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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does my boyf love me???? poss tmi!

245 replies

wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 02:31

hi
ive been with my boyf 18 months weve been thru ups and downs external issues wise but generally weve managed to keep it on the straight n narrow and I love him so much but ive been having a drink with a friend tonight and shes told me some home truths, sorry if tmi! my boyf never does anything to initiate sex ( although is up for it if I do ) and then never does any kind for my pleasure ( sexual wise...trying to be polite ) although I make massive amounts of effort for him he does nothing back and I mean nothing!!! he thinks he's king dong or something as prevoiusly ive given him compliments sexually wise but we all know ladies its not all about size!!! This sounds so trivial but is a massive deal breaker as he's so sexually selfish and makes me feel repulsive....Please help me...
thank you x

OP posts:
queenoftheknight · 17/03/2015 10:17

www.youtube.com/channel/UCSc86z_SUGGZQyE8RwoGFLw

currentnameinuse · 17/03/2015 10:20

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

Freedom Programme is online too - and they send you the books for free.

pocketsaviour · 17/03/2015 11:38

Does he have any stuff he's left at your place? If so, pack it up and leave it by the front door, txt him and say his stuff's on the front porch, come and get it, otherwise you'll chuck it on Friday (or whenever bin day is). Then repeat that you won't be seeing him again, goodbye.

Then block his number from your calls and texts (on an Android phone, just long press on his contact and you'll get an option to "block contact".)

I know you want him to turn around and say "You're right and I'm a dickhead" but that's never going to happen. He's an abuser. He probably doesn't even consciously think about what he does. He's learned that behaviour, probably from one or both of his parents. Unfortunately you learned from your mum that you don't matter and that you're responsible for other people's happiness, and so he has found (up to now!) the perfect victim in you.

It makes him happy to hurt you. Can you understand that? Not empathise with it, because you're not a horrible bully. But understand that that is his nature. He is never going to change, never going to have a big moment of realisation and say "Oh my god, I've been a massive cunt and I should apologise to Wallawalla!" He likes making you feel shit, because that makes him feel superior. He will not change.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 13:05

he has a few things at mine yes....I'm gutted that he likes hurting me and it doesnt compute in my head how someone can be so cruel I was hoping he was just a bit emotionally retarded!

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 17/03/2015 16:08

He probably is a bit emotionally retarded, but he is also selfish. Of course you want to understand him so that you can understand better, and see that it isn't you that's at fault, that is quite natural. But the longer it goes on for, the more confused you will feel. Been there, eventually you end up doubting yourself on everything, it simply is a one way ticket to having your self-esteem in shreds.

Quite possibly the two of you are just not suited, maybe that is why, or perhaps its dynamics, he can do what he does because you let him or maybe it is just him, but from what you have told us, it really isn't you. If anything is your fault, it is letting this man treat you like this and believing you don't deserve better. You do deserve better, so go find it.

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 17/03/2015 17:52

OP, lots of the details here sound terribly familiar. Have you had another thread about this guy recently under another name? I see you have NC so of course I won't out you but I did follow your other thread and it's definitely a pattern here as things have developed in the last few weeks since your other.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 18:55

I did have another name yeah and was embarrassed I caved n let him back into my life...stupid I know! ive got big family problems tonight n spoke to him in the desperate hope he would care as it wasnt him I was "moaning" about as such....but he didnt shocker! infact he was really cruel
that at least has given me the push I need to end this tonight forever no going back
I hope no one is annoyed with me I don't know what id do without being able to talk on here
my mum turned up unexpectedly tonight and attacked me so I havent got the energy to actually talk to him I will just send a msg saying its over forever do not contact me again!
Thank you all for your kindness it is much appreciated x

OP posts:
BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 17/03/2015 19:15

OP, yes I was sure I recognised you. I didn't post on your other thread as everyone was giving the same advice but I did follow it. Funnily enough I went back to it yesterday to see if there was any update. Totally understand why you didn't come back on that one, and I don't think anyone will be annoyed with you. Many of us have let things drag on much longer than we should have....
Let us know how you get on tonight. Things will get better once you're shut of him.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 17/03/2015 19:19

Don't worry about not leaving before, a lot of us take a few tries before we succeed (I like to think of it as getting a run up). Never feel you can't post when you need help :)

Sending that message and then not responding anymore would be amazing. I'm so impressed!

I'm sorry you're going through so much and your dm has made things harder too. You're incredibly strong. You deserve better Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 17/03/2015 19:24

Walla, even the most ardent LTB shouter understands that there is always more to any situation than anyone can post here. Life and emotions are complicated and sometimes it is so scary to be alone that frankly it feels like anyone is better than no one. Not true,of course and it takes as long as it takes to get to that point.

