please give me the strength to leave him...

[bobbyelle17]

my boyfriend treats me ( I think but maybe I'm overreacting ) really badly he upsets me most days but still I'm with him hanging on for the days hes nice, which there are a few but I cant seem to find the strength to leave him as I do love him
I dont really know what I'm looking for on here as I know everyone will say leave him just like that but its hard so just someone to talk to I guess
any advice would be great thanks

He's not going to though is he. You cannot change that. You are only in your 30s. You have so many years ahead. Don't waste another moment on this arse. He sounds utterly horrid.

I spend the best years of my life, mooning over a tit of a man. I thought I could make him love me. I couldn't. I left him 15 years ago. It was hard, but my God, I'd hate to think that I'd spent those 15 years still with him. I now know what happiness and love feels like. Don't pull the plaster off bit by bit. Rip it off. It hurts but the sooner it's done the better.

OP look at your thread title. You're asking for support to leave him – because you know this is not what you want, you know he's harming you. Well, here we are, because we know about this type of man too, and we know how much happier you can be without him.

Do you want your DC to see you modelling this as the kind of thing to expect from a relationship – whether they are boys or girls? Give them something better.

MN will always support you in this.

I feel like hes taken every shred of self worth I had so now it's so hard to leave him....maybe that was the plan :(

Yup. Or not the plan, but just how these men work. He needs to prop himself up by feeling superior to the woman he is with and that she loves him more than he loves her. To do that he needs to keep her down, starved of affection and validation and with zero self-esteem.

However, he hasn't taken every shred - you have self-worth deep inside you because you know you need to get rid. Don't think of it as losing something, but what you gain – freedom from what he's doing to you, the chance to rebuild your happiness, and being available to meet those better men. Those are all gains.

he does all that....always withholds any affection I pretty much have to beg ( or keep asking for even a hug ) I never get a kiss until he's leaving even if I ask or he hasnt seen me for days....ive wondered for months why someone would act so cold to someone they love???

if I make a stand for once and say I will not put up with this anymore being made to feel so worthless and make it clear that I will walk away is there any chance of him shaping up? ive never been that firm before....

He may shape up for a while because he will sense that otherwise you will leave. Most likely he will then revert to how he was. If at some point along that line you have a child with him, he will have more leverage over you and you will never be free of him.

My darling girl, you are worth so much more than this.

Can you try to not contact him just for this evening? Any time you feel the urge, come over here and talk to us instead.
You know he is bad news, WE know he is bad news, we will keep you strong.

No, not a chance. Sorry but the answer to your question why would you treat someone you love so cold is that he doesn't love you. It's not your fault. It's really hard to make sense of.

Time away from him is good idea. You need to let it sink in.

Someone here helped me to see it. This was my husband. I spent 13 years with him. Don't waste your Life.

So he treats you like shit, makes you feel absolutely miserable, and you don't even live together. Imagine your life in 4 years time, a toddler and a baby. How great will you be feeling then? How supportive will he be. Run, run girl. He doesn't love you.

And that's nothing to do with you being not good enough or anything like that, it's his failing. He won't be able to truly love anyone. These men are damaged and selfish.

Someone here told me being unloved by him does not make you unlovable. Remember that.

to norks thank you so much I dont feel worth anything atm....and u saying if I feel like I might contact him to come on here instead is just what I needed to here...I wish I had friends in RL like you ladies...
I am going to ignore all night I cant bear pretending I'm ok tonight if chatting to him or being honest n saying I'm not and hearing back well I'm going then till you cheer up...its so heartless and not a way id EVER treat anyone I loved or even liked!

to confusednc....I'm not saying your wrong as I dont feel loved at all! but why doesnt he just end it with me if he doesnt love me? why stay with someone you dont love and whos feelings/presence clearly annoys the hell out of him most of the time?
im just trying to make sense of things sorry if I'm ranting I'm just thinking out loud I guess....

your self worth shouldn't depend on what he thinks about or how he treats you. Please delete his phone number and block him on facebook and any other social media. It really is the only way forward.

