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Original poster

Help need advice about sulky unforgiving DH

224 replies

Demonchops · 14/03/2015 19:35

Please wise MNers- I'm at my wits end. DH has been sulking with me all week since an argument we had last Sunday. I'd been cooking for a long time- Sunday dinner nothing fancy but also doing some biscuits and flapjacks at same time for the weeks packed lunches for the 3 dc - also a pudding made as well so quite busy in the kitchen- meal time was fine until, after one of the kids said 'mummy this is a yummy' I said 'on a scale of 1 - 10 how yummy is it ? Or something- so they all rated it - DH chips in he'd give it 8/10. He didn't say it jokey or with a wink...it was serious
I tell you I wanted to poke his eyes out that second- I felt hurt truly esp since I'd made him a lovely meal! With hindsight how I reacted was not perfect but I was hurt- and realise I was pre-menstrual. I truly feel that he was tactless and unkind and should have said 10/10 just to be a nice hubby and a role
Model for the kids not the honest arsehole he was - so we had an argument about it.

Next few days he sulks and sulks ignoring me and generally withdrawing. I continue to try and talk to him as normal- I asked him to help me mid week by helping to wash up if he sees some accumulated in sink on a week night and he didn't like being asked - and I quote " it's not his mess" so we had another bicker /
Argument about that- I have continued to try and make amends and smooth things over but he doesn't want to nor cannot forgive and forget and move on - it's nearly been 7 days! I think he is being totally petty and childish and unforgiving! He texted me today to say he can carry on sulking for ages if he wants and thinks that he's only good for beig weekend dad anyway??? What shall I do? Ignore and keep on as normal? Some previous history of this sorta behaviour but we have always got through it- 3 dcs 10, 8 and 4

OP posts:
Original poster
Demonchops · 14/03/2015 22:50

Thank you all for your help and words- it has helped me to get a sense on how to deal with it and him - I realise I was also In the wrong but agree on the plan to ignore him

OP posts:
MrsGuyGarvey · 14/03/2015 22:51

I dont think that his reaction has been in the least bit reasonable, however I wonder if he's flipped in a 'tip of the iceberg way'. It sound quite martyrish behaviour from you, cooking a roast and biscuits/flapjacks when lets be honest biscuits and flapjacks can be bought cheaply. Then asking for a rating but actually having a preconceived idea of the answer. It's not like he said he didn't like the food.

Is this usual behaviour from him? If not I'd be taking a look at myself, if he often reacts like this then yes he's being an arse.

kittybiscuits · 14/03/2015 22:57

I was somewhat cheekily implying that BF might be closely aligned with your husband Wink.

I don't see the OP seeking ten out of ten. I think you have been quite open OP about your own shortcomings. And I think your husband is behaving like a prick.

Original poster
Demonchops · 14/03/2015 22:59

MrsG thanks I agree it was a bit martyr ish of me in hindsight but I'd been cooking while he'd been watching footie in the other roomGrin there was no gratefulness there

OP posts:
pictish · 14/03/2015 23:06

I agree with Kitty overall. Yes you were a knob, but he's being a cunt, and it's not on. He is not excused.

Ooooooooh · 14/03/2015 23:06

Was it more that you didn't feel your efforts were being appreciated?

We often do the marks out if 10 business but it's a long standing joke and I Definitely have produced the odd 3 meal Grin. My cookings much better then DH's though. Some of his verge on inedible

Sallystyle · 14/03/2015 23:08

I've seen Bath about before so don't think he is the husband.

Getting upset over being rated an 8 is silly but you admitted you were being silly and apologised. We all have moments where we overreact and for him to hold that against you for so long is stupid.

I once overreacted over something stupid. I apologised and that what that. That is the way it should be unless you have form for it.

He sounds like a big sulky kid and ignore Bat, he/she is obviously projecting their own shit onto you.

CinderellaRockefeller · 14/03/2015 23:11

Also, did he just text you out of the blue to tell you he would keep sulking, or had you already texted him lots of times to say "why are you sulking?"

Original poster
Demonchops · 14/03/2015 23:17

I have been away today for a friends birthday and am staying overnight at my parents--as I left I said to him perhaps use the time apart to soften abit with me and stop sulking- he then sent me message later saying he wouldn't just stop sulking and could carry on for a long time if he wanted to... I replied something like! Gosh DH you are being rather over the top for something so minor.... Confused

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lemonade30 · 14/03/2015 23:22

don't message him for the remainder of your stay. Make no further reference to his sulking and on your return maintain a relaxed, nonchalant demeanour.

he'll change his tune.

Original poster
Demonchops · 14/03/2015 23:23

Thanks lemonade that comment really helped Wink great advice I will promise to do that

OP posts:
uglyswan · 14/03/2015 23:24

OP, I'm going to be suuuper generous here and suggest he may have painted himself into a corner with his stupid sulking spiel and have no idea how to get out. In which case you might want to be even more generous (really stretching it now) and go and get him. Which means you confront him NOW and ask him what the endgame is. What would he like to happen now? Does he want another apology re the stupid 8/10 spat? Fine, he can have an apology. And then you get a massive grovelling apology for the WEEK long sulk. And you tell him. We are adults. We communicate. We do not fucking sulk and stonewall each other for days at an end. Because we are partners and we work together and model proper civilised behaviour for our children. So let's do that.
Twat.

