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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

230 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 04/03/2015 21:46

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/03/2015 18:41

I think nunkspugget's hit the nail on the head there.

A major change really does takes some adjusting to. Take that into account and give yourself time. But you have made the right decision.

The only thing I would say is that maybe at some point in the (far) future you might consider some contact with your mother. Not saying you will feel that way, but it's possible you might. But that would be years in the future, if at all.

Iforgottotellyou · 07/03/2015 18:54

Don't know about anyone else that's gone nc, but I found the first few days the hardest - really intense head stressing turmoil, followed by difficult weeks, but now I just feel numb, my only regret being I wasted so many years of my life trying to make it work when I never really liked them anyway.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 18:58

Thanks.
I'm working really hard on just staying busy currently, which does work. Up and coming Mother's Day won't help, but I know that I've found that hard for a few years now so it can't be much worse (just the guilt I suppose)

What have other people done if they have been sent stuff from the people they aren't in contact with.

OP posts:
Meerka · 07/03/2015 19:12

well, i got sent the stuff from my childhood which Im rather glad about.

The other, unwanted stuff? I tended to throw or give it away. When I looked at it, it was always a sad reminder and I want my home to be a place where there are happy memories. There are three photos of NC relatives but they are hidden behind photos of relatives I am in contact with. Those 3 matter too much to not acknowledge, but I also don't want to see them every day.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 19:20

It was my birthday recently, and we were meeting today for them to give me presents, which I expect will be posted to me. So stuff like that i suppose.

I was asked to clear all my childhood stuff out a few years ago so that's all done.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/03/2015 23:30

Can you refuse to accept it once you see the postmark? (If you know the postie well enough.) Then it would just go back to them.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 08/03/2015 00:17

You don't HAVE to accept anything they give you. I know how hard it is not to, but you honestly don't have to keep things in your home that will make you think of them and feel sad. Donate the items to a charity shop and send a polite email saying that's what you have done - and WILL DO with any further items. That saves them wasting effort.

You were told to clear out your childhood belongings? Jeez Confused

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 08/03/2015 11:57

Whatever you do, don't send them back. Bin or charity, you don't even have to open them if you don't want to (curiosity always gets the better of me though). Ignore, ignore, ignore, that's my mantra (any recognition in any way leads to trouble with our lot).

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 09/03/2015 16:18

Hiw are you doing Caulk?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2015 16:26

I would send any items from them to the charity shop without any acknowledgement to them from you. Radio silence from you must be maintained. Any contact with these people just opens the door for them to bother you even more.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 09/03/2015 17:01

Hello all. I'm doing ok. Sat and Sunday were full of lots of feeling pleased and happy, and today I've sort of wavered a bit, and been full of panic that I will have upset them. I keep remembered good times and wishing it was black and white and not like this.

I have seen my therapist though, who is brilliant and that has helped me process it all a bit.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 09/03/2015 17:10

Glad you had a good Saturday and Sunday. Smile

I wouldn't worry overmuch about the wavering feelings. Your brain seems to dredge up rosy memories at times rather than any others - a few days and you'll have it back in perspective.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 09/03/2015 17:16

I'm feeling much calmer about Mothering Sunday I've realised. Not having the pressure of not thanking her well enough takes a lot of pressure off.

OP posts:
PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 09/03/2015 18:06

Glad to hear it.

It does sound like this was a healthy decision for you.

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 09/03/2015 18:52

I have done the right thing, haven't it? I know I know I have, just feel incredibly sad and upset about it.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 09/03/2015 19:13

I'm not surprised that you feel sad and upset - all of this has been a very long time building-up and then you making a start to resolving it.

Listen hard to yourself over the next few days though. There will likely be a little breath of Freedom fluttering inside you. Smile

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 09/03/2015 19:16

I've just attempted to ring the Samaritans, but what am I going to say? I've told my parents we aren't in contact and now I feel sad?

I was doing so so well and now I feel...I don't even know. Sad? The therapist and I talked about grief for how things weren't, but I don't know if that's what it is. Just some general sadness.

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 09/03/2015 19:24

Yes, say that. Thats absolutely fine.

cozietoesie · 09/03/2015 19:28

I recall once (reading a book) someone saying that they were feeling something like homesickness for a home they'd never had - and that there ought to be a German word for it!

I don't know about the German word but that sounds like the feelings you're having.

If you want to, just phone the Samaritans and explain what you said in your post - that will be fine.

GoodtoBetter · 09/03/2015 19:50

It's fernweh, homesickness for a place you've never been. Ring the Samaritans, they'll be able to listen, no matter what it is.

GoodtoBetter · 09/03/2015 19:51

and it is a German word!

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 09/03/2015 19:56

Yes, that's totally what it feels like!
I think German words often say what things in a better way!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 09/03/2015 20:02

You'll have moments of yearning and moments when you doubt what you've done - everyone who is at least half thoughtful has them, Caulk. The rest of the world may look like swans gliding around but we're nearly all working away like anything beneath the surface of the water.

Phone the Samaritans again or come here if it all becomes too much for you.

Are you due to meet up with your therapist any time this week?

Original poster
CaulkheadUpNorth · 09/03/2015 20:23

Sorry to disappear, cooking tea and all that.

I really like the word, thank you.

I haven't rung them yet, faffing round staying busy and doing dull stuff to keep busy.

I'll see the therapist again on Friday (I saw her today).

Thank you all so much for the support, I really appreciate it because this is something that's (obviously) very new to me!

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 09/03/2015 20:28

The feeling sad is totally normal and means you are a nice person, but it's also part of the way they've trained you and made you responsible, it's their voices you're hearing in your head...tell them to shut up.
Your therapist is right it is like grief, mine called it complicated or compounded grief. It's like a bereavement but they aren't dead.
You need to work through it slowly with your therapist, but the sadness doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing. Stay strong. You'll be even stronger once they are out of your life, it'll be like a weight lifting, promise.
xxxx