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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 08:39

What everybody else has said: Get rid.

You say towards the end of your OP that you are 'scared of being alone'?
Why is that?
Have you ever lived on your own and found the confidence to be your own person?
I think you'd do well to get rid of this abusive relationship and then spend some time to heal and examine what affects the choices you make.

You deserve so much better Thanks

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 08:44

Pacific the truth is I haven't been alone really ever I met my husband at 15 and we stayed together until two years ago when I caught him cheating with numerous women.
My ex husband was a compulsive liar I was shell shocked by his affair as I thought we would grow old together. I left him though and that was very hard too I was on my own four or five months before I met this man I wasn't to bad everyone said how strong I was but truthfully I haven't been by myself ever really.
I'm so nice to this man at the start I bent over backwards to make him happy he was funny and good looking and sometimes I feel jealous of him he's so confident we went out New Years and my mom was there and she commented on how insecure she thought he was and that he is punching above his weight with me but all I saw was his charisma and charm.
I don't know how it's happened or why I've let this happen and be trampled on and why I'm struggling to get shot of this nasty bastard.

OP posts:
Ouchbloodyouch · 14/03/2015 08:45

Oh my word. Be strong. Keep to the plan
My stock question in threads like this is his name Neil? Wink
There are hundreds of 'Neil' out there though. I had a brief relationship with a man (Neil) who was exactly like him and it was hell.
But not for one minute do I regret it despite it being awful because googling the term 'why does he blow hot and cold' ? (I was a desperate fool who couldn't figure him out)
led me to learn all about narcissism and emotional abuse.
I am a different person now. A stronger person. I have met a man I really like we are going on a second date tonight..but he has said a few things which have made me Confused and a bit Hmm and the fact that he seems really keen. I am proceeding with caution.
If I hadn't been in a relationship exactly like the one you are describing and then learnt all about these behaviours I can guarantee that I would have ignored my little pink flags and carried on hopeful of my 'happy ever after'
You will never accept such poor behaviour again and you should view this relationship as an epiphany relationship rather than a waste.
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T WASTE ANOTHER SECOND < shouty caps

AlternativeTentacles · 14/03/2015 08:47

Don't be scared of being alone. Its actually really good.

Make this weekend the weekend that you change your life around. You have your family behind you by the looks of it. They aren't daft and have your best interests at heart. Listen to them and take their help!

wideboy26 · 14/03/2015 08:48

But he's quite happy to discuss you with your ex and (I gather) generally slag you off!

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 08:50

Aw, Smallbear Thanks

I can see what he is getting out of the relationship, but he is doing nothing but making you miserable.
I am sure you will find a way to free yourself of him - you will be upset and relieved, I am sure.

Do a bit of reading around emotional abuse and FOG and have a look at the Freedom Program.

Try to love yourself enough to not take any shit from somebody else.
In the words of l'Oreal: you are worth it Smile

wideboy26 · 14/03/2015 08:50

Sorry - my post above was in response to your earlier post about not discussing him with family as it paints him in a bad light. The hypocrisy is frankly breathtaking!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 08:56

You've said it yourself - he turns on the niceness when he needs to, to draw you back in. That's why you keep hanging on, hoping against hope (and sense, sorry) that he will stay nice.

He's an abusive controlling bastard and he's inflicting his controlling abuse on your sons as well.

If you can't do it for yourself (and I can feel you slipping a little) then do it for them - they don't need this type of abusive shit in their lives (any more than you do).

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 08:57

Yes wide boy I understand what you mean. He's been worse since xmas time he lives between here and his moms he does pay his mom I've seen him pay her and I think he pays her but Nothing at all to me he was telling me how he's only got such and such in the bank last night. But he asked me last night what am I doing tonight am I going out with his sister I said I don't know he keeps asking what I'm doing don't know why what's it to him if I stay in he can go out im not bothered if he goes out im glad.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 08:59

I just rant my Friend asked if i can see her tonight but she's out this evening I may go to moms wish I could see my brother today really I'm going to call him see if he can see me tonight talk to him about it.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 09:01

If I just keep re reading this over and over and make myself see he isn't going to change. Last month he asked if I would have a baby with him I said no then I thought about it and was like no then you are trapped and tied to him don't do it.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 09:01

Thumbwitch, is making a very good point wrt your DC: they are suffering his abuse too and witnessing you being treated poorly teaches them about relationships.

PacificDogwood · 14/03/2015 09:02

Good grief, do NOT have a baby with this man!! Shock

Ouchbloodyouch · 14/03/2015 09:06

smallbear from what you say about the baby you have known it wasn't right for a while I take it?
Thank goodness you had the foresight! Can you imagine the horror.?

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 09:08

No no I wouldn't im on contraception my stomach dropped when he asked me so no way would I ever.
I took the boys to McDonald's before their dads last night and I asked my eldest his opinion I said do you like him he said when he is nice he is ok but then he shouts and I don't like him and he tells you what to do in your own house.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 14/03/2015 09:08

Please tell your brother everything today and get this man out. Once locks changed and his stuff out you can relax. He will hassle you for a bit but you have this thread to remind you of how awful he is. Your brother, police, even your ex will back you up in getting rid of this absolute prick. Flowers in a months time he will be a distant memory.

Charley50 · 14/03/2015 09:10

Your poor kids :-(

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 09:10

I just thought about his ways and thought he wouldn't provide much for the baby and probably be a good father. He doesn't buy much for the girls or take them out much I always suggest it but he moans about money and lies in bed when they are here I look after them. Don't know why they come over its boring for them.

OP posts:
maras2 · 14/03/2015 09:11

A baby! Good Christ.NO! Double up on the contraception until you find the bottle to dump him.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 09:13

I love my children they are my life and the only good thing I have probably.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/03/2015 09:14

You really shouldn't be involving your children in this Sad. You are the adult.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 09:15

I don't know what he does how his mind works and I'm manipulated. Often after I've thiught well how did that happen how have I ended up saying sorry I feel all confused I can't explain what he does

OP posts:
paxtecum · 14/03/2015 09:18

Love you need help from your brother to get rid of him.

When you are rid of him don't be afraid of not having a man.
Maybe have plans to fill your time when you DCs are with their dad so you don't spend the time feeling lonely.

You will grow strong without a man in your life and one day you will get the man who is worthy of you.

Wishing you strength.

CoffeeBeanie · 14/03/2015 09:21

No, your children are not the only good thing you have. You haven't really found out who you are if you have always been with controlling, lying men.

I'd get rid of this loser (moaning about money all the time when he's on a good salary and sponges off you is a huge turn off) and promise yourself to stay single for at least a year. During that year do the freedom programme and enjoy your life without a man.

Trust your instincts, they are intact. That dropping stomach when he asked about the baby is all you need to listen to.