Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

[Smallbear86]

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

Oh - brothers are great as cheerer-uppers - and a brother who despises him is even better!

Any chance of explaining things to/making up with your brother and getting him round this weekend?

Imperial was it - It is, of course, the routine - nice, nice, nasty, NASTY, threats, cajole, nice, you're mad you are, nasty, sudden illness....

that's me that was!

You omitted the dog and his kids - he'll manage to work those in somewhere. (Probably between cajoling and sudden illness - or even a combination of cajoling, dog/kids and sudden illness!)

Haha ptumbi very true, but you forgot declaring he will commit suicide. I had that one over Christmas!!

Hope you're ok this eve Smallbear, we are all with you. Thinking of you.

It is exhausting but not nearly as exhausting as putting up with his shit.

Get your db to change the locks, tell the dc he isn't welcome as he treated you all badly, go and do something fun like splash in puddles or whatever, don't sit at home. Ignore his text- if you must reply say " I have asked you not to contact me" and save the text.

Bag up his stuff and drop it round his mums - no need to go in. Drop off dog as well. Just no.

Think of all the money you'll save, book yourself a haircut, feel good, and book a day out with the dc. And come on here for chat:)

I've attached something that made me smile:) I hope it helps:)

I'm sorry about late reply. It's like my brother has read my mind he text me at seven this evening asking if I'm ok first time ive heard off him since New Years eve.
I said I need to see you he said I know you do I love you unconditionally your my sister and asked me to meet him Sunday im so happy I might have my brother back again he is a good man I miss him.
I got home and he started on me again this time about my ex as he lowered the CSA payments and I had moaned about it earlier in the day and said I was calling CSA again as they aren't dealing with it he said he's sick of hearing about me and my ex I hardly talk about him tbh and that any other man would of told me to fuck off by now but like the good man he is he is sticking by me.
I just sat there and took the garage of abuse of how I don't do anything right. Then he proceeded to message my ex and tell him I'm happy with such and such payments I felt powerless he said see im sorting it all out for you ! I never asked him to I never asked him to get involved and message my ex husband I'm a big girl and can do this myself. He's telling my ex husband what money I would be happy to receive and he put me and small bear are happy with such and such I was like wtf it's my money here.

I asked what we having for dinner and said am I paying then that's abother £12 down im going to be so I said forget it I have a pizza in the oven and cooked that .
He said he will 'give' me the £30 to go out but doesn't see why I should have 'free' money I told him there's something wrong with you , you aren't giving he said he does a lot for me he cleaned my garden didn't he. What a fun night I have had and he's finally asleep phew

So, why didn't you just dump him?

What a fucking arsehole!
How dare he text your ex!

Was it because it was too hard in person?

Wait until he has gone home, then text him and say "it's not working out for me, I think that's clear to both of us last night. So I think it is best to end things now. Good bye and good luck".

You could actually just send "where do you get off, you cock? Fuck off out of my life". But you may be happier with the former.

Look OP I'm trying to be sympathetic here but the more you write it's impossible. He's a twat. A complete twat. I appreciate that he has probably worn you down but you need to realise that he isn't going to change. Get him out of your life. You will be happier after the initial pain.

Think of him as a splinter in your finger. It (he) has to come out. You can either leave it to fester and get worse and worse until you're poisoned OR you can rip it out in one short, sharp shock. Clean break. Bye bye cocklodger and mutt. Then you get on with your life.

I can't face doing it he will get nasty I think as soon as I walked in there was atmosphere I wondered what I had done wrong this time. I tried to speak up about my ex tell him to stop he shouted over me really loudly so I couldn't speak. His best one is when he says ' don't talk to me like that girl' like I'm one of his daughters. He brought up the ten pounds he had left on the side for me for the shoes after he had said all the hurtful things and I said well I'm your partner you should help if you can he said I've got my own kids to support and look after and could I please shut up and stop going on.
I can't do it in person makes me feel like a child he went all nice after about nine this evening and went back to mr nice guy but now he's saying he may not go out but I want him to. I want to go and speak to my friend tomorrow evening and ask her advice about the dog and other things. I'm working all day tomorrow too.

I want him gone tomorrow but I need to speak to someone in person first tomorrow all his stuff is here. I'm hoping he changed mind and goes out tomorrow eve

Can you contact your brother tomorrow? These situations are not easy in reality and I think you'd feel better if you just had another adult there who had your back.

OP - you say you're working tmw too? Under the circumstances I'd call in sick and spend the day bagging up his stuff and changing the locks.

If you're feeling kind you could drop the stuff (& the dog) at his mum's- otherwise leave it outside and let him know to collect it. I'd also call 101 and ask their advice about what to do if he's gets nasty/aggressive, then you have something on record.
You are worth better than this.

Maybe he might be working though. It isnt easy stupid as it sounds I hope he will change if anything he's got worse tho I'm scared of it all.

Can your brother come to you at all, just as a male back up?

Contact your ex and tell him that was this 'person' interfering not you.

