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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please give me the strength to leave him...

185 replies

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 16:23

my boyfriend treats me ( I think but maybe I'm overreacting ) really badly he upsets me most days but still I'm with him hanging on for the days hes nice, which there are a few but I cant seem to find the strength to leave him as I do love him
I dont really know what I'm looking for on here as I know everyone will say leave him just like that but its hard so just someone to talk to I guess
any advice would be great thanks

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bobbyelle17 · 08/03/2015 22:56

I don't know if he loves me...He gets sick to death of saying u know I love you and me replying no I don't....if the roles were reversed though that would upset me id made him feel like that and id try to put it right

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NorksAreMessy · 09/03/2015 06:51

good morning Bobby another day begins.
Are you feeling strong? You did so well yesterday, the list must help to give you strength.
You CAN do this
No contact again today, but try to do something positive as well...bag up his stuff? Get some fresh air? Bake a cake?

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 09:14

hi norks...I'm at work today so thats a good distraction its the night times I struggle...I do miss him badly even though that sounds so stupid after reading that list...begs the question what do I actually miss?!?!

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ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 09/03/2015 09:39

You feel guilty because he's spent a huge amount of effort making sure you do, to keep you putting up with all this. Whenever you raise something with him about the way he treats you, he acts all hurt and offended and you have to apologise!? That's a way of making sure he never gets criticised or has to own up to how unpleasant he is to you. It's worked, because look, you still feel guilty just for telling us about the truth about what he's like. That's not being mean to him, it's just the facts. Whereas how he has been to you is mean, but he's managed to make you think it's all your fault.

You've been very attached to him because you've been desperate for the affection and attention he can give you and he doles it out in such tiny amounts it always leaves you gasping for more. It's like you being a dog and getting kicked and cursed all day and then being given a scrap of food. You're desperate for the scrap, of course you are. But unlike a dog, once you see this for what it is, you can just walk away, look after yourself, and maybe meet someone nicer. Even if you're single, you will be happier without this.

Don't think of being single as somehow lacking something. By getting rid of this clown, you will be gaining something - more happiness, more stability, and freedom from this miserable cycle of putting up with a load of crap in the hope of a crumb of "niceness".

It's like when I gave up smoking. I read a book that said you're not losing smoking, you're gaining lungfuls of clean air. It really helped!

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 11:55

to zoomzoom....I often feel like a kicked puppy keep going back for more and I tell him this he says that's stupid...I honestly don't know why I do it I guess as you say in the vain hope of that little crumb of kindness

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ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 09/03/2015 12:11

Bobby I hope you don't mind me using that as an example - obviously you are not his dog! :o But just to use that example again - if you could decide what happened to his actual dog, wouldn't you choose for it to go and be with someone nice and kind who would love it and give it what it needs? I'm sure you would. The same goes for you.

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 12:44

No its a good example as I sympathise massively with his dog...with both serve a purpose and ge claims to love us both but I don't think cares about either...

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bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 13:28

I'm too bloody soft to everyone I wish I had more guts...I'm currently sat at work being spoken to like crap by my boss and belittled infront of my workmates to feed his ego ...The same boss who tried it on with me but I lied to his boss about it so he wouldn't loose his job recently
feel angry at everyone today sorry I'm ranting...

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NoPillows · 09/03/2015 14:02

Bobby i'd strongly recommend you spend sometime reading the baggage reclaim site.

Sounds like the issues with your boss would need a whole other thread but essentially you need to work on your self-esteem and confidence.

I've been in a relationship like you have described but i suppose the difference is he kept breaking up with me then getting back together; even going so far as to declare that I was the love of his life once I'd gone NC. I went running back only to be dropped again weeks later. This kind of shit knocks your self-esteem!

I can assure you I waited at least a couple of years for the good parts. I look back on it now and think what an utter bastard! I couldn't quite explain why I loved him at the time but just felt that I did and he was worth it. I did eventually go NC and expectedly he tried to get in touch but I used the little self-worth I had left to stay NC. One of the best decisions I've made tbh!

You are worth so much more than the dregs this man is offering you. It will not be easy but it will be worth it for your sanity and self-esteem. No-one should live a life walking on egg shells wondering if things are ok... As pp have said count yourself lucky you have no dc or house contract with this man! Neither did I and I cant tell you enough how much of a lucky escape I consider that I had.

As for work, maintain a game-face and if you feel it necessary to bring this up with HR then do so. Don't live a life welcoming others to walk over you then thanking them for doing so!

