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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 13/03/2015 14:54

Don't put your kids through this. End it.

gelwax · 13/03/2015 15:04

Dear me. He sounds so horrible and he's not making you happy. Being alone isn't easy but it is better than this. You sound so lovely and you deserve someone better than this mean-spirited man.

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 15:13

Before this and before I met him I was a strong girl what has finally cracked me and made me post was last Friday night my boys stayed over at their nans. I never drink much or go out but I had been to the pub after work and I walked home I had a few got home and thought I want a few more drinks I wasn't drunk by any means. He came back with the girls I was in a good mood I was playing music and he came in with a face like thunder really the dog had ripped the bin bag Open outside and he started on one saying the dogs ripped the contents of the bag all over the garden I said ok I will clean it up tomorrow no biggie. Then he said he had tided the garden the week before no we both did and that he was fed up of me and fed up of my ways 'my stupid lapsy daisy ways' I said is that right I tel you what go home take the girls and go will you had enough of how you talk to me like shit. He wouldn't leave I walked out my own house crying and rang a friend I got back and his friend turned up so he put on his act 'are you ok Babe' what shall we have for dinner babe put up all this front infront of his friend.
I was just shocked I had been at work all week my kids weren't there and if I want a drink and chill out then I'm entitled to that. If I want to live in a mess that's up to me it's my house.
I used to think women who were abused and that were weak why didn't they leave but it's just dawned on me he is abusive anything sets him off especially money can't discuss money.
Was meant to be out tomorrow but I can't afford it he's going out with his friends he said I will loan you £30 for two weeks I think that's generous enough that's what he said I said no Thankyou would rather stay in than lend money to go out drinking.
He was so nice at first all loving and charming reeled me in I suppose. I'm quite isolated where I live I guess I depend on him for adult company and the affection. I don't know why but I got it in my head that he's to nice for me and why is he with me even tho I'm attractive and that myself but don't feel it. Don't know how to be strong im scared to be I know I sound pathetic I'm so glad I've posted on here just getting this out is like a relief.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 13/03/2015 15:18

You don't sound pathetic - you just sound desperately tired and worn down.

Has he got keys to the place?

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 15:18

I'm glad I posted as I thought am I being unreasonable to ask for money sometimes or ask to pick the boys up from school now and again with me there anyway.
Just seems to me I don't know what a relationship is supposed to be I thought it was a team not mine is mine all the time.

Then I think we'll they aren't his children I shouldn't expect to much of him and play it down to myself kid myself.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/03/2015 15:21

Good grief - he's a classic abuser, yes.

And some of them prefer to go for strong women - it's more of a "conquest" to "bring you to heel" than going for a vulnerable woman.

You are strong, you've told him you're not putting up with it, now follow through and dump his sorry arse.

There are worse things than being single! Being in an abusive relationship with shitbags like this man is definitely one of them!

cozietoesie · 13/03/2015 15:24

He's using you - some people do.

Remember that if you tell him to leave tonight, he'll likely do that sweetie-sweetie stuff all over again. (Bunches of flowers and 'I love you's all over the place: well maybe just the 'I love you's if he's a tightwad and doesn't want to cough up for the blooms.)

It's how they operate and they're very good at what they do - reel you in and then give you a bit of slack........reel you in again and then give you some more slack.......... and so on.

You're not unreasonable at all - you just need to get rid of him while you still have yourself reasonably together.

ImperialBlether · 13/03/2015 15:33

You thought he was too good for you? He's not too good for ANYONE!

He's absolutely bloody horrible - everything about him is horrible. He's a user and he's using you and his mum. God, what a creep.

Send him a message now: "I've been thinking about it and it's best we don't see each other again. You're not the kind of man I want to be involved with." Then block, delete, ignore.

exWifebeginsat40 · 13/03/2015 15:48

please, please text him and tell him to never contact you again. he doesn't love you. I'm sorry that it hurts, but stop it now and let yourself heal from your marriage breakdown and from this experience.

you and your kids deserve a happy, drama free life.

AnyFucker · 13/03/2015 15:58

be prepared for him to turn the charm back on....He won't want to lose his meal ticket

ptumbi · 13/03/2015 16:01

OP - You 'love' him?

How about the dog he landed you with? How do you feel about that?
My point is - women are 'programmed' to look after, care for, love, things that come into their orbit. Kittens, children, men - if they come into your life, you feel for them. Feed them. Keep them warm - it is in your nature.

However - this does not mean you love them. You may be co-dependent, or needy in some way, but you do not love him - there is nothing there to love. He disrespects you, shouts at you and the dc (you poor middle son Sad), uses you and abuses you in your own home.

Get rid, like you should the dog (If you don't want it) and anything else in your life or house that is not making you feel good. Rats? Mice? Spiders? Annoying whiney tight gits? get rid.

