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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 18/03/2015 13:02

Little I did read that twice I still have a husband aha although no longer together of course.
I will keep going back on his thread because what I think tends to happen is you think of the good times more than the bad times when your no longer together and be like was he THAT bad.
I'm glad my brother was here he reinstated all the reasons to walk away and kept me sane yday. I've thought if I feel like texting him text my brother text a friend or post on here. It's hard like withdrawals from a drug or something but he would just go back to his old ways like he has before im not naive enough to believe what he says. Just have to hope things will get easier im taking the boys out Saturday abywsy for the day so have plans doing packed lunch etc Friday I've got a baby sitter so am just going for a meal with DB and partner at the pub get out the house for a bit. Depending on what happens with my nan but there's not a lot any of us can do. Be good to see my sister aswell she moved away so at Least I see her today. We have a big family so everyone is rallying around I've got two other brothers aswell both younger. We will Be ok

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 18/03/2015 13:05

You're sounding stronger today?

cozietoesie · 18/03/2015 13:08

Oh - and it does get easier. You just have to watch out for that time a few months down the road when you think to yourself ' Oh I can handle him now'. (That's when he wheedled back in last time.)

ptumbi · 18/03/2015 14:51

It does get easier, smallbear - and don't forget that if you get back with DP you will lose your brother again! And the friends who were scared off/didn't like him so stayed away...

Stay strong - of course you've done the right thing, for yourself as well as your dc.

cozietoesie · 18/03/2015 15:10

Remember this?

... I finished with him last summer everyone told me to keep strong and I did for a week or so but he kept messaging me asking silly things trying to make conversation then it was I miss you and then he asked me out on a date to sort things out and he was really lovely but then obvs the shine wears off after a while. My friend saw him on tinder in November a dating app I told him to fuck off not come back and he was all I'm sorrys I never use it set it up ages ago...

He can be sweet as sweet can be when he needs to - when he's on the make, for example - but you know the real him by now. He's an abuser who doesn't like your kids, hits his own kids, mistreats his pets - and seems to only really love his motor.

I should imagine that he has another woman lined up by now 'just in case' but you've become a challenge to him because you escaped from his control - so you've become worth pursuing and being nice to again. If he had you 'licked into shape' again, you'd soon see things change back to his normal personality.

AccordingtoSteve · 18/03/2015 16:58

bear sorry about your Nan, I hope she is comfortable

Jux · 18/03/2015 22:37

Hey there! You're doing so well and being so strong! An admirable example to your children. Congratulations Thanks

You will feel up and down a lot, so be prepared for it. If you know it's normal and natural, it helps.

If you're worried about occupying your time when you're alone (though you sound like you are pretty busy) you could take up a new hobby, or maybe do some studying or something. The Open University do really good Foundation courses in almost everything, as well as some free short courses.

Stay strong, Bear. You can smell the freedom, you're so close to it.

springydaffs · 19/03/2015 01:30

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, skipped to the last page after reading the first 3 hoping to hear you'd kicked out the scum. Yay!!

Has anyone mentioned the Freedom Programme? I hope so. If you've not heard of it/been then please do! Immediately! It will really help you, esp with the withdrawals. Google it and cluck 'find a course' to find a course near you. It's a fantastic course.

I relate to the withdrawals. I left my shite (abusive, controlling) husband and I had intense withdrawals, literally like coming off a drug. I shook, couldn't sleep, I was a bag of nerves, in a right state. It passed eventually. You'll hear lots of stories like this at the Freedom Programme. It really helps to be with ordinary ppl who know exactly what it's like, who are battling the same thing.

Well done Flowers

springydaffs · 19/03/2015 01:31

*click!

PeaceOfWildThings · 19/03/2015 08:06

The Freedom Programme

Thank you Spring Daffs, I hadnt heard of it. That looks like a really good site, is is international or UK based?

Smallbear good luck with getting the dog to a shelter today.

