Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 09:25

You are lonely now. You are alone now. When you leave him your network of supportive family and friends will be back in touch and be able to help you. You will not be alone. You do not need this 'man' in your life abusing you and your boys and undermining your parenting.

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 09:36

You can spend time getting his bicycle chains off the rest of your thinking and stopping them control and manipulate you after you dump him. Much better to do it afterwards. You will see that everything becomes so much easier without him there.

Right. Make your plans.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 09:37

You are right all of you what you say I start work at 10 but work is quiet I can read the links and get myself together there.
I am lonely anyway I feel I can not go to him with problems and my money worried get me down how will I make the rent this month I do have a car it needs a lot of repairs the MOT is up this month I wont be able to afford the repairs. He knows about this hasn't really helped in terms of advice or anything really. I often feel I have no where to turn to I burst into tears a lot for no reason this past week I have probably cried everyday. I didn't expect to be alone with three children and working all the time to survive and there is no support no cup of tea when I get home , no one puts out the bin bags or makes me dinner I do it all. I was walking the dog at nine last night while he lay on sofa and asked me to do it as he had been to work surely there is more to life than this

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 14/03/2015 09:39

Smallbear - you do not need to know how or why he does these things. You don't need to be able to explain what he does.

If you want to end a relationship, you don't need any reason other that 'it is not working for me.' I once ended one because I didn't like his shoes.

If you want to end it - then end it. You do not need to explain anything to anyone if you don't want to. And you do not need to wait until you have a degree in psychology to explain the underlying causes because hey - it doesn't matter.

What matters is - this is not working for you. You are an adult and can end this today - right now - if that's what you want.

Equally, you could go to uni, get a degree, buy a load of books and work out the underlying cause and try to fix him. But it's a hell of alot of time and money thrown at something that can be resolved today with a £20 change of locks.

He doesn't live with you. You are not married. You have no kids together. You can be free if that's what you want.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 09:39

Will you help me today and help me get through this day. I so needed this support I had to join up and register to post took me a long time to work out how to even post on here im so glad i did

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/03/2015 09:42

We will be here smallbear but you have everything you need within yourself.

Charley50 · 14/03/2015 09:43

You're so sad right now. He is not the man you hoped he would be, and he's actually making so much more work for you. Once he's out; which we all hope is this weekend, you have the space to recover. Once you have recovered your sense of self and feel strong again, who knows what or who is around the corner. Close one door and another opens. But he is bad news for you and has to go.

ptumbi · 14/03/2015 09:59

Oh and deffo tell everyone you know about what a shit he is. He doesn't want you to, as it would paint him in a bad light? Well, if he started acting like a decent man, he wouldn't need to worry, would he? Act like a bastard, and people will think of you as a bastard.

And God is he a bastard.

End it.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 10:17

I've just read the link the FOG gosh it's upsetting reading that seeing what is going on and what the boys might be feeling. He is nice to the boys sometimes he's better with my youngest son and rarely shouts at him and sometimes plays with them and makes jokes etc but I'm worried about my oldest especially as he sees things. I had his parents evening last week and they said he it the top of the year group and exceptionally bright he doesn't talk much he is quiet but I listen to his views he's a clever boy and I want what is best for him. It's made me upset reading that.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 10:20

Abuse victims often find themselves "walking on eggshells" around the abuser, hyper vigilant and afraid of when - and how - to say something.

You may find yourself constantly on your "best" behavior around an abuser, unable to relax or enjoy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. Even when the abuser is in a good mood, you are likely to keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop". Oh my gosh this is me

OP posts:
Charley50 · 14/03/2015 10:20

Let it help spur you on. You don't want your lovely children damaged by this 'man' so gather your strength to take action. And agree with pp, tell everyone!

momtothree · 14/03/2015 10:54

U say sorry to protect yourself and the kids dont feel bad about that . . Hes manipulating the situation thinks hes clever. U have support anytime on here. Look at all these people who care and dont know you ... think about those who do. How supportive they will be when they realise whats going on.

momtothree · 14/03/2015 10:56

Oh and money wise u will be better off not feeding him and his kids. Hope u look at all the benifits u should be getting.