Do you work - any chance of socialising with colleagues? Do you go to a gym or anywhere else you could make new friends. You have so much to look forward to and such potential for happiness without him.

First day of new you!

New you doesn't make someone a priority when you are just an option to him.
New you looks online for new hobbies, social life, new ways to make new friends.
New you has clean, non-bf-stinky sheets.
New you swears off all men for a good while, to regain equilibrium and to lick your wounds.
New you does something tomorrow that you know EXBF would have HATED but you have always wanted to do...dye hair pink, drink in a posh bar, spend an hour in the bookshop, learn to knit? What's on your list?

We are cheering you on.

Cos he's getting something out of having you around. What that is I don't know.

In my case, my husband used me to give him a child, clean the house, look after him. He didn't appreciate it though. Nothing was ever enough.

It's all just fucked up. My name comes from the circles I went round in my head trying to figure him out. You won't. It'll just keep you there longer.

You have no ties to him. Only in your emotions. if you have kids, where do you see this ending up? He's hardly step dad material if he does not treat you kindly at this stage. What's next? Move in together. Watch him treat tyour kids badl?

Sweetheart nobody can make you do anyThing. You need to come to your own conclusions when you're ready. Good that you're asking and thinkinG.

Sorry for typos. Phone weird on mn!

I do work yes and I love my job and my time there and get on with my colleagues great...the problem is I have 3 children and no one around me to watch them so I'm sat in every night on my own even weekends unless someone comes to me....
I know what he wants me for I spoil him rotten when I say I think there are problems in our relationship he says he thinks everything is fine...so would I if I was him he has it sweet!

Hows about...starting to think of yourself as someone WITH self worth? Would someone with self worth stay with this man?

In my experience, fake it til,you make it. Nobody needs someone in their life that doesnt enhance it. If this man is making you miserable then it really is time to break it off.

I'm not very good at faking it I feel so emotionally battered

wish I could stop crying and feel stronger :(

Crying is good for you and you will feel stronger in the morning. Let yourself feel sad about how he's made you feel and how he was a bastard to do that to you. It's OK to cry

Haven't read through the replies so sorry if I repeat.

The fact that you are questioning it and not asking for a solution says that you want out. Everyone has good and bad but you can't hold out for the rare good times. There will be someone else who will give you lots and lots of good times.

If you stay you are just giving him permission to continue treating you this way. It will not get better unless you do something about it!

Break it off. Do things that make you happy. See friends, go out, pamper yourself. Cut contact with him, just for a month. Ignore the calls, ignore the texts. If he contacts you a lot just simply say that you are taking some time for yourself and you will contact him when you are ready. Make it so you rely on yourself to feel good not him. If after that you want to sort it out then try. At least then you will know you are with him because you want him not because you need him. He won't meet someone else in that time, if he does you still have the upper hand because you are the one he has history with and you don't just turn feelings off. If he loves you and wants to make it work he will be there after the month wanting to change. If he's not then he wasn't the one and you have lost nothing. You don't want to waste any more time on him if he isn't the one, don't put up with it for another year just to look back and say why did I not end it sooner.

I put up with a marriage that was awful. My husband was controlling, he put me down and made my life miserable. We had great times, because he loved me and he really did but he was so scared of losing me that he put me down so I thought that no one else would want me. The relationship was about him not about us. He kept me to himself so I couldn't meet anyone else. I stopped loving him because of it, I hated him. I was putting up with it because I thought 'I'm married I should make it work', to prove a point to other people who said it wouldnt work, because of the house, because we had a child, because i thought he'd make my life hell if I left. Now I never did have the strength to end it, he accused me of cheating and left me, I didn't fight it, I packed my bags and I went and for 6months he begged for me back, for 6months he wanted to sort it, I didn't. I look back on it and think I should have left a long time before. I wish that I hadn't wasted that much time on someone who made me feel that way