Original poster
Demonchops · 14/03/2015 23:29

Ugly good point I like your idea just not sure I want to have another confrontation just yet Grin

OP posts:
Phoenixfrights · 14/03/2015 23:36

What was that business he came out with about "only being fit to be a weekend dad"? That sounds a bit of an ... odd thing to say.

It sounds a bit like he may be considering the relationship's future. The sulking could be some sort of sabotage effort.

On the original issue, you were very unreasonable as you've acknowledged. As was his reaction. But it sounds like this is about more than this one-off incident to me.

Laquitar · 14/03/2015 23:43

You have dealt with this thread so well even with the harsh comments which shows that you are not the one in the relationship who has communication problem or who can not listen what others say.
Imagine if your dh had Bathtime's comment! He would have go and sulk for a year?!

uglyswan · 14/03/2015 23:44

Oh man, Demon, I know, it's such a bore! Tomorrow then, yes? Because imho one big blowup is always so much better than an eternity of sulks and threats. Plus this way you get to dictate the terms. Think of a couple of ways you could improve communication in general. How about the whole housework divide, is that working for you? Would he like to prepare a 10/10 meal once a week, do you think? Is there a general problem with both of you feeling underappreciated (weekend dad)? If you do a bit of prep, confrontations can be used constructively to reestablish the rules within your relationship. Sulking can't.

lordStrange · 14/03/2015 23:49

I think he knew he'd cocked up with his mere 8 out of 10 when you called him on it.

His silence is his punishment to you and his defence.

Sorry but I think your husband is a toad.

Original poster
Demonchops · 14/03/2015 23:50

Ugly and laquitar - you have made me cry with thanks for simply understanding -

I'm going to sleep now as my head is aching with all this and will plan response to him in the morning
Thanks again for all advice

OP posts:
iwashappy · 15/03/2015 00:23

The account you have given of your reaction to his 8/10 comment was, in my opinion, a total overreaction on your part. I don't personally see anything wrong with an 8/10 comment I would have taken it as a compliment and like to think I am a good cook.

But, I am thinking that your overreaction may have come from either the tone in which he said it or related to your comment on the thread that you feel underappreciated.

I think that his reaction has also been totally over the top and exceedingly childish. I couldn't possibly have put up with a week's sulking. It seems such a minor thing on paper to have had this reaction to.

From what you have said about your texts earlier on you both sound like you are being stubborn and determined to have the last word. You have a dig at him to stop sulking, he responds by saying he'll sulk as long as he likes, then you mention correctly his over the top reaction.

What I am saying is that you are both responding to each other in a way that is fuelling the argument. Neither of you are letting it go. If you make reference to him sulking that is the surest way of ensuring he will continue to sulk.

One of you needs to be the adult and actually initiate a calm, face to face conversation where you both hopefully accept that you could have behaved better and apologise. Life is too short to be wasting a week of it on something so minor.

If it is slightly more involved than that, and it does come across that way from one or two things you have said, you need to address those issues with him. Such as feeling underappreciated and what he could do to make you feel more appreciated, help more etc. Otherwise you are just going to continue to get niggles like this.

Wishing you all the best in sorting this out with him.

everender · 15/03/2015 09:43

Ah, yes, the week long silences and the sulks. Always over something trivial. Been there, done that got the t-shirt.
Sulking is cruel, controlling and manipulative. And it makes you feel like shit.

How do you deal with it? You ignore it and carry on as normal. Not always easy when you want to wring the bastard's neck. But if they don't get a reaction they'll give up (eventually).

I felt like walking out more than once but stayed. I think it depends on what the relationship is like in other areas. TBH there are worse things than sulking e.g. unfaithfullness or physical violence.

I sometimes wonder where this behaviour comes from. It must be learned, it can't just come out of nowhere.

Isetan · 15/03/2015 10:22

He's punishing you by disengaging, so don't reward him by trying. Disengage and refrain from PA digs.

There appears to be a range of behaviour on both sides that need addressing. Your PA martyrdom and his sulking are appalling behaviours to expose to your children. Use this obvious low point, as a catalyst to improving the way you relate to each over. I would seriously recommend engaging the services of a councellor, as I'm getting the impression that you both have issues that are so far entrenched that a third party probably needs to be involved.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 16/03/2015 14:15

Did you have a talk, OP?

Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 18:13

Yes but only today-- he's away with work alot this week- I basically said via text this morning that I'm tired of his sulking and stone walling as a way of communicating -that I was very sorry for being a wally and overreacting -to the silly 8./10 comment and that it came at a time when i was feeling rather unappreciated . I said that I wasn't going to participate in his pettiness-this was all via text.

I then received very worrying texts back about him having dark thoughts and wanting not to wake up when he has his (2nd ) operation at the end of March on a broken leg - which was broken 6 months ago and is not healing well- he basically is saying he wants to leave us or die instead... For most of the day I have been texting him to get him to see that we love and want him here
He thinks I would want the financial pay off his death would give me and that I would relish the opportunity so that my brother move in and play father! ( history- I have been helping DB with a mid life crisis and helping him reintegrate back into his life in the uk after being in NZ for many years) not only that our father had a stroke in December for which we are all Worried about and have been helping him also- another brother is having a bad time with cancer and is going thru hell with a impending bone marrow transplant - so my worries have been all over the place- perhaps I have missed my husbands cries for help or whatever

I don't know what to do other than reiterate to
My DH that we love him and need him here

OP posts:
Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 18:18

Is notquiteso - thanks for asking Smile means a great deal

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Original poster
Demonchops · 16/03/2015 18:18

I mean P.s not is!!!

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