You have freedom from having 'him' in your home but it sounds as if he, and certain patterns of thinking, are still in your head. As if someone else is on the bicycle, not you. It is the sort of thinking that made your nan keep going back to her abuser. Not her fault, she needed specialist help that perhaps was not available to her. I haven't looked closely at the freedom programme, but I am guessing that they offer that kind of specialist help. The same with the women's refuge type sites or counselling through your GP.

The Freedom Programme has been mentioned a couple of times on this thread, can anyone say more about it?

Alicebannedit · 19/03/2015 08:48

"The Freedom Programme has been mentioned a couple of times on this thread, can anyone say more about it?"

There's a fair bit about it in the thread below or the ones before:
www.mumsnet.com/.../2232143-Four-threads-to-freedom-Divorcing- Twatchops-once-and-for-all

I haven't had to use it myself but the site was very enlightening and I recommended that and other sites to a friend whose daughter found it helpful.

The poster of four threads to freedom found herself emerging from total victim state to become the strong and intelligent woman who had always been there but hidden. It took her a long time but all the advice and support she got from MNetters helped her achieve her freedom.

Read her threads and see the similarities. People in these situations need never feel they are alone. Flowers

springydaffs · 19/03/2015 08:53

UK based. Are you in UK? Xx

springydaffs · 19/03/2015 08:54

UK based. Are you in UK? Xx

springydaffs · 19/03/2015 08:55

Oops sorry

Alicebannedit · 19/03/2015 09:05

If the above link doesn't work this one might (seems to add talk and relationships!)

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2232143-Four-threads-to-freedom-Divorcing-Twatchops-once-and-for-all?msgid=53237098#53237098

BadgerB · 19/03/2015 11:41

OP - If the dog is a Staffie please don't advertise him in the free papers! Your ad would be in danger of being picked up by vile dog-fight promoters who cruelly ill-treat these so-called 'fighting breeds' in an attempt to make them aggressive enough for the 'sport'.

Dogs suffer terrible injuries, some even death, in the ring. If they are lucky enough to be rescued they are no longer fit to live with a family, and often can only be put down

tipsytrifle · 19/03/2015 12:42

www.staffierescue.co.uk/

www.sbtrescue.co.uk/

www.happystaffierescue.org.uk/

These are just three of the rescues I found on a quick google. I can go into the sites and find the phone numbers if you like but you would be better doing this as you know where you are, so to speak!

A staffie will likely end up as bait or fighter (either way cruelly treated and dead in short order. The wounded are not taken to the vet for healing. They are dealt with in other ways.) If you advertise him on gumtree, FB or in the paper this is more likely than a good home turning up. In any case you are not going to be doing a home check, so anyone presentable could turn up take dog because they were seemingly ok and there he goes, into the ring.

I know you have a lot to deal with and the angry pain of it all. Please go the extra mile and get this dog to a proper rescue.

springydaffs · 19/03/2015 14:21

Gosh, I'd love a staffie. They are the loveliest dogs. Can;t have a dog at the mo, though. HOpe you find somewhere lovely for him.

Now I'm on my laptop, here is the Freedom Programme site. It sounds like you've looked at it already -did you click 'find a course'? Lots of courses going on, day and night (many with free childcare during the day), all over the UK.

supersop60 · 19/03/2015 19:16

You cry most days? That doesn't sound like love to me. Please value yourself and get rid. Brew

Vivacia · 19/03/2015 20:22

FFS.

PeaceOfWildThings · 20/03/2015 08:17

Thinking of you bear. Hope you had some success with getting the dog to a shelter and you got to see your family.

helpmekeepstrong · 20/03/2015 10:48

supersop60 !!!

springydaffs · 20/03/2015 11:13

Thinking of you today bear xxx

PacificDogwood · 20/03/2015 11:41

Also thinking of you here Thanks

supersop60 · 20/03/2015 19:38

helpme - sorry, what have I missed? I just meant that if she's with someone who makes her cry most days, that's a sign that he doesn't love her. What did you think I meant?

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