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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Someone talk to me am I slowly losing it

580 replies

Smallbear86 · 13/03/2015 14:01

Right I can out of a marriage two years ago for the last 18 months I've been with someone else.
He worked away the first eight months of that we did all the introductions slowly with our children blah blah he's been home a year now. My ex husband cheated I caught him and was left alone with three boys aged 8months to six years at the time.
My new man hasn't moved in but stays most of the week he brings his children here two Girls every other wkend he's still got a room at his moms which he pays £90 a week for he is on good money.
I do struggle for money I work part time but everyday and don't earn much my out goings are high. My partner stays a lot eats at mine his kids eat there too. I never really ask for any money and he never offers me any he's really tight with money. My ex pays a small amount of CSA but I asked current partner would he lend me ten pounds on Thursday to buy some shoes for my youngest son as his were ruined his reply was im not here to supply your child with shoes.
Last week my car was off the road he was off work I asked if he could take me to the school which is a few miles away to collect the boys he said I don't like your kids in my car they ruin my car this was because of one incident where my middle son got mud on his seat.
This really upset me I started to walk to the school to which he followed me and told me to get in the car and later said sorry but it was already said.
If I ask for money he moans his head goes in a sulk and doesn't speak for an hour then says sorry a few hours later and offers it but this is rare that I ask because I know how he will react.
He got me a dog a few months ago which I didn't really want but it was going to end up in shelter if I didn't take him and the dog has kind of all been left to me and he even moans about buying the dog food and asked me for half towards the dog bed it was his friends dog!
He shouts at me for trivial things like he moans of my house is messy or if I do anything wrong like make mistakes or just anything really he calls me stupid and if I dare to question him or stand up to him he says he's going home and walks out and goes back to the room at his moms.

I walk on egg shells I just wonder where it's going and what's going to happen I do love him he has some good ways most people do but I feel so unsupported i struggle to buy food and clothe the boys I do not expect him to clothe my sons or anything like that but a small contribution to the house would mean so much but I daren't ask him.

I get so upset at the hurtful remarks the put downs and then he acts nice again or somehow I've ended up saying sorry!

He puts on a nice guy act for others he's good looking and a charmer everyone says he's always smiling but Behind closed doors I see the real side which makes me feel crazy everyone else loves him.

I'm scared of bein alone he does not really go out drinking much and he's good in other ways but I don't think he accepts the children like he says he does he has little time for them and often shouts at my middle one as he says he's annoying but I'm nothing but good to his daughters who can be annoying also but that's kids for you.

I cry most days I thought we would of moved in by now or he would support me more emotionally and finically like I said he is on a good wage. Am I asking to much I've changed so much I'm not me anymore.

Please don't judge me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 14:46

Yeah we used to be able to press ignore on calls we didn't want but phone lines changed Xmas so can't do that anymore which is a pain in the ass ! I've got the dog issue his late hasn't replied what can I do with him the dog ?

OP posts:
Holdthepage · 16/03/2015 14:53

Can't you drop the off at his DM's, as that is where lives? The only other option would be the nearest dog's home where they would try to re-home. What was his mate going to do with the dog originally? The dog shouldn't really be your problem.

AlternativeTentacles · 16/03/2015 14:54

The dog - really should have been dropped off with the rest of his stuff.

If he calls back just either hang up or say 'look I have more important things to worry about, so you need to take the dog and leave me alone'.

Original poster
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 14:58

Well he was moving into a flat that couldn't have animals he asked 'him' and he asked (bullied) me into taking him in as previous owner wanted to know he was going to a good home. All I can think is to to contact previous owner but on the other hand he can sort him out aswell this is his problem really. I haven't really got anywhere to leave him at the moms it's a block of like apartment flat things.
He needs to really come and collect the dog or sort something out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 14:59

His friend has not replied to my message on facebook prob on purpose

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 16/03/2015 15:06

The dog is the least of your worries. Do not range over the dog. Call the nearest shelter. Tell them that you have dumped an abusive boyfriend who is refusing to collect HIS dog and need to leave it with them as you can't have it.

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 15:12

I would take the dog to a shelter/dog's home - otherwise it is just another excuse for him to see you.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/03/2015 15:22

Trouble is, the standard answer from shelters tends to be "we're full with a waiting list"

Does your ex know anyone decent, with a space in front of their house which has a gate? I'm wondering if you could drop the dog off somewhere like that - obviously they wouldn't be pleased, but then they'd contact him, not you, to collect it

You could even attach a note to the dog's collar saying whose it was ...

Jux · 16/03/2015 15:32

Yes, take the dog to a shelter/home. It really is not your responsibility. The friend probably got on to him when he got your first communication and was told "oh she's a bit cross at the moment. Don't worry, it'll blow over. You know what they're like, women huh".

Maybe if you try once more, telling the friend that the dog is going to the shelter tomorrow so if he wants it he can collect it there, then he may take it a bit more seriously. It won't matter to you either way, as the dog will be at the shelter by then. Please don't keep it. Your abusive x will only go round telling people you even kept his beloved dog ....

