please give me the strength to leave him...

[bobbyelle17]

my boyfriend treats me ( I think but maybe I'm overreacting ) really badly he upsets me most days but still I'm with him hanging on for the days hes nice, which there are a few but I cant seem to find the strength to leave him as I do love him
I dont really know what I'm looking for on here as I know everyone will say leave him just like that but its hard so just someone to talk to I guess
any advice would be great thanks

I just don't get it though....I've spoilt him rotten for all this time even he says I treat him so well much better than anyone has before so why treat me so badly?

to xlilkaxx...I'm sorry you have been through that I've been there too my husband was very controlling and violent and I didn't leave for years as he convinced me I couldn't do any better....I should have walked away while I still had some confidence left and then maybe I wouldn't be in the position I am today....
I look at my daughters and son and cry...I'm not good enough for them I'm a doormat

You are good enough!

Someone once said to me, if a man came up to you and just gave you a brand new car because he saw you and liked you would you want him? I think most people would say they'd like the car but they wouldn't have felt they earned it, they wouldn't appreciate it as much as if they had worked for it, it would put pressure on. Some people may even think I could use this person to get what I want, I don't have to do anything for it. It wouldn't make me want the man anymore or less.

You saying you spoil him, well if he treats you bad and you spoil him what you are essentially doing is rewarding him for treating you badly. You are giving him everything without him having to earn it so he's using that.

When you do something nice for someone it actually makes you more attracted to them than them to you. The feeling we get for making someone happy is longer lasting and stronger than the recipient who is happy in that moment. Problem is if you give and give and give your mind then says 'i love this person' 'this person appreciates me' 'i like how it makes me feel to make them feel good', you feel a sort of love I suppose without them even doing anything.

Time to 'spoil YOURSELF' and your DC . All the energy you put into running around after him, you can now spend on you

Ok. another way.

The whole point of 'dating' or 'courting' is for you to find out whether you are compatible or not.

He just doesn't like you as much as you like him. He takes the good stuff and then is nasty to you, to get you to try harder. This is fab for him, as you ramp up the 'spoiling him rotten' so he gets more and more as time goes on.

The fact that you are here in the first two years, crying over him, doesn't bode well does it? Where do you think this is going to go exactly?

You tried it, you realised he just isn't for you, you move on.

Any other option just isn't going to be good for you, is it?

You can't MAKE someone be someone they aren't. You can't MAKE someone be nicer to you. All you can do is say 'Enough'. And move on.

Yes I agree, spoiling your partner rotten should not be necessary. Partners are supposed to plain old like each other without needing bribes - yes, people give each other things but ideally in a give-and-take way and not excessive.

I think you've done that because he's made you feel more and more like you're not worth anything in yourself, so you have to somehow make up for it.

What you need to see is that this is just his issues at work. He needs to keep you down because of his failings as a person. It says nothing about you, it doesn't mean you're a failure. If you can get away from men like this, you'll find you are fine.

You "don't get it" because you're nice and to you, being with someone being nice to them. He doesn't fit that pattern because he just doesn't work that way. For him, a partner is there to feed his need to feel superior and in control.

Opps that is being with someone means being nice to them

I havent spoken to him or called him like I normally would....hes probably in a mood with me now...I'm not sure how I feel today just a bit lost I guess....

Yay! Well done Bobby stay strong

Good for you. The first step is the hardest, hang in there.

What he thinks and his moodiness are not your problem.

The longer you are away from him, slowly your confidence will come back.

You deserve better. Even of you don't believe it right now. One day you will look back from a much happier plaace and think why did i put up with that for so long.

If you're 2 years in, it's not going to get better from here. You need to get to the point where you realise that you are the one doing all the work, changing things to managse his moods etc and he's doing nothing. It won't change. So you need to be strong and move on.

When he realises you are backing off he will no doubt make lots of false promises, try not to be swayed by these and see them for what they are so that you are not in the same situation or worse in a years time.

