please give me the strength to leave him...

[bobbyelle17]

my boyfriend treats me ( I think but maybe I'm overreacting ) really badly he upsets me most days but still I'm with him hanging on for the days hes nice, which there are a few but I cant seem to find the strength to leave him as I do love him
I dont really know what I'm looking for on here as I know everyone will say leave him just like that but its hard so just someone to talk to I guess
any advice would be great thanks

Yes, it is to keep you in line.

He doesn't love you, but he doesn't end it because he's not in it because he loves you. A man like this doesn't love anyone. He is in it because having a partner that he can control feeds his ego and his need to be in control. Therefore he will always latch onto any partner who endures poor treatment and who he can play mind games on. It starts gradually because he starts small to see what you will put up with. The more you put up with, the worse it gets.

Some women, the minute they detect a "red flag" (as we call them) – a sign of abusive behaviour – just call it off and don't see the man again. So he naturally ends up with someone who either doesn't know about the risks and red flags, or who lacks confidence and is easily led to believe everything is her fault, when it's not. Growing up with an abusive parent, or being in relationships like this previously, can put you at risk because you associate that behaviour with what relationships are like – even at the same time as you know it feels wrong and painful.

A friend of mine had a partner like this – he was constantly threatening to leave her, as a way of controlling her. She left him. Of course, he begged and pleaded with her to come back and promised to change. Not because he loved her. But because he couldn't bear that she's stopped being controlled by his tricks and taken control herself. The "being nice" is used when it's needed to reel the victim back in.

It's not always true that a man like this deliberately plans it that way. It's just what he does because it works for him – he may not understand how or why himself.

I do know his ex has lied about him but I'm starting to think its 6 of one/half a dozen of the other
yes she had an affair.....I couldn't honestly blame her if in fact she spent years feeling like I do ( although I think he adored her )
and yes she has done some CRAZY CRAZY things to try and control him but maybe hes messed her head up badly too and its revenge or a desperate effort to feel in control again
I dont know just thinking out loud I dont want to give her too much credit tbh hes an arsehole to me but I think he was v.different to her and she is ( proven ) a nasty bit of work just some of the stuff written....
that he NEVER apologises u just have to forget he upset you
ungrateful/no effort is ever good enough
makes nasty comments and put downs
selfish
childish strops/tantrums
very quick tempered ( verbally )
this all rings true now ( and tbh did a bit at the time but I tried to brush it under the carpet as I know she lies )
I'm sorry for being so foolish and no light bulb going on sooner.....

Why would he end it, you treat him like a prince!

He has it all doesnt he?

If it doesnt float your boat, why are you persisting with the relationship?

You cant wish him to be the man you want. He is what he is.

bobby I think you need to start thinking about this relationship in different terms.

Instead of: Why does being with him make me so unhappy?

Change to: How much happier would I be without him?

Your mental health is taking a battering. You need to walk away sweetheart. I don't think you do love him. I think you want someone to love/someone who will love you. There is an ocean of difference. You're putting eggs in a bottomless basket with this one. And they're rotten eggs to boot. This man is no good. This man sounds like a total shit. And you deserve so much better than him.

Make a list of how he makes you feel. What's good and bad and what's right and what's wrong. Visualising the ever growing list of how crappy he makes you feel could be a useful. Use this thread to do it or start scribbling it all down on paper. Write down all the hurtful things he says and does/has done. Because it's one thing to think, "Oh, he's bad to me" but it's quite another to see it all in one place. As soon as you've done it, you need to ask yourself why on earth you're with this man.

You are not foolish. There are plenty of lovely, bright, caring, loveable and smart women who have gone through this. But you can learn more about all this and get wise to it, which would be a great idea. Stay around on MN too.

Google Lundy Bancroft, the Women's Aid Freedom Programme, and Emotional Abuse to start with, if you would like to learn to spot the signs and so on.

just to add....my mum was/is very abusive to me and my siblings and always has been...emotionally more than physically
I havent seen her for years but maybe thats helped to add to my skewed view of what love feels like?
ive had counselling for this and my partners violence btw and even tried mediation/joint counselling with my mum but she was too abusive even during that it wasnt felt appropriate to continue....
I never got any answers of why she is like that maybe thats why I'm so consumed with wanting to understand why another person I love acts so cruel to me...its just a never ending cycle!

to vinotime....thats a really good idea re the list would also help me when hes being nice to see that its all an act and hopefully give me the strength to leave ie 3 nice things on a list is not worth having to endure 30 awful things....
Ive known for a while the unkind things he does massively outnumber the kind things but ive been stuck in the they are worth putting up with the bad ones for and I'm not sure why as even saying it sounds soooo ridiculous! especially as his "kind" things are so basic things that people in normal relationships wouldnt even notice as they should be standard!
can I write my list on here at some point when ive thought about it? just so people can say if some of the bad things I put are overreactions?
that would be helpful as like I said I don't trust my own judgement nowadays....

Bobby do write your list here if it helps - people often use MN for things like that.

Sorry about your mum, I have a similar mum and it is bloody tough. But what strikes me is that you haven't seen her for years, and you called off counselling when she couldn't behave. That actually bodes well – you do have your limits, you are able to say no and walk away. Use that power in relation to this man as well.

It's not an endless cycle, it's a cycle you can stop. It's not your fault, but you can take control and stop it.

