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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seeing my almost-NC parents at the weekend, and having a bit of a meltdown.

230 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 04/03/2015 21:46

I'm just looking for someone to say Yes, been there, done that and it was ok.

I haven't seen them in about fifteen months, we are meeting at a relatives, so it's safe, and I will drive so I can leave if I need to, but I'm just very very anxious about it.

It'll be ok won't it?

OP posts:
PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 06/03/2015 22:40

Totally fine to ignore them. In fact, it would be great if you could refrain from reading them until tomorrow, so no emotional manipulation can sway you.

CaulkheadUpNorth · 06/03/2015 22:53

I live with a couple of friends, but I don't really want them to open them. They have been great at reassuring me but I'm not close enough to them to ask.

I'm "checking in" with the therapist tomorrow, so I know I just need to be ok till I speak to her then, and then I'll see her again on Monday.

I'm hoping by the morning the thought of reading them will have passed.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/03/2015 23:04

Well they'll likely be either aggressive and manipulative, or wheedling and Woe-is-Me, or - just possibly - 'My Darling - we're so so worried about you, what can we do?' Or maybe one of each? Wink

There's not a whole lot of options and whichever they go for, it will be to guilt you into responding in the way they want. ( I should imagine the baby and the relatives will get an honourable mention at the very least.)

Stuff 'em Caulk. You did the right thing in signing off and you don't need to read their response such as it is.

CaulkheadUpNorth · 06/03/2015 23:08

The responses I seem to have, from the start lines of the email is 1. We have things for you, shall we send them to you, we love you and 2. I don't understand.

We all need to hope for sunshine tomorrow, so I can go and do Fun Stuff somewhere that isn't with them.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/03/2015 23:15

Yep - that's pretty well 1 and 2 on my post. (Just couched by them in a particular way.)

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for sunshine for you tomorrow - and a good few days thereafter!

HellKitty · 07/03/2015 08:06

Morning! Is it a lovely sunny day?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 08:16

Caulk

Well done and do enjoy your day in Bath. Its a fine city.

Their responses are designed to basically suck you back in to their own dysfunctional world; this is known as "hoovering". Their attempts to send stuff onto you is a classic example of that. Do NOT respond to any of their e-mails. Any response from you simply opens the door for them to bother you even more.

springydaffs · 07/03/2015 08:53

Are they Attila? A bit of a broad brush there.

From what I've read on the thread, op's slime stepfather sexually abused her - and that is cut and dried, there is no place for negotiation of any kind, a broad brush really does apply. But the mother, what did she do? She hasn't been perfect, certainly - what mother is, esp a very ill mother (no wait, I get it, mothers on here are perfect...)

I appreciate you're working through some very very difficult stuff op and I applaud you for breaking through the fear guilt and obligation that has had you so tightly bound. Absolutely you shouldn't go or have to go if the slime is there. But do bear in mind that 'they' constitutes two separate people and your mother may be entirely ignorant of what the slime did to you.

CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 08:55

Thank you all for all listening over the last few days. I'm ignoring the emails and enjoying a coffee whilst I plan things to do today.

I still get waves of "oh no, they are so upset with me" but I'm still as sure that I have done the right thing and im pleased I did it.

(And I didn't even dream about it!)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2015 09:13

"But the mother, what did she do? She hasn't been perfect, certainly - what mother is, esp a very ill mother (no wait, I get it, mothers on here are perfect...)"

No they're not perfect at all and his mother to my mind threw her to the sharks.

And yes any such e-mails are basically hoovering ones designed to such the OP back in.

OPs mother made the OP her carer and confidant from a young age and actively encouraged OP to stay at home to look after her. She also needs this odious man to care for her as well now.

cozietoesie · 07/03/2015 09:31

You didn't dream about it? Oh Good - it sounds as if somewhere deep inside, your brain is content with your decision and is having an 'Oh Thank Goodness - time for a wee rest now' moment. I think that that's a good sign for you and maybe something to mention briefly to your therapist later on. (I seem to remember you were checking in with her today?)

Have a fine day in Bath. It's pissing down with rain here but I'm still hoping for better weather for you down there - not that I don't actually enjoy rain but it's not such fun sitting eating a lunchtime butty in an open square when said butty is soaking.

Smile
CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 10:04

I know how stupid it'll sound, but I'm genuinely so thankful for all the support from people here. Thanks

I think with mum it's less black and white than with my father. All I can really say is that she hasn't ever been a mother figure (although she has to other people she knows) and generally put her own needs first. Which I guess I'm doing now? I don't know.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/03/2015 10:24

PS - and if it's raining, there's nothing wrong with having a duvet day and spoiling yourself with a nice scented soak and a bad movie or two. (They ought to be bad movies, I'm afraid.) Bath isn't going anywhere.

Meerka · 07/03/2015 10:46

caulkhead I've come to realise the healthiest way to exist for everyone... everyone .... is to balance your needs and theirs.

