Will my husband come back?

[orangeskins]

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

rubssy, your last post makes me so sad. It sounds like he had a complete mental breakdown, his behaviour is just too bizarre. I am so sorry you have had such an awful ordeal. I would love an explanation, have had a few "I needed more kisses and cuddles and needed to be treated like a man" (I kid you not), but the truth was, he wanted somebody else, he has never been able to admit that though. The OW has told me I deserve everything that has happened to me, I was a shit wife, shit mother and indeed she told me "I am bored of your pitiful bleating". Utter torture.

Oh that's hideous!!!! How bloody awful for you Formidable. I am so sorry you had to live with that but take comfort in the fact she sounds like an utter bitch and he's got to live with her!

Oh, I have no doubt he had a full on breakdown. Severe mental health issues but I can also say the breakdown occurred after he left and not before. It started the day he left. I think he made the decision to leave, to abandon us and just did it. Then it caused a breakdown.

He did say he had been depressed for six months before and had been hiding it from me for fear I would not love him anymore if I knew how weak he was. Irony???!!!!!

I think he could not live with what he did.

But at the time, yes, I was dealing with someone in what I believe to be a very aggressive depression or perhaps a manic episode and the things he said and did were absolutely chilling.

It was like he switched off ALL emotions....from empathy to compassion or even a remote memory that he had ever loved me and DC. And he raised DC from a baby...

He was like a killer. Completely dead eyes. Completely nothing like the person I'd known 10 years.

Horrible.

Orange another MNetter here who would like to add to the chorus of encouragement and support for you in these early days. Keep posting on here, MN was a lifesafer to me when my husband disappeared 2.5 years ago.

He moved out whilst I was at work. I had no idea. Came home and found the house half empty and a card on the table to say he loved me. No explanation. I was in a total state of shock.

The weeks that were followed were all a bit blur - he denied OW at first, but it turns out there was one, he was living with her and she was pregnant. I was pregnant too.

I was dumbfounded. I couldn't eat for weeks. I lived off crumpets and sausages and beans. I went on ADs which helped, but I swear the first couple of months I was surviving on adrenalin alone.

I had no idea he was having an affair. I had no idea he was planning to leave. He did communicate with me after he left - but it was ALL about him - his guilt, how bad HE felt. Then when I ignored these he would get nasty. It was the hardest thing to do, but I had to accept I didn't know this man at all. He walked out on me, our lives and our home like a snake shedding its skin.

Fast forward 2.5 years and I am finally free of him. Divorced only a month ago. He has never seen our DS, never shown any interest or concern about him. There have been some tough times. I still feel angry.

But my over riding feeling? Relief. Yours will be soon one day, but on your journey to get there keep on MN, because the advice on here was invaluable.

Agree with the dead eyed total stranger. Sat there shrugging at all my questions. Giving me stupid reasons why he had to go.... The house was messy, we once didn't have sex in a premier inn after he had especially bought a condom, my family is too big, he is just too nice, I had been nasty to him for years, i had never supported him, I was no fun any more, I'd lost my spark, I'd refused him sex one night so obviously I didn't want him any more, blah blah blah..... The list of pathetic excuses was endless

Not once during this listing of "reasons he had to leave " did he mention his texting OW all day every day! Or emailing her suggesting songs to get her through her stressful day!

It is astounding how they can cuddle you in bed every night, make love to you several times a week, then leave suddenly, claiming that they don't love you and have been unhappy for months , it's astounding because they never show it!

I've got the dead-eyed total stranger too. He just took the kids for his weekend so I am all alone at home and sad. He does not think there is anything to discuss anymore. It's not that I don't know what he thinks, it's just that it makes no logical sense for an intelligent man to act in the way he is acting. That's what makes it so hard. If we'd been working at it for a while and nothing was getting better I'd understand more.

Sorry Oranges us other ladies are taking over your thread. Hope you are doing ok. Keep posting here and tell us how you are doing.

Rubssy, TrickyTreeLoo, you're both amazing in the face of such huge adversity. Tricky, that must have been hell finding out his OW was pregnant. I have since found out that my H may have fathered the OW's 8 year old son...this is unconfirmed but he made a startling admission about an earlier affair. Her husband was killed though, only very recently, what if that child wasn't his and he brought him up to believe that? How evil can you be. It seems we've all been through the dead eyed stranger routine, although mine can't even look at me, won't make eye contact at all. I like to think it's guilt...

Skye don't they come out with some shit? It's ALWAYS your fault, always you to blame, never their affair. It's the trademark of a narcissist, that sounds dramatic but once you start reading up on it, it's an eye opener!

*Back2Two", the OW in my case has no excuse, she knows my family, worked for my brother for 3 years, she's just a nasty malicious entitled cow, even her friends don't like her much. You should see some of the things she sent me! You'd keel over!

Cassawoof, hope you've got some lovely things planned for the weekend, it must be tough, haven't been down that road yet. Sending hugs to you.

