Help need advice about sulky unforgiving DH

[Demonchops]

Please wise MNers- I'm at my wits end. DH has been sulking with me all week since an argument we had last Sunday. I'd been cooking for a long time- Sunday dinner nothing fancy but also doing some biscuits and flapjacks at same time for the weeks packed lunches for the 3 dc - also a pudding made as well so quite busy in the kitchen- meal time was fine until, after one of the kids said 'mummy this is a yummy' I said 'on a scale of 1 - 10 how yummy is it ? Or something- so they all rated it - DH chips in he'd give it 8/10. He didn't say it jokey or with a wink...it was serious
I tell you I wanted to poke his eyes out that second- I felt hurt truly esp since I'd made him a lovely meal! With hindsight how I reacted was not perfect but I was hurt- and realise I was pre-menstrual. I truly feel that he was tactless and unkind and should have said 10/10 just to be a nice hubby and a role
Model for the kids not the honest arsehole he was - so we had an argument about it.

Next few days he sulks and sulks ignoring me and generally withdrawing. I continue to try and talk to him as normal- I asked him to help me mid week by helping to wash up if he sees some accumulated in sink on a week night and he didn't like being asked - and I quote " it's not his mess" so we had another bicker /
Argument about that- I have continued to try and make amends and smooth things over but he doesn't want to nor cannot forgive and forget and move on - it's nearly been 7 days! I think he is being totally petty and childish and unforgiving! He texted me today to say he can carry on sulking for ages if he wants and thinks that he's only good for beig weekend dad anyway??? What shall I do? Ignore and keep on as normal? Some previous history of this sorta behaviour but we have always got through it- 3 dcs 10, 8 and 4

However in all honesty I do not think he wants to "sort himself out", he just wants to punish you.

Is he a particularly poor patient OP, hence the "poor me", or was he always this way?

Just tell him you're not prepared to be his long suffering wife, if he has a problem, he needs to egg professional help

"I always do"

He's being an arse - the 'martyr'. Oh, you care about everyone else, not me, I'm bottom of the pile, woe is me, I wish I would die. Don't worry about me, nobody else does.

It's classic.

He's exhausting.

How was your evening OP?

Morning

Evening was hard.
we had a talk- it was tough and it was upsetting for us both- he shouted and cried a lot and said some irrational things - i suggested time and again that he should seek help if he's having such a tough time emotionally but he adamant he doesn't want help ( doctors)

he has a massive issue re my youngest DB and DB being "perfect" and taking over the house (DB lodged with us for a while when DB broke leg ) and doing all the things DH doesn't do- /can't do -
that made him The most upset I've ever seen him :( he has lost all perspective - my DB has masses of flaws. I have never said otherwise- DH just sees the things my DB is and thinks I love that...i reiterated that I love my brother and that I couldn't turn away my DB away in a
Time of need and DB actually helped us out by being here when DH broke leg...

DH thinks i take him for granted and he is 2nd best and don't notice all the things he does do and wants to die when he has his op so that I will realise what I've lost -

*db lodged with us when DH broke leg! Sorry

More emotional blackmail and poor me.
He should stop that.

Have you considered looking into Transactional Analysis to see through it?

wants to die when he has his op so that I will realise what I've lost

This is a very manipulative, unkind and disingenuous thing to say. It's not the same as being depressed and having suicidal thoughts imo at all.

What did you reply?

pathetic

Jesus wept, what a fucking idiot. Pathetic. I would pack him a bag and fuck him off.

Ask him to leave. You can't help him and he has identified you as the cause of all his woe.

Any sympathy I had for this man at the beginning of this thread quickly evaporated as I read your updates. You're married to a self-pitying, passive-aggressive, manipulative manchild.

i suggested time and again that he should seek help if he's having such a tough time emotionally but he adamant he doesn't want help

No of course he doesn't. He just wants to pile it all on top of you and grind you down with it, because that should be your life... passively there thereing him and his super important fragile ego. Poor baby. Sore paw.

wants to die when he has his op so that I will realise what I've lost

Really? He said that to you? Because he's jealous of you loving your brother?
'Pathetic' doesn't even come close actually. I'd say manipulative actually...or sinister...or scheming.

He means to turn any focus away from your ill brother and fully on to him. He truly doesn't care what he has to say to achieve it. He wants you to feel guilt over having a relationship with your brother and he wants you to feel pity for the poor, lost soul that has been emotionally abandoned by his selfish wife in his favour. You'd better make it up to him OP...look at what you've done!

