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Original poster

Help need advice about sulky unforgiving DH

224 replies

Demonchops · 14/03/2015 19:35

Please wise MNers- I'm at my wits end. DH has been sulking with me all week since an argument we had last Sunday. I'd been cooking for a long time- Sunday dinner nothing fancy but also doing some biscuits and flapjacks at same time for the weeks packed lunches for the 3 dc - also a pudding made as well so quite busy in the kitchen- meal time was fine until, after one of the kids said 'mummy this is a yummy' I said 'on a scale of 1 - 10 how yummy is it ? Or something- so they all rated it - DH chips in he'd give it 8/10. He didn't say it jokey or with a wink...it was serious
I tell you I wanted to poke his eyes out that second- I felt hurt truly esp since I'd made him a lovely meal! With hindsight how I reacted was not perfect but I was hurt- and realise I was pre-menstrual. I truly feel that he was tactless and unkind and should have said 10/10 just to be a nice hubby and a role
Model for the kids not the honest arsehole he was - so we had an argument about it.

Next few days he sulks and sulks ignoring me and generally withdrawing. I continue to try and talk to him as normal- I asked him to help me mid week by helping to wash up if he sees some accumulated in sink on a week night and he didn't like being asked - and I quote " it's not his mess" so we had another bicker /
Argument about that- I have continued to try and make amends and smooth things over but he doesn't want to nor cannot forgive and forget and move on - it's nearly been 7 days! I think he is being totally petty and childish and unforgiving! He texted me today to say he can carry on sulking for ages if he wants and thinks that he's only good for beig weekend dad anyway??? What shall I do? Ignore and keep on as normal? Some previous history of this sorta behaviour but we have always got through it- 3 dcs 10, 8 and 4

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 23:54

whoopsbunny has called it correctly

op, you are being controlled and abused

he may not use his fists....He doesn't have to

I can't believe he is actually jealous of the mind space you have been using with concern for your brother

your husband really is The pits. ..With the the emotional maturity of a 3yo

you will never fix that by pandering to it, ever

Shelby2010 · 17/03/2015 00:07

I'm sorry but I also think he has checked out of the relationship. The sulking for a week & more than once saying 'I'll keep sulking a long time' sounds like an attempt to get you to tell him to piss off. He'd then 'interpret' this as you ending the relationship by telling him to leave.

He wants out, but he's too cowardly to tell you so he's doing his best to manipulate you into finishing it. The reference to being a weekend Dad also confirms this. He's getting nastier because you're not following the right script.

uglyswan · 17/03/2015 00:10

"referencing the fact that I've been worrying about my brother with cancer and my dad who's had a stroke and not really worrying about him" - OK, I admit to being a bit of a fixer and an occasional flogger of dead horses, but imho you are right in the middle of LTB territory. Just for that. I mean honestly, OP, is that who you want to be with for the next twenty years? A man who begrudges any scrap of your attention that isn't lavished on him? A man who is jealous of your horribly ill brother? Someone with the empathy and patience of a very, very small child? And is that someone you want to subject your children to? If I were you, OP, I'd pack his shit, in your head if not in irl. I'd seriously detach so hard, the recoil would knock him halfway across the country.
"I'm scared to as he may say yes I guess....." That might not sound quite so scary this time tomorrow...

whoopsbunny · 17/03/2015 00:15

Possibly, Shelby, but there is another explanation. That he is trying to 'keep her in check' by hinting/threatening to leave. It is, unfortunately, part of the script of some abusive men - a way to keep their partners walking on eggshells and complying to their every whim.

Often, when the women do actually call their bluff and say "go on then, leave!" and make a move towards independence - they start backtracking and become even more emotionally blackmailing. It's quite pathetic and tragic to everyone else, but to the woman they are manipulating, it's heart-wrenching.

base9 · 17/03/2015 06:39

OP best Of luck and lots of strength today. I also think your life will improve without him. You can see a solicitor to sort through your financial situation, and use CAB and benefits calculators to see what you are entitled to. I know it must be a terrible worry.

pictish · 17/03/2015 07:59

Everything whoopsbunny said.

I feel such sympathy for you OP. Your dh does indeed read like an emotional abuser following a tawdry old emotional abuse script.

Those texts about your brother and dad...well he knows your defences are down after his big freeze, you've been falling over yourself to reassure him that he is loved...and the selfish, wily git thinks "while we're at it...she can stop directing all that concern and attention on her family, and put it where it belongs - on me!"

Gaaah

pictish · 17/03/2015 08:00

And yes...the threats to leave are a common tool of the emotional abuser. Control by threat.

Fairenuff · 17/03/2015 08:06

OP start building a support network around you. Trusted friends and family. Tell them that things are difficult at the moment, you don't have to tell them everything, but do ask for their support.

Keep busy, come here for advice/distraction, make a start getting on without him. If he keeps texting you nasty messages, tell him that you would like a 24 hour no contact break, then ignore his texts.

Finding out where you stand in the event of a separation will help to make you feel stronger and in control, even if it never comes to that. Knowledge is power. Just start checking out websites and generally don't let him be in control of this situation. You will feel less scared. We will help you. Keep posting x

iwashappy · 17/03/2015 10:48

Fairenuff that's a wonderful post. So helpful and supportive. "We will help you" made me well up and I'm not even the OP. To read that from a total stranger when you're in a horrible situation means a lot.

OP if I was a little harsh on you earlier for your initial reaction then I apologise. You sound like you have an awful lot to contend with apart from your husband's behaviour with your father and brother. Your husband should be wanting to support you not acting like a sulky child.

I agree that his death threats come over as a way to control you and he is behaving appallingly by sending you nasty texts because you have been worrying about your father and brother rather than him. It does sound abusive and I am very sorry you are in this situation.

