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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
LittleEsmeWeatherwax · 16/03/2015 20:38

He's not taking you seriously. Be on your guard bear, as I'm betting he will try the illness/depression/committ to you manoeuvre next.

cafesociety · 16/03/2015 20:42

Next time: say nothing, go indoors [do not let him come in] come out with the dog and give him the lead. It is now his responsibility...close the door and never engage with him again. Ever.

If he phones at work, put the phone down. There is nothing to say. He is harassing you.

Concentrate on your children, and your nan and your future peace and sanity...and leave this bottom feeder to stew in his own nasty juice.

PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 20:43

Well done on not letting him in. Don't give him any information about where you have been or where you are going to be. Cut him off, no eye contact and no words. No he cannot come in, no he cannot meet you anywhere else. He can go away and never come back.

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 20:51

I'm guessing you won't get to your Nan's bedside this evening now?

You're doing well so far.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 20:52

I know what your saying very hard to do in person. I'm glad he's gone I feel nothing but relief hand on heart I feel happier

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 20:54

I can't the baby is asleep in bed well toddler. I can't go might have to call in at work second time in two weeks can't believe I named my son I didn't mean to do that. My head is actually throbbing but I feel better at home without someone shouting at me or being scared when they might shout at me you know what I mean. My mom has called she feels sorry for the dog he is a lovely dog but I said I can't walk him mom what can I do.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 20:57

Don't worry about the naming - MNHQ should notice and edit the post.

Maybe your Mom can cast her net around for a home for the dog? She'll be pleased that you and the family - eg DBro - are back on terms, I hope.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 20:58

You are doing fine. Things are really tough at the moment, but they will get better, I promise.

Keeping away from the twunt will help. You don't need his shit...you have enough on your plate.

I have reported your post to ask HQ to amend it...no worries x

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 21:16

There you go smallbear - MNHQ have edited the post. All cleaned up now.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 21:18

Ok that is good then one less thing to worry about :-) im going to bed now my head is killing me Thankyou for all your support night ladies X

OP posts:
Jux · 16/03/2015 21:51

Hey, I think you did ^brilliantly! You'd just spent 3hrs in a&e, sick child, bored other children. All tired. There is the shit sitting on your doorstep and you can't get in yourself because you don't want him following you in and causing a stink in front of the kids. Meanwhile, you want to sort out the kids but he won't stop burbling about crap you're really not interesting in right now.

I think you were great Thanks

Next time, if there is a next time, you know that you can just get the dog and close the door on the pair of them without a word. Grin

Newbiecrafter · 16/03/2015 22:10

Hey Smallbear. Sorry it's been such a tough day with your nan and your little one not being well.

You've done so well and I was really glad to read that you feel nothing but relief that he is gone. Imagine when your little one is feeling better again, and you've had a few good nights sleep how much better you will feel.

I really hope your nana is as comfortable as possible and that you manage to see her soon.

As for that idiot, if he really has to ask what has he do e wrong, it suggests he thinks he's done nothing wrong which is a worry. You've been his proverbial punch bag all this time. He's beaten you down, so to speak. Even today with the you owe him £100 shit.

I thnk you should work out how many months he's free loaded off you, multiply that by £90 as that's what he pays his mum to not stay there and throw that number in his nasty little face next time he dares to mention what you owe him.

All you did was try with him. He neatly broke you, but you' eh shown him how strong you are. Your nan and little one being poorly will hopefully help prioritise what's what for you. It's a shame that all this has happened at once, but at least you've got some major distractions to busy yourself with.

If he was still on the scene, he would not be helping in any way at all.

Also, you said you've been feeling by well and shaky. I think you've been running on adrenaline for so long down to him keeping you in that fight or flight state, that you're probably going to feel I'll for a little while as your body adjusts to actually not having to be on high alert all the time, iykwim?
Lots of people with stressful jobs get I'll as soon as they take time off. I think this just shows just how stressed out you were.

You're amazing and don't forget that. What you did took a lot of guts and courage and willpower. You can now focus 100% of your energy on you and your family.

Xxx

Newbiecrafter · 16/03/2015 22:12

My ipad is soon stupid with it's bloody autocorrect.