He isn't going to change because of anything you do. If he doesn't love you now, nothing you do is going to make him. Even if he did love you, he would still be mean and selfish. He loves the dog but doesn't want to take full responsibility for it. He isn't living with you and his mum because he wants to or needs to, it's because it's cheaper and because he is a freeloader. You really don't want a freeloader to be in love with you!

He will put up some resistence because it will be inconvenient for him to pay his own way and look after his own daughters. He might get nasty (you can deal with that) or he might get violent (you should call the police on 101 if you think he will get violent. Tell them your exit plan and when he will find out and the time you are going to be most vulnerable.)

He doesn't love you so once he and the dog and all his possessions are out of your place, and you make it clear he is not going to get anything from you, he will probably be off bothering someone else, so don't worry about trouble from him in the future. If there are any serious issues you can call the police.

You need to make an exit plan. People here can help you. Has he got anything of yours that you need back? Passports, birth certificates, work or bank documents? You will need to get them back afterwards with a police escort.

Once he is back at his mum's, change the locks and bag up his stuff. Ideally this should be today. Take the day off work if there is a lot of his stuff. Don't keep anything of his. It sounds like you don't have a car (?) so agree a time for him to collect his things when you are out. (When you are out with your brother would be ideal. Then your brother could go back to your place with you and check he has gone etc.)

See what others say about the way he contacted your ex. Did he use your phone or was that from his own number? I think it is illegal - easier to prove it if it is from his phone. Worth mentioning to the police.

He facebook we messaged the Ex you know and my ex hates me as it is really so they started having a chat about me too.
My ex said I had been harassing him at work about the lowered CSA payments which is totally untrue I sent him a text once last week about the payments so then mr nice guy and him had a good old chat about me.
But is isnt his place to start messaging him discussing finaces I felt helpless sitting there like a stupid idiot while he went on and on he said he was trying to help me but it didn't seem that way to me.

I don't usually work Saturdays but my boss asked me a month ago as he has gone away for the wkend it is a small company. I'm going to go in as I've for the keys but I'm going to tell my boss im leaving at three as something has come up and I have to leave best thing I can think of while I sort this out and sort out my own head. He has just gone to work he was being as nice as pie to me but he will switch later he switches most days so I have to remember that.

Well you can see that is really is financial abuse now, can't you?

You can see the way that this is heading. It won't get any better. You were a observer here and now you have all the evidence here in your mind to use as your reason to get him out of your life.

You do not have to give him a reason. You don't owe him anything. You do not have to reply to anything he says. Don't get into any bargaining with him. Disengage. Like when the chain comes off a bicycle and the wheel spins freely without resistance. Don't listen to his twisted lies anymore. Allow yourself to be free of his chains. Allow yourself to listen to your encouraging sound track. (You are strong. You don't need him to be happy. You are a person in your own right. You and your children deserve better. You can get away from this abuser. etc) You can manage on your own, but you don't have to. There are people who care about you who can help. There are professionals who can help.

Don't love a man you are afraid of! The fear should make the love turn cold. I know it hurts, but try to put your emotions to one side and concentrate on your escape plan.

I think you've got a good plan. You're shoring up support (friend tonight, brother tomorrow). Have you got a next step?

What a disgusting man.

I suggest calling 101 telling them you expect problems when you take the key off him.

Get brother to get the key off him? When he is not expecting it, ie the second he walks through your front door.

Take the dog and his stuff to his mums. Tie dog to the gate/front door leave stuff in the back garden.

Text him and say it is over, stuff left in garden. Say brother will remain at the front of the property for 1 hour to ensure its not stolen - if you are being generous.

Text and say do not contact me again, I will see it as harassment. Any communication, report and have arrested if necessary.

Think I'm scared of the unknown but I have to think of the future and my boys I want them to have a good role model. My oldest is nearly 9 and be cheeked me the other day and I was dealing with it upstairs and he heard me then I heard the footsteps on the stairs and up he came and got involved it undermined my authority my sons do have a lot of respect for me usually and are very loving to me. But he came up and started on my son shouting like a mad man and I said I'm dealing with it and he said you can't deal with it your weak you don't teach them a lesson.
He's barged in their room and confiscated things without even consulting me just gone in and done it and it's uncomfortable for me as a parent the boundaries have become blurred as in should he discipline them and so on

He told me not to discuss rows and things with family etc as it paints a bad picture of him and causes problems

OP you know this isn't right. You know your sons shouldn't be subjected to this man's behaviour. If he thought his behaviour was appropriate he wouldn't have a problem with you discussing it with your loved ones. A loving partner doesn't try to cut you off from your support.

he said you can't deal with it your weak you don't teach them a lesson

You know you can deal with it. You know you are strong. You know your children don't need the threat of being "taught a lesson".

He is an abuser, leaches money off you and is alienating your family and friends so that you don't have any support and thus you only rely on him.

Can you get your brother to change the locks, and end it with him? Call the police if he gets aggressive. Keep the phone on charge at all times.

He has somewhere to live, and is a nasty piece of work and you and your sons do not need him in your house for one more day.