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 16:10

He's got keys I finished with him last summer everyone told me to keep strong and I did for a week or so but he kept messaging me asking silly things trying to make conversation then it was I miss you and then he asked me out on a date to sort things out and he was really lovely but then obvs the shine wears off after a while. My friend saw him on tinder in November a dating app I told him to fuck off not come back and he was all I'm sorrys I never use it set it up ages ago. I don't believe him but I'm so pathetic and weak I forgave him again.
Shoot me

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 16:11

All this sounds like a joke tbh I'm embarrassed

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/03/2015 16:15

No, it's normal. Abusers have to be charming or they'd never get anywhere to start with! They know when to turn it on, and when they can start turning it off.

Now all you have to do is break the cycle by realising that he will never change and you don't need to put up with his shit a moment longer. :)

minkGrundy · 13/03/2015 16:19

Don't be embarrassed. He's the prick, not you.
Just learn from it and move on.
Just because you have taken him back before does not mean you will this time.

He is like an unflushable turd. Just keep flushing.

SylvaniansAtEase · 13/03/2015 16:20

Look, you're 18 months in.

Classic time for this to happen. Yes, he's a fucking foul abuser. You have wised up to it. Don't be embarrassed. You've been taken in not because you're stupid, but because you're kind. Generous. Want to believe the best in people. Are busy!! - too busy to analyse your relationship until stuff starts to become obvious.

Don't be embarrassed - but ACT NOW.

get rid.

change the locks, today. Or before next time he comes round. Don't bother asking for the key back - he'll cut another one before he gives it to you. Then text that it's over and STICK TO IT.

Think of your kids. This is for them as much as you. Don't, DON'T allow this loser to push his nasty fucking frame into their childhoods, their security, and do the damage that will cause.

People like this start to show their real colours at this stage quite a lot. The thinking is, you're invested. It's a decent amount of time. They push and push and soon get you putting up with all sorts, because it's been a while, you love them, you've wasted all this time if you finish it... etc.

Don't be taken in by that. This time hasn't been wasted - you've learned. Learn enough to get rid and stay safe. I have to say, it's only a matter of time before a shitbag like this starts pushing you around. And then you're into a whole new world of shit.

You can do it.

PeppermintPasty · 13/03/2015 16:21

When I read threads like this it actually makes me feel exhausted in some weird way. You must be bloody worn out with this emotional head fuck. Being on your own is so so much better than having to put up with this horrible shit. Please tell him where to go, he needs a kick right up the arse.

MissMogwi · 13/03/2015 16:22

Sounds like a bloody nightmare. As others have said, text him now to piss off out of your life.

It might be tough at first. But I guarantee that in time you will be stronger and happier than ever. I've done it, as have loads of others on here and so can you.

bleedingheart · 13/03/2015 16:29

Please finish with him and when he sees you mean it and talks about moving in permanently don't take it as a commitment to change, see if for the last act of an abusive dickwad hanging on to his meal ticket. He practically lives with you but won't give you £10? Cocklodger!.

Please don't spend your life with a man who doesn't like your children, leeches off you and speaks to you like shit.

You've not known him that long and now you've got to know him and found you're incompatible. No shame in that.

A cheat, a tightwad and a bully. He is no loss.
Flowers

AlternativeTentacles · 13/03/2015 16:30

Can you get the locks changed the next time he goes out, and end this. It really is not going to end well, is it?

bleedingheart · 13/03/2015 16:30

When I read threads like this it actually makes me feel exhausted in some weird way.

I agree, the relief you will feel when he is gone, oh it will be sad for a bit but then you'll feel your shoulders straighten up.

tallwivglasses · 13/03/2015 16:30

By the time I got to reading about the dog I was open - mouthed. By the time I'd reached the end I was swearing at the screen. OP, you can do so much better than this - he's an abusive cocklodger. LTB. Please. Your poor children. His poor daughters.

cozietoesie · 13/03/2015 16:32

......This time hasn't been wasted - you've learned......

Yes to that.

You let him come back into your life and he's screwed you over yet again.

You won't do that again in a hurry, I think? Grin Only need to get rid of him now.

Change the locks and send him that message. Best do it fast while you still have momentum.

cozietoesie · 13/03/2015 16:34

Oh - and I'll eat my hat if he's really paying his Mum £90 a week for that room. He's probably using her as well.

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/03/2015 16:35

He is abusing you. It is not your fault. You haven't caused his bad treatment of you, it is him doing it.

Even before you wrote about the abusive behaviour, he clearly does not love you. He is mean to you, your children and the dog and you are giving your children a mean mannered, rude, abusive, childish, selfish, manipulative and controlling role model to follow under your own roof. Please stop. Someone who loves you would not see your son go without shoes, they'd give you the coat off their own back in the rain, they would take their car to the cleaners when the mud dried and not mention it. Someone who loves you does not expect to freeload food and noard for themselves, their children and random dogs, and would find a way of diacussing how to pay their own way before taking anything. Someone who loves you would never see you worried about money. Especially if they were well off and could help you out. Someone who loves you does not say abusive, manipulative or controlling things.

Do not waste another day attempting to have a relationship with him.