Will my husband come back?

[orangeskins]

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

Orange

How are you today?

So very sorry to read this orange .

I would also inform the children's schools about what has happened because the staff can then keep a discrete eye on them.

Keep posting here too. The Samaritans will always listen to you as well.

Hi, I am ok today. He spoke with me earlier about collecting the dc on Saturday. He told me he had been sleeping with her about 3/4 weeks now.

That will no doubt be a lie, but you don't need this information anyway. Tell him to keep his sordid details to himself.

Ugh. What a total douche, to tell you information like that, as if you need to know the details.

You'll be fabulous orange. Disengage with him now. He is no more than a dog turd you'd scrape off your shoe. Make sure he sees your disdain of him - the cheating twat.

Thank you Christina. I believe if I can get through it anyone can .ive only gone into the slightest of detail here but believe me he got really nasty, always spoiling for a fight. I'm not going to go there and rake it all up.

So yes OP take advice here. Keep communication with him to a minimum, keep it businesslike. Protect your interests and assets.

Don't forget he's being driven by another woman who wants what she perceives is your life.. Don't trust him, whatever he says. From now on he is the enemy so keep him at arms length and treat him as such.

You might want to go to the gum clinic. I had too especially when I found out he'd been with prostitutes on his business trips here and abroad. Fortunately I was clear. But it could have been a different story.

He didn't find true love with the second woman that he eventually left me for. He told my so thatbe was leaving her when he'd finished working abroad.

Then he got cancer and was glad Tobe with her and now shesbeenleft the widow. That would havebeen me. Life has a funny way of working out.

It's a shame the cancer got him and all that chemo he had never worked. We want thesetreatments to work don't we? It's left my grandson very upset and my son.

Get as much RL support as you can. Samaritans are great if you cant sleep and do use them. Mind and relate also excellent.

Get out and about when it's his turn with the kids. Don't sit in moping. A good place to start is another woman whos been dumped. Fake it till you make it.

Have all his stuff packed away ready for him to collect. Shift all your photos, mementoes into the loft. No sad songs, our songs...lots of I will survive.

Keep your eyes and ears open for what he's up too. He told the court he was working away. Yes he was two days a week. I knew exactly where he was the other five. He thought I had a detective on him. No, I just had some good friends who were happy to report when they spotted him. He got quite para nous about that .

He might have won the first battle OP but you can win the war!

That should read ...he told my son

And para nous..is paranoid of course!

Ha! Ha! I remember that conversation. It was so funny.

By the end of it all I'd run rings round him and he knew it.

orange I thought that my Xh was my best friend. I now hate his guts. Apparently the best state to be in, is a state of indifference. I haven't reached that yet .

It is very much a grieving process that you are going through and you need to be kind to yourself while you go through it. You will have good days and bad days, but gradually the good days will get more and more often.

If there is a local Sure Start centre near you, then you may be able to attend play groups, or classes there and meet new people (although a lot of SS centres have been closed down :( )

You also need to realise that your H is now a very different person to the man that you thought that he was, so you can no longer trust him or believe anything that he says.

It always astounds me that these men can just leave their existing lives so suddenly when their heads are turned by somebody else. 9/10 times the grass is never greener and one day they do regret it, even if its years later, but of course it is far too late by then .

I'm dismayed to hear all this God awful stories, but am posting mine too because I remember when it happened to me reading other people had been through similar and how it all turned out was a lot of comfort.

My husband told me out of nowhere that he did not love me anymore in October 2013 and he left a few minutes later. It was the very first he'd ever mentioned any issue and I'd thought (because he said!) that we were amazingly happy together.

He went quite literally in the space of 10 minutes to being my best friend and protector to acting like he hated me. He did everything possible to harm me. Cleaned out the bank accounts and left me with nothing. Cancelled the lease on the house and left me homeless (I did not even have a job!), cut me off completely emotionally as well as mu child (his broken hearted stepchild of 8 years).

