Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse

[cailindana]

I started a thread some time ago as a support for people who suffered sexual abuse as children. It went on for quite some time and I think people found it helpful. It fizzled out for various reasons but I'm thinking now is a time to get it going again.

I was abused as a child, by two family friends. My family entirely ignored it, and when I tried to talk to my mother about it she basically told me to shut up. It affected my life massively as a teenager and led to some self-destructive behaviour in my twenties. But with the help of my massively supportive DH (without whom I don't know where I'd have ended up), MN, and some really great friends, I feel like I've dealt with it to a large extent and it no longer has such a hold on my life.

This thread is intended for people who want to talk about their experiences with abuse - either themselves, or those they love. You can share as much or as little as you like. You can just come on and say you're here, you don't have to contribute anything. This will be a safe space to chat to people who understand what you're dealing with. Hopefully it will help.

LucyBabs

I can understand where you are coming from. I have been told for many years that I'm too hard on myself, people ask my why I'm so hard on myself too. I can hardly turn around and say that it stems from abuse... When I realised that what was going on was certainly not normal, I felt so used and dirty (still do really) and so utterly stupid for 'allowing' it to happen. I blamed myself and it has carried on into other aspects of my life.

I find it incredibly difficult to trust people now too and when I get close to someone I often end up telling them I am not good enough for them and I try to push them away. This is certainly more common with men (either friends or partners) than women. As for bedroom activities, there are certain things I just refuse to do. Some things are not to everyones taste anyway so that does not really matter, but there are a couple of things that would be considered 'normal' that I just cannot do/have done to me.

It's scary to think just how damaging this all is.

If I'm honest moonraker it sounds like you need to break away from your abuser, for your own sake and your children's. Do you think your DH would help you to do that?

Moonraker until recently I was still playing happy families.

Nobody knew my brother had abused me for years or so I thought.

My sisters knew what had gone on. My parents not alive anymore so I'll never know exactly what they knew.

I am now NC with my brother. I am led to believe my sisters and two brothers are also NC with my abuser. I'm not sure I trust any of them.

Its so very hard to stand up and say "this happened to me"

I have done this in a round about way and there has still been fall out.

Whatever you decide to do if anything I know your dh would want to know and help you as best he can

may I ask for advicr please, its a rather sensitive situation..

I can't give advice I'm afraid. I've learnt just to say things from my perspective & yours may be different IYKWIM?
Thanks for your support other posters, I feel relieved that some of you can acknowledge similar situations to my own.
My last post was a quick synopsis & I'm conscious of some people thinking 'its not that easy' & I agree. Confronting my abuser (albeit by phone) was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had a big speech prepared but when I started talking to him I was almost apologetic for putting him in that position. In the words of moonraker how fucked up is that?!

Tell us the situation Solija and we'll try to help.

I'll happily try to help if I can.

moonraker my parents live 10 minutes drive away. I thought I couldn't break contact with them but I have and its brought so much peace.

I've been no contact with my parents for about two weeks. Today I receive an email from my father apologising for that he did to me. I have no idea what to do.

Generally, not being in contact with them has been the best decision I've made but this was something I wasn't expecting.

Jesus Caulk that must have been a shock. What did he say?

That he had ruined his life and mine and that regardless of what will happen in the future, he will always loved me.

Wow caulk that's unbelievable, of course I believe you though!

How do you feel?

I stupidly thought my brother would do something similar. It would make things in my family less stressful

My knee jerk reaction is to contact him and say that I will get in contact again and that I'm so sorry for making him feel that he has ruined his life by what he has done to me.

It's never been acknowledged before, to the point that I went through stages imagining it was happening.

I have no clue what to think or do or say though, so I'm just ignoring it for now, until I've processed it in my head.

I've been through those stages of imagining it happened. It is horrible, because you know deep down it did happen

This is your confirmation that it happened. He is admitting what he did to you. I know I would have to eventually reply. I have no idea what I would say though sorry x

caulk he's frightened. You are in control now & he knows it. He's trying to groom you by telling you he has ruined his life too. I was subject to this at one point. By teaming you in this it's almost suggesting 'how can we work it out' go NC. Don't get involved in him making 'its our little secret' FFS I feel nauseous at the memory. Be brave. You've lasted two weeks x

Completely agree with stylist

You're so sorry? For what?? As stylist says, he is grooming you, setting you up to accept responsibility for his crimes. Please don't get sucked in.