Have you friends or other family you could talk to? It really does help to get real life support. You will get a lot of support and good advice and insight on here so keep posting. I hope you are okay. x

Original poster
Demonchops · 17/03/2015 11:09

Fairenough it does mean so much to have your support and words- thank you for taking the time out to say those things.
I am torn between wanting to help him and not pandering to him

Iwashappy - same to be said for you- thanks so so much - and ps I didn't think you were harsh before and by no means took offence-

OP posts:
Original poster
Demonchops · 17/03/2015 11:12

I talked to a good friend last night she came over as he's away at mo with work- it helped to actually talk about things - Not only DHs behaviour but also my other worries which I don't tend to talk about

The death threats are hugely concerning to me but then he doesn't seem to want any help and then Is nasty with it afterwards - hence the torn feeling

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 11:24

"The death threats are hugely concerning to me but then he doesn't seem to want any help and then Is nasty with it afterwards"

That's a clear sign that he doesn't mean them, he's just using them to keep you in line. Just ignore.

If he gets to the point of saying "I'm taking an overdose right now!" then call emergency services and let them deal with it. He will be horribly embarrassed when they bust down his dad's door and he's sitting on the sofa watching footie and eating Pringles Grin

Original poster
Demonchops · 17/03/2015 11:33

Pocket - your post made me chuckle I agree with you then that I should ignore. I'm dreading seeing him later when he's back from his business trip- should I talk to him? Make conversation??

OP posts:
Vivacia · 17/03/2015 11:55

What's the plan? He gets back from his trip and is at home until tomorrow morning?

Original poster
Demonchops · 17/03/2015 12:03

Plan is I have no plan yet-Confused just
Feel dread at seeing him and coping with 3 ds's while here is around tonight- then he's off again tommorow with work I think -

OP posts:
Original poster
Demonchops · 17/03/2015 12:03

*he is

OP posts:
uglyswan · 17/03/2015 12:36

OP, I’m really glad to hear you’ve got some rl support – do keep it up! Re making conversation tonight, unless you’re in actual danger, I really wouldn’t. I mean, your peacekeeping mission is over, right? Some posters might say ignore them, and my gut agrees with them, but a) that won’t solve anything and will just make you feel bad and b) it’s not really fair to involve you dc in this sort of Mexican standoff. I’d go for confrontation, personally. As soon as he sets foot in the house, I’d tell him he’s got, I dunno, 45 minutes to decompress and then the two of you are going to have a proper adult conversation about: his jealousy of your db, his sulking and threats, his depression, both of your expectations and anything else you want to talk about. If he’s a generally stable individual just going through a bad patch, this should be possible. If not? If he refuses to talk, stonewalls you, threatens to leave/sulk some more/hold his breath until he falls down dead? Then I’d say the other posters are very probably, sadly, right and you are married to an emotional abuser. People on here generally have excellent advice to give on coping with (getting away from) partner abuse and will be supportive. So will your friends and family. Get some legal advice. You sound as if you’ve got your head screwed on right, you’ll be ok.

Ooooooooh · 17/03/2015 13:07

I'd probably be quite reserved and emotionally removed but very polite.

If you end up talking state that if he feels bad, he needs to see his GP HOWEVER you are not his emotional punch bag. You are not prepared to play games. If he's not interested in seeing the GP in order to make things better, you don't have the time for him messing everyone around.

pictish · 17/03/2015 13:09

I'd just be polite too. You're not going to sort out your whole life tonight, you just have to get through the evening without everything falling to shit and a row. If the kids are going to be floating around and he's off again in the morning, it's not the time or the place. x

Vivacia · 17/03/2015 13:28

I agree with the others. Civil and friendly (not gushing). Like you would be with a sulking child.

Then a proper adult conversation to clear the air and explain that things can't carry on as they are. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health (by booking in with the doctor).

If he refuses to talk like an adult and to listen to you, I think you need to seriously think about what kind of life you want.

Original poster
Demonchops · 17/03/2015 16:35

Thanks oooooooh/Pictish/vivacia/ etc
Yes polite and calm when he returns home- and address like adult when I feel up to it- I sent him this today

"Are you home later? I've been thinking on this and hope you are feeling better- I want you to be better and feel better but you need to take the responsibility for your own mental health DH . I don't want you to be unhappy - nor do the boys- I would like you to get some help for your sake and for your families sake. the longer you leave it the worse it will become if you're U are not prepared to take this onboard "

All I got back was

"..I'm home later on. I will work this through myself. I always do."

Me thinks.... Yeah...to the detriment of me and Dcs

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 17/03/2015 16:51

I will work this through myself. I always do.

Does he? What does he do then? What are his strategies?

Because if he is not actually doing anything to help himself, then this statement is a lie and just another sly dig at you OP.

Vivacia · 17/03/2015 17:23

I agree with Faire.

I'd pick this up bright and breezy this evening. "I was really pleased to get that reply from you earlier - that you're going to take steps to address this. It's a real relief; I want you to be happy. So, what are the steps then..?".

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 17:28

he is the KING of passive aggression, isn't he ?

pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 17:56

Yes, agree with above - nail his foot to the floor and tell him you need to know exactly what actual, practical steps he's taking. Not "I'm going to sort my head out" or "I just need you to stop paying attention to your seriously ill brother and attend to me, me, ME!"

I would want to hear that he's booking an appt with his GP, or with a registered mental health practitioner. (I'm saying registered, remembering some fuckwit DH who's long-suffering wife laid him down this ultimatum and he said he'd seen a counsellor - turned out he'd had a 20min chat with his stepmum who was into the healing power of crystals or some bollocks.)

The point you need to get across is that his not "sorting out" his mental health is directly affecting you and the kids, and that is unacceptable.