It was like a horror film. I look back now and still cannot quite believe how or why any human being I had loved and known so well was capable of such evil. It was beyond betrayal. He offered zero discussion or words of comfort to me and actually acted irritated that I was crying and seemed puzzled by my shock.

I was a wreck. An absolute wreck. I had no self esteem and I was in shock. When I say I was in shock I mean actual medical shock. I think it was a month before I could eat solid food (I lose 2 stone) and a year before I could watch a film or read a book.

I was left feeling like the very fabric of my world had been torn away.

As for how it panned out...he did come back yes. Three times, and left all three again just as cruelly.

Was there another woman? No there never was and still isn't. He is alone.

Why did he do it? He just decided he did not love me anymore. His personality was very weak. When he loved me and wanted me, he was adoring and supportive and kind and devoted and when he made the decision he did NOT love me anymore it was like a switch. I was no longer interesting or important.

Did he ever realise the magnitude of the pain he caused? I doubt it. He seems to not really care about anyone but himself.

Was he depressed? Yes. He was quite severely depressed and is actually still under the care of the mental health team. However, he was in absolutely no state to go clubbing! He still struggles a year later with social events.

As for me...I honestly promise you, I thought it would kill me. I could literally not conceive of living in a world where he had done this to me. I just could not understand it. We had a great marriage with no problems and a happy home. I wished I had died instead and had it not been for my child I probably would have killed myself.

Over time, very, very slowly, I did begin to feel better. I don;t cry anymore or feel sad or miss him. In fact his treatment of me was so heinous that I actually don't even remember him. Like there is a mental block where he never even existed.

I wanted him back for so long, and eventually realised I did not ever want to be with someone capable of being such a bastard.

I also had no money and a DC and no roof over my head and I managed to sort it all out.

Doing so slowly but surely made me realise how strong I was and how much better I was than him because I would never treat a dog the way he treated me and DC.

It is SO hard living with such betrayal and total abandonment but after a very long time you do realise life is a series of chapters and nothing lasts forever. You are much stronger and more capable than you realise and you WILL come out of this.

No new man yet, but I am dating and enjoying it and so glad I am soon to be no longer married to that bastard. I have a wonderful life now and he has a shit one.

I did NOTHING the wise ladies have advised here, but looking back...BOY DO I WISH I HAD!!!!!

My ex was my best friend, told me how adored I was, we were engaged, DC etc.. Then out of the blue one day with no warning he just went. Few days later I got the I love you but am not in love speech - I may come back, we shall see. Then he vanished. Wouldn't answer phone, ignored the dc etc. I thought oh breakdown, I worried and fretted. Months later I find out what he was up to. Foul online hookup profiles everywhere plus I found the OW. Months later he came back, then left, then went back. Rewrote history the works. Was all my fault.

I still have friends who are shocked years later. He adored us, we were a fab couple etc. He was the last person to do this. Been together nearly 20 years through thick and thin. He literally turned into a hateful monster overnight.

Anyway, years later I am v happily single. He may be with the OW. I don't care. I know she is a nasty piece of work. I don't wish to know any more. I am grateful to be totally indifferent to him and all his drama. He lost a fab family, his teen DC don't want to see or hear of him ever again. That is all his fault. He has lost so much - and for what. And me and the DC - we are fabulous. They kept me going, were my only reason to keep going. I am studying, working hard - they may only have one parent but they tell me they are proud of me and all I have achieved - well what we have achieved together. I am proud of that. And they are doing fab at college and work and he has no clue of what they are doing. I get to be doubly proud of them all on my own. What a privilege.

And if I do meet someone one day - he will have to be pretty flipping fantastic to make me want him. Because finally I can see I deserve more - and it is something way better than my ex ever could have offered.