I agree we've taken over Oranges thread but what I would say is that I am halfway through my second thread in relation to my horror story, the stories of others have given me so much comfort and strength and MN is a lifeline. Hope you'll come back soon and let us know how you're getting on. We're all here and we're ALL survivors!! xx

Tricky, sorry for calling you 'loo' not 'lou'. Wine.

Yes orange hope you are ok. Hopefully our posts show you that sadly you are not alone in this.

Keep posting for support, we are all here for you.

Rubssy...youll probably never know, but it just sounds like he overdosed on some mood altering drug!

It's incredible.

I think Rubssys situation is utterly tragic. No rhyme or reason and clearly some undiagnosed illness of sorts. What an utter waste. It makes me very sad :-(

I have been on here this morning, read all your posts & cried for an hour. It seems a bit more common than I thought.

I too, didn't even see this coming. I am going to have a reread through all the posts, it was a lot to take in at 5.30am..

Thank you all for telling your stories though.

Skyeskye, Rubssy your ohs sound mentally ill to be able to be normal, loving, attentive, appearing happy etc and then just to suddenly detach and up and leave with no warning.

How are you Orange?

Orange - it really is just very, very, very slow baby steps in the early days. Cry as much as you need to - and don't let anyone tell you to 'get over him', 'forget about it' or the million other platitudes they come out with. I guess, but I'm happy to stand corrected, you will be saying "Gosh it would be so much easier if he'd died" because the torture of him being alive and doing this to you and your family is so hard to contemplate.

It's a long hard road back to happiness, it make take you a few months, or a few years but you do get there, when you're ready to.

The wisest words I have ever read on MN, and I apologise because I don't know who wrote them, but they've always stuck with me:

There is nothing wrong with you, what's wrong is what's happened to you.

Take care.

Orange my heart's breaking for you, but it does sound like you are doing much better than I was back in your shoes so you're already doing incredibly well.

Expect to feel surreal and confused and absolutely topsy turvy for a long time. It takes forever for the brain to take on board and interpret what's happening with such a big change.

Everyone here is right, and what you do eventually feel is "relief". It feels like it will never get any better, but it does. Very slowly, but by bit it does just get better. All of a sudden you wake up one day and your new life feels normal. Then you wake up one morning and realise you feel joyous again.

The human heart and mind has such a capacity for healing in a way that isn't always clear from the start.

One Quote I love is "And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

I absolutely believe that quote is true

I remember having a "discussion" on here about how the signs were always there before this kind of thing happened but women just chose to ignore them.

My ex H got up one morning and took the poached salmon salad packed lunch I had lovingly packed for him and went off to work after a lovely discussion about me buying a new outfit to bring our baby home in from the hospital. I was almost seven months pregnant at the time. We couldn't have been happier. He didn't call all day, which was unusual and then didn't come home that night. I was beside myself it was totally unprecedented. The next morning he walked in and he was cold towards me, hardly even bothered to explain where he'd been (some lame excuse about being drunk and falling asleep on a friends sofa). I found out later that he'd had gone out for drinks and met someone who he stayed the night with. From that moment on nothing was the same. It was as though a different man had walked through the door. He was unrecognisable in a matter of 24 hours. We hadn't been together as long as many of you but it was a massive shock.

This happened to me also. He turned into an absolute monster. Just why?

Why couldn't he have just have said he had fallen in love with someone else? Why the pulling me to pieces? All the never really loved me/never should have been together? I'll never understand it.

Hope you're ok op. Remember that it is not you who is faulty.

Why couldn't he have just have said he had fallen in love with someone else? Why the pulling me to pieces? All the never really loved me/never should have been together? I'll never understand it.

To justify what they did.

If they accept that they were happy in their marriage to you but chose to cheat with someone else because the grass seemed greener then they have to accept that they are selfish unfaithful shits.

But....if you are a bitch who didnt give him enough sex, money, attention or whatever, and he never really loved you anyway and only stayed for the kids then its ok that he found someone else. No one could possibly be expected to stay in a miserable marriage with such a horrible person as you could they?

Thats why you get a total rewriting of history. He says "I have been unhappy for years" You say "I didnt know he was unhappy" and thats because he wasnt, he was fine until he started shagging someone else. He then rewrites your marriage as him being miserable, lonely, frustrated, whatever, so it makes his affair not only understandable but even acceptable.

Nickifury, what happened then?

exactly right Bogey - bloody hell, do they get given a handbook that they all follow to the letter I wonder? It is astounding. They lay waste to our lives and then swan off into the sunset re-inventing themselves in their shiny new life guilt free. Except deep down they must know they are lying - not only to everyone else but themselves too?

Bogey, beautifully put as ever. Current, have you read "The Script"? Put it in the search box on MN, you'll find it. It's astonishing!

Except deep down they must know they are lying - not only to everyone else but themselves too?

I think some must do, but in my (sadly extensive) experience many are so skilled at deception that they believe their own lives. They have to, otherwise they couldnt function in those shiny new lives.

Believe their own lives?! I meant lies, of course!