It's ok to value yourself as highly as valuing them. Sometimes some people's needs have to come higher for a while (children!). The scales tip then for a long time, though you still need to take care of your own needs. But it is not healthy to put yourself last - not for you, not for the people around you either. That's when your own unmet needs grow and mean that actually, you don't have as much to give other people. When you value yourself in a healthy way, you have more to give.

Sorry if that sounds like crap, it's difficult to think how to phrase it, but actually it's true.

Practical example: where I live in the NL there is a charity I work with that works with people who are in extreme poverty (the social security system is good in some ways but very tight in others). The charity mostly gives out essentials - nappies, babymilk, a second hand cot, a 2nd hand mattress, second hand babyclothes. But every 6 months if they can, they arrange childcare for the kids and send the mothers to an all day spa. They've found that actually, giving the mothers time for themselves means they can cope better with their worries and therefore with their kids; more patient, more time with them, less stressed.

Im wittering on but I hope you get the point .. trying to say that it's ok for you to put your own needs first for some time, as long as it's not actively at the expense of other people. Which it's not.

As a mother with MS, was your mother desperately short of help and support from family / friends / authorities? That could be why she leaned so heavily and frankly selfishly on you. Her actions then were a good example of someone who is taking care of herself but at the expense of others-you. It's ok now to take the time YOU need.

Hope you're having a great day in Bath and that it's sunny. Such a very lovely place!

TalkingintheDark · 07/03/2015 11:24

Caulk - just very quickly wrt to you putting yourself first now - you say that as if it were comparable to her putting herself first when you were a child - NOOOOO! YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER! SHE IS NOT YOUR CHILD!

There is no comparison at all in this situation. She was responsible for your care back then, because she was your mother. You were a child, not an adult. It sounds like all your life she has tried to make you responsible for her. You are not. You did not choose to bring her into the world.

Stand firm!!! Smile

CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 11:37

Thanks.

I'm off for a day out I'll enjoy, wearing the beautiful dress I bought to wear today.

Definitely more sad in the grieving what how things weren't rather than sad I will have upset them. I feel proud of myself for emailing them, and so sort of better about myself generally.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/03/2015 11:39

Good for you.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 07/03/2015 13:21

I hope you have a lovely day Caulk Smile

CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 14:31

I've just re read though this thread in a moment of panic that I am a terrible person and it's so reassuring reading people saying Don't Go and knowing I haven't.

OP posts:
Iforgottotellyou · 07/03/2015 14:51

I'm so glad you didn't go. I thought you would which is why I didn't bother to post and persuade you not to.
I am nc with my family and know how hard it is to stop when you are yourself a decent human being.

CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 14:54

I thought I would too, until Thursday lunchtime or so, as by then I had posted back the gifts I had bought. At that point I realised that I would be upset whether I went or not, so it was better to now go, and then I wouldn't have to go through this again. (Obviously was more complicated than that, but that's sort of how it feels at the moment).

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/03/2015 15:25

The second guessing is part of the damage done, imho. Your self confidence has suffered a lot of erosion over the years. That might be a good subject to discuss with your counsellor.

Imho, the choice for one's self seems selfish (well, it is but in a good way Grin ) and people may have been conditioned to be horrified if they have stepped on anyone's toes/have been rude or inconsiderate, etc....so the second guessing may be coming from that dynamic. As children, they may have been shamed and/or punished for it.

But as adults dealing with adults, things are different. If someone is disappointed with something we have chosen to do for ourselves...That is their problem. I mean they can (and will) choose their own degree of disappointment (sadness, concern, denial, "surprise", etc). Or they could equally choose to be understanding, respectful, supportive, flexible. We can't control them. That is beyond our control. Their tantrum is on them, not us.

I really grate at the "we don't understand" comment. One of the "apologies" I received from the Narc in my life was:
"I am sorry that I somehow offended you. But I don't know what I could have done. I am literally scratching my head trying to figure this out."
That, of course, is not an apology. She was denying her behavior and implying I was unreasonable for setting a boundary (seemingly out of the blue).

Have a lovely weekend! Flowers

CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 15:57

That's exactly the sort of response it'll be. And I don't want or need that.

I work in a role where it is expected you put others needs before you own, and I'm looking to move on from that too. I just want to be secure that my choices are the right choices and that I'm not doing stuff because so and so would want me to do it or will like me if I do.

Sorry, warbling!

OP posts:
nunkspugget · 07/03/2015 17:52

I think you are probably a bit 'in shock' that you've been so strong, and are doubting that its really your doing, but the strength and encouragement of others. I don't think you would have done anything that the little voice inside you didn't agree with, so try to trust yourself and keep staying strong!!

CaulkheadUpNorth · 07/03/2015 18:30

I remember being 9 and thinking about how I could kill my self because life was grim at home. However stupid it sounds, that memory is what I'm hanging on to, to tell myself I have made the right decision and that I haven't just imagined it all happening

OP posts: