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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please give me the strength to leave him...

185 replies

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 16:23

my boyfriend treats me ( I think but maybe I'm overreacting ) really badly he upsets me most days but still I'm with him hanging on for the days hes nice, which there are a few but I cant seem to find the strength to leave him as I do love him
I dont really know what I'm looking for on here as I know everyone will say leave him just like that but its hard so just someone to talk to I guess
any advice would be great thanks

OP posts:
iloverunning36 · 07/03/2015 18:58

Because he is emotionally abusive. I also suggest a nice bath and paint your nails. Transfer the attention you gave to him to your good self. You deserve better. Flowers

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 07/03/2015 19:03

I think you need to accept that he just is cruel, selfish and a bully. He just is. And therefore, you don't need him in your life. People can be cruel and have a "nice" side – if he wasn't able to be nice sometimes, he would never attract anyone to gain control over.

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 07/03/2015 19:08

You're not being annoying, really! You're just where thousands of women (and some men) have been, in a situation that is familiar to many of us on MN, and we want you to see it for what it is and do what it takes to get away and be happy – as so many women have done.

BuzzardBird · 07/03/2015 19:38

With every post bobby he sounds worse. I could weep for you, I really could.

You deserve so much better than this. You would be far less lonely on your own than you are with this 'man'.

Original poster
bobbyelle17 · 07/03/2015 20:01

I'm a mess tonight I'm sorry

OP posts:
confusednc · 07/03/2015 20:07

Nothing to be sorry for. Your head is telling you the truth. You need to listen to it and let your heart catch up.
Easier said I know, really I do.

I think it's possible that your previous abusive relationship means that it's harder to let go of this? You don't want it to have happened again? But you can't make this relationship work on your own. He simply isn't worth the effort. Binding him off. Enjoy your kids. Invest some time in you away from men. Need your confidence back.

confusednc · 07/03/2015 20:08

Bin not binding. Silly phone sorry!

BuzzardBird · 07/03/2015 20:11

I'd be more surprised if you weren't "a mess".

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 07/03/2015 20:20

But bobby, you feel like this because of him, and if you stay with him you will feel more and more like this. It doesn't feel like it now, but if you can care for yourself and be kind to yourself, you'll start to feel better. You won't if you stay with him.

Original poster
bobbyelle17 · 07/03/2015 20:34

I'm not allowed ANY emotion at all...I feel like a robot, if I cry or feel sad he goes mad if I say I'm stressed or disappointed he says I cant listen to this "whinging" I don't really know which ways up or which ways down anymore or whether my feelings are valid or I'm going mad....I think I know hes controlling if that makes sense? but not in the wont let me do things sense of the word so that coupled with I don't know if I'm just a whinger makes me unsure of my judgement/sanity about anything atm
please tell me I'm not going mad....

OP posts:
confusednc · 07/03/2015 20:37

You're not mad. These men mess with head till you think you are. Give self space from him. For ever preferably.

BuzzardBird · 07/03/2015 20:43

Your feelings are valid and if he loved you, he would care...unless he is has problems of his own obv.

Original poster
bobbyelle17 · 07/03/2015 20:48

my heads consumed with "whys" and I cant think straight because of them
why would u treat someone you love so callously
why would you put down the phone if someone is crying
why would you make someone think they are going mad when all they have done is desperately tried to please you
it doesnt compute in my head so makes me think it must be me...
sorry if I'm repeating myself it does help to write it all down though and try and make some kind of sense of it or at least try and get it out of my head because I cant even relax ignoring him with all this spinning round and round in there

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 07/03/2015 20:52

There is an obvious answer to those questions. When you can see it you will be on the up.

You need to find something else to think about.

Original poster
bobbyelle17 · 07/03/2015 20:53

what is the obvious answer? pls tell me as Im questioning everything I think/feel...

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 07/03/2015 21:04

Well in order for me not to sound harsh, how would you say you felt about someone if you treated them like that?

TheSilveryPussycat · 07/03/2015 21:08

OP, are you perhaps confusing the pain you are feeling for love? (I did this myself for decades Sad)

As for your question "why would u treat someone you love so callously?" - answer: you wouldn't. Therefore it would seem he does not love you.

StickyProblem · 07/03/2015 21:13

You are confused because you believe his words, but his actions don't match them, eg he says he loves you but treats you like crap. Start believing his actions instead. His words are just what he uses to keep you hooked, he knows the right things to say.

Hugs to you Bobbi Flowers

AlternativeTentacles · 07/03/2015 21:45

The obvious answer is that he is a complete cunt. Take it or leave it.

Original poster
bobbyelle17 · 07/03/2015 21:57

to sticky...thats exactly it its such a headfuck hearing one thing and feeling another it makes me feel like I'm not sure if his behaviour is mean or if its me because he keeps saying he loves me and tells me he is nice for that reason...You're right though he just knows what to say
I'm a little creeped out that someone is that practiced in just how far too push it but not too far if you get me? or how to break someone emotionally so they have no concept of how far is too far....
him and his ex are currently going through solicitors re a contact arrangement for his child as she keeps cancelling last minute the days they have arranged and blackmails him he wont see his child unless collects them now on days agreed to be her days ( I have seen proof of this )
anyway my point was a couple of months ago he read me a solicitors letter as he was angry about lies she had told her solicitor about him at the time I brushed it off as I know various lies she has told about him already but now some of the stuff she said is starting to ring true Sad

OP posts:
ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 07/03/2015 22:05

It's actually very common for men like this to say they have a total bitch of an ex who won't let him do this that or the other, demands money, is controlling etc.

Then it often transpires it's not her who's the nasty controlling one... it's him. Her reluctance to let him have the kids is because he's a bastard who is unkind to them or uses them as pawns. Her demands for money are because he defaults on maintenance. And so on.

Sweetheart, I know it's going round and round in your head and you feel confused, but that's because he's done a very nasty number on you. He's made you feel like you're the one who's not good enough for him, and you've believed him. But a nice man who is worth keeping would not have done that.

confusednc · 07/03/2015 22:06

Read the thread nettletea made on abuser profiles from lundy bancroft 's work. it's in relationships.

AlternativeTentacles · 07/03/2015 22:07

And a liar. Cunty liar.

Why do you keep going back? Why are you not learning from his behaviour?

If this is the sort of man that floats your boat, you really need some sort of counselling, so that you dont keep ending up wth this sort of man.

Original poster
bobbyelle17 · 07/03/2015 22:09

to sliverypussycat....thats an interesting idea, kneejerk answer id say of course not no one likes pain but I'm not sure I know what a "normal" relationship feels like...I was with my husband from very young for a long time at first he treated so well ( much better than current boyf ever has ) but slowly the nastiness crept in and that eventualky turned to full blown physical violence on an almost daily basis
I wouldnt be in a relationship with anyone I didnt love...part of the reason I'm stuck in this one as I do love him but if he doesnt feel the same why doesn't he just end it? he threatens to all the time if I say anything he doesnt like but maybe thats just to keep me in line???

OP posts:
Original poster
bobbyelle17 · 07/03/2015 22:14

No it doesnt float my boat at all!!! I hate it but get duped by the rare nice bits and try n brush it off by he was having a bad day etc and tomorrow it will be ok again sometimes it is but it doesnt last long

OP posts:
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