Will my husband come back?

[orangeskins]

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

I'm speechless at all these stories of spineless husbands deserting their families for others WITH NO WARNING .

I know this is mumsnet but is this an exclusively male thing ? has anyone heard of any women doing this?

I salute the courage of those of you who have been through this and have come out the other end.

I think it's because many not all but many men are socialised and therefore programmed to see wives and families as something they are supposed to have but don't particularly need or want and are actually just a right old nuisance. It's fine until the hard work of children come along then they realise that "actually I don't want to do this and aren't the kids really a woman's job anyway? I'm meant for me than this hum drum life. Oooh look someone pretty and single and FUN because she has none of the responsibilities I had 50% responsibility in making, I'm off!!!"

Or maybe that's just my ex?

Yes Jasper. I'm a member of a support group for abandoned spouses and a few women have done the exact same thing. It's much more common with men though, who are I suppose crap at talking about things.

WHAT IS WIFE ABANDONMENT SYNDROME (W.A.S.)?

A woman has experienced WIFE ABANDONMENT SYNDROME if:

She believed she was in a good stable marriage until her husband surprised her out-of-the-blue with the news that it was over

She was completely unaware that he was thinking of leaving, or even unhappy

He moved out quickly (often with a girlfriend)

From the moment of his announcement, his treatment of his wife changed dramatically from protective to persecuting

This is from the book "Runaway Husbands" which documents cases like this and the twatists who do it.

Thanks Doctor - I did start a thread but I perhaps didn't explain what was going on very well. I'm finding it really tough.

Orange - I'm sorry there's someone else, that must hurt like hell. In my case, I think there's someone else in his mind but not yet actively. For me this started on 6 February not March. My tired brain made a mistake!

I'm calm at the moment though I have to organise an international move, get a child custody agreement sorted and try to keep my work going. It is so hard for me to understand that it came out of the blue after a lovely family Christmas...

I want to come home and be with my dad as he hasn't got long. The only thing that upsets my ex is the mention of my dad - he is completely cold and hard faced with me and even not that kind to our 3-year old dd who is very hurt and confused.

The fact that he insists on staying till the notice is out on the house is hard to live with. Three months to go in theory. I can't imagine how I'm going to cope that long with this situation though I don't love him any more - I'm just so angry with his selfishness and I think his inability to think about anyone else but himself.

I wish none else had been through this but in a way it helps me to see this is something that happens a lot. I've found a lot of people are unsympathetic and don't believe me when I say that this was so sudden. So thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

Isadorable we are living with them and WE struggle (even years later) to believe it happened as it did, so it's natural that others struggle.

I lost many friends over this because so many people did not believe he just left with absolutely no reason. He was so well thought of, so admired and people presumed something else must have been going on and I was telling porky pies.

My closest friends believed me, and I filtered out the wheat from the chaff and now have only loyal friends.

Rubssy - that's what is happening to me. My family and close friends are being great and everyone else seems to think I'm stupid or hiding something. This is one of those times where I am grateful for others sharing their experiences though honestly I am sorry that this is a 'thing' and so many men seem to be capable of doing it.

The judge was going to refuse our divorce because she thought it was an abandonment issue.

It was! Then he had to get into really nasty lie telling about me to get his own way ...and the divorce.

What he didn't expect was my daughter writing a letter clearly spelling out what a good mother I had been. Yes he even stooped as low as that and blamed my mothering.

I think she granted the divorce because she felt I was better off without the bastard......but I know he was sweating it for a while.

He did an underhand trick with the divorce itself. My solicitor wanted me to bring the divorce. He was going to pay half. While she was waiting for half the money he went and filed. My solicitor was furious. She said little to me, professional at all times, but all those mean tricks would go against him.

This is what you are up against OP. how can they turn like that! Search me. This all started five days after valentines day and I had the flowers and loving card to prove it.

You really need your big girl pants on at a time when you want to keep your head under the duvet.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there, done it and survived (if a bit scarred). It does get better, I am 18 months in and while I am going through an awful divorce, my life has improved a lot in many other ways. I totally understand the searing pain you feel. You must, however, try and focus on practicalities. Legal advice first and foremost, please gather up every single bit of financial information you can find. Why has he changed the password and can you access that account via the branch? Please also be prepared for there to be somebody else. As awful as it is, I was like you, thinking there was no way...unfortunately there was and it was somebody we had known for a very long time. He is avoiding family because he doesn't want to face up to what he's done or to have to justify his behaviour, my husband remains estranged from his family to this day. Denying the effect so the children is childish and deluded. You have to speak to them about it, you really must. Mine were 14 and 2 1/2 at the time, that has been very difficult. I would focus his mind on the fact you are going to seek advice. He may well be having a bit of a "midlife crisis" but at 30 is a bit young for all of that, however, you have to protect yourself and your children. Be kind to yourself, eat as best you can (I know how difficult that is), try and sleep, even if in short bursts. I SO feel for you, I really do, this is an utterly shit thing to go through and the shock is horrendous. Hopefully you will get a lot of additional support here. Good luck my darling x

I think things have moved on since you posted and I have just put a post that may have some outdated advice...will go back and read thread in full...

