Will my husband come back?

[orangeskins]

He has left me, telling me he doesn't love me anymore & has no effort to try at all.

I am completely and utterly shocked & devastated. He told me this a month ago too, except then he wanted to come back & try. He didn't try at all & has now left.

Will he come back to me at all? I'm so sad for our children (they don't know yet) Anything I say doesn't seem to make a difference.

Yes sod the housework, and if you want porridge for supper then do. I did lots of times. And no ironing took place. And we ate lots of pasta pesto and oven chips. It doesn't matter one jot. Do what you feel you can and that is plenty.

You did really well today. Saw a friend too - I think that is fab.

Tell him instead of taking them for dinner he can buy a bloody weeks shopping for all of you

Housework ..who cares just look after yourself, although sometimes it helps to distract yourself

Food ....throw something in slow cooker, everything is edible after 8 hours

Oh and at one point soon tell,him when and if it suits you for him to have kids,..don't let him float in and out when it suits

any food is food. anything, it really doesn't matter what they eat as long as they eat something. as for yourself, just try and eat something. I survived on half a banana and half a sandwich a day, for weeks... I lost something like 3 stone in as many months, it was ridiculous, but I simply couldn't eat.

the housework can wait too. do the essential stuff, like washing the clothes, cleaning the toilet, but the rest can wait. Just maybe try and do half an hour at a time, set yourself a goal, and if at the end of half an hour you want to carry on then do some more.

I had some great friends and they would have me and DD round for tea. i remember my friend standing over me while I forced down around 8 tubes of pasta!

soup and toast, beans on toast, spaghetti hoops on toast, scrambled egg on toast ... anything on toast basically..... is a quick and filling meal for your DC.

I agree that you need to start getting contact visits onto a formal footing, he can't just swan in and out as he chooses, he needs to have them every Saturday or every other weekend. He needs to start facing up to the reality of his situation too. Ask him for maintenance, and if he refuses, just go straight to CMO, no messing around.

Ok, so today I actually want to try and get some things done. The house is a tip and that needs doing first. Then I really need to get a CV done, although I am very unattractive to employers (have been a sahm for the last 6yrs) Any advice on this please?

My provisional has come through now, & I really want to get this done, as I was reliant on DH for this.

Well done. Focus on doing things that will improve your life, like the driving.

If you want me to look over your CV, please PM me for my email address and i would be happy to look over it if you want. I often check friends as I have good grammar and a good eye for detail.

You need to put your previous jobs, qualifications, and any volunteer work etc that you may have done.

Really well done. I had to start driving after a 12 year break after STBXH left abruptly. It is the most liberating thing I've done so far - although terrifying in the early months. Good luck!

Skye you are wonderful! (I've lost 3 stone so far too!)

A couple of books for you OP which are helpful to turn to for the emotional side: Runaway Husbands and Detach and Survive. They won't take the pain away but they are good for 'mantras' and 'looking after yourself'.

Orange

Fantastic....I went back to work after 5 years, there are jobs out there, maybe not at the level you were at but who cares they pay the bills!

Voluntary work is also a good way of updating your cv, I know you have enough on your plate just now, but even a couple of hours a week is helpful( could be at dcs school) it's also a way of getting an up to date reference

Am really proud of you today

Hi
I have only ever been a lurker but I wanted to come out of the shadows to offer you support as I have been exactly where you are now (except without children, so not as bad)

My husband left in the same circumstances and then came back to 'try again' but actually did no trying. That period was the worst because I was so desperate for him to stay that I was walking on egg shells and compromising the entire time. Believe me, sometimes having them back, although you think you want it, is never going to be a happily ever after option.

Anyway, after a month or so he decided he never did love me after all and left again. I remember the turmoil well. I remember thinking that crying just didn't cut the pain and I remember the no sleep/no eat/barely functioning days.

I just wanted to pass on some warnings, although I never thought him capable, (he might not love me, but he isn't a bad person etc etc etc) he cleared our joint account of around £2k and left me in debt. So please safeguard any finances you might have. You really don't know what he is capable of any more.

Also I want to reiterate the getting a solicitor on to it. My exh did as someone up there ^ predicted and said the whole we don't need a solicitor, we can sort it through the courts etc. No! Get yourself a solicitor, you don't owe him anything at all. And a solicitor will get you what you deserve.

Just to finish the story and to answer your 'how might it work out for him?' question. It turns out that my exh also had traded me in for a younger model who had turned his eye. Unfortunately for him she was a bit of a bunny boiler and within a month or so she was pregnant. They certainly didn't live happily ever after. From what I've heard they had a short disastrous relationship and he ended up bitter and single. He actually phoned me a few months down the line apologising and he sounded really sad. Fortunately by this point, difficult as it was I had taken the Silenceinthelibrary approach and was the happiest I'd been in years.

6 months later although I'd vowed never to fall in love again I met my now dh and we got married 2 years later. I am living that 'happily ever after' and that event which at the time floored me and thought was my darkest hour has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Time is a healer as the saying goes. And it is a saying for a reason, it's actually true. For me those dark days when I could throw up from crying and could barely function lasted about a month. Then the determination set in and life turned around. It does get easier.

You're doing fab so far, far better than I did in the early days. Keep on keeping on x

warandpeace hi, that is just like my own story, XH left in Feb, came back for 6 weeks, left again claiming he didnt love me. I was treading on eggshells all that time, trying to be the perfect wife and not do all the things that he had listed as reasons why he had to go..... if I had known that all day every day he was texting OW, it would have/could have been a different story....

XH is also with a much younger model, who he often described as a bunny boiler when she was married to his mate! She got pregnant within 2 months of them officially getting together as a couple....

War&peace Thank you for such a lovely first post.

Everyone on here has been so great, and I really mean it when I say its all very comforting to me. Just to know, from so many people that I will come out of it (although in many, many months it seems) is very reassuring. Even though I cant see a way out of the hurt, its obvious from all the posts on here, I will find it eventually.

wellwhoknew I have looked at the reviews for those books, and am going to download 'Runaway Husbands' to my tablet, so thank you for that.

Skye I would really like to take you up on your offer of looking at my CV please. I may need to do as Christinayang1 says and start voluntary work to help my CV

I managed to drag myself through yesterday, even with dh collecting the dc for dinner.

Today though, I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until this is all over. Its awful, and I really feel like I cant stand it anymore.

Thank you Paddlingduck

This is what is terrifying me, that a lot of MNer's have been through this, & a year or so on it is still affecting them. I want the pain to be over now

The pain at one point isn't about losing them though, its just about having had a horrible and sad experience

Orange you will go through an emotional rollercoaster, you are grieving, grieving for the man you thought you knew and for the life you thought you had

Try not to think of the big picture or too far into the future, just focus on getting through one day

Paddling - I used to sob at that song too. Cannot bear to listen to it now. Shows how far we have come - you will get there too Orange - keep on keeping on or sommat.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also in the South East, please fell free to get in touch if you need some help.

Right now, housework etc isn't important, though it might take your mind off things, if you don't fancy it then don't, you have every right to sit in your PJ's, eat pizza and watch rubbish TV with your babies. But just think that you are worth so much more than this heartache, you might be feeling it, but don't let him see you feeling sad, show him that you CAN (and you can, as scary as it seems) be okay on your own, you are strong and you can be independent and brilliant in your own right.

Orange I am absolutely with you that this is the worst feeling in the world, like your whole life has been robbed, that everything you think you believed in was wrong, that somehow you must be the world's worst person to deserve this.

There are thousands and thousands and thousands of people up and down the country who have had this shock happen to them. Crumpled into a heap on the floor and believed their lives were over.

I am ten and a half months on from that day. Some days are hard, but some days aren't. The early part of this process is that some minutes are hard, most are unbearable, a few are okay. The minutes become hours, later mornings, afternoons, evening, nights. Then the days. After that the weeks, after that the months.

So sit on the floor, cry, hurt, do whatever you need to do to get through the time but do two things: ask for help - you will get it. Accept help. You don't survive something like this on your own.

The first time anything happens, it hurts like hell, e.g. him collecting the children because it reminds you this is real and it's happening. But slowly you will adjust. Hold onto that thought.

I think I'm finding it very hard, mostly because I'm so isolated. I have 2 close friends in this area, & I think its not enough. They, understandably cant always be around & I feel incredibly lonely.

Its a struggle, with the dc & all the things I have to do. My dd was sick last night (as was ds, last week) and I just sobbed & sobbed as I have to do it all alone.

Dh was my best friend, and now he's gone.

orange. What you're feeling is completely normal. Just keep on telling yourself that you won't feel like this forever. You are stronger than you think.

orange

You are going through a grieving process. Im so sorry this is happening to you, you sound so lovely Wish I could offer some pearls of wisdom for you but I'm going through my own process at the moment and struggling

You have had some excellent support here, keep using it to help you get through X

Well done for looking after your children when they needed you - it's an accomplishment he didn't manage.

One of the benefits of this situation is that it forces you out and you start making new friends, which helps you build your self-esteem back up. No one is going to laugh at you because your husband is a shit. The vast majority of people are sympathetic and helpful. Force yourself out of the home and do things as much as you can. It helps pass the time. Take care.

So many stories like mine. Paddling duck, Skye, war and peace , well who knew.

Do they all follow the same script? We had 30 years marriage when I was told he didn't love me any more and there was no one else. He kept that pretence for 10 and a half months....leaving me at one point to stay with his friend 'Graham' . He really missed with my head. Luckily we had no mortgage and no joint accounts. He still paid the bills but I suspect that was only because my son and grandson lived with us.

He finally told me Xmas eve that he had another woman and that he was leaving Xmas day/ night. Which he did. I gathered the kids together boxing day and told them that their dad had another woman and they said they knew.

They'd seen him in a pub with her. Our daughter didn't know. She was pregnant throughout the whole time and had an awful pregnancy with all the turmoil.

Anyway, just protect yourself. Ask any friends who've been through the situation for a good lawyer. I went out of town for mine. I didn't want any of his drinking pals.

I interviewed three lawyers and two said the split would be 50/50 . I went with the one who said 60/40 maybe 70/30. Funnily enough we both had female lawyers and the judge was female too. Although everyone was very professional I would have loved to have heard privately what they thought of him. He lied so much on the court documents, where he was living etc you need to be your own private detective .

Anyway at a time when you're most vulnerable you need your business head on andbe pro active. If he's lied to you once he will do it over and again especially through court proceedings.

You're in a horrible place now but you will get better and you will smell bs a mile off.

I'm so sorry that another womanis involved but I'm glad you know now and not messed around for the 10 months I was.

A straight cut heals a lot faster than the pick picked sore I was left with.

The ending to my story is that the ow got sick of him messing her around. She met and married someone else within 6 months of their split. He'd been back at home sometime. I never threw him out . A while later he met someone else and moved in with her but I didn't give a flying fuck by that
Point.

We'd been living pretty separately by then anyway.

It was a relief to be honest.

Anyway he got cancer two years ago and passed away last year. We met up a year ago at a family do. He had the chance to be friends but he didn't want to know which was sad.

I met my OH seven years ago and we are getting married this year. I'm happier than I've ever been.

Btw...we are two geriatrics lol ;-)

Dowser

What a shit!!!! So glad you are happy now