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 10:57

You can have support from any of us. We don't want to control you, we want to see you empowered and riding your own bicycle, in control of your own life decisions.

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 11:13

I did have more money before I met him I feel I'm worse off now than I've ever been.

OP posts:
Rollercola · 14/03/2015 11:16

You'll be a lot better off once he's gone and you don't have to provide food for him and his children (and a dog!) He gives you no money anyway so it's not like you'll lose out.

cozietoesie · 14/03/2015 11:22

Gawd. I'll never be able to look at any 'Neil' in the same way ever again! Wink

You'll manage to get through this - and I think your eyes are a bit more open now?

Any chance of phoning your brother and maybe getting him round this evening? I wouldn't be expecting him to be standing at your door with a 6 ft broadsword but brothers can be great and sometimes it's just good to have another (and supportive) adult there while you do the needful yourself. Someone to keep an eye temporarily on the boys for example.

currentnameinuse · 14/03/2015 11:44

You will be much better off without him

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? You can even do it online for free

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

PeaceOfWildThings · 14/03/2015 11:54

I have to cope with a lot of crappy situations in the week on my own when DH is away. Something he sometimes says when I am afraid: 'you have nothing to fear but fear itself.' I've tested it many times and found it to be true.

educatingarti · 14/03/2015 12:09

Smallbear - where abouts are you based in UK? Just wondering if there are rl mumsneeters who might be abel to help.

Inertia · 14/03/2015 12:14

Smallbear, please contact your brother and ask for his help in getting this abusive man out of your life. Your 'partner' despises you, he sees you only as his housekeeper, childcare provider and supplier of free food and lodgings - all of which he thinks you should be grateful for. He is a bully.

It's your house. You can tell him to leave whenever you want, but I think you are so frightened of him you'll need someone with you.

If he refuses to leave,call the police. He has no right to be in your house.

Dowser · 14/03/2015 12:24

Hoping to see Small bear change into Big "Fuck With Me At Your Own Peril " Bear!

Small bear or soon to be BFWMAYOPB when I read your first post, the first word that flashed in my brain was

DOORMAT.

He does it cos he can.

You sound a lovely person. Now it's time to get mean. With him.

He's a loser and an abuser.

Time for the mumsnet mantra..tell him to

Fuck off to the far end of fuck and when you get there...fuck off some more!

Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 12:48

I am a doormat I know I am. I can't waste anymore years on him I know I would regret it as he wont ever change.
I've just spoke to my brother he's at an away match football he said he will come tomorrow. Mr nice guy does not like my brother he is scared of him I think he's sucked up to him in the past tried to Make my brother like him but my brother hasn't liked him since day one of meeting him.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 14/03/2015 12:50

I didn't tell my brother to much as he's at the pub at moment but he said I will come to yours tomorrow at 12 take you for something to eat for mothers day he knows something is wrong but I don't want to spoil his day.
Hopefully 'he' goes out tonight he rang me earlier asked if I would take his car to this mechanic we both know tomorrow I said I cant I have things to do. My boys are at their dads this wkend thankfully

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 12:52

Oh my poor love, you are dithering and dithering about this - asking your DS1 whether or not he likes this bastard, what in fuck was that all about?? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOUR DSs LIKE HIM!! You can't keep him around just because your DS1 thinks he's "ok sometimes" Shock

You do not need extra justification for dumping him, he is a cocklodging leech who doesn't even like you much, he just uses you for food, lodgings for his DDs when he has to have them, sex (obviously) and refuses to either pay his way or help you out when you need it.

He doesn't want you to talk to anyone outside about how he really is because he needs to maintain his "jolly good chap" persona to the rest of the world, just inflicting his real self on you and the children, both yours and his.

The best decision you've made so far is to stay on contraception and refuse to procreate with this loser.

He is useless to you. He drags you down. He costs you money. He shouts at your children. He shouts at you in your own home. He has zero respect for you or your children. He brings nothing positive to the situation at all - the odd bit of niceness and sex is really not worth All This Shit. He's adding to your workload by increasing the amount of shit that needs doing but not helping with any of it; and introducing a mutt into the house that you didn't need or want.

Tell. Him. To. Do. One.

Swipe left for the next trending thread