Just wanting to add my support to Oranges and everyone else in this horrible position. 22 years ago I was dumped, out of the blue with an 18 month old DD. I was little more than a child myself, I had no money, no home, no family support, nothing. I seriously thought about ending it all. Hour by hour, day by day I got throught it. After a few months he came sliming back saying how I was more like the person he used to know, out having fun, got my spark back - he didn't think perhaps it was him who put the spark out. suffice to say I didn't take him back.

I went on to have a fabulous life, got a job, went to university, have rennovated a house, I met someone else who I have been with now for 18 years and have 2 more children. Sadly we recently have been through a bad patch, our first in all this time. Possibly a hint of MLC for him, this is how I discovered MN. Fortunately my DP is nothing like the ex and his betrayal was fairly minor (though pathetic). He had no thoughts of walking out and is desparately trying to repair HIS damage.

The difference now is that I remember the strength I found all those years ago and know that what the hurt will pass. I will not tolerate any BS and know that I can manage, whatever the outcome. This gives me a sense of freedom, I am not stuck or trapped, the world is my oyster and I can choose what the next step of my life is. So can you Oranges. There is a reason that female have the babies, its becasue we are STRONG - love and hugs to you.

I was totally shocked when XH left, no idea he was unhappy. We had had a few stressful months with work, illness and death, but these things happen, he never gave any indication that he was unhappy or thinking of leaving. He hadn't duscussed it with his friends or brother.

He gave his mates wife a couple of lifts, spent time with her, fell for her and left just weeks later! Denying it all of course but his talk, his mobile bills and his email all told a different story.

Even then it took MN to make me see it for what it was, an emotional affair, because I trusted him so implicitly I never ever thought that he could do that to me! He then carried on a full affair behind his mates back for well over a year before she left her husband.

Shocking as all our stories are, it also proves one thing, that we are all survivors and have all got through it,

And if you are going through it , you WILL get through it.

Bravo Lotsofponies.

Two things I will say is that although I spent a LONG time on the phone to Samaritans and wishing I wasn't alive, the tables DID turn for me too.

I lost weight, got immensely healthy, moved to the big city, got a fantastic job, my DC is very happy, I have amazing friends, a much more fun and interesting life than I ever had washing his pants and cooking his dinner. I feel young again, happy again and am having a ball of a time dating and enjoying myself.

He, by contract, lives sad little life, lost a lot of friends, got demoted in his job, is in debt and never goes anywhere or does anything and he looks awful.

The second thing is that what LotsofPonies says IS true. After this has happened to you, it really does change you for the better. You navigate life knowing you are strong, knowing you can "manage" and the freedom you feel from that is immense and hard to describe.

So OP....if he does come back, that's great...but make sure you make him work for it.

If he doesn't come back...it might not feel like it but you won't feel sad forever. Eventually you will look back and be so glad he's gone!

Rubssy, your story is almost identical to mine, same month, same year too. I am so glad to hear you're picking up in the same way I am. I will never understand how another human being can treat you in that way. I have also had to tolerate the most vile behaviour from the OW, she is something else, I can't even begin to explain. I have to say, MN saved me, halfway through my second thread, I don't know what I would have done without it.

Orange you are doing amazingly well. As WWK (my sidekick!) so rightly says, every little thing you do is an accomplishment, it really is. That is why it is so important to be kind to yourself. If you're struggling to eat, do what I did and stock up on protein shakes, I had those instead. Lost a lot of weight but at least I had some sort of nutrition.

It really is a case of one day at a time. I still feel pain, I am still grieving to an extent but I have managed to build a life for my children and I. My husband on the other hand is a total mess, totally controlled by OW, has lost everything, has nothing but the clothes on his back, is dependent on her for everything. Has lost our DC. Is hugely overweight and has gone from a non drinker to a very heavy drinker. I am sure it will all be worth it in the end. Stupid ignorant arsehole whose cock was more important than the life we had built together.

One day, you will look back on this and thank God that you got out of this when you did. I promise x

Such a lot of horrible stories on this thread

But I will tell you something, what is really apparent is the amazing strength, dignity and spirit of the women involved....you should all be very proud of yourselves

Back2Two, I am an "abandoned wife". While we'd had a difficult time with our little boy (who has since been diagnosed with autism) and we were under a lot of pressure, I can honestly say that when my husband walked into the kitchen at 8 in the morning and told me he didn't love me anymore and was leaving, I responded by asking what he wanted for dinner and perhaps we could take DS to the Koi carp place at the weekend. I was completely and utterly blindsided. What has happened since and what he has done and how he has behaved is beyond description. My life as I knew it has gone, it went literally overnight and without warning. 14 years wasted on a complete and utter nutjob and I didn't even realise. I know there are very many like me, very many who will repeat the story, we've all got horrifically sad threads on MN but as Christina says above, it is heartening to see the strength that has come out of them and how we have all managed to pick up and get on. Interestingly, most of the husbands crash and burn.