It's because you've been trained to pick abusers. And the only way out is to get off the merry-go-round and spend as much time as you need working through the feelings of an abusive childhood and abusive relationships have left you with. All that energy you've put into him is energy that belongs to you, that needs to be invested in you. You have the capacity to change because, unlike your mother, you have not become an abuser. The answers you seek, about why you pick abusers, lie within you, not the abusers. However much time you spend on trying to be 'good enough' for them, you never will - because they have no intention of letting you 'win'.

He doesn't end it because he enjoys the power games and he gets off on putting you down. There is no love there.

Please don't let your children see this awful relationship modelled for them any more. Thank god you don't live with him.

I havent spoken to him today and dont plan to....I hope I have the strength to ignore him..

YAY! Go Bobby . Take back control for your life

Not a single thing you have on your list is an 'over-reaction'. I can say that quite categorically and i haven't even seen the list.
If it is on this list because it upset you, then it upset you. It is that simple.

Great news Bobby! You do have the strength, it's in there.

right so heres the list to keep me strong ( I'm sure ill keep adding to it! )
nice things...
1 - sometimes he strokes my hair when we are lying on the sofa
2 - he makes me laugh
3 - I'm really attracted to him physically

bad points -
1 - hes emotionally selfish I have to keep asking even for a hug and then sometimes he says no, never kisses me or holds my hand
2 - hes selfish with money, lets me cook for him all the time and never treats me back or offers to go half for ingredients
3 - sexually selfish sex is all about me spoiling him he never does anything back
4 - hes obsessed with his phone googling football scores or whatssaping his mates even while we are sat there eating the meal ive just cooked him hes still on his phone
5 - hes never there when I need him twice ive been hospitalised since weve been together and he never came to see me
6 - hes cruel, takes the mick out of me if I'm crying or upset telling me I'm being stupid and hes not listening to this
7 - he makes me feel ugly and fat and makes comments about my weight even though I don't think I'm fat
8 - he is lazy and never wants to do anything fun together we just sit in watching films at night etc...weekdays hes at work weekend days hes asleep for most of it
9 - he doesn't look after his dog properly ( not related really but still makes me think bad of him )
10 - he blows hot and cold all loving one min n then pretending I dont exist/ignoring calls and msgs the next
11 - he lies..sometimes about stupid stuff that doesnt even need lying about

I'm sure there's more....Ill keep thinking.....

Yes, I was right

Any SINGLE one of those would make me think VERY seriously about ending this relationship.
As a list it builds a picture of a rather unpleasant individual.

You can do SO much better than this wankbadger

thank you ... I'm sure theres more but thats off the top of my head
I still havent spoken to him

You're doing so well bobby, proud of you

Bobbly wow that's some list! Actually, the dog thing is really relevant. One of the things people often say to watch out for is if a person is not nice to waiters, people working in shops, children or pets. A person who is basically nice, will be kind and caring, even to those who they won't meet again, or who can't do anything for them back, as it's in their nature. If someone is mean to his own dog it's definitely a bad sign.

Bobbly? Bobby

I often say to him the dog reminds me of me ignored most of the time but still faithful and grateful of any attention or affection he gets....the dog is there as it serves a purpose for him ie if hes lonely nothing better to do the dog is always there waiting to give him company....im sure he sees me the same as the dog! although he admitted the other day he loves me nearly as much as the dog he said he was joking but I replied if thats true I might aswell give up now as the dog is so badly treated ... then he got angry he hates me saying that about the dog and I admit I say it alot but its true!
I just got a romantic msg as I'm typing this...its only because ive ignored him..I wont reply

In that case, I would work on your relationship with the dog...he deserves better, not the tosspot.

ive thought of a couple more....
12 - hes very "poor me" - if ive had a bad day I should count myself lucky ive not had the day hes had, if im feeling stressed I should try living his life and so on and so on...
13 - he acts passionate about things but never follows them through...his child has a very unstable life with his ex which he keeps threatening to take her to court/phone social services/phone the police etc about but never does...
14 - hes so compliant with his exes demands..she says jump he says how high even if her demands are ridiculous...this is not a jealously thing on my part just hate listening to him moan about her controlling him when he never has the balls to just say no!
15 - the constant contact/msgs with the ex bickering about everything and anything...they are only meant to talk to agree childcare arrangements and he says he doesnt even want to speak to her but can never rise above it if she txts so I end up sitting there being ignored while he has a txt argument with the ex
16 - hes crap with money even though he earns a lot compared to his outgoings he seems to struggle making it last one payday to the next

god the list is getting longer n longer when hes good so to speak we have such a laugh together and such fun he says hes my best mate as well as my boyfriend but I wouldn't treat a best mate how he treats me
I feel guilty writing all that down now I sound like an awful girlfriend I do actually love him so much just all these things annoy me and he wont listen to my views on any of them...

Wow. So you're not even allowed to decide for yourself if he's your best mate? Even if you have no other friends in the world, this pathetic man is not your best mate. He's not even a friend.

Why do you feel guilty? You're entitled to your opinions and to your feelings. The way he treats you would make anyone feel hurt, angry and unloved.

You need to rescue yourself and, if you can, the dog. For the same reason. You are being abused and you deserve better.

I feel guilty as I do genuinely love him I dont like saying bad things about him and when I raise any of these with him and he says hes offended/ive hurt his feelings then I feel bad I dont want to hurt him or ever make him feel crap or worthless like he makes me feel....I know that list would if he read it thats why I feel bad ....

I know it's easy for me to say but the last thing you should be feeling is guility. He doesn't and he should.

That's the difference between a nice person with kindness and empathy and person with no respect for others.

He doesn't seem to struggle to say bad things about you. Do you really think he loves you? Don't you think you deserve someone who will actually be nice to you?