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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please give me the strength to leave him...

185 replies

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 16:23

my boyfriend treats me ( I think but maybe I'm overreacting ) really badly he upsets me most days but still I'm with him hanging on for the days hes nice, which there are a few but I cant seem to find the strength to leave him as I do love him
I dont really know what I'm looking for on here as I know everyone will say leave him just like that but its hard so just someone to talk to I guess
any advice would be great thanks

OP posts:
Lydiand · 05/03/2015 17:45

This sounds very familiar to me OP, the lack of any sympathy for your feelings. I can tell you that it will only get worse, and when it suits him he'll leave anyway.

Don't waste your precious life on him.

CtrlAltDelicious · 05/03/2015 17:45

You say you don't suffer from low confidence but I beg to differ.

If you don't view your leisure time as sufficiently precious, and your company sufficiently valuable that you don't want to waste a sigle second around someone who makes you feel shit, then you don't value yourself enough.

Why not try being single until someone comes along who really wants to make you happy?

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 05/03/2015 17:47

bobbyelle, he's not the boss of you. So he says you're oversensitive if you express emotions. So what. You are allowed to have emotions, they are yours, you own them and there is no law saying he gets to tell you what to do. Have your emotions, they belong to you.

The thing where you buy him a Chinese and he's ungrateful and rude. Stop doing it. Why would you? Does it do you any favours? - no. Your posts show that trying to please this man isn't working. Him being rude and mean to you doesn't mean you have to try harder - really it doesn't. It means he's not very nice. He keeps you hanging on probably because he enjoys controlling you and can't handle the idea of being rejected so he doesn't like it when you go cold on him.

You don't love him. If a friend treated you like this would you love them? You love the idea of what this is supposed to be like, but you're not getting it from him.

As we say on MN, LTB! Leave the Bastard. The good news is you don't have any kids or own a home with this sorry excuse for a man. Read a few threads on here is you want a grim warning of what could happen if you don't get rid now while it's easier in practical terms. There are a lot of men like this. Learn to spot them and just don't stand for it.

(I'm not suggesting it's your fault for putting up with it – it's his fault for doing it. But DON'T put up with it.)

Book yourself a trip to visit family, arrange to see friends, focus on something else in your life, block his phone calls, take no notice of him. Don't get drawn into a row. "Sorry, you weren't treating me that well, bye."

CiderwithBuda · 05/03/2015 17:53

I'm on iPad and struggle to do links but there is a fab post by Reality that you should read. Click on Relationships and it's the MN stickied top post headed 'Listen Up Everybody'. Please read it.

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 17:54

thank you I am VERY low confidence he makes me feel like I dont deserve more by making me feel like im overreacting to every nasty comment or every day he makes no effort but takes all mine
I do love him I dont know why? I want the person he sometimes is he can obviously be kind so why not do it all the time...why wouldnt you want someone you love to feel happy?
he tells me all the time he loves me but never shows it unless I ignore him

OP posts:
Lydiand · 05/03/2015 18:00

bobbyelle Talks cheap, it's how he makes you feel that really counts.

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 05/03/2015 18:03

You are right. It's staring you in the face. Why can't he be nice all the time (or most of the time) if he's actually nice? He can't because he's not. What you think is the "nice him" is him being charming. Many horribl;e men are charming, it's how they reel in their victims and keep them hooked.

Men like this latch onto women who will put up with nastiness and hold out in the hope of a little crumb of "nice him" once in a while. They roam around seeing who will put up with it until they find one who sticks. Don't be that woman. If we could all decide now never to be that woman, men like this would die out.

CiderwithBuda · 05/03/2015 18:06

You don't really love him. You love the idea of what he could be/should be. The him you thought he was when you fell in love with him. That him was a fake. This him is the real him. And you don't love how he makes you feel. And if he loved you he wouldn't make you feel that way.

It shouldn't be that hard at this stage.

