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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help need advice about sulky unforgiving DH

224 replies

Demonchops · 14/03/2015 19:35

Please wise MNers- I'm at my wits end. DH has been sulking with me all week since an argument we had last Sunday. I'd been cooking for a long time- Sunday dinner nothing fancy but also doing some biscuits and flapjacks at same time for the weeks packed lunches for the 3 dc - also a pudding made as well so quite busy in the kitchen- meal time was fine until, after one of the kids said 'mummy this is a yummy' I said 'on a scale of 1 - 10 how yummy is it ? Or something- so they all rated it - DH chips in he'd give it 8/10. He didn't say it jokey or with a wink...it was serious
I tell you I wanted to poke his eyes out that second- I felt hurt truly esp since I'd made him a lovely meal! With hindsight how I reacted was not perfect but I was hurt- and realise I was pre-menstrual. I truly feel that he was tactless and unkind and should have said 10/10 just to be a nice hubby and a role
Model for the kids not the honest arsehole he was - so we had an argument about it.

Next few days he sulks and sulks ignoring me and generally withdrawing. I continue to try and talk to him as normal- I asked him to help me mid week by helping to wash up if he sees some accumulated in sink on a week night and he didn't like being asked - and I quote " it's not his mess" so we had another bicker /
Argument about that- I have continued to try and make amends and smooth things over but he doesn't want to nor cannot forgive and forget and move on - it's nearly been 7 days! I think he is being totally petty and childish and unforgiving! He texted me today to say he can carry on sulking for ages if he wants and thinks that he's only good for beig weekend dad anyway??? What shall I do? Ignore and keep on as normal? Some previous history of this sorta behaviour but we have always got through it- 3 dcs 10, 8 and 4

OP posts:
Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 20:23

Pictish- shit it's true- I have been thinking all day that it's all my fault- it's because I am this or that -I do feel partly responsible because my small outburst was the catalyst but it's not as if I have been unfaithful or really nasty or violent!

You talk utter sense

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 20:24

using threats to withdraw from your kids to get your wife back in line is the lowest trick of all

Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 20:25

I am honestly humbled by the responses and feel very supported thanks so much

OP posts:
pictish · 16/03/2015 20:25

It really is quite abhorrent I agree.

Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 20:28

Af - it is a low trick totally - are you a man by any chance?

I wish I was more ruthless But I just can't risk being ( any more) responsible for helping my DH upping and leaving us

If he is feeling low and useless and no good it would be hurtful to him to show him actually I don't want him here
I'm confused !

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/03/2015 20:31

But I just can't risk being ( any more) responsible for helping my DH upping and leaving us

OP, with respect, you're not that powerful. These are his choices.

Besides, you're not making him leave. You're accepting his choice to spend a few weeks recuperating as his dad's. You're not preventing him from seeing the children. You can make it clear that you'd rather he come home, but otherwise respect his wishes (and stop dancing to his tune!!).

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 20:32

Nope, I am not a man.

If your H ups and leaves you that would be down to him. Treading on eggshells, getting M-U-G tattooed on your forehead and appeasing a juvenile tosser like this is no way to live your life though.

Your children will be watching all this shit with a mind like a sponge.

Fairenuff · 16/03/2015 20:34

Af - it is a low trick totally - are you a man by any chance?

AF twice in one week, who'd of thought it Grin

OP I agree that this is emotional abuse. I think you should stop trying to contact him or get through to him and let him live by his decisions. He is not even trying to meet you half way, he is just controlling you through his threats.

pictish · 16/03/2015 20:35

If your partner treats you like shit, it is their fault. It is not because of something you have done.

He chose to shut you out, then he made it quite clear he would keep it up until he was finished thank you. He was determined.
You didn't do anything to warrant any of this. It's not your fault.

pictish · 16/03/2015 20:38

"He is not even trying to meet you half way, he is just controlling you through his threats."
Absolutely.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 20:38

Faire, it must be that dick on the middle of my forehead Grin

pictish · 16/03/2015 20:58

OP I'm not surprised you're confused...you have taken him at face value, and here we all are pointing out why you shouldn't.

MaybeDoctor · 16/03/2015 21:48

Ok, so he is breaking ground on the second week of sulking. Where does that trench end?

Just so you know OP, as far as I am concerned now you get a pass on the reaction to the 8/10 cooking fracas because the sulking is a far bigger issue.

uglyswan · 16/03/2015 22:33

Blimey, OP! According to your descriptions of his behaviour you appear to me married to a 13 year old boy. You do know that's illegal, right?
But on the off-chance that is an actual grown-up man we're talking about, this is completely unacceptable behaviour and needs to be treated as such.
If he is depressed then he's got to see a doctor and discuss medication and therapy options. You can encourage him to do that and offer what support you can, but that is 100% his call. If he is struggling with your relationship, then you two need to discuss that and possibly have a think about counselling. But a marathon sulk followed by "dark thoughts" and threats of abandonment? Nope. That's just horrible and childish and controlling. By all means let him move out for a month or whatever he feels he needs to do, but tell him this: You, matey, are making a conscious decision to abandon your family; your wife and children who love and need you. I can't stop you from leaving, but I can NOT guarantee that you will be welcome here when you decide to return and participate in family life. Perhaps we ought to get a headstart on discussing maintenance and contact arrangements?

uglyswan · 16/03/2015 22:38

Oh and can we please declare a moritorium on the great dinner rating fiasco? The OP has repeatedlyadmitted to being a twerp about it and apologised to all those affected. It's ancient history and there is absolutely no need to put the boot in. The OP has asked for advice and support in coping with her needy and controlling husband, she doesn't need more internet randos weighing in on the whole 8/10 incident. This isn't AIBU.

blueberrypie0112 · 16/03/2015 22:41

Hmmm it been awhile, plus all these thoughts he is haven't, I think he seriously want out of this marriage. Have you asked him if this is what he want?

blueberrypie0112 · 16/03/2015 22:42

Haven't = having opps

Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 23:11

I'm so tired everyone - I'm going to sleep but before I go I've decided not to pander to it /him anymore.

Uglyswan - what you say is correct - I've said my bit to him and told him to seek help if he is depressed. I've told him we want him here and that he's essentially abandoning us if he goes. That's it now - what else can I do. It's up to him now. I'm not taking the blame you are all sooooooo right.

I have since had further texts this evening from him which were nasty and manipulative referencing the fact that I've been worrying about my brother with cancer and my dad who's had a stroke and not really worrying about him. Arse

OP posts:
Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 23:14

Blueberry I haven't asked that - I'm scared to as he may say yes I guess.....

OP posts:
whoopsbunny · 16/03/2015 23:25

OP you are being emotionally abused.

Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 23:26

Whoops I am slowly realising that ! How to stop it?

OP posts:
whoopsbunny · 16/03/2015 23:35

If I had the answer to that, I could make a fortune Thanks

I would suggest reading This Book by Lundy Bancroft

A couple of my friends have been emotionally abused, and they found it priceless in understanding their dh's behaviour. Neither are with their dhs anymore, so I'll leave you to make your ow conclusions.

The only thing you can do is detach from his emotional abuse (even if you don't want to split with him). Put on a coat of armour so that it can't touch you - literally stop taking all his crap and tell him to leave if he's not happy. Personally, I would open the door to him and invite him very kindly to go. Or step up to family life without being a sulky manchild.

You have been extremely gracious to some pretty outrageously unjustified flaming on this thread - and I wonder if this is how you are in real life? A peacemaker? Someone who placates, puts his bad behaviour to one side to make for a smooth family life?

whoopsbunny · 16/03/2015 23:35

*own conclusions

whoopsbunny · 16/03/2015 23:39

(Oh, and I never thought I'd live to see AnyFucker accused of being a man - she is a very wise woman).

bunchoffives · 16/03/2015 23:48

You'd never get a straight answer though OP.

I suspect that even if he does want out, he won't admit it. He sounds like one of those types that would not have the balls to end a relationship and take the responsibility for that.

If he wants it to end he will want it to be OP's decision/fault.