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 15:09

Thank you I'm trying my hardest to be strong but feel very weak..

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TheSilveryPussycat · 09/03/2015 15:25

Your wrote: I often feel like a kicked puppy keep going back for more and I tell him this he says that's stupid.

and you've also mentioned other times you tell him how you feel and he dismisses your feelings

Your feelings are your feelings. And they are valid, as your list shows all too well.

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 09/03/2015 15:36

You're not weak – it actually takes a lot of strength to endure all that unpleasantness. It's just that you've been using your strength in a way that doesn't help you. All you need to do is turn it around and put yourself first and defend your rights, instead of protecting people who harm you. Why did you lie about your boss? It's as if you feel if you do these things for people, they'll appreciate you - and of course they should. But they won't, because they are nasty to start with. If someone treats you badly – your obligation to be nice to them is over. You sound lovely, but it's OK to save your kindness and protection for those who deserve it – starting with you.

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 15:55

zoomzoom....I feel broken by it all thats why I feel so weak, I lied for my boss as if I didnt he would have lost his job for sexual harrasment..he was meant to be a friend but he overstepped the mark but I didnt want him loosing his job over it I'm just gutted at the way hes acted since
re the estranged boyf I guess I do desperately think the more kind things I do one day he will notice and be kind back...I'm learning from advice on here that may never happen Sad

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ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 09/03/2015 16:17

I lied for my boss as if I didnt he would have lost his job for sexual harrasment

So? Good! He should lose his job for that. You can still report him for what he did to you, if you ever want to.

he was meant to be a friend but he overstepped the mark but I didnt want him loosing his job over it

Why? These men should lose their jobs. The more we all say no to mistreatment of women, and make sure men suffer the consequences of it – such as losing their girlfriends, losing their jobs, going to prison if necessary – the more we will stamp this crap out, because men will realise it's not on.

Men do not somehow deserve your love and support whatever they do to you. I know it's a big change to start seeing things that way, but I think you will be happier if you can make that change.

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 16:25

like I said I guess I'm too soft :( I treat people how id like to be treated but I dont get it back

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ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 09/03/2015 16:30

But I think the difference is, you probably wouldn't sexually harass someone, or emotionally abuse your partner. I agree it's a good thing in general to treat people how you would like to be treated. But if another person treats you badly, then that doesn't apply any more. If you keep being nice to someone who treats you badly, they take advantage and get even worse. It's just about having those boundaries where you say "no, you don't get to treat me like that". It doesn't matter if that person then doesn't like you - because they are horrible and you're better off with them out of your life.

It's OK to be "soft"/a kind, caring person, in fact it's a great quality. Just not to horrible people who are trying to hurt you.

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 16:36

I shall try and have better boundaries....I just bit back at my boss in the office which is crap as I just look disrespectful n no one knows the reason why....
its easier with him as theres no love there but I do put up with far too much in my relationship, its not like ive never said excuse me thats out of order or you've upset me I do all the time he just never listens

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bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 17:18

the more I think about things the more angry I get with him I'm thinking this is the way to be I need to keep that angry feeling for a bit so I don't get walked over again by him ....

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bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 19:16

feel like cracking tonight and talking to him just to try n get my side across but I know it will probably do no good....is anyone about on here to chat to???

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ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 09/03/2015 19:22

Hi Bobby I can't be on for long as I'm catching up with work but just popping in to say hang in there. Instead of thinking about him, can you find a project to do, line up a film to watch, phone someone else to chat to? Do a hobby or research a new one? Or spend some time online looking for supportive websites about your situation, there are lots. You may find forums that are about emotional abuse specifically, where you can chat about your feelings, and/or start a new thread on MN asking for people's positive messages to help you resist getting in touch with him.

Will think of you this evening.

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 19:24

thank you Smile

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TheSilveryPussycat · 09/03/2015 19:49

The Emotional Abuse support thread is a god-send - it's helped me and many others.

Lots of useful links in the top post.

Keep strong!! Anger, especially the steely kind, is good.

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 20:29

thank you I will definitely have a read of that ....

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NorksAreMessy · 09/03/2015 20:53

Yooohooo bobby
Here we are waiting to talk either sense...or nonsense...your call

bobbyelle17 · 09/03/2015 21:34

hi norks :) that made me actually lol..I'm here not spoken to him not replied to the I love you why wont you talk to me msgs but sent my boss a msg telling him hes a prick instead...that may have been a mistake but I'm sure he'll cope lol...at least I havent messaged him or answered him so a successful night so far anyway despite the boss bashing....

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