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 18:13

thank you...why is it so hard to break away? He was nice this morning but think we are both ignoring each other right now

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 05/03/2015 18:14

You are either very young or you need some counselling to find out why you are prepared to waste your life on something going nowhere. He obviously doesn't love you it's just that something better (in his eyes) hasn't come around yet. He will leave you hanging on for years, making no commitment until he thinks the grass is greener.

Don't waste your life.

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 18:17

I'm not very young no :(

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 05/03/2015 18:24

It's hard to break away because he's made you feel worthless. That the way he treats you is all you deserve. That you are the problem. That you are lucky to have him. That by being nice to you now and then, you put up with his crappy behaviour. Many of us MNetters have been in relationships like this, hoping that one day he will morph into the nice guy we know he can be. Many of us also know that the day never comes. He won't change so you have to. Not by putting up with him, or trying to please him, but by realising you are intelligent enough to know that living like this is not what you want, deserve or need.

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 18:30

thanks I feel so sad tonight ... I'm ignoring him ( not that he's noticed as he hasnt made any attempt at contacting me ) I have no one to speak to in RL the one person I normally chat to a family member said can't we just talk tomorrow as there's a programme they want to watch on tonight :(

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/03/2015 18:31

I would think you do not love him but are instead in love with an ideal of him which is not real. Abusers can be "nice" sometimes but the nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Also I would think your love for him could also be rooted in perhaps any co-dependency issues you may have.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Do not waste any more of your life on him. He will not change but you can change how you react to him. Thankfully you do not live together so it is therefore easier to be rid of him.

Being with him actively stops you from meeting someone else. He does this to you because he can and feels entitled to do so; you are his emotional punchbag. Such men like this one actually hate women, all of them.

I would also suggest that you get yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme because this is for women who have been in abusive relationships. Such men like this one take a long time to recover from and you need to recognise the red flags.

ouryve · 05/03/2015 18:39

Moaning is a natural reaction when you're being abused.

Because that's what he is. Abusive.

You need to allow yourself to be angry with him for having the nerve to even try and oppress you like he is doing. And get the hell away from him.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/03/2015 18:39

Turn off your phone, have a bath, paint your toenails. Do something nice for you. Don't give him anymore head room, you've wasted enough of your precious time on this dumpling. There's always someone up for a gab on here for the times you're feeling down.

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 18:40

I don't know what to say....I'm gutted I've put everything into making him happy for all this time I can't bear the thought it was all for nothing
cant stop crying now

OP posts:
ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 05/03/2015 19:00

It was not for nothing. You can learn from it now you know to not bother with any man who behaves like this. What that means is you will attract the nice ones. You need to do this as a massive favour to yourself.

You know what OP being in on your own can be nice. You don't need anyone with you. What do you enjoy? I rarely get time to just do what I feel like but if I could I would have a big bath, with a magazine and a bit of chocolate, wax my legs do my toenails and have an early night with a good book. I would love that. You can love it too and see that it isn't some kind of less good place to be than being with a man, any man.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/03/2015 19:05

Don't feel you've wasted your time. You're learnt from it. The only time wasted would be your future, if you stay with him.

ZoomZoomToTheMoon · 05/03/2015 19:05

Or of course, MN to your heart's content and chat to people all over the world about anything you like :)

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 19:09

thank you all I have no one on RL to talk to

OP posts:
DeliciousMonster · 05/03/2015 19:10

Nothing is for nothing if we learn from the experience.

You have learnt that actually, he is not a nice man.

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 19:20

youre right hes not and he doesnt care about me...I just spoke to him ( plan of ignoring failed as I'm weak ) he said I sound moody/down and he will talk to me once ive cheered up a bit!
back to ignoring I think :(

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 05/03/2015 19:23

Can you block his number? How old are you both?

bobbyelle17 · 05/03/2015 19:24

I dont want to block his number I want him to care...I know that sounds so feeble and pathetic :(
we are both in our 30s with kids

OP posts: