Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

[Smallbear86]

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

Oh that is awful, awful ... this man sounds like a complete twat. It may be hard to hear but he is taking huge advantage of you financially not to mention being unpleasant to your children. You need to ask him to leave and ultimately you will be so much happier. I know all too well, the 'walking on eggshells' - you should not be crying most days. Hugs x

Cheese, we're a little past that now! This thread's been running since Friday...

Feeling dreadful isn't surprising, Smallbear because you've had one heck of a lot happening over the last few days and you've been living on your nerves. Just think what it would be like, though, if you had Twerp barging into the house at this moment, demanding to be fed and yelling at everybody because things weren't 'just so' - he was a negative in your life and not a positive.

You're not alone and you're doing so well.

Keep on going - be as kind to yourself as you can manage. You have a whole MN thread here routing for you!

Hi smallbear tried to post last night and failed! Just wanted to say so great you are being firm clear and consistent, it must be really really hard to keep up. And I wish I could buy your ds his shoes - but hopefully without this taker leeching off you, money will soon become slightly easier? Very best wishes to you.

^I don't know if he would of hit me he said he doesn't believe in hitting women. He used to shout at me though and stand over me im 5feet tall he's near enough six foot and I didn't like that. His voice is very loud shouts over you so you can't speak.

I don't know if he would of hit me I witnessed him hitting the oldest a few times and of I stood up for her o was told not to interfere it's his daughter he can do what he likes. He said the ex agreed they could smack as punishment I didnt agree with it , it upset me but he said that's how he was brought up and all that Jazz.^

Oh, he'd totally have hit you, and this post confirms it. The only men who talk about 'not believing in hitting women' are men who hit women. The rest of them don't feel like they have to declare that to make us feel safe. Apart from which, he DOES hit women, doesn't he? Just young ones.

I really want you to believe this, because I think you're in more danger than you're letting yourself accept.

Oh Yes - except I think it's 'you were' rather than 'you are'. He'll find a new mark as soon as he's managed to make the moves on some poor woman down the pub - the sorrowful and lingering glances, the delicate trashing of the OP's mental state (she'll probably be the talk of the steamie for a bit although I doubt that will concern her), the concentration on his children to make him seem sensitive etc......etc......etc.

Oh you got that right cozie he talks about the love for his children a lot but all I witness is him not having much time for or yelling at them in reality.
His number one concern is himself that will never change.
I spoke to an old friend today he was with someone I asked how it was going and he said 'oh we split up Xmas three kids was to much to take on' I said well I've got three that's a bit offensive he said sorry I didn't mean it like that just makes me think shit like would all men be the same I have no faith in them.

Get some faith in yourself before investing it in shitty men.

I think that that's right. You're a strong woman - you've had to be to start to be pulling yourself out of this - so concentrate on that and your boys. Maybe you'll meet another man who enjoys you and the boys and maybe you won't - but either way, if you learn to like and enjoy yourself, you'll make a better life.

You're doing so well.

If u find man who loves u unconditionally then yes they will take u and your kids. However stop thinking about that hes made u think he was unique and that u were lucky to have him. Utter rubbish a man will come into your life when u know who u are and what u want. And u have learnt what u dont want.

Call a local dog charity and explain you can't look after him anymore. Stop waiting for his friend to get back to you, the dog is one more way to get to you.

As the dog owner needed to get rid of the dog, and has managed to do so, how likely is he to take it back? I think you're probably stuck with it now, unless you do leave it tied up in friend's garden or ex's mum's place. Or find a dog shelter. Did you try the dog board on MN? Here

No the dog has chewed a whole in my sofa while I've been at work it's because he has not been walked in a few days because how can I walk him with three kids and one in the pushchair he's not a small dog he is strong and pulls on the lead. I've got Thursdays afternoon and Friday off work im planning on sorting this then. Previous owner hasn't got back to me for some reason. I can't have the dog chewing all my stuff he isn't a pup either he's four. It's a shame I suppose he needs walking but my youngest has been unwell all day and I can't walk him whilst pushing buggy it's impossible my mom said she will start calling around tomorrow too. He did make me feel I was lucky to have him take me on with kids I even thought that after my friend made that comment it was the first thing that I thought :-/

Put an advert for a dog on something like gumtree, pets at home, or a local FB selling site. For a small fee or even free.

My friend adopted her brothers dog, but couldn't cope with her and sent her to a lovely home for free on gumtree

Do you live anywhere near any of the shelters listed for this organisation? They can mostly be called up until 20.00 as far as I can see.

It is irrelevant whether a man is prepared to enter a relationship with a mother.
If there are none that will, then you stay single.
You don't take on some shithead because there's nothing else available.
Single is better.

But you'll find loads of people on here with kids have met lovely men/women.

