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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 12:00

Yes indeed - you don't owe him Zip. He's just continuing to try to control you and frighten you in some way.

I'm a little concerned about the phoning at work though - although I thought it would likely happen, it means that you don't have peace there to get on with your business and earn your wage. (You can block him at home but you pretty well have to answer the phone at work.)

Is there any chance of you getting a restraining order to prevent him from contacting you at all? Other posters may be better versed on that one and be able to assist you on this particular aspect.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 12:13

I dont know he hasn't rang again since he will come to the house I just know he will and then I will get the kids miss you routine I miss the dog Blah blah.
I'm on on my own in this office so no one else to answer my calls here I work for a kitchen manufacturer.
He does still scare me though can't help it even though I know he can't do anything just hearing him ranting at me as usual is enough for that dread to come back.
Least I'm out later anyway.

OP posts:
Jux · 16/03/2015 12:13

Re money, I would give him a bill for x months' back contributions to your household expenses, food etc, care of his children, washing etc, if he mentioned money at all.

If you were to work out what would have been a reasonable contribution per month from him, then it could help you see how much you've wasted on him financially, and then extrapolate that into how much of you time, effort and energy of yours that he's sucked out of you, not to mention how much of your emotional energy he's stolen and your self-worth and it just goes on and on, doesn't it?

passthewineplz · 16/03/2015 12:15

Try not to talk to him, he's just going to mess with your head.

Take the chain saw and the tv he bought to his sisters. Then he can't call you asking for his stuff.

Also tell him if he rings you again, you'll call the police.

passthewineplz · 16/03/2015 12:18

If he turns up at your house don't answer the door, and ask him to put his key through the letter box.

If he causes a scene on your door step call, tell him you'll call the police xx

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 12:18

I don't know if he would of hit me he said he doesn't believe in hitting women. He used to shout at me though and stand over me im 5feet tall he's near enough six foot and I didn't like that. His voice is very loud shouts over you so you can't speak.

I don't know if he would of hit me I witnessed him hitting the oldest a few times and of I stood up for her o was told not to interfere it's his daughter he can do what he likes. He said the ex agreed they could smack as punishment I didnt agree with it , it upset me but he said that's how he was brought up and all that Jazz.

OP posts:
educatingarti · 16/03/2015 12:19

Let your line-manager at work know what is happening - hopefully they'll be sympathetic and they need to know!
Every time he phones at work - don't enage. Just say "I do not want to speak to you. I am at work. Do not call me again." Don't engage with conversation about anything. Do keep a log of how many times he calls.

Jux · 16/03/2015 12:20

You know he doesn't miss the kids. Or the dog. He just wants things around which add to his image of fabulous family man and all-round good bloke.

Sadly, he'll undoubtedly find some other kids to not bother about soon enough. And another pet to leave someone else to look after. And another woman.

He's not bothered about the actual people. Anyone would do so long as they behave in the way he wants them to.

Stay strong against his pretend-pleadings and any other crap (he's ill, his mum's ill, he can't live without you blah blah blah).

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 12:22

he "doesn't believe" in hitting women ?

what a prince

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 12:23

My stomach feels horrible like all churning up and stuff :-(

OP posts:
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 12:25

Feel like walking out of here im all shaky and feel ill im so glad we haven't got kids together.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeanie · 16/03/2015 12:28

I would indeed write down what you have done for him, how many times you have fed him and his dc, and what you have bought for the dog you didn't want.
I reckon it will be £££.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He'll turn into a nastier shit once he knows this is for real.
You've dodged a bullet.

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 12:29

You cannot reason with him. Do not engage and most certainly do not give him the £100!

If he calls tell him you will go to the police, and if he ignores then you must report him. This is going to get out of hand and he will not stop until someone stops him. You need some back up and support. He needs to leave you alone and if he won't listen to you then he will have to listen to them.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 12:31

I've come to the conclusion that he ain't all there in the head I feel on edge badly my hands are shaking and all sorts im so used to not upsetting him and keeping him happy all the time.

OP posts:
momtothree · 16/03/2015 12:33

Hes thinking if excuses to ring. If he wanted you back he would be saying how much he loves you and misses you and the parcel wouldnt matter ... nor anything else for that matter.... imagine if you were losing someone you loved you would sell your soul. Stay strong. Put the phone down. Change your routine.

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 12:33

The only thing wrong with him is he is an abusive bully. Don't credit his behaviour with anything more than that.

Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 12:51

I've had the love you miss you before. That will come soon and that's when he's worse I prefer it when he's horrible makes it easier in the long run. But words are just that.

OP posts:
momtothree · 16/03/2015 12:55

I think those on this thread have shown u more love and concern than he ever will.

Holdthepage · 16/03/2015 12:57

You owe him NOTHING, not even your time. Don't argue with him just put the phone down.

Cabrinha · 16/03/2015 13:08

Doesn't matter if he does miss the dog - hound's going to the pound. He wanted a dog, he can go collect and pay to feed and take time to walk himself. You know he won't. Because he is lying about missing the dog.

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 13:15

He doesn't 'believe in hitting women' ? And when did that charming little nugget arise in conversation?

Please tell me it wasn't in the context of 'If it wasn't for the fact that I didn't believe in hitting women, I would............'

PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 13:38

Can you record calls on your work phone? 'For staff training purposes'? Whether you can or not, tell him, with your best bored recorded message voice that 'some calls will be recorded for staff training and monitoring and may be passed on to the police.' write it down and read it out! 'The police' bit usually does stop them dead if you are firm and do not reply to any of their agenda. Just do not reply, say nothing to him in reply. Say bare minimum if he carries on: stop calling, all your calls are being recorded for illegal harrassment, stalking, bullying and abuse. (THThere might be others I am not aware of). These are VERY serious offences. You should report it to the police. Your employers have an obligation to help you out here too and should have an understanding of what they are allowed to do.

PeaceOfWildThings · 16/03/2015 13:43

Take a break and eat shoomething to calm your nerves. Only deal with what you jnow. You can stay calm now. You have thebupper hand. You are the strong one with the law on your side. When the shashakes and the emotion rises, don't act on it. Wait and think through in a calm and quiet way. Or just put him out of your mind altogether. Treat him like a pest. Squash him. Phone down. Gone.

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 13:45

You have no reason to talk to him - it's your house, you have no children together and no joint financial matters and you're finished. (Thank Goodness.)

I wouldn't engage with him. At all.

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 13:47

BTW - can your phone system at work block specific numbers? (EG - his.)

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