How are you doing?

I'm so sorry for making him feel that he has ruined his life by what he has done to me.

No. You didn't make him feel like that. You don't have anything to be sorry for. I think you are wise to not respond or react while processing it.

I hope you don't mind me saying that the one thing not to do is destroy it.

I'm not sure if it's appropriate, or I'm allowed to post here, but I am the mother of two children now aged ten and six that have been sexually abused by their elder stepbrother. I don't wish to intrude on your thread so if someone could let me know if they are alright with me being on here that'd be great.

Thanks.

Thank you for the wise words everyone. I've seen that he had emailed again, but I haven't read them. They have my old email address, so it's fairly easy to ignore contact, and I have been.

It feels very odd to hear him apologise. I never had a desire for that, just for it to stop/never have happened.

Of course you can post here Opies. Sorry you're facing such a tough situation. How are things for all of you at the moment?

Good idea not to read those emails Caulk. He is manipulating you.

Caulk I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and Im glad you are taking care of yourself by not reading.

Opies you aren't intruding. Sorry to hear about this - your children are lucky to have a mother who has acknowledged what happened (many of us did not have that) but it must be so very hard for you too.

I can completely relate to the feeling of "did I make this up?", especially as the people I confided in have never spoken of it since, and treat it as though my disclosure didn't happen either.

I can't think of any other reason the abuser would have hurt the tummy of a 4/5 year old, in what felt like a rhythmic punch, if it hadn't been abuse. I can't think of any other reason I thought about being a little animal hidden away under a bush as it happened. I can't think of any reason that giving birth felt exactly the same as the time he hurt my tummy. I can't think of any reason I wanted a plaster for the bleeding and couldn't understand why a plaster couldn't be put wherever it was that I was bleeding.

Perhaps I just dreamt he threatened to kill me if I told anyone, but I remember being being very afraid of that for a long time.

Perhaps there was a different reason my parents found bruises on me, and can remember any other details of that incident, and strangely can't recall why I was injured like that.

The cruel part is that memories aren't clear, especially as they were buried for so many years. Why are some parts undeniably clear while other parts muddled? It causes doubt and confusion and is cruel.

I would love for someone to say that recognising the pain of birth is typical in a person abused as a child, but nobody has. I'd love for someone to say being abused feels like rhythmic punches to the stomach. I'd love for someone to say it's obvious that you were abused, but instead of that I have a DH who doesn't really want to talk about it, a mother who only talked about it once (the first time I broached it) and then never again, and it all makes me feel like I not believed.

In fact, I have a question for everyone -if you feel you can answer it - do you have to prove yourself all the time, as though your default setting is that nobody will believe you? I do that for everything, from needing antibiotics to changing shoe size!

Caulk must have been a shocking email to receive. Can I ask if he has specifically admitted abusing you or has he just said "what I did"?

Because I would sit on that for a while and then decide if I wanted to go for a historical prosecution. (Spoiler alert: I would.)

A couple of people recently posted that disclosing about the abuse would "tear the family apart" or "set off a bomb". I would counter that by saying that any family that allows one member to abuse another, continuously, needs to be ripped apart in order to become healthy, or to wither away.

Alice Miller, who wrote dozens of books on child abuse within families, pointed out in one article that the child victim in an abusive family is often the only healthy member. All of the other family members are engaged in denial and covering up the truth.

Her books can be pretty heavy going but I would recommend "The Drama of the Gifted Child" and "For Your Own Good". When I read her explaining that understanding the reasons for the abuse did not mean that you had to excuse the abuse, it was like a weight lifted off my mind. I had been brought up to constantly excuse bad behaviour (especially my dad's) on the grounds that "he's just like that" or "he had a terrible childhood so you can't blame him". To understand that actually, yes I could and should be REALLY FUCKING ANGRY about it was a revelation.