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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does my boyf love me???? poss tmi!

245 replies

wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 02:31

hi
ive been with my boyf 18 months weve been thru ups and downs external issues wise but generally weve managed to keep it on the straight n narrow and I love him so much but ive been having a drink with a friend tonight and shes told me some home truths, sorry if tmi! my boyf never does anything to initiate sex ( although is up for it if I do ) and then never does any kind for my pleasure ( sexual wise...trying to be polite ) although I make massive amounts of effort for him he does nothing back and I mean nothing!!! he thinks he's king dong or something as prevoiusly ive given him compliments sexually wise but we all know ladies its not all about size!!! This sounds so trivial but is a massive deal breaker as he's so sexually selfish and makes me feel repulsive....Please help me...
thank you x

OP posts:
Georgina1975 · 16/03/2015 22:11

It makes a lot of sense though.

A (good) relationship generally requires effort. He doesn't want to make any effort at all. And he doesn't have to with you does he? Gets his basic needs and more met (you providing sex, food, whatever) with minimal (or no) effort.

I wouldn't get too hung up on "love" either. This man does not want to and/or cannot give you what you want, need and deserve. That is all you really need to know.

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 22:14

Maybe he knows no different. Did his father treat his mother like this? If so it is so ingrained - he ain't going to change. This is his normal.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 16/03/2015 22:27

ive met his dad and stepmum a few times and his dads lovely and a right laugh...he always told me hes so like his dad and at first I would have agreed...his stepmum said to me they are alike and both not very romantic but he will be my best mate/soulmate like his dad is to her
I dont see anything in his behaviour nowadays that resembles a mate....it hasnt always been this way though thats what gets me really

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 16/03/2015 22:29

Maybe he's not capable of true love. Maybe he feels safe when he is in control and that feels like "love" to him. Maybe he "loves it" when you do x for him or when you react in a certain way. Maybe he "loves" the dynamic of your relationship. Maybe feeling "loved" for him is about getting your food cooked and dick sucked. Maybe he has no idea at all about love, doesn't think it exists but knows you say it to people to use and abuse them. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

It's not your job to understand him, it's not your job to mend him. Right now your job is to protect yourself and your DC from a nasty person. Carry on ignoring. Do not engage. Better still tell him it's over then block and delete.

If he turns up on your doorstep with a bunch of flowers and an apology, how will you react? You need to be strong.

YouAreMyRain · 16/03/2015 22:31

If it had always been this way, he couldn't have enticed you into having a relationship with him. They turn on the charm at the start, it's part of the game, it gets you hooked.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 16/03/2015 22:38

he wants me to speak to him as I'm ignoring him I was thinking of sending a msg saying I have been doing a course on recognising the signs of abuse at work ( this wouldnt be unlikely in my job ) and alot of it is scarily familiar n I dont want to talk n then leave it at that....

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 16/03/2015 22:49

The family his dad and step-mum display for you, now, doesnt necessarily have much to do with how he was treated by them, or is treated in your absence now. He also has a mum, and step-dad(?) somewhere that may be the bigger isse. BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS TO YOU.

You matter to you now. Your DCs matter. He and his problems do not matter.

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 22:49

No I wouldn't do that. The only thing I would say is to leave you alone. There is nothing else to say. Do not engage.

Momagain1 · 16/03/2015 22:54

You don't owe him any sort of explanation. Anything you say to him, can and will be used against you to get you to remain where he can get what he wants, while giving you nothing.

He is just an ex-boyfriend. Not the father of your DC (unless I missed that). He isnt on your lease. He doesnt live with you unofficially. He is just someone that you dated, and it didnt work out, and now you don't. Leave it at how it is. This isnt working, you don't see a future, you are done.

YouAreMyRain · 16/03/2015 23:07

He will never accept the label of "abuser" there is no point trying to tell him that he is one. He will turn it on you, you will be "paranoid" or "mental" or a "psycho bitch" believing any shit that you read etcetera. If you must call him on it, say you don't like his behaviour and don't want to be with him and leave it at that.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 16/03/2015 23:08

Currentname is right. You don't need to explain to him.

