black hole...no-one could be

Vivacia, I'm glad you coped better than I did, I'm glad that time in my life has passed, I'm glad I learned about the fragility of mental well being, I'm glad my dh stuck by me in foul weather.

changing I think the issue isnt that this man is ill and refuses to accept it and seek help (although that is very destructive and has broken marriages), but that he isnt actually as ill as he is claiming, in fact I refuse to believe he is ill at all.

Did you ever say to your husband that you wanted to die so he would know what he had lost? I very much doubt it. Those words are not suicidal words but punishing words, manipulative words, cruel words.

His usual sulking didnt work so now he has ramped it up to another level to get the OP to fall in line, and that has worked. So next time he will probably skip the sulking and got straight to the suicide threats.

I have had severe depression, I know what its like and it doesnt have you looking out, it has you looking in. So he would be like this with everyone, his dad, his boss, his friends....not just the OP. But I would bet my house on the fact that he never tells his dad that he wants to die just so his dad knows what a wonderful son he had.

I should add that suicidal thoughts come from either wanting the pain to stop or thinking you are so worthless you would be doing your loved ones a favour by taking away the problem, ie: you (not you you, ykwim).

This man is saying he wants to die so everyone misses him and feels bad that they treated him so terribly. Like I said, thats punishment not illness.

op, you would do well to listen to bogey

people who genuinely want to die don't do it to hurt others they do it to save others

this bloke would pretend to hurt himself just to make you feel bad

that's not how depression works and that's not how mental illness works

I call bullshit

I think you have stopped listening to us though, and you are "back in the room" with your emotionally abusive partner

you are wasting your life on this man

Come back to us OP to talk about this however it may develop.

OP, has he always been this extreme?

I don't know if OP will come back to this thread. It's all getting a bit heavy for her. If any of you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship (and I'm sure some of you have) you will know the process one has to go through to realise or admit the problem to yourself. I have a feeling the OP is going to take a few more episodes of his control, manipulation and selfishness before the penny starts to drop.
At the moment, she loves him and believes it's 'help' that he needs. She thinks we don't get it because we don't know him. It's quite understandable...normal compassionate people stand by their spouses and pick them up when they're down.

Only people who have experienced emotional abuse first hand can see the pattern, skewed logic and obvious tactics of a manipulator. We learned it because we did the same as OP and fell for it too. Or saw it being done. As far as the OP's concerned she's got to do what she's got to do.

Don't be too aggressive in striking OP's dh down. At this stage the more insistent you are, the more OP's going to withdraw.
One day she'll be back here under a different name saying "right...this guy's a fucking nightmare...how do I get out?"
And mn will still be here. x