Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

I feel like I have so many thoughts and feelings and memories whirling around in my head about it all that I don't know where to start or what to say.
Another poster said that it wasn't safe to express anger when they were being abused. I felt the same way. I would have been rejected for being angry and/or had anger directed back at me. So I turned it all inwards. I suppressed it all. I do remember when I woke up to find his hands in my underwear, he gave me the most fucking smug smile. To me it said 'I can do what I want to you because I know you'll never speak out about this'. I was so angry about that and still am.
Therapy has helped me to realise that he groomed me (well, my mother too) for several years before he thought I was worn down enough for him to abuse safe in the knowledge I wouldn't say anything.

Sorry, posted too soon.
The fact that he actually planned it enough to invest years grooming me makes me want to throw up. I spent ages telling my therapist that I didn't think that anyone would intentionally wear a child down and spend years earning their trust in order to abyss them. I just didn't think anyone would have that kind of malice in them. It just seemed so alien to me. She kept telling me that people who abuse children generally do do it intentionally and that I have trouble believing it because I'm approaching it from my own frame of reference -that because I would never do that, I would then assume that no-one else would either.

My abusers deliberately set up a situation where my sister and I were separated from our parents. They pretended go be my parents' friends but even as a young child I could see they didn't like them - it was so obvious. My parents are extremely naive and immature and that made us easy targets.

God that's terrible cailin, I'm so sorry. It still shocks me to the core that a person would do that. I just cannot comprehend it.

There are seriously fucked up people in the world Bisley. We are not those people. We are ordinary people who were very unfortunate to be targeted by the fucked-up ones.

That's very true cailin. Sometimes I honestly think 'why was I unlucky enough to be targeted by someone like that?' It seems so unfair.

It is unfair, Bisley, totally unfair. You have every right to feel that way.

My dh was terrified people from his past who "knew", fellow victims, would tell or go to the police and he'd be pulled onto public
hence why he broke his relationship with our Dd as he didn't want to ever be accused of inappropriate behaviour with her.
he also is emotionally an angry shout teen, as is she.
for him he also has the same sex offender which leaves him so ashamed
I just cannot comprehend mothers who aid this.i swear his mother allowed it as part of her mental illness. She was so Paedophile hysterical with the grandchildren, how was it she was so oblivious with her youngest child? She was deep in munchausens at the time it started. I think she wanted it to happen.somehow.

It must hit you now, as mothers, how'd they let you down?
Where they aren't involved, how do you forgive their naivety?

I don't forgive my parents, shocked, not at all. I would totally have forgiven her if she had in any say tried to repair the hurt but she just told me I was trying to make her feel guilty when I tried to talk to her about it. She made out it didn't matter, I was overreacting. Which makes it more obvious as to why I was a target I suppose.

Stylist - would you consider telling your DH?

I'll never forgive my mother either. She either knew damn well it was going on or, as dh said, she displayed a shocking lack of care in her parenting. I reckon she knew, as no-one can be that blind. Everyone I've told about what he used to say in front of my mother, have been disgusted and shocked that she didn't react or seem to think it was wrong.

I was only about 9-10 when he started saying things that would come to normalise the abuse that would later come. It was a bit like how people who go on to physically abuse their partners start with smotional abuse to lay the foundations of what will come later. I knew when that started that what he was saying was wrong, so it's inconceivable that my mother wouldn't have known too. My brother was quite vocal about how gross he found my step-father. My mother ignored him.

I was a kid in care in the 60s 70s all my childhood was spent in 'care' after being abused at home as a baby.
There are investigations ongoing into one of the childrens homes I lived in.
The abuse was always much much worse in the foster homes, in those days, anyone could and did foster.
I reported abuse on many occasions,to teachers, social workers, other kids in care,foster carers covered for each other, nobody chose to hear.
As a child In care, I had no one who cared. Lots of people were paid to look after me, they were getting paid to abuse me.
As an adult in my 20s I reported to the police and took part in a documentary on child abuse, I appeared as a shadow with a fake voice,I was deep in fear and shame,people still didn't believe.
That was over 20 years ago, people are listening and believing more now, thank goodness.

I'll never forget having an (unrelated) argument with my mum when I was about 14, and her saying "it serves you fucking right that you were raped".

Nice, middle class family. Huh. Had completely forgotten about that.

Wow elfina Your mother was evil to say such a thing! How dare she use what happened to you against you.