Orange - my ex-dp told me he didn't love me anymore on 6 march. He said he hadn't felt I loved him enough. He's 30 too. My dad is dying of cancer and I'm not in UK so been feeling very torn. But I really thought we'd get through everything together cos we were a family and we loved each other so much. Our daughter is 3.

I was totally stunned. It came out the blue for me too. He's still living under same roof for the moment and sometimes I wish I could make him suffer but I'm trying to put my daughter first. The first thing I did was get a lawyer. You can pm me if you like since it sounds like we're living the same thing. He hadn't even thought how humiliating this would be for me for instance or how upset our daughter would be. It is all about him.

I don't have any feeling for him now other than 'what was I thinking'...

I am very isolated here too. Just a couple of friends. We'd been together nearly 8 years. There is light outside and you can do it. It is hard but you're better off without him.

I am reading this thread with an open mouth at how depressingly fucking familiar the stories are. They really are all the same aren't they? These twats. Same script. Same cruelty. Same utter utter twattishness

I can also put my hnd up and say I have been where you are. Heart trashed. Feeling like life was over. Total devestation.

But I am happy now. Very happy. And strong in myself and the knowledge that nothing and nobody can ever break me.

You will get there too. I know it doesn't feel like it now but we have. And you will too

Dear Isadorable,
I don't want to let your post just stand there, as you sound as if you are not very supported in real life. What a terrible time you are going through...

Keep posting on here - have you started a thread of your own?

Dreadful awful stories but I think yours takes the biscuit rubssy

Totally cold and unemotional. Almost like a sociopath. Or some severe mental illness.

And isadorable so sorry you are just starting your journey too.

Inever believed that there was a light at the end of the tunnel but there is and it does shine brightly.

Baby steps.

Thank you dowser.

I have read these pages for a long time and a lot of the stories are familiar. The midlife crisis script thread on here was very familiar to me.

I do believe my ex had quite severe depression, possibly even bipolar and as someone mentioned upthread after he left I did uncover some for of double life (he was a member of a lot of xrated sites). In a way I did not really know him becaue he kept parts of himself hidden from me.

That alone is such a scary thought and leaves you so shaken and so completely confused that pulling yourself out of it is bloody hard.

A certain type of man behaves like this from my research over the last year and he is generally a very agreeable and seemingly gentle man is highly susceptible to mid life crisis because they don't really know how to communicate, how to have conflict, how to explain something is wrong and think it over or discuss it.

To a degree people like that are always playing a role of who they think they should be, and they can be seemingly wonderful and madly in love with their partner but also having secret thoughts or actions or resentments no one knows about and hey barely acknowledge themselves.

Then they snap, suddenly realise they are very unhappy and they blame their life (or wife) for that. They get very angry and hateful because they perceive you as the cause for why they feel so awful. They might have been unhappy for ages and not expressed it.

All of a sudden they turn on you and you are the enemy. They are ENTITLED to another woman or sex with other people because they DESERVE happiness.

Nevermind that you are given no clue they are not fucking happy to begin with. And all the while they are invested in keeping you as their wife, they continue to play the role.

Until the moment they decide you're the cause of why they feel so bad and their objective is to get away from you and they could not give a fuck what destruction they leave in their path because you have ceased to even be a human being to them,

They rewrite history, they blame you, they get angry when you show your pain because they feel guilty. They don;t like feeling guilty. They want to feel GOOD.

They are pathetic. Incapable of real love.

And they take away your present, your future and your past in one moment and leave you feeling like you have been living a lie for years.

I personally think this kind of weak man often cracks at mid-life or when depressed, and they have a narcissistic surge.

This is when the monster comes out.

Living through it is the hardest thing you can ever do, but at the end of it you absolutely must believe that this is caused by HIS inadequacy and not yours.

No one deserves to be treated this way.

That's a very succinct way of putting it rubssy. Posts like that should be put in some sort of online library on mumsnet so they can be easily found.

Was there no signs at all before the crack?