I think you've got to that point now. Send that text and mean it. Block his number. Leave his stuff for him to collect from your doorstep when you will be out. Go totally no contact.

He will follow a script if you allow him to. I love you, you're a bitch, no one else will want you, yada yada. Do not allow it because next thing you know you'll be cooking him steak and performing other favours before coming here again in despair.

Go on, you cannot carry on. Sorry about your mums she sounds like she needs not her thread of her own. Send the text,put the dc to bed and relax in the bath knowing you are the boss of your life, not this warty toad who will never be a prince. Flowers

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 19:28

I think I recognise you too, walla

no matter

you do what you gotta do...make this one the last time Thanks

Lacoba66 · 17/03/2015 19:39

Can I just say AF, I have noticed you giving lots of Flowers out recently and I'm a little Shock Wink. Should I be concerned?

Walla, most of us have been there with giving someone the 'benefit of doubt' beyond what is actually good for us.

I've always thought that, that's because of a lack in self-esteem. He doesn't make you feel good & ultimately only you can control that. Good luck!

AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 20:55

have some Thanks lacoba Smile

Lacoba66 · 17/03/2015 21:46

Thank you AF- my vase has been a little empty Grin cheers my dear!

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 22:01

hi ladies sorry I havent been back ive had a friend round tonight for a chat and a glass of wine lol...I feel stronger tonight I havent sent the msg yet but I know its what I need to do....yes I am scared of feeling lonely but I feel lonely now and we are still together
ive never in my life ( and I mean my whole life ) stood up for myself....me and my sister were taught as children we were worth nothing to my mum/mistakes etc not as in she fell pregnant by accident more she did it coz everyone else was but nah its not for her and she wishes she hadnt I've been through so much with her and tonight was the last straw....I need to stand up to someone as my life cannot be a doormat anymore surely im worth more or will be one day to someone than that?? its easier to stand up to him than her I guess as less water under the bridge and I desperately need the confidence boost of I can do it and stick up for myself...ill let the police deal with her...
sorry for ranting just a bit of background of why I have let this continue as this kinda behaviour although I know deep down is wrong is actually what Ive learnt is normal in the past

OP posts:
Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 22:24

im panicking now trying to hit the send button....I dont know why someone talk to me pls....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/03/2015 22:26

Nope. If you do this, it has to be your choice not jollied into it by a bunch of MN vipers Smile

DrMorbius · 17/03/2015 22:29

Of course you are scared of such a big decision (it's only real when you hit send), but it's the only decision that will start to bring normality into your life. good luck.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 22:32

I know I need to do it its just so scary and that seems so absurd considering how he treats me

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 17/03/2015 22:46

Feel the fear and do it anyway! Honestly you will be so cross at yourself in the future. X

ZorbaTheHoarder · 17/03/2015 22:50

Hi Walla, it occurs to me that this is about self-respect. You will feel much happier with yourself if you take a stand, both for yourself and for your children, and get this guy out of your life. You deserve better!

I know it must be scary, especially if you have never really stood up for yourself, but see this as the start of a new, more positive life, in which you are not allowing someone else to treat you like dirt.

Take this massive leap towards a happier life. You really won't regret it.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 23:09

I phoned a helpline tonight....I had no one to speak to in RL ( although talking on here is invaluable and I so appreciate it ) it guts me that I'm in a relationship that I have to call a helpline about and I havent ended it sooner
I'm so worn down emotionally by this and all the other crap atm with my mum etc n being attacked by her tonight that I'm scared what if it makes me feel worse after ive sent it ( I know it prob wont ) but I feel like theres so little strength left atm I cant deal with anymore hurt....
does this make sense to anyone or am I just being cowardly???

OP posts:
Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 23:13

@zorba I'm reading and re reading the middle paragraph of ur post ... I need to screenshot that or something and keep reading that believing i can do this ... thank u for giving me a bit of strength
people underestimate how much a little bit of faith in u even from a stranger can boost ur self worth...

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 17/03/2015 23:27

Hey Walla, you know what you need to do. You obviously love your kids, try to learn to love yourself a bit too. They think you're worth it, so why not trust their judgement. You can be strong for them and for you. Good luck.

Eekaman · 18/03/2015 00:30

Normally, being male, I try to offer the male point of view.

Not in this case I won't.

Your thread title is - 'does my bf love me?' Sorry, but it doesn't appear so. It ''could'' just be his social conditioning, expecting his woman to cook, suck and not complain, to just be grateful you experienced his presence.

Even so, it's not going anywhere, it's doing nothing for you, so find someone who wants their cock sucking but also has brains, personality, is caring, reciprocates, is kind to you and your kids and wants a relationship, rather than to just use you. Flick him. Good luck.

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