How will you feel spending time with your brother now?

This is emotional abuse. Insidious, covert and clever. Your husband means to control you.

I take it that this talk was not at all constructive then OP? You have no plan, no idea of where to go from here?

He is trying to put you firmly back where you belong. Your place is to do everything you can think of to make him happy and, silly you, you forgot that.

Never mind, he's put it right now and everyone is back to normal. Is that right?

I would ask him to clarify. I would, 'Ok, just so that I understand you, you are telling me that you want to die because you think I show more appreciation to my brother than I do to you?'

I would make him break it down and spell it out, exactly what his problem was. This way he would either a) see how childish and manipulative he is being or b) realise that he has a mental health condition and needs to take responsibility for it.

i suggested time and again that he should seek help if he's having such a tough time emotionally but he adamant he doesn't want help ( doctors)

Of course he doesn't want help from the doctor! He already has help to make himself feel better. You are the therapy. He hurts you to feel better. He mistreats you, he feels all big and powerful. You respond by heaping on the smothering love. Feels goooood. Hurting you is his medicine. He needs you. Desperately.

He'll do anything to keep you, his fix, shooting him up whenever he demands it. Even make you reject your family in their time of need. Shoot me up! How dare they use my stuff! Even pathetically threaten suicide. Shoot me up bitch! Can't you see I'm desperate! How fucking hard do I have to kick you before you give me my fix!

Then, you crack, you engage with the poor troubled man, aaaaaaaaah, there it is, that's the stuff bitch, nah, it's OK, I don't need a doctor, everything's fine.

Maybe if you stop shooting him up, he'll seek some proper help. Of course, like any junkie he'll fucking scream like fuck if he thinks you are cutting off his supply.

On the death wish: Have you asked him where he wants to be buried?

What a Bastard. You Dad is/was in a near death state. Your brother is in life or death circumstances. And your husband is aggressively jealous of the empathy and care you have for your family members to the point of entering into competition with them. It is controlling and emotionally abusive. It denies you your truth of your own feelings.

Imho, also, he may see your attention to your brother and father as attention to another man...And is behaving as if you have betrayed your loyalty to him. Utterly devoid of any emotional intelligence. But yet...You have groveled and stroked him and he has dismissed your attentions as so much insincere lip service ! He has arrived at a mindset to compete with the other men in your life-being ever so narrow minded to ignore the obvious fact that they are family, not lovers!!

Imho, if you are sure he would never/has never had it in him to physically hurt you, then the only way he can see to utterly devastate you (and make no doubt: this is for punishment) is to destroy the thing you hold most dear-and that is your family. Hurt the children and through them, you (although it can be debated the dissolution of your family may be a good thing in terms of the dc). He is making it clear that he can not tolerate you talking about (or thinking about) another man, even if it is your dad or brother. If you are going to stay with him, imho, you will need to have a strong boundary to never discuss your dad and brother with him or within his hearing. I believe that you will never get any support from your husband when your father eventually passes on, or any support for you (let alone your brother) as your brother endures the stresses and uncertainties of his diagnosis and treatments.

Looking into a crystal ball: I see you, demonchops, answering your husband's query as to how you dad is doing with a "He's fine" as you and all dc walk past, dressed in black, and out the door to your father's funeral.

So sorry you have to deal with this. My sister had similar.

He is dragging you down. I would give him the ultimate: Get help or leave.

The other poster is right, You can't continue to be his little therapy.

Melon you seem to be really enjoying yourself there.

I certainly enjoyed reading Melon's post

OP, how long will you put up with his shit?

Op, reading this thread with interest. Your husband sounds just the same as my dp, and I walked out on Sunday. I'm on another thread saying I felt so sad.....I am sad it came to this but me and my toddler have never been happier 4 days on!

Your 8 out of 10 argument may sound silly to other people but I know why he said it - just to hurt you. The trigger for me to l eave was something similar and he cruelly told me I'm overreacting because of pmt!

Think about what your kids learn from being around this man......that's what makes me feel strong. Initially I worried about finance as my dp is wealthy , sounds so shallow now. My ds happiness is priceless to me.

Woke up this morning to a text 'the business is in trouble , gonna have to make some redundancies '. (I'm part of the family business) so this was designed to make me tremble with worry. I replied 'post me my p45'. I'm done with his sh*t.

Btw when I left before I went back through pity......now I only pity myself and my son being lumbered with such a knobhead