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 16/03/2015 15:55

Please, whatever you do, do not talk to this man. Not even texting or any form of messaging. He sounds exactly like my ex (except for the bringing a dog into my home... Had my own anyway who absolutely detested said ex). I haven't read the entire thread but from what I have read lots of people have said about involving the police... You can threaten him with the idea of calling them however unfortunately if you did go to the police they wouldn't actually do anything. They'd say it's a "domestic problem" and would only intervene if there was any actual physical abuse. I found that an extreme let down on their part because although I didn't have any physical scars or bruises that wasn't to say I didn't suffer mentally and emotionally. The money situation sounds the same too, he was on approx 2k a month and contributed absolutely nothing to the household, I paid every bill, cooked meals, done his washing etc. He said that because I done all of that he'd put money in a separate account as "savings" and we'd split it equally. Fast forward to me chucking him out, he laughed at me when I mentioned the savings and said I wasn't getting a penny. He basically cleared the house of material things, all we had left was my bed, sofa, my ds's possessions and a cooker! This was because he'd replaced all of my items that I had before he moved in, saying "he wanted us to have OUR stuff not MINE"

Cut a very long story short, he constantly bombarded me with calls, turned up at my house and let himself in many times. In the end I changed my number, changed the locks and told him to fuck off out of my life. He did exactly that... I don't think he expected me to stand up to him. Just stay firm and don't speak to him

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 16:02

op, have you asked on the doggie topic what is best to do with the dog

they might be able to tell you somewhere local you can take it to

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 16:11

Every - I think whoever you spoke to at the police weren't doing their job properly.

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 16/03/2015 16:24

That's what I thought, but I did question it and spoke to more than one officer but got the same response. I also contacted a solicitor, she told me the exact same thing however I could apply for a non molestation order if I wanted to go down that path.

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 16/03/2015 16:31

Had hunt through emails for this but this was the very first response I got regarding the situation.

Dear Miss ***

The problems you refer to below fall under the remit of a civil dispute so the best advice we can give you is to speak to someone at Citizens Advice or a solicitor. In the first instance though you may want to consider changing the locks so that you don't have the worry of him accessing the property. Sorry we cannot help any further but we are only able to advise on criminal law and this is a civil issue.

Kind regards

cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 16:32

Pets are difficult in real life - not only are they innocents (so you find yourself thinking 'Oh it isn't his fault') but if it's the boys' first pet, say, they're likely going to be much more upset by its going than that of the twerp.

It absolutely has to go but I'd be generally reluctant to let Him deal with it. He clearly doesn't care about the animal and is just using it as a controlling thing. (Not just the punching incident and the dog's general treatment but the fact that he's being kicked out and all he can phone up about is an ebay item! If he cared at all, his first thought should have been the dog.) Without someone to give it to, I think he'd probably dump it.

smallbear - maybe post on The doghouse board and ask for advice, linking to this thread if you want?

Have you been in touch with DBro today?

AccordingtoSteve · 16/03/2015 16:59

I really wouldn't want to give the dog back to him anyway, I wouldn't trust what he would do with it.

So sorry you have had a crap day bear I second who ever suggested you let your work know what is going on, you may find some good support there.

Original poster
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 17:01

No haven't spoken to anyone currently at emergency walk in clinic with my youngest son who is really unwell had a phone call off childminer :-/

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 16/03/2015 17:03

Does that scupper the visit to your Nan then? Everything seems to come at once sometimes.

Jux · 16/03/2015 17:20

Oh dear, poor smallSmallbear, I do hope it's not serious and that he recovers quickly Thanks

catzpyjamas · 16/03/2015 18:39

Hi Smallbear, I've been following your thread- you've had great advice and you've done so well Flowers
Wrt the dog, you could look at rehoming shelters like Dogs Trust www.dogstrust.org.uk/ or Rspca www.rspca.org.uk/home and contact them to arrange rehoming. Message the previous owner and say that you plan to rehome the dog but if he'd prefer to take him back can he please contact you by xxx time/date, otherwise he will be in xxx rehoming centre.
Hope all works out for you

Original poster
Smallbear86 · 16/03/2015 20:10

Well I got home after three hours in that place and he was sat outside my house saying he was going to walk the dog! I said no your ok but I need G number to sort out the dog he said no it's ok I will sort it. I said can you go please he was like why what have I done please tell me what I've done well he already knows so what's the point in asking really.
The kids were all like D are you coming in he was like not today kids.
He said please can we talk I said no I've just come back from the walk in with DS he isn't well I need to go inside he asked what was wrong I said he just isn't well (like he cares really) he was like I really want to talk to you why can't I get through on the phone we can sort it out. I said the kids were listening and I didn't want them hearing it all
He sat in the car for a while then drove off. He looked like he wanted to cry tbh but I was really short with him. Think he knows im done this time. He asked what post office I used for the stupid parcel I told him he said he's going to try there and for me not worry well I wasn't thanks!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/03/2015 20:15

I might be wrong here, but I really, really think you have to disengage. Distance yourself and stop interacting with him. Literally blank him. I know it feels rude, but politeness is not your friend here.

currentnameinuse · 16/03/2015 20:33

I agree - stop engaging. and I would have given him the dog and told him not to bring it back.

FushandChups · 16/03/2015 20:36

I third that advice - with everything else going on, you don't have the time or energy to engage in any of his petty little attempts to drag you back in.. ignore!

AnyFucker · 16/03/2015 20:37

You did very well outside your house this evening. Well done for sending him off with a flea in his ear. Did you realise you named your son ?