But you won't, whilst you're tied up with an arsehole.

Been off here a couple of days and just caught up. Well done so far Small bear. We aren't all total ws. The dog really is a priority here for 2 reasons. The dog needs exercise and not to be left indoors so you need it gone. The other reason is the obvious one of cost. It is going to be up to you by the sound of it. You need some breathing space. A friend or a relative to walk the dog perhaps or a few days off work on compassionate grounds (this won't help with the cash though unless you can take holiday) If you can then use this time to rehouse the dog but in the meantime put an ad in Gumtree like someone said earlier. Your ex hubby also sounds bloomin rubbish! £160 and he hardly sees them. I am guessing that he is totally unapproachable?!! Would he really see his kids without shoes?? Possibly time to swallow pride and ask. Sell the telly or at least the chainsaw. Forget the ex asking for cash as he's history so sell anything and when he asks you threw it away. It's you and the children now and you won't have a problem finding a man....but leave it more than 6 months so you can find your feet and be yourself. Warm regards. Mark

Please don't use gumtree/the paper to try and rehome the dog. Unless you can do actual home checks - and know what to check for - you're more likely to be sending the dog to a nasty end.

If the dog is a specific breed there is likely to be a rescue for that breed. If he's a mixture, then canine defence or the local dogs' home would likely take him. Please don't abandon him anywhere, though it's clear he can't stay with you.

Ask at the vets, put a notice up there that he needs a home. Also at Pets At Home. There's the dog board here too which has been linked in earlier posts. Even ask at work if anyone might be willing to give him a home? Does work have a warehouse/workshop full of potential new owners?

I know it's the last thing you need to be doing but you probably have to get a little proactive in moving this dog along. It wouldn't be right to return him to the uncertainty and irresponsibility he's known before, though in truth that's just not an available option.

I wonder how much did he save by living off you smallbear. He owes you.
And give the dog back to him. you don't have time to look after it or look for a new place for it, he should do it.
He is a nasty piece of work.

I'd disagree, partly, bluebell.

Smallbear certainly doesn't have the time or money to look after the dog nor does she really have the time to find a new place for it but I feel that she has to try the latter in order to feel reasonable about herself and her future life. The dog is an innocent in this matter and if she gave the dog back to Him, I suspect it would be kicked a few times and dumped. It certainly wouldn't be looked after properly.

I'd be visiting the dog board (already linked) and asking for advice if I were her - and failing that, having him taken to a rescue. (Also already linked.)

Sorry guys I am off work tomorrow so am sorting the dog out tomorrow I did get my brother to walk him last night though as he needs exercise he was walking with him at ten last night. He's a staffie so there are homing centred for this breed but they are also the dog least likely to find a home due to bad reputation. He is a lovely dog if I had time for him I would keep him.
My nan has a few days now I'm at the hospital today all open visitinf hours at the moment she hasn't woken up since yday. So just a matter of time now my sister is on her way back from Manchester today. My friend is collecting boys from school.
Mr nice has been in touch he text me off his sisters phone last night my brother was there so j had some support in that I I didn't respond as maybe I would of done last night. He said he loves me and misses me and that he knows he hasn't been supportive but that he can change please talk to him blah blah I do miss him I can't help how I feel he was part of my life for 18 months everyday and now he's gone.
Maybe things with my nan have helped in some weird way in the face my mind hasn't been able to process other things as much. I cried in bed last night but I'm not a robot I did love and care for him and I can't just switch that off I've been here before and it is a grieving process.
I'm dreading the wkend or the next few days when I get the call to say my nan has died mom just rang now and my heart sank but she is still here she's on morphine now. Post again soon guys

Of course you miss him and can't 'switch off' but you need to remember that what you're missing is the thought of him and not the nasty reality. If he came back, it would likely be only days before he'd start abusing you and the kids/dog again and in any case, you could never trust him again. You'd be forever waiting and watching for things to go downhill - which they would - so it would just be treading on eggshells all over again.

When you feel wobbly, go read your OP and your first few posts again.

I'm glad you'll get to see your Nan today. Are you to take the boys over even though she's likely out of it now? (The morphine etc.)

Oh bear, I'm so sorry about your Nan. It's a tough time for you and your family. I hope she's as comfortable as can be.

Your feelings with regard to your ex are normal. Sometimes, being alone can seem a daunting prospect so some tend to settle for anything. But being alone doesn't mean the same as being lonely. Whenever you're tempted to contact him, just remember the type of role model you're opening your door to, and remember your DC's. The need a life with no fear nor tension, nor a Mum who is struggling just to make ends meet with a mean and calculating husband.

You.Deserve.More.
And you've come so far. Don't turn back now.

Not husband (Thank God). I meant partner.