My mam died 2 years ago but I have never blamed her. I now look at my 6 year dd and think how the fuck did my mam not know what was going on.
I feel let down, angry and just confused. I don't want to be angry at my Mam because its my brother who abused me but how did she not know or help me

Can I ask you all. How has your abuse affected your sex life? Don't answer obviously if it is too personal. I find it hard to even engage in sex. I can

Sorry post too soon!

I can have sex with dp but I'm not taking part iykwim.

I just feel like I can't touch him it makes me so anxious.

Have any of you over come this?

LucyBabs Truthfully, I don't think I could have a sexual relationship with anyone other than another woman if anything ever happened to DH.

I have sex because I'm married, and it's expected, and DH didn't sign up for abstinence, but I simply don't want sex with men any more. I find it hideous.

How much of that is down to my past, or how much I would have felt anyway, who knows.

I'm sorry I meant in my last post that I can't tell DH about certain bedroom things that freeze me, but I have told him everything about my abuse (except the details). Like you lucybabs & keepit I sometimes struggle with sex & that's why I usually have to drink about half a bottle of wine beforehand. DH has noticed this and has stopped making advances on school nights iykwim? I think it works for us, I've tried but sober sex makes me squirm. moonraker I totally understand you. My situation was similar to yours until I told DH & he was so supportive & said he'd had an inkling something wasn't right. But as I had been well & truly groomed from an early age, I felt compelled & obliged to play along at happy families?! So I know what you mean saying how fucked up is that. I was 28 when I told DH & he said if you don't do something I will, best thing he ever said to me. I confronted the paedophile by phone & told him to get out of my life or I'm telling mum. Well, do you know he said he'd leave. Next thing I know (4 wks later) he left my mum because he'd 'had an affair & met someone else' whatever. Fuck off. Never seen or spoke to him since, that was 11 yrs ago. I never felt I'd have been able to do that.
When I was going there for Xmas dinner etc & he kissed me on the cheek I wanted to vomit. People don't realise how hard it is to break free from abusers, it's like you fell as though that you want to portray an image of 'I'm lucky in life, nice house, lovely family' eeuuggh when I think of the hold he had over me. No more. but I'm still a mental health fuck up on the inside

I am struggling to feel like I should be 'allowed' to be part of this group but I'll tell my story because for years I've been struggling with a dilemma about this.

When I was a kid, aged 5-12, I spent a lot of time at my best friend's house, sleeping over. At night, if we were sleeping in the tv room, I would awaken to someone sitting next to me. I'm afraid to go into details here. Not sure if it might be a trigger for some.

I never figured out if it was my friend's brother or father but I think it was her dad. I never told her about it. I didn't even tell my own parents until I was in my 20s. By that time, the dad of my friend was dead. My parents were devastated.

My friend's sister and her are now estranged and the sister has made comments to her about 'protecting' her. I suspect the sister was abused. I'm not really sure about my friend. The sister is now a 50-something alcoholic, my friend has always had trouble with choosing the wrong men.

I can't tell her. She adored her dad, although she knew he was a major fuckup too (alcoholic etc.).

It's a terrible secret that I hate holding. The one I feel most sorry for is the sister because I think she feels totally alone. Their mum did nothing to help and I have a feeling she knew as there have been conversations about 'something' happening but 'mum did nothing about it'.

So that's it. First time I've ever shared it. 30-something years later, my gut feeling is to let it lie because I can't cause my friend more trauma than what she's already been through in her life because of her ex-H.

Moonraker..I'm so sorry for what happened to you and that you are facing this alone. (and everyone else on here)

You are very welcome Finding. I understand not wanting to stir things up with your friend. It's a very tough situation.

Thank you for joining moonraker. Would you ever consider telling your DH?

stylist
I can't remember the last time I had sex with dp sober.
Its always after a drink and even then it isn't good sex because I am just about involved. Dp tries his best but he doesn't understand.

I would love to get to a stage where I feel comfortable and can just do what comes naturally.

I had a light bulb moment after speaking with a friend recently.
I trusted my brother my abuser. I thought I was special or that we had a special relationship bare in mind I was 9 or 10 so very immature.
When I realised as a young teen he had abused me I felt foolish and stupid.
I have grown up always thinking this way about myself. At school, college and jobs. I thought I wasn't capable. I was and am my worst critic.
I believe this stems from realising I wasn't so special and that my brother abused and manipulated me.
Can anyone relate to this?