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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 13/03/2015 16:37

Sorry, I don't mean you've wasted anything...just please don't waste years on someone like that. You can do far better, OP.

trackrBird · 13/03/2015 17:03

Oh, OP, throw him back where you found him.

There's nothing here for you. I'm sorry.

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 17:08

Peace you have spoken so much sense im actually crying in my car right now. He's just phoned me asking where I am and telling me he's lost his earring at work that he paid £80 for you fuck knows what I'm meant to say to that I can already hear him sulking he's in my house. He's at work tomorrow and out tomorrow night I hope I can find the strength to do this tomorrow when he's gone.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 17:09

Everyone on here is so understanding thank you

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/03/2015 17:19

That's because we are on your side. He isn't on your side.

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 17:21

I just think how have other women put up with him before this his kids mom wanted to marry him and he cancelled the wedding she is married now and had a baby with someone else I've actually looked at her thinking she's dodged a bullet.

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 13/03/2015 17:25

You have got yourself a parasite OP. A fully grown blood sucking parasite. He is living off you & sucking the life out of you. He has found a meal ticket, living at your house in the week, bringing his girls at the weekends & paying NOTHING.

Dump his tightwad arse, block his number & change the locks. Then look forward to the rest of your life parasite free.

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 17:26

What would you say in a text how would you put it

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 13/03/2015 17:29

(((Smallbear))) I am so sorry that there are such horrible people who do this. They are not all like that! You know you would never be so mean. You weren't to know, as you said, he was kind to start with. Do not blame yourself, lovely. You're leaving before he changes you and nakes you mean as well. You will do this and you can send him packing and change the locks. Pack up the bad memories in your head and shelve them so you can feel happy you are on the path to a better future for you and your DCs.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2015 17:29

If you want to do it in a text, then don't explain too much and certainly do not agree to meet "to talk"

A simple "this isn't working for me and nothing you promise to do would change that. I will not discuss it further"

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 17:29

The weekends the girls come over I ask him for half towards the shopping he says yes but then doesn't hand it over and I have to buy food. Last week I used his car which he lets me use rarely and his card was in there and I spent £15 on it on food I told him on the night time what I had done I felt scared to tell him and I said is it ok and he said well it will have to be won't it. Once I had nothing no food and I rang him and he said 'I feel for you' but ran to my brother when he had no money for work so he will give to anyone to make himself look good but see me on my arse .

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 13/03/2015 17:30

Look at the second post on this thread! There's your text. (When he's out).

AnyFucker · 13/03/2015 17:31

He is not a good person and you deserve very much better than this.

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2015 17:32

Now is the time to treat yourself as though you are your own daughter.

What would you say she should do? Would you think she should stay with him?

You know from your dumping dress rehearsal what he will do now so you can guard yourself against it. I'd write a list of things that he's likely to do and tick them off every time he does it. I used to do that when my MIL visited and it stopped me getting upset because it was so predictable.

I hope someone can remember this line someone on MN came up with recently about the things that a man like this will do - it was something like:

Shout, blame, shout, cry, persuade, cry... have a sudden illness

(Can anyone find that quote)

It was so funny and recognisable, right down to the sudden illness which is supposed to make you feel all caring towards them.

Help yourself out and make that list now. I would get the locks changed if I thought I couldn't get the key back off him. You know he can go to his mum's so there's no worry about him lying in a puddle in a ditch (shame.)

Start a lovely life without him.

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/03/2015 17:33

There are some givers and there are some takers. You are a giver, he is a taker.

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2015 17:34

I was in a supermarket this afternoon and was chatting to an assistant there. She said, out of nowhere, "I was married for 25 years and divorced him 8 months ago and I still can't believe how much of a weight has lifted from my shoulders." She was shaking her head, just unable to believe how different she felt.

If she's on here then !!

AnyFucker · 13/03/2015 17:34

oh yes, I predict a cancer scare in the near future

or a sudden lightbulb moment that he is "depressed" and only you can help him recover

fuck off

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 17:35

Yeah last time we split he used his daughter against me said she was upset and that he had been crying my brother was there when the text came through and said oh the guilt trip he had him weighed up a long time ago. My brother does not talk to me anymore because I'm with him.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 13/03/2015 17:36

"this isn't working for me, so I don't want to see you again"

Amended to

"this isn't working for me, so I don't want to see you or your dog again"

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 17:37

Oh The dog he adores the dog. Let him take the dog back to the show home flat the dog is lovely and it ain't his fault but he put an extra responsbility on me which I don't need.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/03/2015 17:39

radiators and drains

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/03/2015 17:46

Your brother loves you and can't bear to see you hurt. :)

Michal12 · 13/03/2015 17:57

It does not sound very straight forward to me. You do not say how you met each other? Are you sure he does not have a history of abbusing women? I would also be scared from what you have said. Please try not to let him intimadate you and be carefull how you go about changing this situation. I am not sure what resources are available but I see some others have made suggestions. I would speak to a couple of other people/agencies before deciding how to end it.

momtothree · 13/03/2015 18:19

Block his number and any other social media then tell your friends and family ..,, tell them if u ever say ...were trying again to remind u of why u shouldnt

passthewineplz · 13/03/2015 18:20

Where is he now smallbear?

If he's at your house, or even if he's at his mothers- do you have anyone who could go with you to take your keys off of him?

Or if you have no one to go with you, perhaps ring the police non emergency number, or even womens aid and explain that you're in a domestic abuse relationship and ask them for help/advice about how to get him out of your house/life safely.

Re the dog, if you don't want it - take it to his mums. The dog is his problem not yours.

Also once you've got him out of your house, block his number and don't answer his messages. It's difficult as I'm guessing you're hoping he'll change and things will get better, but unfortunately things will get worse I'm afraid.

Please ring your brother or even a friend and get someone to help you get rid of him. Don't text him, turn up and get him out xxx