Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does my boyf love me???? poss tmi!

245 replies

wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 02:31

hi
ive been with my boyf 18 months weve been thru ups and downs external issues wise but generally weve managed to keep it on the straight n narrow and I love him so much but ive been having a drink with a friend tonight and shes told me some home truths, sorry if tmi! my boyf never does anything to initiate sex ( although is up for it if I do ) and then never does any kind for my pleasure ( sexual wise...trying to be polite ) although I make massive amounts of effort for him he does nothing back and I mean nothing!!! he thinks he's king dong or something as prevoiusly ive given him compliments sexually wise but we all know ladies its not all about size!!! This sounds so trivial but is a massive deal breaker as he's so sexually selfish and makes me feel repulsive....Please help me...
thank you x

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 14/03/2015 18:38

Why do do you him walla?

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/03/2015 18:38

Angry - big thumbs tonight!!!

Why do you love him?

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 18:39

when hes nice we get on so well shame is hes very jekyll and hyde I never know from one phonecall to the bext what mood hes going to be in and seemingly caused by nothing

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/03/2015 18:39

'I didn't realise I was deluded just do love him and wish he would show love back rather than just saying love you'

He won't. Do the Freedom Programme.

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/03/2015 18:43

You might get on well - when he feels like it - but does he show you he loves you? Saying it means nothing.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 14/03/2015 18:43

"wish he would show love back rather than just saying love you"

Wallawalla my sweet, with the best will in the world, that is not going to happen, because he doesn't love you. And please please please understand, that's his problem, and nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter what you do that nice for him - he won't appreciate it or appreciate you because of it, he'll just take it and keep on talking it with out giving anything back. You've seen this already. Get rid and make some space for a good guy who does love you x

AnyFucker · 14/03/2015 18:44

Talk is cheap. Judge him by his actions.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 18:47

@onilkley Thank you I feel so pathetic feel like I've invested so much in this relationship that its hard to let go even though obviously I should
hes very mean he knows how he makes me feel but does nothing to change it
I'm scared if I end it he won't care and all of this will have been for nothing

OP posts:
kormachameleon · 14/03/2015 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 18:49

very true any fucker and his actions are consistently selfish/uncaring
he says he wouldn't be with me if he didn't love me but obviously that's not necessarily true!

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/03/2015 18:50

He's deliberately rubbed your nose in it by telling you he would have dumped you for his mates if he had the cash. That is so fucking rude and demeaning. Please for the good of your self-esteem (and your children's, if they are old enough to witness this behaviour) tell him he's not welcome at yours tonight. So what if you've spent ages making his dinner? He'll make you feel like shit about it anyway. Keep him away and enjoy it yourself.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2015 18:51

if he "doesn't care" if you end it, then you will have your answer won't you ?

don't cling on because you are scared to be confronted with how little he thinks of you

the rest of us on the outside can see that already...and deep down you know it too

tribpot · 14/03/2015 18:53

he says he wouldn't be with me if he didn't love me

With the way you're putting out in the bedroom and kitchen departments, he'd have to be mad to ditch you. Love has nothing to do with it. You, on the other hand, would be mad not to ditch him.

Are you afraid of being alone? It's the only thing I can think of which would explain why you didn't tell him to sod off months ago.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 18:53

He won't see it as he's been rude he will see it as I should feel grateful he's turned up and not moan as just him making the effort to drive over shows he loves me apparently as he wouldn't bother if he didnt love me
I wish he could see how ridiculous and childish he sounds

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/03/2015 18:57

him making the effort to drive over shows he loves me apparently as he wouldn't bother if he didnt love me

And the one-sided sex, hot meal and opportunity to put someone down to make himself feel big? They wouldn't be motivators at all. Nor the fact that he told you he'd have ditched you if he had the cash. That doesn't really fit his story, does it?

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 19:00

Looking at this can you answer yes to any of these:

Do they not notice or care how you feel
Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness
Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
Are they are always right?
Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”

If yes then run.

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 19:01

And I can answer yes to two of those at least on your behalf just from your posts.

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 19:01

No it doesn't at all youre right . I've told him many times he doesn't make me feel loved his response is always stop moaning

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 14/03/2015 19:02

He won't see it as he's been rude...
I wish he could see how ridiculous...
his actions are consistently selfish/uncaring
...do love him and wish he would show love back...

You wish he would change into a different person.

Dump him. Cut your losses. Don't throw good love after bad. Find the different person instead.

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/03/2015 19:04

End it, pick your self esteem up off the floor, spend the night cuddling your DCs on the sofa and breathe a sigh of relief.

Have you ever cried quietly after sex? Have you ever felt truly satisfied? Have you ever had your tummy flip at the thought of him coming round? Does he wash up the dishes? Does he bring dessert round, a bottle of wine, a film to watch together?

Nobody deserves to be treated like this and if your NN means you are the same age as me....you are wasting so much time with this loser!

Original poster
wallawalla74 · 14/03/2015 19:05

I can answer yes definitely to 5 of those...I'm not allowed to have feelings at all else he just gets annoyed and won't speak to me till I'm out of my mood/cheered up plus nothing I'm ever going thru is ever as bad as his life
he has no ìdea what I'm trying to deal with atm I haven't told him and won't as whats the point when he doesn't care

OP posts:
binspin · 14/03/2015 19:07

Life is short and he's an arse.
He's not treating you in the way and deserve to be treated and you're allowing it.
Can you see yourself with him as he is in a year, 5 years, 10 years?
You can't change him.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 14/03/2015 19:08

Are you still letting him come round tonight?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/03/2015 19:10

This is so sad to read :(

He has lots of motivation to stay with you, you make him feel special. He doesn't return the favour.

So forgetting everything he has ever said (because talk is cheap) and looking only at his actions, would you say that he behaves as though he cares?

Please tell him it's over, don't show your DCs that this is how a relationship should be :(

MrsEvadneCake · 14/03/2015 19:11

That's the emotional abuse check list lovely. He's not just selfish but using you and abusive. He won't change. You can decide to change your future though.