does my boyf love me???? poss tmi!

[wallawalla74]

hi
ive been with my boyf 18 months weve been thru ups and downs external issues wise but generally weve managed to keep it on the straight n narrow and I love him so much but ive been having a drink with a friend tonight and shes told me some home truths, sorry if tmi! my boyf never does anything to initiate sex ( although is up for it if I do ) and then never does any kind for my pleasure ( sexual wise...trying to be polite ) although I make massive amounts of effort for him he does nothing back and I mean nothing!!! he thinks he's king dong or something as prevoiusly ive given him compliments sexually wise but we all know ladies its not all about size!!! This sounds so trivial but is a massive deal breaker as he's so sexually selfish and makes me feel repulsive....Please help me...
thank you x

walla it's time to start loving and cherishing yourself by kicking this loser into touch

no decent man will come near while you are still in a relationship with him

He has rang and text lots but I haven't spoken to him no

I just want him to be kind back I dont think I'm asking for alot given how I treat him he makes me feel like I'm asking too much tho

You are asking too much of this particular man - because he's an abusive twat.

You are certainly not asking too much of any decent man who deserves to be in a relationship with you.

I am not surprised to hear that your mum is neglectful and abusive too. We often re-enact our childhoods with our choice of partner, because although it feels horrible, it's also familiar.

PLease take a look at the Womens Aid freedom program, which may throw some highlights on why you've got into this awful relationship and why you've felt so unable to end it despite getting nothing out of it. If you don't live near a city I think you can do the program online.

Are you close to your sister? Or did you mum play divide and conquer with the two of you?

Yes, you are asking too much

of him

of a decent man, no

Find one who would see it as a pleasure to be kind to you

He is never going to change. He won't magically transform into the man you want him to be just because you are nice to him. You can't kind him into submission. Is this what you are waiting for - hoping he will change so you don't need to dump him? What a waste of your time.

I guess I am hoping that the nice side of him stays and the nasty side dissappears....pathetic I know!

why would that happen ?

you have shown him over and over he can treat you like shit and you will come back for more

Its not pathetic, I'm sorry to say its Impossible. Feel so sad for you walla

It just wont happen, you do know this!

It ain't ever going to happen. He has shown you who he is. How long until you believe him? Have you heard of the cycle of abuse?

cycle of abuse

remember that even if he doesn't hit you, emotional abuse if just as damaging

The nasty side is there because it's part of who he is.

His "niceness" isn't even genuine, since he is able to treat you so badly so much of the time and not give a toss. Genuinely nice people aren't nasty, and if they mess up, they can recognise it and make amends.

ive just read that cycle of abuse link...sounds familiar was going to say he never does the honeymoon/reconciliation bit as never apologises etc but just seen that also this bit can be classed as minimizing or saying it wasnt that bad...he does that all the time! or blames me for the way he acted
I'm not daft I know its not me as I dont "make" anyone else behave like this but he gets so stressed with me all the time if he hates me that much or I annoy him so much why does he stay with me? is there no love there at all on his part???

If there is no respect, there is no love.

He stays with you because he gets food and sex and a doormat to make him feel big. His contempt for you is what keeps him with you: he likes treating you this way.

thats awful ( probably true tho ) that he stays with me because he likes being abusive

Ok walla I have just been reading through and randomly copying and pasting stuff you have posted throughout this thread as below;

he was really arsey on the phone earlier
never does anything to initiate sex
he's so sexually selfish and makes me feel repulsive
hate how selfish he is
I dont know why he cant see how out of order he sounds!
I put in far more effort than he does thats never changed
I'm not allowed to have feelings at all else he just gets annoyed and won't speak to me
he doesnt do anything to make me feel loved or cherished

...and within this thread you make this statement "I love him so much" Please ask yourself why this is? whjy do you love him?

Then you ask this is there no love there at all on his part???

I sincerely hope you can answer that question for yourself lovely.

by the way, I could have copied and pasted loads more into my above post to you, just re-read it all

so were saying he doesnt love me at all/never did?? sorry if I'm being thick I know he acts like he doesnt but why be with someone then???
why doesnt he go and be with someone he does love/fancy doesnt annoy him and is attracted to rather than wasting his time with me
it doesnt make sense to me

because he gets something out of shooting at your feet and making you dance

some inadequate people can't function in healthy relationships...he is one of them

he would rather make you both unhappy

misery loves company, eh ?

You don't describe him as acting like someone who is in love with and cherishing his woman walla, no.

I am seperated from my H, yet even he could pull out all the stops sometimes and act like he loved me, even if it wasn't consistent! this is what kept me there. I have no idea what is keeping you in this relationship at all.

As goats pointed out earlier he is able to treat you so badly so much of the time and not give a toss

Really do feel for you and sincerely hope you see this, I am away to bed soon but hope you can read a bit more and reflect, I hope that you posting here is going to be your salvation. What was needed to be said to you has already been said.

You NEED to re-read your thread in its entirety. Wish you well lovely.

He is a bully, he likes the power, he is damaged, because he wants to................There are loads of reasons why. Doesn't really matter why though does it?

can I just ask....do people think he knows what hes doing like a planned destruction of someone's self esteem or just has got no consideration or empathy for anyone but himself..both are bad I know I'm just interested how different he is from who I fell in love with....

so were saying he doesnt love me at all/never did?? sorry if I'm being thick I know he acts like he doesnt but why be with someone then???
why doesnt he go and be with someone he does love/fancy doesnt annoy him and is attracted to rather than wasting his time with me
it doesnt make sense to me

See up there where pocketsaviour points out how we often recreate our childhoods with our partner choice? He probably is too. And you can't help him or save him. He has to do that himself. Just like you are doing for yourself now. Don't look back.

why doesnt he go and be with someone he does love/fancy doesnt annoy him and is attracted to rather than wasting his time with me
it doesnt make sense to me

That is because you see relationships in terms of caring and giving.
He sees relationships in terms of power and control, and what he can get out of it.
You give, he takes. It makes total sense for him to be with you, in that light.