Living with disappointment and resentment from the person who is supposed to love you is no way to live and a terrible attack on your self esteem.

Stay strong OP. You're lucky you don't live with him or have kids with him so you can make a clean break.

My advice would be to keep yourself really busy and to block his number. Give yourself time to get over him, no matter what false promises he makes. Do it for yourself and your kids.

You will be incredibly hard pushed to find someone in your situation that has stayed together and been happy. You will find a million success stories of people who have left this situation and are much happier.

You deserve it. Hope you have a good day OP. Spend it filling your headspace with you and your dc not him.

I know what I need to do now its just so hard....ive noticed he lies alot.. I think, he obviously denies it!
for example.. I'm out for the day today with my daughter and hes on call he asked me to keep ringing him this morning to try and wake him up which I did but he kept not answering..I went to send him a message and it said he had just been online so I put i have been trying to ring but you're not answering I guess you're up anyway though as you've read my earlier msg ( when I woke )
he phoned about an hour later while I was walking to a show with my daughter shouting at me saying he had just woke up and how dare I accuse him of being awake etc when he wasnt...I tried to calm him down said sorry about 100x and asked him to stop as I was on a day out with my daughter and he was upsetting me but apparently i ought to think before I open my big fat gob! :( cant do right for doing wrong....:(

he asked me to keep ringing him this morning to try and wake him up which I did

Why? Not your problem, not your circus, not your money. Ignore. Or say "No sorry I'm busy". End of. He's doing this to try to keep you on your toes and string you along.

he phoned about an hour later while I was walking to a show with my daughter shouting at me saying he had just woke up and how dare I accuse him of being awake etc when he wasnt...I tried to calm him down

It's not your job to calm him down. "I did what you asked me." Clunk.

said sorry about 100x

Stop saying sorry, you have done nothing wrong.

apparently i ought to think before I open my big fat gob!

"You are being abusive. Bye". Clunk.

cant do right for doing wrong

No you can't, because he's setting you up to fail, to make you feel worthless, to punish you for ignoring him. He's stepping up his efforts because he doesn't want you moving out of his control. He's horrible.

Stop trying to do right by him, or do anything for him.

Sorry that should be "monkey" not money. Meaning this isn't your problem, your job or for you gto worry about. You want to leave him, Why do you have to do what he tells you? Answer: You don't. Not in a stroppy, mean way - just in a "meh" way. He can wake himself up, he has a phone, so he has an alarm clock. He's just trying to make you do things for him to try to keep control over you.

Oh and what he did, saying things that weren't true, denying what you know had happened, making you feel like you'd gone mad - has a name, it's called gaslighting and is a sign of an abusive person.

Just shake this twat off. You do not need to please him!

This was me this time last year to the letter. Leave him. I had a 6mo, and lived with the fucker. You don't. Make it a clean break and block and delete.

You and your children deserve better than this. He will get worse.

whats gaslighting? he lies when I know hes lying eg he hasnt read a msg when I know he has....his app must work totally different to everyone elses obviously!

If your daughter was dating this loser in a few years time, what would you think?

Gaslighting

gaslighting in his case is a means of making you think you are going mad by telling you white is black. He is trying (and succeeding) to make you doubt yourself.

Just tell him you are bored of it now and he can 'do one'. God, he irritates me and I'm not with him.

thank you .... he is irritating I know, I hope I'm not annoying anyone by keep discussing it though?

Not at all bobby, not at all. We are all routing for you I promise.

id hate it if my daughter was with someone like him...he actually thinks hes a good boyfriend and treats me well or so he says, shocking!
what he actually thinks is I'm a much lower being than him and my needs/wants or feelings are far less important than his
scratch that they are of no importance if he calls and I'm upset he will put phone down if I'm upset when hes here due to something cruel hes said/done he will say cheer up or I'm going...
it baffles me how someone can be so cruel