YouAreMyRain · 16/03/2015 23:14

The thing is abusers don't think "who can I abuse next?" or "I am going to abuse her now" they are selfish and self centred. To them you don't have feelings, or if you do they are not as important as their feelings. They think, "I am going round to see x and I deserve my food to be cooked and my cock to be sucked because I am great and she is lucky to be with me. I am such lovely company that cooking me dinner is a great deal for her. Why is she moaning that I want to get pissed with my mates? She's a miserable cow. Of course I'd rather be with them and I told her so that she'd stop nagging me. She's lucky I'm going round there. She's lucky I'm with her" they can justify their every action x10000.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 16/03/2015 23:19

youaremyrain....I think all that is EXACTLY what he thinks!

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 16/03/2015 23:20

I don't think labelling someone an "Abuser" is likely to make them listen to you.

Far better to tell him what you have told us, that way he has a factual list of things that have hurt you, that are evidence of his disrespect and evidence that he doesn't love or care for you, fancy you or make you feel happy.

Give him a list, say you want out of it, no talk, then ignore.

You don't owe him an explanation, but we all know what its like to be left confused without one, so do the right thing and then walk away. That way you get the last word and exit with your pride and integrity intact.

MiniTheMinx · 16/03/2015 23:23

Oh and going round in circles trying to understand the mind of the abusive twat is pointless unless you are therapist!

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 16/03/2015 23:34

I def dont want to be his therapist! I guess I just wanted answers so I could walk away knowing it wasnt me thats mad/made him act like he does as that's what he drums into me all the time

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 16/03/2015 23:38

It is not you. It so completely is not you.

YouAreMyRain · 16/03/2015 23:40

It's not you, walla. He will never accept that because in his mind he KNOWS that he only behaves like he does because you're a cow and no one else would put up with you. He is WRONG!! It is NOT you.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 16/03/2015 23:42

thank you ... its so hard to see that though when for months/yrs you have been told that every cruel comment or night of ignoring me or making me feel worthless is because something ive done has caused that...
it should be so easy to say of course thats not true hes just passing the blame for his crap behaviour but the more and more it happens you slowly start believing it...maybe thats just me or maybe hes just really good at it I dont know I'm sure others on here have experience of this....

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 16/03/2015 23:54

You are in the FOG = Fear Obligation and Guilt

It stops you seeing clearly. It's meant to, that's what keeps you in an abusive relationship.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 00:21

im going to look up this fear,obligation,guilt...ive not heard of it before....

OP posts:
Original poster
wallawalla74 · 17/03/2015 00:41

I need something to click on my head to say u don't matter about him and keep thinking that everytime I think of him....its hard when people do matter to me though even him bizzarely...I shall have a think how to get this mantra into my head of whatever he says/does he doesn't matter and isn't worth even thinking about....

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 17/03/2015 06:58

You definitely do because you will not get answers from him. He is not going to suddenly agree that he has been behaving abusively and be able to explain truthfully why he does it. You will get no answers there

At best he will pretend to be sorry just to get you back in your box... And then the behaviour will start again, leaving you with the feeling that it must be you because he tried, didn't he?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/03/2015 09:38

It's been said previously but please contact Womens Aid.
You need to enrol on their FREEDOM PROGRAMME and complete it asap!

Please don't engage with him. It will be an excuse for him to get his 'in'!
Don't give him an 'in'.

Just: It's over, don't contact me again.
Then delete and block.

It sounds to me like you have been abused to some extent all your life.
Your mother the first culprit!

It's time to stop this cycle. What you are teaching your children about relationships is way way off. They need healthy examples, not this abusive twat showing them what's what!

Take time for you. Discover who YOU are. On your own. Without anyone except your gorgeous kids.

But.... FREEDOM PROGRAMME - FAST!!!!!

queenoftheknight · 17/03/2015 10:13

The freedom programme is excellent. The book they give you is called "living with the dominator", and it tells you everything you need to know about the way these men think, and the effect it has on the people around them, and the devastating effects it can have on children.

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/index.html

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