Absolutely NOTHING. Everyone was as shocked as me. We'd had date night three days before, sex on the carpet and he'd giggled telling me how much he loved me. I mean....it was UNBELIEVABLE.

Very good post Rubssy - I agree with every word.

The utter devastation overnight is just incalculable. There is no way you could ever describe it is there.

I think I read online an article (maybe google it) on "The Tsunami Divorce" and how it differs from normal divorce.

Normal divorce I suppose includes both of you holding equal value in the marriage...both being aware for some time that the marriage was in crisis...lack of sex and affection...growing apart...perhaps an affair.

As painful as that is, you are both on the same page....both going through the realisation of it together. I suppose this is normal because married people are in it together. One should not be unhappy or thinking of ending the marriage without the other one knowing unless that person is being extremely dishonest.

The "Tsunami Divorce" on the other hand is when one partner is completely unaware there is a problem to begin with.

currentnameinuse , yes, there are absolutely no words to ever describe the pain and shattering of everything you held most real and true in the world collapsing in an instant. And even more difficult to actually believe the person you trusted, loved and relied upon most is causing it and that they actually do not give a shit.

It's beyond a headfuck, and honestly, as someone else said upthread NO ONE, including myself will ever actually believe it happened. No one I know can get to grips with it.

I don't know how we are still standing tbh. I think I blocked out the first few months. Wish I had used Mumsnet then too. And all the fab advice about disengaging etc. It is the only way.

You will get there Orange - one day at a time, but you will get there. Keep posting and call in lots of support from wherever you can.

Wish I'd known about mumsnet.

When I did find out about mumsnet, I thought it was for mums.

Mums of 20-40....not old lasses like me ;-)

Bloody hell! It's shocking reading all of these poststo all the people going through this and who have gone through such hard times. Looks like you're not alone OP. Hang in there, you're doing so well!

Excellent post Rubssy and oh so familiar. I have always said I was hung for crimes I didn't even know I'd committed. No idea anything was wrong. He left suddenly, no prior warning, the man who fell asleep with his arms round me every night suddenly claimed he hadn't loved me for some time, yet had still been buying me lovely presents and making love to me.

The shock when this happens is horrendous. He sucked all the joy from my life, I couldn't watch tv or read. Mumsnet and chatting to friends on Facebook kept me sane. You really do feel like your past present and future is all gone.

He nearly destroyed me but couldn't see it, couldn't understand it,

BUT!! I'm still here. He didn't destroy me. He didn't destroy my life.

oranges you too will get through this, as have all of us. Stronger and wiser. It's easy for us to say it now, but it's true. You will be ok in time.

Oh yes that disbelief. That they could do these things.

I remember about a year after it happened to me, bumping into a friend / acquaintance and telling her what happened. She was all like " Michael?! Your Michael ?! Michael did this? The Michael I know? tall, dark hair, glasses! Michael?!"

(Obv I've changed those details)

It was as if she just couldn't compute it was the same person she's known who had done these things. I ended up comforting her!!

Op I hope you get some restful sleep tonight

Great post Rubssy. Could be describing my H. I'm another coping with this still 6 months on. I'm ok sometimes and other days I can't get out of bed. I still don't understand the compete refusal to try to work it out after 20 years together. When I was finally told he didn't love me anymore it was a done deal in his head. How can they just walk away from their responsibilities like that?

Orange you will be ok, you will realise that because you are coping with this you are actually a pretty amazing woman. Don't try to look to far ahead, focus on the immediate things that need to be sorted.

It does get easier After 6 months of anguish I'm just emotionly exhausted and tired of all the worrying and sadness and trying to think what I could do or say or who I could get to talk to him to maybe make his realise he's being an idiot. Ive had enough. I don't care anymore whether he comes back or not, I've realised there is nothing I can do, it has to happen in his head. It might or it might not, but I can't sit around waiting. Mumsnet has been a great comfort to me too.