In my case, we were struggling with both working, young DCs, stressful jobs, running a home and building projects etc. and we never made time for us, we didn't resolve disputes (not that we had big rows) and we ceased communicating. We were both unhappy, though I'm not sure I realised it at the time, but i just thought it was a bad patch and things would get better. My H was unhappy and is probably depressed and decided it was me that was the cause of this. This all happened over a year or so? So I knew things were bad, but no idea he was actually thinking of leaving until I was told it was over. He refused to see a counsellor "as that would be if we wanted to reconcile and I don't want to reconcile" and soon moved out. To this day, whilst I can understand how he was feeling I don't understand why he was not willing even to discuss if we could get things back on track. There was no OW (I know people won't believe that).

In contrast, many of the threads on here about women's wanting to leave their partners, they say that they've told their OHs that it's not working, often they've tried counselling, often a few years have passed and nothing has improved etc. so at least they've tried.

Backfor2

I know it sounds hard to believe, but I absolutely promise you that at the moment he walked out...I didn't think I was happily married. I thought I was the MOST happily married any human being had ever been, the the kindest and most honourable man on the planet.

Moreover, everyone else thought that too. Even his friends and family.

He did not just act content....he vocally and physically expressed on a daily basis how in love he was.

If anything, I would have bet that he loved me more. I never in a billion years thought he would ever, EVER do this.

What the hell goes on in these guys heads?

Backfor2

Let me set the scene....

The day before, we are sitting there, snuggling together on the sofa, my head in his lap. Laughing our arses off at celebrity juice. He can't keep his hands off me, just like always. We tell each other everything. We are so kind to each other and supportive. He still texts from work to say he misses me. I still run to the front door when he gets home from work for a snog. He still reaches an arm into the shower in the morning to feel me up. We are planning our next holiday. We are BEST friends. As close as two people can get. Completely in love. His mantra is that if I ever left him he'd die without me.

I absolutely believed that to be true.

Until he disappeared...

And not just disappeared but literally treated me as if he genuinely hated me.

Rubssy

Did you ever get any sort of explanation

Rubssy and Cassawoof - reading others stories makes you feel that you're not so alone. It's just horrible and I will never understand it. It's not even the leaving the marriage, if you're unhappy and want out, then I get that. What I don't get is the treatment afterwards. My husband had long planned his exit with the OW (she was also a very recent widow which led me to believe their affair had been going on before her husband was killed). By the time he had walked out of the door, he had sacked me from our family business, cut off all the utilities (taking the credit balances), cancelled insurances, even the house insurance, stopped paying the mortgage, cut off the Sky, phones, even my eldest's mobile contract (which he and the OW didn't want to pay off so they fraudulently set up the direct debit in my personal bank account). I could go on and on. Nobody understands it, nobody recognises this man, the OW absolutely despises me and encourages everything he does. Last weekend he was arrested and bailed for telling me that he hoped I'd die of cancer and our son should have been aborted (via text) because I'd objected to him buying our 4 year old a quad bike for his birthday without protective gear (our son is also autistic). He pays nothing towards us, has left me dependent on benefits. I am having to drag him (and her) through court to keep the roof over our heads and am self representing. My story is horrific, I have heard worse. I have made some amazing friends through this process, some on here, so all is not lost. However, I wish I had been more on my guard and less trusting. It has wiped me out.

I had lots of explanations. None of which made any sense.

Explanation 1: A week after he left, made by telephone call was that he could not live with me because was awful. He made a list of grievances, none of which he had so much as hinted at before and some of which were totally fucking bizarre (I left my shoes in his way, he did not like my Mum)

During that explanation he spat it out at me with the most pure and virulent hatred I have ever experienced. It was like "you actually expect me to LOVE you?????" He was sneering at me. I felt like it was a horor film.

Explanation 2: Three months after he left. He was depressed, suferring from mental illness and did not know his own mind. He retracted most things he'd said previously but just said he could not cope with life / my DC and needed to be alone.

Explanation 3: We had a wonderful marriage, he loved me very much and wanted to be with me but had to admit he had never been ready to take on DC.

Explanation 4: He had never loved me the way he thought he did, and he was sorry, he had believed it all the times he had said it.

I honestly don't think he fucking knows.

He's still completely depressed. A shell of a human being, and he never went back to who he was. He's a diferrent person. Never smiles or laughs.

I think he went completely nuts to be honest.

But I could try here to describe to you how hateful he was to me and it would be hard. I mean...he acted like I was an awful person and deserved it. He took my weakest points and biggest insecurities that he'd told me he loved about me and used them as reasons not t love me. He paraded that he was looking forward to "fucking someone younger". He laughed when I was crying.

It was a horror film. Like a complete psycho.

And before all that he was honestly the nicest person I knew. Mr Nice Guy

(if it helps, my ex had no OW and had not planned his exit but he had long felt "put upon" and that life would be "easier" alone and without DC. He also had serious debt problems which he felt would be easier to manage without me and DC to support)