Too many to list here but I'll should read ill. Sorry. Hope it makes sense, Blush

Vivacia · 16/03/2015 22:20

Well done OP you've done so well today. It won't always be this hard.

And you know, if you do make a slip up at some point, don't be afraid to say so. This is your life. We're here to hold your hand.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 23:24

Thankyou everyone well I've been asleep an hour and woke up story of my life I swing from thinking was he that bad to I hate his guts.

I think what happens is you get familar with things you get used to being treated like shit
My aunt was with a man similar to this she had children with him in and out of refuges but she always went back I know why mostly because it was familar I used to say to mom when younger why does she always go back it did my head in but I see how it happens oh so easily it's a mental game where the brain becomes programmed. People can say it is your choice and it is your choice in a way but on the other hand you have been brain washed by him so you don't think like a normal person and the old you would think.
The control happens so slowly your knee deep in shit when you realise. Know it isn't normal but your brain has been condititoned to think it's normal.
I have actually found myself this eve feeling guilty about that £100 he has lost that's how I'm used to feeling so it's like I can't stop it.
I know it isn't really my fault or my problem but I can't help it I always put his feelings first I don't know how to put myself first. I don't know who I am. I haven't known for two years I've just bee bumbling through and then I think of my kids that at times I've put his feeling before my kids and that's wrong.
I put a man before my children at times because I was scared to be alone and was grateful someone wanted me with children. Everyday someone makes comments 'how do you cope' 'three boys gosh would be tearing my hair out' day in and day out people say it to me and it doesn't help because half the time I can not cope but haven't got a choice. Sorry to go on

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 23:33

Im going to have to take out a loan or pawn my jewllerry or something by Wednesday as I have no money again. I got paid Friday some tax credits but 40% goes on childcare petrol gas electric and food and it's gone within two days the small amount I get. Some days I have to go to mkms and get food or ask her to cook dinner im living beyond my means in my house the rent is really high i get some help off the council but as I work not all of it is covered so most of my wages go on covering the shortfall. I had to move here after my marriage ended me and the kids have been hung out to dry. It's so hard on your own I know a lot of people are in the same boat so I'm not feeling sorry for myself but gosh it is tough.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 16/03/2015 23:35

Good job smallbear, the normal, old you is digging out of the shit piled on you by him, and your exh before him too.

Momagain1 · 16/03/2015 23:41

Can't believe, knowing you had a sick child to attend, and ll 3 of them in need of a meal and bed, but he expected you to have anytime for him.

Shows you what a crap dad he is. All about him.

cozietoesie · 17/03/2015 00:07

I know you haven't been on the site long, Smallbear, so why not visit the Credit crunch board and have a read of some of the stuff there. Good people - and good advice about saving money in all sorts of ways.

Jux · 17/03/2015 01:33

Does your boys' dad pay the full amount?
Can you get to a CAB and check you are getting everything you're entitled to?
Do you want to stay in the home you're in now, or would you prefer to move to something else which doesn't eat so much of your income?

Smallbear86 · 17/03/2015 06:53

Jux no I don't think he pays what he is meant to pay he gives £160 a month for all three children. I've woke up looking like shit feel emotionally spent already cried this morning don't know what is wrong with me :-(
It's horrible feeling like this feel like j don't really have anyone my brother rang my mom and my best friend did too last night but then it's just you on your own again.
My oldest he needs school shoes I've got to try and get some money today to get him some shoes.
I feel so down this morning like when your just close to tears all the time. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
catzpyjamas · 17/03/2015 07:18

You do have people who care about you - three of them called you last night?
I know it's not the same as having a partner but I'd choose my family and my best friend over someone like your ex every time.
Can anyone else help with new shoes for now? Maybe your brother?
One of the more useful MNers will be along soon with financial advice!
Have a great day.

currentnameinuse · 17/03/2015 07:30

£160 a month for 3 children sounds way too little. He works full time?

I would advise you contact Child Maintenance Options and put in a formal claim.

Smallbear86 · 17/03/2015 08:41

Yeah he works full time he says the two children he's living with have to be taken into account they aren't his kids but I've looked and he is right and he won't disclose how much he earns either he also works self employed so last time I took him to CSA he left his job so I couldn't get anything

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 17/03/2015 08:55

If he shows up to walk the dog again, let him - and tell him not to bring it back.